Worse Than Death
by Dark Renegade
Summary: Aizen finally gets pissed with the incompetence of his Espada and sentences six of them to the worst fate possible: making them live in the human world. Total crack fic that contains spoilers through the current arc.
1. Chapter 1

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Worse Than Death

Chapter One

By Renegade Raine

With help from Crazy Pig

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Grimmjow was pissed. He finally had a chance to face off against Ichigo one-on-one, but Aizen forced him to stay back and do some moronic job that a preschool brat could have done. By the time he was done though, Ichigo was long out of the area. This time though, he'd get back at that uppity bastard.

Aizen had told all members of the Espada to gather in the central room for a meeting at eight o'clock sharp, but for once, Grimmjow was early to the meeting. In fact, no one else had made it to the room yet. He wasn't quite sure how he was going to do it, but he had to figure out how to humiliate Aizen. He looked around the room for possibilities.

Put some nails in Aizen's chair? No…Aizen was probably smart enough to look down at his seat before sitting down. The idea of him walking around with nails in his ass was still amusing though.

Set a booby trap? No…this room was so boring that there wasn't any areas where a trap could be set.

But then, at the edge of the table, Grimmjow spotted the key to Aizen's humiliation. With a toothy grin, Grimmjow eyed the familiar teapot. Chuckling to himself, Grimmjow was delighted to see that it was warm, meaning that another arrancar had prepared the tea for him already. Humming to himself, he grabbed the teapot and turned around. The prick would finally get what was coming to him.

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A few minutes later…

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Finally, the rest of the Espada started filling into the room. Aizen had arrived before any of the Espada, and was pleasantly surprised when he saw Grimmjow waiting in his designated spot. It took Grimmjow everything for him not to burst out laughing as he watched him sit down at his spot at the end of the table.

As Aizen started to pour himself a cup of tea, Grimmjow had to bite his lip to keep himself from laughing. Halibel, in the meantime, had just made her way into the room and noticed Grimmjow's peculiar behavior, but said nothing about it, as Noitora started to hit on her again.

Finally, Aizen brought the cup to his lips, and Grimmjow muffled the laugh that started to come out. Aizen's eyes furrowed for a moment before he promptly spat his tea out. He had tasted quite a few flavors of tea before, but never had he tried the kind with urine mixed in with it. Grimmjow could no longer hold it, and thought he would die with laughter. Needless to say, Aizen was not happy.

"Who the hell urinated in my tea?" Aizen asked as calmly as possible, although it was obvious that he was fuming about it. Upon hearing the question, Noitora, Aaroniero, and Szayel Aporro joined in on the laughter. Ulquiorra sighed and Halibel only shook her head. All the other Espada weren't in the room yet. Upon hearing the laughter of the majority of the Espada present, Aizen scowled.

"You know what? I've had enough of you bastards." Aizen said with gritted teeth. The laughing Espada immediately stopped, as even a mild cuss word as "bastard" was pretty uncharacteristic for Aizen and they all knew they were in trouble. "So I'm going to show you guys just how good you had it here as you are all going to live in the living world from now on in the gigai I created for all of you."

"Gigai? Like hell I'm gonna go in some weak ass thing like that." Grimmjow stated, but was instantly made quiet by Aizen's reiatsu.

"Oh, I think you'll do anything I say." Aizen said menacingly.

"Aizen-sama, when you say all of us, do you really mea-" Ulquiorra started, but was immediately cut off.

"ALL of you are going, as I've had enough of your foolish foolery!" Aizen spat out. Ulquiorra wanted to point out how absurd the last part of Aizen's sentence sounded, but he figured it would be best to keep quiet. Aizen then promptly left the room, leaving the rest of the Espada to look at each other.

"You just had to do it, didn't you?" Halibel said with a dismayed sigh to Grimmjow.

"Yeah, but it was totally worth it." Grimmjow said with a shrug. "Besides, how bad could the living world be?"

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An hour later, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Noitora, Aaroniero, Szayel Aporro, and Halibel found themselves at a truck stop in the human world in their gigai forms. No longer did any of them have their own signature skull remnant on their face, so aside from their weird hair colors and outlandish eyeliner (especially in Ulquiorra's case), they almost looked like actual humans. Luckily, Aizen had some mercy for Aaroniero and gave him a gigai in the form of Kaien Shiba.

"So…what do we suppose we do now?" Aaroniero asked.

"I suggest finding a place to live immediately." Ulquiorra suggested.

"Yeah, except things like that require money." Szayel Aporro noted with a sigh. "And we don't have any."

"Well, we're at the right place to get some money real quick, if ya know what I mean." Noitora said with a small smirk creeping upon his lips.

"Care to elaborate?" Ulquiorra spoke. Noitora gave Ulquiorra a look to see if he really wasn't following him, but then Noitora remembered that Ulquiorra was more book smart than street smart.

"It's easy. We're at a truck stop." Noitora started to explain. "Do you know what kind of profession is popular at these kinds of places?"

"Truck drivers." Ulquiorra deadpanned, and Noitora smacked his own head in response.

"Well…yeah, but that's not what I'm getting at." Noitora said before looking around. Finally, he found a middle aged woman dressed in tight clothes that did nothing to enhance her lumpy figure. "I'm talking about prostitutes! The truck drivers get lonely being on the road all day, and then pay to get a little nookie."

"Nookie?" Ulquiorra asked. Noitora nearly answered the question for him, but Halibel spoke up first.

"You don't want to know. The meaning is lewd, to say the least." She answered and turned to Noitora. "And who do you suggest do the job? Are you going to volunteer?"

"Fuck no!" Noitora hissed. "I'm the pitcher, not the catcher!"

"That's not what happened last time we-" Halibel started to mutter, but was immediately cut off.

"I told you not to say anything about that!" Noitora yelled while he attempted to put his hands around her throat to strangle him. She countered by kicking him in his most sensitive spot. As he crouched on the ground in pain, the other Espada could only laugh at him. Ulquiorra even looked slightly amused.

"Ulquiorra is the biggest bitch out of all of us." Grimmjow finally spoke. "I say that he takes one for the team."

"According to my calculations and my impromptu experiments…" Szayel Aporro started as he thought deeply. "…yeah, he is the biggest bitch of all of us. Excellent hypothesis, Grimmjow."

"It's settled then, ain't it?" Grimmjow stated and turned to stare at Ulquiorra. "Get out there and make us some money!"

At first, Ulquiorra had no reaction, but all of the sudden, a dark cloud of impending doom appeared all around him. He closed his eyes for a second, but then looked up at Grimmjow in an expression that seemed dry at first, but became quite intimidating. In one simple word, Ulquiorra stated his opinion on the matter.

"No."

The other Espada stood motionless in absolute terror for a couple of moments before the woman sighed and brought forth the next suggestion. "Why don't we just try to find a place to rent for now and then see if they'll wait a month for payment?"

"Pfft, that beats the hell out of Noitora's idea." Grimmjow commented. "If we stay here any longer, I'm gonna burn this place down by lighting those greasy fuckers on fire."

"That sounds kind of fun, actually." Aaroniero added, but the female dragged him and Grimmjow off as they made their way toward the nearest real estate building.

About an hour later and several screaming arguments with the real estate agent later, the agent found a man who said he would consider the Espada's late payment idea and gave them directions to the house that was being put up for rent.

Before the group could make it's way to the house though, they came across a cat in the middle of the sidewalk of where they needed to go. Grimmjow narrowed his eyes and contemplated on whether he should kick it out of the way or just walk around it. He didn't have to think about it too hard though, because Aaroniero stepped in front of him and kicked it instead.

The cat gave a pathetic little cry before it narrowed its eyes and attacked Aaroniero. Grimmjow and Noitora laughed hysterically as Aaroniero struggled with the cat. The best part was that the cat was winning.

"Shouldn't we help him?" Szayel Aporro suggested and watched the fight a little longer and gave a little smirk. "On second thought, this is much more amusing."

A few minutes later, the dust cleared and Aaroniero twitched a little on the ground, and stared at the rest of his group. He hated his weak (but pretty) gigai at that moment as he felt the life drain away from him.

"No…not like this!" Aaroniero exclaimed. "I cannot…be defeated…by a fucking cat!"

Unfortunately for him, he died shortly afterwards. Noitora knew it was bad, but he snorted as he tried to stifle a laugh. Halibel bitch slapped him in reaction. Grimmjow, in the mean time stared the cat down. There was no way that he was going to allow a cat was going to stop them from getting a place to sleep.

"Bring it on, ya fuckin' cat!" Grimmjow sneered, and the cat did not hold back as it began its attack. Aaroniero was the lowest ranked Espada out of all of them, so it was no surprise that a cat would defeat him. However, Grimmjow was three ranks ahead of him and barely managed to survive the fight. Somehow the cat had still managed to beat him.

"Amateur." A feminine voice droned as Grimmjow gave the cat an incredulous look.

"If you think you can beat that thing, then by all means, go for it!" Grimmjow yelled.

"Very well." Halibel spoke as she stepped ahead of the blue-haired Espada. She stared the cat for a few moments before bending down a little and allowing the cat to climb atop her shoulder. She then stood up at looked at the dumbfounded expression of Grimmjow. "As I said, you're an amateur."

She continued to walk ahead as the rest followed behind her, including Grimmjow who trailed behind and let out a string of curse words under his breath.

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Finally, the group had reached the house, even if the quality of the house was dilapidated at best. Unimpressed, the five of them continued looking around the house as they speculated where their rooms would be.

"I do not like the conditions of this house." Ulquiorra stated. "I say we find another place."

"In case you forgot, it's not like we have much choice without any money." Szayel Aporro countered.

"I just want to see what kind of dumb ass landlord would let us live in any house without paying first." Noitora added, but he didn't have to wait long as the door flew open dramatically.

"Hello!" the voice spoke, and everyone was slightly disturbed by the fact that they all somehow heard that squiggly mark being spoken in that man's speech. But as soon as they saw who came through the door, they started to worry a little for their own sake. It was easy to tell who it was, as the guy could be spotted anywhere with that ridiculous green and white striped hat he wore. Urahara took a look at all of them and brought his hand to his chin. "Somehow, you guys seem familiar…where have I seen you before?"

"We never met." Halibel spoke before any of the guys could say something completely stupid to blow their cover.

"Indeed, this is the first time we ever spoke." Ulquiorra added, knowing the importance of keeping Urahara in the dark about their real identities.

"Hmm…if you say so." Urahara said unconvincingly. "So anyways, are you guys up for renting this place out?"

"Yeah…we'll take this shit hole." Grimmjow said bluntly. Urahara gave him a wary gaze, but continued on.

"Now, I'm a nice kind of guy, so I'll let you all stay here for free until you get used to this place. But if you don't have any money for me in a month, you'll all be very sorry." Urahara stated as his eyes narrowed in a way that at least slightly intimidated, but quickly changed to his earlier cheery expression. "Are we clear?"

"Yeah…we're clear, sir." Szayel Aporro finally spoke up.

"Excellent! 3!" Urahara exclaimed as everyone tried to figure out how they heard a heart in his speech. "I just need you guys to sign these papers, and we're good to go!"

Everyone signed the papers and Urahara took his leave. The group then stood in silence for a couple of minutes before Noitora flexed a little. "So what do you guys suppose we do to get some money?"

"I believe it's called getting a job." Halibel answered.

"God damn, I know that!" Noitora exclaimed. "I'm just asking where the hell we're going to get these supposed jobs!"

"Well the local mall seems to have a wide variety of places to chose to work." Szayel Aporro quipped as he looked through a directory.

"The mall it is then." Ulquiorra stated.

"Why the hell were we the only ones sent to this place anyways?" Grimmjow asked. "I mean there's four others who're still living it up in Hueco Mundo."

"The others had not come back from their missions yet." Ulquiorra answered.

"Yeah, I figured that. But where the hell was Yammy and why isn't he here suffering with us now?"

"He does have an interesting point." Szayel Aporro agreed. "I passed him in the hallway as I was walking to the meeting. He seemed to be rushing toward something, but I wonder what it was…"

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Meanwhile, at Hueco Mundo…

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"Are you done in there yet?" a random arrancar protested on the other side of the door.

"Yeah, yeah…I'm coming." Yammy mumbled as he went out of the door, which leaked a terrible smell. "That's the last time I eat that cook's Mexican food."

"I hope so, you've been in the bathroom for three whole hours." The arrancar said under his breath as he plugged his nose and entered. Despite Yammy's three hours of digestive problems though, he would later be thankful that it saved him from a lot more torment that the others in the living world were currently experiencing.

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Wow…this is by far the most cracked out thing I've EVER actually written. I make comics for Kingdom Hearts, but I never actually wrote pure comedy crack like this. Originally, I was going to make a comic out of this and my sister, Crazy Pig was going to draw it…but our scanner crapped out on us.

As far as the future of this fic goes, it will probably never have an end. This will be something I update when I can't decide which project to work on next. To those of you curious, I'm currently trying to decide whether I'm more motivated to finally write another chapter of my Xaldin/Belle fanfic, write a GrimmHime oneshot, work on actually getting an idea on the Ryuuken/Gin challenge from LJ (I don't typically like yaoi, but I don't like passing up challenges specifically assigned to me either), or write a smutty Orochimaru/Tsunade oneshot. I've been tempted lately to write a Girlkar/Noitora hate-sex oneshot too lately. However, I don't want to remain idle in writing while trying to decide between those, so I decided to finally start this.

Feel free to criticize if you really want to, but I'm probably already aware of most of the stuff I've erred on. This is a crack fic though, so I'm not really that concerned about my writing technique that much. I'm pretty sure Arronio was out of character, and I don't think I quite got the hang of Zaera-Polo's character for starters. And Ulquiorra was made blissfully ignorant in some parts for humor.

As far as Arronio dying in this chapter…that was actually an impromptu decision on my part as I read the spoilers for the upcoming manga chapter and didn't want to rewrite the whole story to accommodate for him dying in the manga (I put a spoiler warning, so don't complain if I spoiled it). Besides, dying by a cat is a great way to die. In a comedic sort of way.

The other Espada didn't come along, because it's already hard enough not knowing Girlkar's actual name. As soon as the manga reveals more information about the unnamed Espada though, I might have them piss Aizen off and be sent to live with the rest of the Espada. As far as Yammy goes, I wanted to keep him in Hueco Mundo for humorous interaction with Aizen and the rest of the gang there.

Oh, and before anyone can ask, the cat is NOT Yoruichi. It's an actual cat. That pwns.

In the next chapter, Grimmjow and the rest of the gang invade the mall to find themselves jobs. Will they all manage to get jobs? And more importantly, where will they work? Find out in the next chapter

UPDATE: I changed the names, so quit bugging me about it, dammit!


	2. Chapter 2

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Two

By Renegade Raine

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As the five Espada stood in the middle of the entrance area of Karakura Mall, they avoided the weird glances the passing people around them as they walked by. They stood like statues, oblivious as to how they were supposed to go about getting jobs.

"So…what now?" Grimmjow asked.

"We get jobs." Ulquiorra stated.

"Thanks for that, Captain fuckin' Obvious." Grimmjow retorted. "I was asking about how the hell we're supposed to get those jobs."

"Well, I assume that you walk in and ask to work in whatever store you're at." Szayel Aporro said with a shrug. Grimmjow gave him an incredulous glare.

"Are you fuckin' stupid?" Grimmjow shouted, causing even more people to glare at the group. "If anything in life was that easy, we wouldn't need to wipe our own asses!"

"Fine." Szayel Aporro said with a groan. "Just to prove that I'm right, I'll go in this store and show you."

Grimmjow gave him another dubious look before following him and the others into an upscale-looking clothing store. Szayel Aporro looked around the store before he found a counter area in the middle of the store and walked up to it.

"Excuse me, ma'am?" he asked the woman at the counter. "I was wondering if this place was looking to hire?"

"Actually, we just fired our fashion consultant, and we were looking for another one. To be honest, I absolutely love your style." The woman raved.

"Well, I did used to be called fag." Szayel Aporro gloated.

"Excuse me?" the baffled lady asked.

"No,no, no! That's not what I meant!" Szayel Aporro with a forced chuckle. "It stood for Fashionable Arrancar Guy!"

"Arrancar?" She asked. Grimmjow kicked Szayel Aporro's leg for idiotically revealing their race in public.

"Uh…it's my middle name." Szayel Aporro said after a pause.

"Oh, I never heard that name before, but the customers LOVE exotic sounding names! I just need you to fill out this application and I can schedule you for an interview in an hour."

"Thank you." Szayel Aporro said with an exaggerated bow as he took the application. As he walked out of the store, he gave his trademark cocky smirk to Grimmjow. Grimmjow snatched the application away from him and looked over it. After a couple of seconds, Grimmjow furrowed his eyebrows.

"The hell? They ask you for sex on this thing!" Grimmjow exclaimed. Noitora then snatched the application away from Grimmjow and looked at it.

"I think I found where I'm gonna work!" Noitora said with a toothy grin as he started to stroll back toward the store.

"If you imbeciles knew anything about anything, you'd know that they were talking about gender, and not sexual intercourse." Halibel chided.

"Well screw that then!" Noitora exclaimed as he walked away from the clothing store. "Only guys who like other guys work at clothing stores! I'm gonna go find another place to work that has lots of women around instead."

Szayel Aporro only sighed at Noitora's remark as he walked away to go find somewhere to work. The others shrugged and all parted ways to do the same. Grimmjow stayed behind as he tried to figure out what to do. He saw some place called "Bath and Body Works", but he didn't go in, because the flowery smell that the place exuded pissed him off. Finally, he saw a massive store that didn't really impress him, but since it was full of books, he figured he wouldn't run into the other Espada members in there. Walking into the Barnes and Noble, he found his way to the Customer Service desk and asked for an application. With a chuckle, he put "HELL YES!" next to the boxes in the part of the application that asked for sex.

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Meanwhile, Ulquiorra found himself in front of a store that reminded him of the disgusting conditions of the human world. On top, red letters said "Hot Topic". Ulquiorra had a feeling he shouldn't, but he found himself walking into the store. As soon as he walked into the store, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Ulquiorra in awe. Ulquiorra noticed the attention he was getting and wondered if he should have gone easy with his eyeliner. He then quickly dismissed that idea, because the eyeliner clearly made him look cool, and if the humans failed to realize that, they deserved to die. However, the silence was stopped as a punk-looking male with multiple piercings stepped forward.

"I don't know who you are…" he started. "…but you are SO hired!"

"Hired?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Yeah, totally. However, you need to change into something more…alternative." The piercing guy informed Ulquiorra as he motioned to the mostly black clothing in the store.

"I can help you, if you want." A girl with black and blue hair said with a blush. Ulquiorra turned away in annoyance, but was dismayed to see even more punk and emo girls look at him with admiration. It was then when Ulquiorra had listened to his first instincts, as he knew it was going to be a long day.

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In another part of the mall, Noitora finally entered the store that he decided to work in: the Disney store. Noitora wasn't one for children, however he was all for the MILFs that were bound to populate the store. From what he had read in several magazines, single mothers were far more accepting when it came to potential mates, as most men were turned off by women with children.

Walking up to the register, Noitora smirked a little to himself as he figured out a way to get work there without filling out that bothersome piece of paper that Zaera-Polo called an application.

"Can I help you, sir?" the woman behind the counter asked.

"I was hoping to get an application for this place, actually." Noitora replied.

"Well, actually we're not hiring right-" the lady started, but was cut off by Noitora.

"It's the eye patch, isn't it?" Noitora asked with a fake sigh. "I can't get a job anywhere, because people are afraid of my eye patch. I thought that maybe here, the kids would look past my eye patch, and I could help them to be happy, but I guess I'll go look somewhere else."

"Well…" the woman said with a guilty look on her face. "I guess the manager won't mind if we hire one more person."

"Oh thank you very much!" Noitora said with forced enthusiasm, but then his grin turned more maniacal. "I swear I'll satisfy all of the customers."

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Despite the other four finding jobs, Halibel was being far pickier in finding work. She considered working at one of the places in the food court, but the personality of the men around there were even worse than her Espada companions. So she wandered around the mall for a while until she came to a store called "Victoria's Secret". The pink color of the store intrigued her, as it greatly contrasted with the rest of the mall. However, as soon as she saw that the mannequins were wearing only underwear, she turned around. She didn't even want to imagine all the greasy men that would come in there just to hit on her.

When she turned around though, she heard the gasp of a man that was behind her, followed by the sound of his feet running toward her. Halibel narrowed her eyes a little as she looked at the flamboyantly dressed man in front of her.

"You are PERFECT for my modeling campaign!" he exclaimed. "You MUST tell me your name!"

"Halibel." She replied, but as soon as she said her name, his face lit up.

"HALLE BERRY?!" he shouted. "No wonder I thought you were perfect for my campaign! I just LOVE your bleached hair makeover! Oh man, what are the chances of running into Halle Berry in this small town?!"

"But my name isn't-" Halibel attempted to say, but she was cut off again.

"If you model for my new campaign, I guarantee that you'll make THOUSANDS! I know it's not up to your usual standards, but modeling isn't anywhere near as hard as acting is!" The man said excitedly.

"Thousands?" Halibel asked as her eyes lit up a little.

"Oh, it's not enough, is it?" the man said with a little disappointment in his voice.

"No, no…I think I can make an exception." Halibel replied with a devious smirk.

"Oh wonderful!" the man said gleefully. "The limo is waiting for us outside, shall we go?"

"Lead the way." Halibel replied with a slight shrug of her shoulders. With a sigh, she was relieved to finally find a job that would pay her a generous amount of money. Because if she knew her comrades as well as she thought she did, she knew that they'd all screw up somehow, and that she'd have to be the one to get them out of their hole. Moving the cat that was still on her shoulder to her arm, she followed the man outside to his limousine.

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Back at the clothing store, Szayel Aporro was actually doing quite well in his job. Often he was too insulting in his critique of other customer's sense of fashion, but he gave good fashion tips, so it didn't really matter. However, his success at his job did not last for long.

Soon after he started to work there, the general manager of the store informed everyone that they were having a problem with people shoplifting their merchandise, and wanted to hear suggestions on how to stop the problem. Szayel Aporro told him that he had been a scientist in his "last profession" and had an invention perfect for stopping shoplifters. The manager figured that since Szayel Aporro had good fashion advice, he probably had great inventions as well, so he allowed him to install his security device.

Not long after that, Szayel Aporro was called down to the manager's office after a shoplifter, or rather the remnants of her, were found splattered all over the entrance of the store in a bloody mess.

"What in the hell is the meaning of this?" the manager seethed. "Or rather, what the hell did you do to the security tags?!"

"I just merely set a bomb in each of the security devices to explode if they were to be tampered with or if the tag passed the entrance checkpoint system." Szayel Aporro explained with a shrug.

"A BOMB?" the manager exclaimed. "We're trying to prevent our clothes from getting stolen, we're not murderers!"

"I didn't intend to murder anyone." Szayel Aporro said with another shrug, and smirked devilishly. "Besides, how was I to know that the clothes would get shoplifted? I say that it's the customer's fault in the first place that they stole the clothing."

The manager grimaced a little before he picked up the phone to call the cops. Calmly, Szayel Aporro got up from his chair and walked out of the room. A short while later, he heard a loud bang as the bomb he had set in the manager's phone that he set to go off after the numbers "911" were dialed in succession.

Sometimes humans were so predictable. Either way though, he still had to figure out what to tell everyone else when he got home with absolutely no cash and why the cops were now after him.

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Elsewhere, Grimmjow was trying to keep his sanity in check as he started his new job in the music department of the Barnes & Noble. Apparently as soon as the interview saw the "HELL YES!" by the sex question, she deemed him unworthy of working any other place in the store, but knew that the music department needed the help.

For a while, he was thankful to be working in the music department, as he found that most of the old people worked on the book floor, and old people pissed him off. However, he found that the people who worked in the music department were a little…peculiar to say the least. One was a student in theater whose chipper attitude always made Grimmjow want to smack him. Another was a chick that seemed obsessed with anime and manga and had a weird habit of closing her eyes when she faked her smile at customers. The manager, he didn't know what the hell to make out of. He had overheard the guy say to his dad on his cell phone that he thought it was getting pretty serious with an online relationship with a girl he knew in France. He was also obsessed with Ghostbusters. Between the three of them, Grimmjow couldn't figure out who the bigger dork was.

The work wasn't too bad, as most of what he had to do was put DVD and CDs away, and then find them for the customers who were too dumb to figure out how to find it on their own. However, he quickly became frustrated with his job when the girl asked him to pick up the phone, as she was busy ringing up customers. With a sigh, Grimmjow answered the phone.

"This is the music department of Barnes and Noble, how may I help you?" Grimmjow hated being so formal, but he was being paid.

"Yeah, I'm calling because I had ordered a DVD to be shipped to my home, but it still hasn't come." An older lady on the phone said.

"Okay…what's your phone number?"

The lady gave Grimmjow her number, and he looked it up on the computer. He looked at the expected date of arrival and sighed.

"Apparently, your order isn't expected to be at your house for another two weeks."

Surprisingly, the woman didn't seem mad about it, but Grimmjow would have preferred the woman to be mad, as she proceeded to tell Grimmjow her whole life story, including how her father had died of cancer, and how her husband abused her kids. For nearly an hour, Grimmjow sat with a murderous expression on his face, until the woman finally said that she'd wait for her order to come in the mail and would call back if there were any problems. Grimmjow hoped it wouldn't come to that, but didn't say anything. As soon as he hung up, his female co-worker snickered at him.

"Was it that Martha-Sue lady?" she asked.

"Yeah…how the fuck did you know?" Grimmjow asked.

"Because usually I get stuck taking her calls." She replied. "But it's your break time, so you can go ahead. After a call with that lady, I'd suggest getting some coffee. We get it half off for being employees anyways."

Cursing under his breath, Grimmjow went to the café and followed the suggestion by ordering himself an espresso. Fifteen minutes later, when he came back from his break, he was not the same person that his co-workers were used to.

"Are you a Barnes and Noble member to save ten percent?" Grimmjow asked a customer.

"No, but I'm not interested." The customer answered, as he handed over his credit card. With a psychotic grin, Grimmjow took the credit card and rammed it through the guy's stomach. The manager witnessed this and panicked a little.

"I know you're new, but that is NOT where the credit cards go!" he exclaimed.

"You said that member card sales were important, right? Well, if other customers see this, then for sure they'll buy a fuckin' card, don'tcha think?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't allow this kind of behavior to go on back here." The manager said as he picked up the phone. Grimmjow didn't know what was going on, but he figured the best thing he could do was get the hell out of there. He was sure he heard his female co-worker laugh at the corpse on the floor, but he ignored it and continued to run. Who the hell cared that he didn't bring home money? He had bigger problems to deal with.

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Unlike Grimmjow, Ulquiorra hated his job from the very moment he stepped foot into the store. The manager was happy, as the sales went up considerably as emo and punk girls flooded the store to try to get close to Ulquiorra. For a while, Ulquiorra ignored it and just stared off into space. But eventually, Ulquiorra had enough of the girls (who were mostly unattractive or overweight, or both), so Ulquiorra vented in the only way he could.

"I hate you all." He said in a completely monotone voice, and allowed the black cloud of doom to surround him. Everyone sat in complete terror for a second, but instantly the girls crowded around him in even greater numbers.

"You are so dark!" one girl raved. "That is so hot! Take me, Ulquiorra!"

For the first time in his life, Ulquiorra gave a completely exasperated look. What was wrong with the women in this world? He didn't want to find out, so he ran as he decided that he would rather bring no money than to be molested by a bunch of teenage girls. As he was being chased by a bunch of punk and emo girls, he ran into Noitora who was running away from a bunch of single mothers.

"You did not meet the standards of your job?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Shut the fuck up!" Noitora growled between gasps for air. "All I did was explain something to a kid, and everyone got mad!"

----------

A few minutes before…

Noitora eyed a particularly attractive mother with her son, as she looked at some clothing. Noitora knew he had to make a move on the woman, but first he would have to get the kid to like him.

"Hey kid…" Noitora said in a half-whisper to the kid. "Wanna know how babies are made?"

----------

"All I tried to do was educate the kid, but the brat screamed for his mom, because he thought what I said was vulgar!" Noitora explained.

"It does not matter." Ulquiorra said. "We just have to get away from everyone and get to our house…fast."

"Yeah, for once I'm with you on that." Noitora replied as they both made a run for it.

----------

An hour later, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Noitora, and Szayel Aporro desperately tried to keep all entrances to their house closed, as the area around their house was surrounded by Hot Topic fangirls, single moms, and a whole lot of cops.

"You know, I don't think we had it so bad in Hueco Mundo." Szayel Aporro shouted as he struggled to keep a window closed.

"Shut up, it doesn't matter now!" Grimmjow yelled back. "That bastard, Aizen is probably laughing his ass off at his by now!"

"Aizen-sama would not appreciate to be called such names." Ulquiorra droned as he guarded a door.

"Shut up!" everyone else in the room shouted as the crowd of people began to beat the door down. It seemed as though all hope was lost for a moment, as all the windows had broken and the door was on its last hinge, but then a long, white limousine pulled up behind the crowd. After a moment, the rider took a step out, and the police stood in awe.

"It's Halle Berry!" the chief of police exclaimed. "Oh my god, I loved her in Catwoman!"

The other members of the police squad gave him a weird look for him liking that movie for a moment, but continued to try to get into the house.

"Are you guys insane?!" the chief yelled. "With her new modeling campaign, she made so much money that her cat owns the police now!"

"Oh sorry sir…we forgot." An officer said before he turned to "Halle Berry". "So, what is it that you'd like us to do?"

"Scram…and take the rest of the crowd with you." Halibel replied. The police obeyed her orders, and within five minutes, the entire crowd was gone. With a small sigh, Halibel snapped her fingers and a couple of attendants took her bags out of the limousine and brought it into the house. Finally, carrying only a bag that contained her cat, Halibel walked inside the house wearing a large pair of sunglasses. All four of the other Espada gave her a strange glare, but only Noitora spoke up.

"What the fuck happened to you?" Noitora asked. With another sigh, Halibel set the bag with her cat inside it down and dug inside of her pocket for a second. Finally finding what she was looking for, she took her cell phone and threw it directly at Noitora's head. "And what the fuck was that for?!"

"I always wanted to do that." Halibel said simply. "But after my extensive modeling campaign and gaining half of the possessions of my three marriages that happened to fail, I think I have enough money to support you all for a while."

"It's only been six hours." Ulquiorra droned.

"In the modeling business, if you don't learn to be quick, you'll never make it." Halibel replied. "However, you four had better do the housework, otherwise I'll make you all get jobs again. I don't want to be stuck with a bunch of lazy simpletons, after al."

"So…I guess you won't mind if you have one more person live here?" Another voice said from behind. Everyone in the room turned around, and each showed varying degrees of dismay.

"Speaking of lazy simpletons…" Halibel muttered.

"Stark? The fuck you doin' here?" Grimmjow asked.

"Meh…all I did was burn the food a little." Stark replied, but I guess Aizen's just being a Nazi after you guys pissed him off.

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A couple hours ago…

With most of the Espada sent in the living room, Aizen was short of cooks in Hueco Mundo, and Wanderweiss' whining was grating on even his last nerves, so finally he assigned Stark the job of making the little arrancar something to eat. It was frustrating, but Stark obeyed and found a recipe in a book. He prepared the food just as the book said and put it into the oven. The book said it would take twenty minutes, which sounded like the perfect amount of time to take a nap.

Three hours later, the entire kitchen was on fire and Stark didn't wake up until he was nearly covered in flames. He cursed loudly, not because he was surrounded by fire, but because he knew he would be in trouble.

"STARK!" a furious voice bellowed that Stark recognized as Aizen's. "We need to talk…NOW."

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"So yeah, I guess I'll be staying with you guys for a while now." Stark said. "But if one of you guys don't mind, would you point me to the way of my bed? I'm feeling kind of tired."

"Gimme that!" Noitora grunted as he picked up the cell phone that Halibel threw at him. A couple of seconds later, he threw the cell phone at Stark's head. Stark grunted a little and rubbed his head. Szayel Aporro and Grimmjow laughed a little as Stark gave an annoyed look.

"Why the hell did you hit me with a cell phone?" Stark complained.

"Haven't you heard?" Halibel asked. "Throwing cell phones is the new bitchslap. If you're going to be useless, get used to it."

"Man, this sucks." Stark said with a sigh as Noitora, Grimmjow, and Szayel Aporro continued to laugh at him.

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So yeah, I totally took some real life experiences from Grimmjow's job (Lady seemingly obsessed with anime and manga? Yeah, that's me.). I swear that the music department is where they send the "dented cans of corn" (as one of my former co-workers said) to work, and it makes sense. And yes, I have been stuck on the phone for nearly an hour because of a lady that obviously had problems and told me her whole life story over the phone. Despite that though, I actually like my job.

For those of you who don't get the cell phone reference, super model Naomi Campbell got in a load of trouble because she threw one at her personal assistant, and had to pay a fine AND do community service. Seriously. Go look it up.

For anyone that's confused about Halibel and Stark, well that's the two most recently revealed names. Halibel is the woman Espada (FINALLY HER NAME WAS REVEALED!) and Stark is the Espada with the dark hair that goes to his chin and that always looks really bored at the meetings. And I'll call them Halibel and Stark until an official spelling is made by Kubo himself. :p

As for the next chapter, Grimmjow and Noitora make a bet against each other on which one of them can get laid first. How far will each of them go to reach their goal? And more importantly, will any of them actually COMPLETE their goal? Find out in the next chapter of Worse Than Death!


	3. Chapter 3

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Three

By Renegade Raine

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"Remind me of why the hell we're in this room with all of these rejects?" Grimmjow said loudly, causing some of the people in the room to give him a dirty look. Grimmjow just merely gave them an apathetic look in response. He then leaned back in his chair and propped his legs up on the tiny desk in front of him.

"It's because we're tired of being overloaded with house chores by Halibel, and we all decided to take the GED test, so that we can either get real jobs or go to college, so we can get away from her for a little while at least." Szayel Aporro answered.

Noitora, in the meantime, was rather enjoying the setting as he attempted to flirt with a couple of attractive women. They seemed repulsed by him though, because of his eye patch. Noitora happened to pass by Grimmjow and saw the perfect opportunity to gain the attention of the girls. He calmly walked by Grimmjow's chair and quickly kicked the already leaned chair, easily causing Grimmjow to fall back onto the hard floor. Instantly, the whole room filled with laughter. Grimmjow's expression compared to everyone else though was a complete opposite.

"Ya got a fuckin' problem with me or what?!" Grimmjow yelled as he stood up to sneer at Noitora. Noitora only shrugged and lifted his eyebrows a little.

"It seems as if you're the one with the problem." Noitora said with a devious smile. Grimmjow gave an unimpressed look, cracked his knuckles, and started to advance toward Noitora when the instructor walked in. The old woman gave the two a long stern look before speaking.

"I ask that all students be seated during testing." The instructor said with a scowl. If Grimmjow wasn't determined to have an excuse to be out of the house, then he would have disobeyed the command, however he grumbled and returned to his seat. Not long afterwards, the tests were handed out and the room went quiet as everyone tried to concentrate on the test.

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A few hours later…

"Where the FUCK is my name?!" Grimmjow exclaimed as he tried to find his name on the wall of the applicants who passed their GED test.

"If your name is not on the list, then you must have failed." Ulquiorra stated.

"The hell?" Grimmjow said incredulously. "I can understand you and Pink. Hell, I can even understand Lazy Ass passing the test. But I'm pretty sure that even I'm smarter than Noitora…and he passed!"

"You're awfully bitter today, aren't you?" Noitora stated with a cocky smirk. "But trust me, I have my own reasons that I study in my free time."

"Like what?" Grimmjow asked.

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Flashback

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Noitora lost track of how long it had been since he had last gotten some, and it was starting to piss him off. It wasn't that he couldn't get action, it was just that he had his hopes set very high. On this particular day though, his eyes glinted a little as he saw his target walk past him in the hallways of Las Noches. Quickly, he materialized behind the woman and put a hand on each of her shoulders, keeping her in place. Bringing his lips near one of her ears, he spoke in the most amative voice he could muster.

"So Halibel…whaddya say?" Noitora asked. Halibel's stoic expression did not change in the least bit as Noitora tried to seduce her.

"No." Halibel said, thinking it would be enough for Noitora. However, when she tried to walk away, Noitora tightened his grip on her shoulders and brought his lips only millimeters away from her ear.

"Don't lie to yourself." Noitora whispered with a leering glance. "You know you want it." Noitora then slid one of his hands down to rest upon Halibel's hip. However, when he attempted to lower his mouth to the back of Halibel's neck, she quickly turned the situation around and managed to pin Noitora's towering body against the wall. Noitora was a little pissed that she was the one in control, but at the same time, he had to admit to himself that he was incredibly turned on.

"I'll do anything you want, as long as you answer this question…" Halibel said with a slight twitch of her eyebrow.

"Anything?" Noitora asked with an exceptionally large grin. "Then by all means, ask away."

"Alright, then tell me what the capital of Chad is." Halibel said. "Be warned that if you answer incorrectly, I get to do whatever I want."

"Chad? You mean the guy who I beat the hell out of?" Noitora asked, clearly not realizing that there was a country that went by the same name.

"Wrong." Halibel droned.

"Ah well." Noitora said with a shrug, and then glanced lecherously at the woman in front of him. "I guess you can do whatever you want to me."

"Very well." Halibel said with a nod of her head. She released her hold on Noitora and glanced downwards. Noitora followed the path of her gaze and smirked a little as he realized exactly what she was looking at. The smirk did not last long, however. She kneed him in the groin and walked away.

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End Flashback

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"Just trust me, I have my damned reasons!" Noitora snapped, trying to forget the said reasons. "Besides, it seems that you're the one who should have studied."

"Tch. Whatever." Grimmjow muttered. "But at least I can actually pick up chicks without being desperate about it."

"What are you talking about?" Noitora asked with a raise of his brow. "I can pick up whatever chick I want!"

"Oh? Then why don't ya explain to me why you haven't gotten laid once since you stepped foot on this world?" Grimmjow said with a triumphant smirk.

"It's not like you've gotten laid either!" Noitora exclaimed.

"I could if I really wanted to." Grimmjow stated.

"You have blue hair. No woman in their right mind is going to fuck you." Noitora said with a roll of his eye.

"And you have an eye patch. Only freaks are into eye patches!" Grimmjow argued.

"Who said that I didn't like my girls on the freaky side?" Noitora countered, which only caused Grimmjow to give him a weird look, followed by a shake of his head.

"Could you guys shut the hell up already? Both of you are giving me a headache." Stark said in an annoyed tone. "Why don't you guys just settle it by seeing who can get laid first?"

"Okay…why the hell not?" Noitora responded. "So I can prove to jackass over there that I can get laid whenever I want!"

"The only jackass is you!" Grimmjow snarled. "I'll show you that I can seduce a broad better than you can, without even trying!"

"That's laughable, at best." Noitora said with a slight chuckle. "At least I have access to college girls. What're you gonna do? Pick up girls at high school?"

"Maybe, maybe not. It's none of your fucking business!" Grimmjow yelled as he started to storm off. "What matters is that by tomorrow, I guarantee that I'll win our bet!"

Watching Grimmjow stomp out of the room, Noitora smirked a little. "This should be amusing, to say the least."

"I dunno, I think he might actually win the bet." Stark commented.

"I have my doubts on both participants in this particular challenge." Ulquiorra said.

"Oh, shut the hell up, both of you!" Noitora responded. "I don't think either of you could do any better!"

"I bet we could!" Stark said, and turned to Ulquiorra. "Let's go to the bar and show that we can totally pick up chicks too. You can come with, Szayel."

"No thanks…I just realized how much money I could make by creating a love potion…I'll catch you guys later." Szayel Aporro responded, and left the building soon after.

"The bar is only a place for morons to gather." Ulquiorra said. "I'm going to the coffee shop instead."

"Coffee is some good shit." Grimmjow said. "I'd go with you, if it wasn't illegal for me to drink the stuff."

"Ah well." Stark said with a shrug. "I'm tired anyways. I'm going home"

Knowing that he wasn't going to get out of the situation, Ulquiorra sighed and walked away. Both Stark and Noitora left not long after that. Little did they know just how complicated all of their lives would become after that fateful day.

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The next day, Grimmjow grumbled as he sat at his desk at the Karakura High School. It was humiliating, to say the least, but at least he could scope out potential females for his bet against Noitora. As the students gathered inside the classroom, Grimmjow leaned back in his seat calmly. That was, until he saw a certain orange-haired kid that brought up bad memories. Instantly, he stood up and reached for his zanpakuto…but then remembered that he didn't have one.

"You!" Grimmjow shouted as he pointed his finger at him. "It's time to die!"

Ichigo stood clueless for a moment, until he put it together in his head, that without the skull remnant on his face, it was the very guy that not only owned the hell out of him, but he also managed to do it with one arm.

"Bastard, what are you doing here?" Ichigo shouted back. The two glared at each other, until Tatsuki walked through the door and punched Ichigo in the back of the head.

"You idiot!" she exclaimed. "I thought you were above beating up the new students!"

Ichigo tried to protest, but she just stomped his head down with her foot. Grimmjow laughed, as he found it immensely amusing that his rival was getting his ass kicked by a woman. His laughter did not last long, however, when Tatsuki grabbed his collar and brought his face close to hers.

"Don't think I don't know what you were doing either." Tatsuki said with clenched teeth. "Next time you try to start shit in this classroom, I'll kick your ass too!"

"Tatsuki-chan!" a feminine voice protested behind her. "Don't be so mean to Kurosaki-kun and the new student!"

The voice seemed kind of familiar, so when Tatsuki released her hold on him, Grimmjow looked around Tatsuki's shoulder and met the gaze of Orihime. Upon seeing him, Orihime's eyes widened slightly in terror, afraid that she would be whisked away to Hueco Mundo again. Grimmjow's thoughts were completely different, as he found the genius of choosing Orihime to fulfill his challenge. Noitora expressed interest in the girl before, not to mention it would piss Ichigo off. Not to mention the girl was pretty hot.

"Why are you here?" Orihime said in a quiet voice, after Tatsuki dragged Ichigo away from the scene.

"I got kicked out." Grimmjow replied, figuring it would be best to just tell her the truth.

"So you're banned from Hueco Mundo? What did you do?" Orihime asked.

"I pissed in his tea." Grimmjow answered truthfully. Orihime gave him a strange look for a moment, figuring that he was making a joke, but then she remembered that Grimmjow wasn't exactly the joking type and giggled a little.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Grimmjow asked, cutting straight to the chase.

"Well…uh…no." Orihime stammered with a blush.

"Ya want one?" Grimmjow said with a raise of his brow.

"A-are you hitting on me?" Orihime said with an even more intense blush.

"What if I am?"

"But I barely know you!" Orihime exclaimed, as she tried to recover from her blush.

"Alright, then what do I have to do to get you to trust me?" Grimmjow said with a slightly annoyed tone.

"Well…uh…maybe you can take me on a date?" Orihime suggested.

"Date? What the hell is that?" Grimmjow inquired.

"Usually you go eat dinner and see a movie, I guess." Orihime responded. "I guess I don't really know, since I've never been on one."

"Alright, fine. I'll take you on one of those 'dates'." Grimmjow grumbled.

"Really?! Okay, I'll see you later tonight then!" Orihime said cheerfully as she walked to her seat. Grimmjow furrowed his eyebrows as he watched her. What in the hell had he just gotten himself into?

----------

Meanwhile, at the coffee bar, Ulquiorra sat at a table in the farthest corner of the room he could find. Not long afterwards, a longhaired stranger entered the shop, as he was set on a mission in the human world, and wanted to know exactly what the deal was with coffee. He ordered his coffee black and set out to find the furthest seat away from everyone else. To his chagrin, however, he found that Ulquiorra already occupied the seat.

"Such unsophisticated face paint." Byakuya muttered under his breath as he sat down at a table not far from where Ulquiorra was sitting. Despite Byakuya muttering the comment to himself though, Ulquiorra head it loud and clear, and he wasn't very happy about it. He was the very definition of sophistication, and if that imbecilic human could not tell this, then it was his own problem. However, Ulquiorra was not going to just sit there and take it.

"What a gaudy hairpiece." Ulquiorra said, pretending to say the comment to himself, but making it loud enough so that the dark-haired stranger would hear it. Upon hearing the insult of his beloved family heirloom, Byakuya's eye twitched ever so slightly. NO ONE makes fun of the heirloom. It was war now!

"At least I have some sort of fashion sense." Byakuya insulted, without breaking out of his characteristic calmness.

"At least I have the fashion sense to know that wearing a scarf tends to make one look homosexual." Ulquiorra countered, meeting Byakuya in a deadpan gaze.

"At least I can afford scarves like this. By the look of your ill-groomed hair, it would seem as though you have as much reputation as a homeless man who lives in a cardboard box." Byakuya said, while somehow keeping his face completely devoid of any emotion.

"I see." Ulquiorra stated, and droned the rest of his statement. "You are a formidable opponent. However, I will not lose to the likes of a man, such as yourself, who obviously has poor taste, if your order of black coffee says anything."

Everyone else in the coffee bar could practically see the tumbleweed blow across the scene, as the two glared at each other in the most emotionless way possible. The spectators were disappointed in the lack of emotion between the two, but yet no one could look away because of the fact that they were somewhat amazed by the fact that neither emoted anything at all. One woman even recorded the impassive argument with her cell phone, just to see how long the two could go without emoting.

The most interesting thing about the whole argument though, was the fact that neither Byakuya nor Ulquiorra knew that they were natural enemies. It didn't matter though, because although their faces didn't show, they hated each other deep down inside. Even if it was quite possibly the most boring kind of hate ever.

----------

Meanwhile, Grimmjow resisted the urge to smack his head several times during the amazingly cliché animated movie that Orihime chose to watch. He was determined to win the bet though, so he tried as hard as he could to actually look interested in the movie. He managed to tolerate the movie, but during a tragic scene, where a character was killed, Grimmjow was absolutely dumbfounded when Orihime started to cry. How the hell was he supposed to get laid now?

Desperate, Grimmjow looked around the movie theater to find an example to follow. Finally he watched as a young man put his arm behind another young woman who was also crying. Grimmjow thought it looked stupid, but he mirrored the guy's action anyways. Grimmjow was a bit annoyed when she started crying into his chest, but he watched as the male he had been keeping an eye on before gently grabbed the woman's chin and kissed her. Grimmjow did the same, except he wasn't anywhere near gentle.

Orihime was first taken aback, but despite his roughness with her, it felt strangely right. She wrapped her arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. Satisfied with the turn of events, Grimmjow leaned Orihime back against the theater seats. Sure, the movie annoyed the hell out of him, but he had no qualms of completing his mission here.

"Hey! This is a CHILDREN'S movie!" one disgruntled father yelled out. Grimmjow ignored her and tried to continue making out with Orihime, but she pulled away with a huge blush upon her face.

"She's right…we shouldn't be doing this." Orihime said meekly. Disappointed, Grimmjow sat up and picked up the popcorn tub. After sitting for about a second, he stood up and threw the popcorn container at the father.

"Let's get out of here." Grimmjow said as he started to walk out of the aisle.

"Yeah…this movie isn't very good." Orihime commented as she followed him.

"Then why the hell did you cry?" Grimmjow asked, stopping momentarily.

"It was still really sad!" Orihime protested. "So where are we going anyways?"

"We'll finish what we started. Your place or mine?" Grimmjow asked. Before Orihime could answer though, Grimmjow's cell phone rang. With a groan, Grimmjow flipped it open and answered. "The fuck you want?"

"I take it that you haven't completed the bet, huh?" an all too familiar cocky voice spoke on the other line.

"I'm about to, so shut up!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "Don't even try to tell me that you finished your bet either, Noitora."

"And what if I did?" Noitora asked. Grimmjow didn't respond, as he tried to figure out whether Noitora was trying to mess with his head or not. "Just kidding! I just wanted to see if you managed to even got a chick yet."

"I got one, and I'm about to win, so you can shove it when you fail, you bastard!" Grimmjow yelled as he hung up the phone.

"When you say that 'we'll finish what we started', what exactly do you mean?" Orihime asked with a sheepish look on her face. Grimmjow only had to look at her direction and raise a brow to illustrate exactly what he meant. Orihime's blush only intensified. "Oh…uh…well…"

"So which is it? Your place or mine?" Grimmjow asked.

"Actually…" Orihime said as she cast her gaze down. "I was planning to keep my virginity until I got married. I still am."

"You've gotta be fucking kiddin' me…" Grimmjow muttered as he allowed himself to smack himself in the forehead. Bad movies were one thing, but marriage? He started to wonder if it was really worth completing his goal.

----------

Back at the coffee bar, unknown to Byakuya and Ulquiorra, a crowd of people gathered. Usually, the coffee bar owner would kick out people who started trouble, but the boring confrontation between the two dark haired men transfixed so many people, that he was having his best day of business since the day a famous porn star came to get a caramel latte.

The crowd watched with wonder as the two men continued to impassively insult each other. Everyone was bored out of their mind, but they just had to see which guy would fall asleep first. One spectator, who was exceptionally geeky even compared the insult battle to a Metapod versus Metapod battle that he once saw in an episode of Pokemon.

The calm setting was interrupted though as ringing was heard from underneath the table where Ulquiorra was seated. With a sigh, Ulquiorra answered the phone, but kept his gaze on Byakuya.

"Hello." Ulquiorra said in his trademark deadpan tone, and listened as the person on the other line spoke. "You are doing what? You imbecile. And why should I come? I think we both know that we have no love lost between us. No, I don't care what she thinks either. Fine, but only because it is a special occasion. I will be there shortly."

"So are you admitting defeat?" Byakuya asked.

"No…this is not over between us." Ulquiorra stated. "I have a more important matter to see to right now. Farewell until next time."

"I will not go easy on you." Byakuya warned.

"I will not either." Ulquiorra said before he turned and walked out the door. The crowd then groaned and split up as they realized they spent three hours of their time watching a boring argument for absolutely nothing. This, however, would not be the last time that Byakuya and Ulquiorra would cross paths. Ulquiorra was determined to prove that he was the more sophisticated one, no matter what boring insult he had to tell that man.

----------

"You came!" Orihime exclaimed as she saw Ulquiorra walk through the door. Even though the dress she was wearing made it hard for her, she ran to the green-eyed man and gave him a hug. In typical Ulquiorra fashion, he didn't react at all. Orihime was still glad that he was able to come though, as he didn't treat her badly during her time in Las Noches. "Now Grimm-chan has at least one friend that could come to the wedding!"

"Grimm-chan?" Ulquiorra asked at the same time Grimmjow snorted for Orihime even insinuating that Ulquiorra was in any way his friend.

"Well, it's too bad that Kurosaki-kun couldn't make it, but-" Orihime started to say, but was cut off by the sound of a door slamming open.

"Inoue-san, don't you dare marry that bastard!" Ichigo exclaimed as he rushed into the room. "I swear to god that I'll drag you out myself if I have to!"

"But Ichigo, I-" Orihime tried to explain, but Grimmjow stepped in front of her.

"Ya got a problem, strawberry boy?" Grimmjow sneered.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do." Ichigo said with gritted teeth. Normally, Ulquiorra wouldn't take any action, but hey, it was a special occasion. He stepped beside Grimmjow and stared at Ichigo. He then flexed his hand a little before he spoke.

"If I recall correctly, I once stabbed you through the chest with this hand of mine." Ulquiorra stated. "Now, I wonder what I can do with the other hand if you do not sit down and watch your friend's wedding"

Ichigo gulped and retreated immediately as he went to find a seat by Chad and Ishida. Grimmjow gave Ulquiorra an impressed look. Ulquiorra just gave him an emotionless glance before finding a seat away from everyone else. With everyone seated, Grimmjow and Orihime got into their places and waited for the minister. After a couple of minutes, the flamboyantly dressed minister came out silently, until he reached the center of the altar.

"BOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Don Kanonji proclaimed loudly, as he positioned his hands in his trademarked pose. Everyone else in the audience, apart from Ichigo and Ulquiorra, immediately copied the minister's actions. The sound of Ichigo crashing his head on the pew ahead of him could be heard as Don continued with the ceremony.

"We are all gathered here today by the spirits around us to celebrate the joining of this lovely lady and that…blue haired guy." Don announced. Unimpressed, Grimmjow glanced over at Orihime.

"I know that it's hard to find a minister to do an impromptu wedding, but did we have to hire that guy?" Grimmjow whispered.

"Oh, he just had his show cancelled, so I feel bad for the guy." Orihime responded. "Besides, he's really cool!"

"Yeah…really cool." Grimmjow said sarcastically as he watched the minister prance around while performing. Finally annoyed, Grimmjow yelled at him. "Could ya just skip that and get to the good part already?"

"Good part?" Don asked and then gave a little laugh. "This whole ceremony is going to be exquisite! Besides, the ceremony won't take that long, I promise!"

"Okay…if you say so." Grimmjow said dubiously.

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Two hours later…

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Grimmjow stood with an extremely exasperated face as Don Kanonji led the audience in singing the theme song of one of the many shows he had been, as Don said it united the people to appreciate the beauty of Grimmjow and Orihime's wedding. Once the song was done, Don stood in silence for a full minute (so that everyone could bask in the beauty of the song), before continuing.

"And now, in the moment you've all been waiting for, I will now allow this blue-haired fellow to kiss his lovely bride!"

"Oh, we'll be doing a whole lot more than that." Grimmjow muttered as he picked up his blushing (and I mean REALLY blushing) bride and walked down the aisle to get out of the church.

"By the power of Greyskull…er…I mean the holy God, I now pronounce you man and wife. May spirits ALWAYS BE WITH YOUUUUUU!" Don Kanonji managed to yell out before Grimmjow slammed the door shut.

----------

Elsewhere, Noitora was sprawled out in his bed in a deep sleep. Or rather he was, until the default ring tone of his cell phone started to play Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing". With a groan, he reached for his phone and answered.

"Hello?" Noitora answered in a drowsy tone.

"Take that, you bastard!" Grimmjow loudly exclaimed, causing Noitora to hold the phone a few inches away from his ear.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Noitora asked, but then remembered the bet they had. "Oh, you finally got laid?"

"S'right, I win the bet!" Grimmjow said with a laugh.

"Wow, I guess you're right. You win." Noitora said in the most impressed tone he could muster. Shortly afterwards, he heard the door to his room open and shut, causing him to cringe slightly.

"So lets hear you say it." Grimmjow bragged. "Tell me that I'm the better man!"

"Hang up the phone." A woman's voice commanded.

"Well, actually, I have to tell you something…" Noitora said, as he tried to move out of the bed.

"…and that is?" Grimmjow asked with all amusement out of his voice.

"The truth is…" Noitora said, as powerful arms kept his legs in place. "…I've had sex eleven times since yesterday."

"…what?" Grimmjow said, with a hint of mild anger.

"Yeah, tell me exactly how you managed to get all that money to take that girl out to the movies." Noitora responded.

"I borrowed the money from Halibel." Grimmjow stated. "She didn't want to give me the money, at first, but when I told her that I was in a bet against you, she gave me a whole wad of cash."

"Exactly." Noitora said. "What you don't know though, was that she gave you the money to basically pay you off so that she'd get the whole house to do whatever she wanted to me, without anyone interfering.

"Then why the hell did we even bother with the bet?" Grimmjow yelled.

"Because I wanted to see how far you would go." Noitora said with a shrug. "So what did you have to do to get her to fuck you?"

"…I married her." Grimmjow grumbled.

"What? You actually MARRIED her?" Noitora exclaimed, and then started to laugh hysterically, making him unaware of the head of his companion traveling under the blanket. "Hahahaha, not even I would be that desperate! Oh man, this is hilarious…hahahahahaAH…uhhhhh…oh…gotta go, she's in the mood again!"

Noitora hung up his phone as he grabbed Halibel's hair to bring her head closer to his. Halibel glared at Noitora for a moment before pinning both hands against the bed. Reaching behind her, she took out a pair of handcuffs.

"Put them on." She ordered. Noitora groaned.

"Again?" Noitora asked. "Why am I always the bitch?"

"Because you never answer the questions right." Halibel responded.

"Fucking trigonometry…it's not like anyone ever uses it in real life." Noitora muttered under his breath as he put the cuffs on.

----------

Meanwhile, back at the hotel Grimmjow rented for him and the new Mrs. Jaggerjack, he stood in stunned silence for ten whole seconds. He then yelled in frustration and threw his cell phone out the window.

"THAT BASTARD!"

----------

Author's Notes

For those of you curious as to what happens to Orihime…well…she's moving in with everyone. At least she can clean for Grimmjow. XD

And before anyone complains, I personally don't have anything against eyepatches. Hell, I'm the biggest eye patch fangirl in possibly the whole world (I love Noitora, Kenpachi, and Xigbar dearly), it's just that most people find them weird.

I'm a geek for totally remembering the Metapod vs. Metapod fight in Pokemon. It was the anime that got me into anime, dammit! I was also thirteen back then. But yet, in that whole series, the boring Metapod vs. Metapod fight is by far the most memorable.

I hope to god that Byakuya and Ulquiorra actually meet in the manga. All they would do is throw impassive insults at each other while fighting. Except they don't have their zanpakutos in the real world, so all they have are their impassive insults. XD

On another note, I would TOTALLY go to a wedding run by Don Kanonji. It would be beyond the point of being ridiculous, but at least it wouldn't be boring.

It's pretty sad how much love I have for the Halibel/Noitora pairing, even though they only interacted like…once in the manga so far. Hopefully they'll have at least one more exchange sometime in the manga. . 

But anyways, in the next chapter of Worse Than Death, Grimmjow, Orihime, and Noitora go to see Grindhouse. Noitora and Grimmjow are so awe-struck with the movie, that they set out to make an adaptation of the movie…and get everyone they know involved with it. See the movie, if you haven't already, because I'll probably spoil it a little in the next chapter. And yeah, there will be a lot more Espada action in the next chapter. XD


	4. Chapter 4

----------

Worse Than Death

Chapter Four

By Renegade Raine

----------

"Just so you know, I still hate the shit out of you!" Grimmjow fumed to Noitora as he finished moving Orihime's stuff into their house. Noitora only gave a shrug.

"It's not my fault that you took the challenge too easily." Noitora said with a subdued smirk, but then furrowed his visible brow as he saw Grimmjow's new wife. "Hey…isn't that pet-sama?"

"Who the fuck is pet-sama?" Grimmjow asked before glaring over at Orihime. "Don't you dare tell me that you slept with him already!"

"What if I did?" Noitora asked as he narrowed his eye.

"I didn't do anything with him!" Orihime said with a blush. "Because you…"

"You screwed a high school virgin? You really are a bastard!" Noitora said with an amused expression. "I'm kind of jealous."

"Mind your owned damned business, you pirate!" Grimmjow growled.

"Pirates are in these days, last time I checked. I have Johnny Depp to thank for that." Noitora mused before he knelt down to Orihime's level to talk to her. "I wouldn't mind exploring your seas, if ya know what I mean."

Orihime might be innocent, but she caught exactly what he meant as she blushed a furious red color. However, Noitora's face was met with a swift kick by Grimmjow's foot. Not expecting the attack, Noitora fell to the floor as Grimmjow continued to stomp on him.

"What a lame ass pick-up line!" Grimmjow shouted as he stomped on Noitora's head.

"Grimm-chan, I think you should stop…his face is starting to swell!" Orihime spoke softly, although Grimmjow cringed at her nickname for him. However, Grimmjow continued to beat the crap out of Noitora. Finally, Orihime crossed her arms and glared at Grimmjow. "If you don't stop right now, I won't do what I promised you to tonight."

"Hey now…" Grimmjow tried to reason as he immediately stopped brutalizing Noitora. Upon witnessing the scene, Noitora chuckled a little.

"Looks like someone's sleeping on the couch tonight!" Noitora commented as he broke into uncontrollable laughter. Grimmjow narrowed his gaze before continuing the abuse on Noitora.

"Stop it, both of you!" Orihime shouted. "It's a dream of mine to live as a loving wife to my husband and to live in a happy house. But if you two are fighting all the time, then it will only be a house of violence. So therefore, Grimmjow, I'm going to let Noitora join us in our movie date tonight."

"What? Are you serious?" Grimmjow said with an incredulous stare.

"Yep!" Orihime beamed. "It will be a lot more fun with more people!"

"Okay fine, take Ulquiorra if you really want to. Or Stark. Or Halibel. Hell, I'd even be fine if you took the Notorious F-A-G, but there is no way we're taking Noitora, not a chance in hell!" Grimmjow argued as Noitora went behind Orihime and slightly stuck his tongue out at Grimmjow.

In response, Orihime only crossed her arms and glared at Grimmjow.

----------

An hour later…

----------

Grimmjow had an exasperated look upon his face as he trailed behind the much happier Orihime and Noitora. He did not want Noitora to go with them, but damn it, Grimmjow wanted some tonight. He grumbled all the way until he got to the box office.

"Two tickets for Grindhouse, please." He muttered. Orihime tugged on the sleeve of his coat.

"What about Noitora?" Orihime asked.

"Yeah, what about me?" Noitora asked with a pathetically fake looking frown.

"What about him?" Grimmjow asked. "He can pay his own damned way."

"Grimmjow…" Orihime said with a glare.

"Fine, make it three." Grimmjow grumbled and looked at Orihime. "But you owe me."

"Yeah, I know." Orihime said with a blush.

Once the three were in the theater, Orihime sat down and Grimmjow took a seat next to her. Noitora looked down at Grimmjow before passing him to go sit on the other side of Orihime. Grimmjow glared at Noitora.

"I don't think so." Grimmjow said with a scowl. "You sit by me, because I know what you're going to try to pull!"

"And what would that be, hmm?" Noitora said, trying to muster up the most innocent face possible. Which wasn't very innocent looking at all. Orihime looked over at Grimmjow and gave a warm smile.

"He can sit next to me, it's alright." Orihime said, and then turned her head to Noitora. "You won't do anything bad, right?"

"Oh no, of course not!" Noitora said with a very fake looking smile on his face. Grimmjow gave him a dubious look, but only groaned and sat back in his seat. The movie came on shortly after that as the three focused their attention to the screen. Although a couple minutes after the movie started, Noitora stretched his arm out and attempted to put it behind Orihime, but was surprised when Grimmjow nearly disjointed him for his trouble. As Noitora grumbled to himself and nursed his arm, Grimmjow put his own arm around Orihime to prevent Noitora from trying the same trick twice. Seeing that hitting on Orihime was futile at this point, Noitora finally gave up and watched the movie.

----------

After the movie was finished, Noitora and Grimmjow stayed seated in place, as both were absolutely awestruck by what they had both watched. Orihime had surprisingly enjoyed the movie herself, but even she started to get a little impatient waiting for the two to get up. When they did finally get up, the two actually seemed to not hate each other as they ranted and raved about the movie.

"Planet Terror was awesome!" Noitora gushed.

"Yeah, but Death Proof had a pretty damned good ending too!" Grimmjow commented.

"Y'know what would be awesome?" Noitora asked. "If the movie actually happened in this world!"

Grimmjow gave Noitora a weird look, and Orihime started to prepare herself to prevent another fight. To her surprise though, Grimmjow's expression quickly turned into a grin.

"That's the best idea you've ever come up with ever!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "But who in the hell is gonna have the gun leg?"

"Halibel, the bitch has it coming." Noitora said with a sneer.

"She pays the bills, there's no way in hell she'd agree to it." Grimmjow commented. "Besides, aren't you her little bitch?"

"I am not anyone's bitch!" Noitora snapped.

"Hit a sore spot, didn't I?" Grimmjow asked with a smirk. "But anyways, I think my girl is the better candidate."

"You're going to make your own wife lose her leg?" Noitora asked. "You're going to be sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life!"

"Hey, she can dictate the will of friggin' God." Grimmjow argued. "If anyone can get a gun leg, it's her."

"Hey, that does kind of sound like a cool idea!" Orihime exclaimed. "I'll see what I can do!"

"In the mean time, I guess we need to find a few more people to fill the roles of everyone else." Noitora commented. "And I think I know the perfect guy to be our scientist…"

----------

Szayel Aporro was putting the finishing touches on his love potion when Grimmjow and Noitora walked into his shoddily made laboratory in his small room. Szayel Aporro looked a bit irritated that they had entered his room without knocking, but he kept his mouth shut, since they were both the two most violent arrancars in the entire Espada.

"Yo, we've got a job for you." Noitora spoke as he put a hand down on the paper that Szayel Aporro was writing on, to fully gain his attention. He gave a sign and glared at Noitora.

"And that is?"

"We need you to make us something that can turn people into zombies as soon as possible." Noitora answered.

"Zombies? But they don't exist!" Szayel Aporro said with a stroke of his hair. "I never thought that my superiors could be so foolish!"

"You're a scientist. Make them exist." Noitora deadpanned.

"Hmm…I guess I could try a few things." Szayel Aporro said as he started brainstorming.

"One more thing." Grimmjow added, stepping forward to place something on the desk.

"A knife? Why are you giving me this?" Szayel Aporro asked as he glanced down at it.

"That's to cut off people's balls off with." Grimmjow answered. Szayel Aporro thought he was just making a bad joke at first, but he raised a brow when he saw that Grimmjow was completely serious.

"I already have my testicles." Szayel Aporro said with a smug look. "Did you guys need an extra pair, or something?"

"Fuck no, I just got some last night!" Noitora exclaimed, which only elicited a chuckle from Szayel Aporro.

"And judging from the sounds I heard last night, you are in need of a new pair." The pink haired man said with a smirk.

"I still have mine, dammit!" Noitora shouted back. "Besides, at least I use mine, I'll bet that you've never slept with a woman in your life!"

"Well, actually, there was this time with Cirucci…" Szayel Aporro began to say, but his face quickly turned into a scowl. "But she was a whore anyways. A kinky whore, but a whore nonetheless."

"Wait…how kinky?" Noitora asked, suddenly becoming interested.

"C'mon, we're going." Grimmjow called out, as he was getting impatient waiting for Noitora.

"Yeah, yeah. But who are we going to get to drive the car around that we stole from the dealership?" Noitora asked.

"It needs to be someone that we don't mind losing." Grimmjow answered in thought.

"I think I know just the guy." Noitora said with a grin as he walked ahead of Grimmjow.

----------

"So let me get this straight…" Stark said with a yawn. "You want me to drive that fancy ass car…and run over any hot chicks that I see?"

"Yes, that's right." Grimmjow answered.

"I've done some retarded stuff myself, but that's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Stark said as he tried to lie back down.

"Oh c'mon…it'll be fun…I promise!" Noitora pleaded.

"Well hell, it's not like I have anything better to do anyways." Stark said with a sigh as he took the car keys. "If I go to jail though, you guys had better get me out."

"Oh, don't worry, we will!" Noitora assured with a forced smile. Stark gave him a look, but left the room anyways.

"There's no way we're busting him out, right?" Grimmjow asked.

"Of course not, he's a lazy ass anyways." Noitora said with a grimace.

"Yeah, he's the perfect choice. Even if Ulquiorra is a bitch, at least he's useful." Grimmjow commented. "Speaking of which, we still need to talk to him."

----------

"Oi, Ulquiorra!" Noitora shouted out as he spotted him come into the house.

"What do you want?" Ulquiorra asked, already dreading whatever foolish thing his comrade had to say this particular day.

"You think that I only want favors from you?" Noitora asked, and then made a very dramatized gesture. "You have such a low opinion of me!"

Ulquiorra only blankly stared at Noitora, as he did have a rather low opinion of him. Almost as if he could read his mind, Noitora narrowed his eye in response. Grimmjow sighed and gave Ulquiorra a piece of paper. Ulquiorra turned his blank stare to Grimmjow for a second before reading the writing on the paper.

"Is this a recipe?" Ulquiorra asked. "If you are hungry, you can cook your own food. I'm not your babysitter."

"No, you idiot!" Grimmjow growled. "We need you to open a restaurant and only cook this recipe!"

"Have you completely lost your mind?" Ulquiorra asked. "No."

"Oh c'mon, you damned princess, you can cook, can't ya?" Grimmjow spoke in an irritated tone.

"Why are you so concerned about my cooking ability anyways?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Look, if you just cook in that restaurant, we'll leave you alone for the rest of the month." Noitora said.

"In that case, show me the address and I will start soon." Ulquiorra deadpanned as he crossed his arms.

"You'll find the place right here." Grimmjow grinned as he handed Ulquiorra another piece of paper. "And whatever you do, do not give away your recipe. That is, unless you're about to die and you're next to your brother who's been hounding you about the recipe for ages."

"Understood." Ulquiorra said with a nod as he left the house. Soon after he left, the combined sound of feet and clunking could be heard coming down the stairs. Noitora and Grimmjow both turned their heads to watch as Orihime struggled to walk with one regular leg and one gun leg. Grimmjow's grin grew wide as he watched. Orihime noticed the two and grinned widely as well.

"I did it!" Orihime exclaimed. "Even if it's really painful and the gun won't fire on it's own, like in the movie. I'm not sure if I'm flexible enough though to fire it all the time."

"Oh, I know you are." Grimmjow commented as images from the night before flooded his mind.

"Really?" Noitora asked with a raise of his brow. He walked over to Orihime and bent down to position his mouth near her ear and spoke in his most smooth voice. "If you ever get tired of that guy, I'm always available."

Grimmjow grabbed Noitora by the collar and pulled him away. Orihime was too flushed to protest as Grimmjow tried to strangle him. Eventually, Noitora was able to break lose.

"You damned psycho!" Noitora spat out. "I still have to convince Halibel to play her part!"

"She's mine, you bastard!" Grimmjow countered. "The only reason I'm letting you live is to convince Halibel, so don't fuck it up!"

"Don't worry…I have a score to settle." Noitora said as his expression turned dark. "I didn't like what happened to the doctor guy in the movie, so I'm reversing the role. The bitch is gonna die."

"What's he so upset about?" Orihime whispered to Grimmjow.

"It's a dominance complex issue, you'll get used to it." Grimmjow whispered back.

"See ya later…I've got a job to finish." Noitora said. "Besides, Zaera's supposed to release the zombie gas he made soon. We've gotta get in our places!"

"Yeah…Pink had better not fuck this up…" Grimmjow muttered. "But I hope to hell that Ulquiorra didn't ditch us."

----------

Meanwhile, at Ulquiorra's Uber BBQ

----------

"Uber?" Ulquiorra spoke as his looked at the sign of his new restaurant. With a shake of his head, he entered the dingy building and went straight to the fridge. He breathed in relief, as he figured that the two imbeciles would be idiotic enough to not stock the fridge with the needed ingredients. After thinking for a moment, Ulquiorra took out everything and set it out for when the customers would start to come in. He then took a seat and waited patiently, all while mentally noting to himself about how idiotic the whole ordeal was.

Finally, after three hours, Ulquiorra perked his head up as he heard the bell positioned over the door ring. However, as soon as he saw who came in, he narrowed his eyes.

"So…it's you." Ulquiorra said. As the dark-haired visitor muttered to himself about how filthy the place was, he looked up at the owner and narrowed his eyes as well.

"I should have known that someone such as yourself would run a place as unsophisticated as this." Byakuya insulted calmly as he came in.

"If I recall correctly, you are the one who entered this establishment." Ulquiorra countered. "So therefore, you must be the unsophisticated one.

"I only entered this pathetic excuse for a building, because all the promiscuous women who are trying to sleep with me is getting rather annoying." Byakuya countered in a voice just as deadpanned as Ulquiorra's

"Now you can not defeat even a woman?" Ulquiorra asked. "You are truly pathetic."

"Not as pathetic as a person such as yourself who is only wealthy enough to run a place like this." Byakuya stated. "And besides, there is something amok in the town. I do not know what has happened, but everyone in town has an insatiable desire to have sexual relations with each other. Perhaps an unsophisticated person such as yourself would not mind being a part of that, but I'm much too dignified for that."

"Is that so?" Ulquiorra asked and then lowered his voice. "What have those imbeciles done?"

----------

Back at the Espada (and Orihime) House…

----------

"Ah…hello love." Noitora said seductively as Halibel walked into the hallway. Halibel narrowed her eyes in hope that Noitora would get the hint and move the hell out of the way, but Noitora was never the type to get the hint. With a sigh, she dropped her bag and placed a hand on a well-defined hip.

"Why is it that I constantly run into you in hallways?" Halibel spoke in an irritated tone.

"Because you like it against the wall." Noitora said with a smirk, completely disregarding the fact that it was almost always him against the wall. "I need you to do something for me though."

"I'm not in the mood right now." Halibel said plainly. "I just finished a photo shoot and I'm tired."

"Now, not that." Noitora said with a shake of his head, and quickly moved to take Halibel's hand in his own. "I need to break your hand, so that we can do a little role-play. I'll be the doctor, and you can be his bitch wife."

"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't do role-play." Halibel said with a sigh and then reversed the hold that Noitora had on her hand, so that his arm was pinned behind him in a very uncomfortable position. "And I sure as hell am not going to let you damage any part of me for you to play your games."

"Okay, here it goes!" Szayel Aporro shouted from his room. "It's zombie time!"

"Oh crap, I forgot to put the mask on!" Noitora managed to say between his grunts of pain. Despite his pain though, he found his current situation somehow arousing. Within a couple of seconds though, he was completely turned on. "I can't explain it, but this is somehow really hot."

Halibel didn't want to admit it, but for the first time in her life, Noitora somehow looked very desirable to her. She figured it was fatigue, but the fact remained that there were several things she wanted to do to him…and things she wanted him to do to her.

"Wanna have sex in Ulquiorra's room?" Halibel managed to mutter out.

"Oh hell yes!" Noitora said as he picked up Halibel and made his way toward the lower ranked Espada's room.

----------

In another room, Grimmjow sat next to Orihime on the bed in their room. Orihime looked over at him and instantly blushed.

"Remember that thing you said you promised?" Grimmjow spoke. "It's time to pay up."

"B-but…Zaera's about to turn people into zombies, we have to be there to fight them!" Orihime exclaimed.

"Didn't you watch the movie?" Grimmjow asked with a raised brow. "The guy and the girl have their sex scene before killing the big, bad zombies."

"Oh yeah…that's right." Orihime said as the blush spread across her whole face. With a triumphant grin, Grimmjow slid his jacket off and closed the distance between him and Orihime as he grabbed her and forced their lips together. Orihime gave a moan as he gently pushed her body down on the bed.

"Don't worry." Grimmjow breathed into her ear. "I'll make this mind-blowing for the both of us."

With that, Grimmjow unbuttoned the front of Orihime's blouse. After a few seconds though, he grew frustrated and just ripped it off. Taking a look at her body, he gave one last smirk before he lowered his face toward Orihime's god-like breasts to-

----------

I apologize for this inconvenience, but it appears that the rest of this purposely corny sex scene has been lost. And when I mean lost, I mean that I didn't actually write it as a silly attempt to copycat the style used in the Planet Terror part of Grindhouse, which apparently was losing the film reel in the middle of the sex scene. If you want GrimmHime pr0n badly though, check my LJ (renegaderaine) for a lemon oneshot. Not to mention there will be at least a couple of themes in the 30angsts theme I signed up for GrimmHime that will contain sex.

Thank you for understanding.

Renegade Raine

----------

Noitora and Grimmjow paced around the room as they both tried to figure out why their plans were going horribly wrong. They had gone to Szayel Aporro's room, but he was mysteriously gone when they had broke in. After a few minutes though, they heard someone come in the door.

"That was the best idea you guys EVER had!" Stark exclaimed as he walked in the door.

"Really?" Noitora asked, perking up a little. "How many bitches did you run over?"

"Run over?" Stark asked, and gave a little laugh. "Nah, I got a bunch of girls together and we had a really freaky orgy!"

"What?!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "I thought we told you to run the women over!"

"I was going to too, but when a huge group of women stood in the middle of the road and walked up to my window, I figured I'd do the nice thing and roll my window down. But then, for the first time in a while, I didn't feel tired and got all horny."

"God damn it." Noitora muttered. "I should have drove the damned car…although for once, I wasn't the bitch, so it was a win-win situation for me."

"Anyways, I'm tired. I'm going to bed." Stark said with a yawn as he went upstairs.

Shortly after, Szayel Aporro entered the house as Grimmjow and Noitora glared at him. Szayel Aporro stared back at them for a moment before giving a shrug.

"What's your guys' problem?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Why isn't the world infested with zombies?" Noitora asked.

"It isn't?" Szayel Aporro responded with a cock of his head. "And I was sure that it would work too!"

"What in the hell were you doing out anyways?" Grimmjow asked.

"Oh, me?" Szayel Aporro asked. "Well, you remember the love potion that I was working on? Well, I finished it and I had met with a guy who wanted to buy it."

"Wait…did you say love potion?" Noitora asked, remembering the odd behavior from Halibel in the hallway. "Don't tell me that you-"

----------

Strutting confidently, Keigo walked into the mall carrying the large container that he had just bought from an odd man with pink hair. Keigo had tried hard to get a girlfriend at school, but no matter what he did, he just seemed to drive women away. So after he had found a flyer about a love potion on a telephone pole, he called the number on it in a last ditch attempt to finally get laid.

Walking in the mall, he made his way to the center and placed the container on the ground. Reciting the man's directions to himself, he set up the device so that it would cause all the women inside to desire him the most. Rubbing his hands together, he pressed the button to activate it and stood as he waited for the effects to take place. He lifted his hand up to look at the time, but looked in horror as he saw that his flesh was bubbling in a very strange way. He tried to rub it away, but it only seemed to make it worse.

And for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why he had a sudden desire to eat human brains. He shrugged it off though as he spotted a nearby woman and set off to chase her.

----------

Back at the house, Grimmjow and Noitora watched the television out of pure boredom. They weren't sure what had happened, but their plan had failed miserably. Noitora flipped through the channels with an uninterested look upon his face until he came across bizarre images being flashed upon the screen on the local news channel.

"Authorities are not sure what triggered this odd evolution in humans, but many are suspecting that the end is near for our world. More at ten, if our station isn't over run by zombies by then." The news anchor spoke with a bitter laugh.

"Oh my god, the idiot actually DID switch the potions!" Noitora exclaimed.

"Now we can be the heroes!" Grimmjow said with a wide smirk. "I'll get Orihime so we can get this fuckin' party started!"

----------

Again, I apologize for somehow "losing" this part of the story, but again, I'm poorly imitating the Grindhouse movie. But anyways…uh…what do you want to talk about? Well…it sucks that it's Golden Week in Japan, doesn't it? I mean, no manga this week, and damn it, Grimmjow/Orihime interaction was actually happening, even though I know it's probably going to be the Pinky/Ishida fight for the next month. Naruto, however, looks like it's going to get real interesting soon though.

Ah yes, I should probably be getting back to the story.

Renegade Raine

----------

After Orihime stretched her leg far enough in the air to get the fatal shot in the last zombie left in the entire world, she started to fall back, but Grimmjow arrived on the scene just in time to catch her. 

"Grimmjow, you're alive!" Orihime cried out as she looked up at his face.

"Tch, as if I'd die that easily." Grimmjow said with a roll of his eyes.

After helping her up on her foot, they made their way toward the rest of the group, who were watching the sunrise across the beach.

"You know, that outfit looks really hot on you." Noitora said to Halibel, who was dressed in an even skimpier outfit to accommodate for the hot temperature. "Wanna have sex on the beach?"

Halibel only punched him in the head and spoke without moving her gaze from the sun. "Shut up, you're ruining the dramatic moment."

After a couple of moments, Byakuya walked over to Ulquiorra. The two gave the most impassive hateful stares ever before Byakuya turned around.

"Although we had to cooperate for the greater good, this is no over between us." Byakuya said.

"I would certainly hope not." Ulquiorra responded. Byakuya gave another glare before he started to walk off. He then remembered something though and turned around again.

"Oh, and that thing at the barbeque restaurant never happened." Byakuya stated. Upon remembering the said incident, Ulquiorra grew even paler, but kept his apathetic façade.

"What is this incident that you speak of?" Ulquiorra asked. Byakuya looked slightly relieved as he again turned to walk away for good.

"Why in the hell are we in Jamaica anyways?" Stark asked as he lied upon the sand.

"Because the location makes for better scenery for the final fight scene, obviously." Grimmjow answered. Everyone sat in silence for a few minutes before Grimmjow spoke up again. "Seriously, this is the most retarded idea that we ever came up with."

"I agree, I'm sick of this stupid gun leg!" Orihime exclaimed.

"Thank god, it made for some sex that was too freaky for even my tastes." Grimmjow commented as Orihime worked on rejecting its presence.

"Do me a favor." Grimmjow said as he looked over at his wife.

"What is it?" Orihime asked.

"Reject this whole damned thing." Grimmjow muttered. "Seriously, Jamaica fucking sucks."

"Yeah, I think we agree that this whole thing sucks." Orihime said as she worked on his request. "Here we go!"

----------

Meanwhile, Grimmjow and Orihime sat on the bed of the room that they shared. Grimmjow wiped the sweat off of his head, as he was exhausted from moving all of Orihime's stuff into his room. Noticing her husband's annoyance, Orihime looked over sweetly at him.

"If you want, we can have a little fun tonight!" Orihime said with a slight blush.

"Sounds like a damned good idea to me!" Grimmjow said with a grin.

"But could we do something tonight?" Orihime asked.

"What is it?" Grimmjow sighed.

"I really want to go see a movie." Orihime answered.

"It's not another stupid chick flick, is it?" Grimmjow muttered.

"No, actually I heard about this movie called Grindhouse, and I really want to see it!"

"Well, the title sounds interesting enough." Grimmjow said. "Okay, let's get this over with."

"Yay!" Orihime cheered. "This is going to be fun!"

As he watched Orihime bounce out of the room though, Grimmjow felt like something horribly wrong was going to happen. But he only shrugged, because he felt like that in every single day of his life.

----------

Author's Notes

----------

Hahaha, and it ends on a full loop! :D

Holy crap my story layout was weird this time. Quentin Tarantino would be proud. :p

On another note, until I'm proven otherwise, my theory is that Noitora and Halibel are ranked in the top three, thus leading to my comment of Ulquiorra being lower ranked.

In the newest chapter, Szayel Aporro referred to Cirucci as a whore, which instantly reminded me of Cirucci's constant insults, considering Ishida's masculinity, which says to me that she had some sort of problem concerning a lack of masculinity. And when I think of a lack of masculinity, I think of pink hair. So of course, my mind immediately draws to the conclusion that Zaera and Cirucci had something going on. It is now SO my third favorite pairing concerning arrancars now (after Grimmjow/Orihime and Halibel/Noitora). I might even convince myself that Cirucci is still alive and bring her into the story as a side character. I have some ideas for her. XD

As far as the incident goes that Byakuya talked about toward the end of this chapter, I'll let you draw to your own conclusions. Did the fangirls invade the restaurant? Did the love potion reach the restaurant, causing Byakuya and Ulquiorra to act very…differently? Was it a combination of both with a kinky twist? YOU DECIDE:D

But yeah, I probably won't update this story for a little while as I work on my 30angsts for GrimmHime, so I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. :p


	5. Chapter 5

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Five

By Renegade Raine

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Grimmjow didn't know why he didn't just keep his mouth shut, but when Noitora asked him about how wild his bachelor party was, he replied that he didn't have one. He then immediately regretted saying even that as soon as he saw Noitora's eye narrow deviously. The next moment, Noitora was sauntering around the house, gathering all of the males. Grimmjow looked less than pleased.

"Do I really have to go to the strip club with you guys?" Grimmjow groaned.

"Well, I guess I could always throw your lovely wife a bachelorette party she would never forget, if you know what I mean." Noitora responded with a leering look.

"Alright fine!" Grimmjow spat out. "But do we really have to take everyone else with? Stark will probably just fall asleep there, Ulquiorra will totally kill the mood, and Szayel…well…I don't think he's into that kind of thing, if you know what I mean."

"Aw c'mon, you've gotta admit that watching Stark fall asleep during a lap dance would be hilarious. And believe it or not, Szayel is a complete chick magnet, we'll need him to get in the club…trust me." Noitora explained. "However, I see your point with Ulquiorra. He'd probably want to change the music in the club to Fallout Boy."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't listen to that drivel?" Ulquiorra spoke monotonously as he emerged out of his room. "I am glad I do not have to go to with the rest of you idiots."

"Yeah, the feelings mutual." Grimmjow commented. "But instead, you're going to stay with Orihime and make sure that no other guys try to make a move on her, ya understand?"

"And why am I assigned this job?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Because you're by far the most qualified babysitter." Grimmjow replied. "Besides, we all know that in the day that you actually get sexual urges of any kind, the entire universe will implode."

"What makes you think that I will actually follow your orders?" Ulquiorra inquired.

"It's either stay with her or go with us." Grimmjow said with a shrug.

"Very well. I will stay with your wife. At least I can trust that she will not do anything as moronic as the actions you are infamous for."

"Tch. Whatever." Grimmjow replied as he started to go out the door. "Let's get this thing done with already."

"Have fun, Grim-chan!" Orihime called out as Grimmjow went out. The group of guys around him gave a little chuckle at the nickname, despite the hateful glare Grimmjow gave all three of them. As soon as Grimmjow, Noitora, Szayel Aporro, and Stark were out of the room, Halibel turned to Orihime and gave a slight smirk.

"I don't know you and you don't know me, but we're going to have the best bachelorette party ever." Halibel said.

"Oh, are we going to a karaoke bar?" Orihime asked with a grin. Halibel scratched her head a little before answering.

"No, not quite." Halibel replied. "Have you ever been to a male strip club?"

"N-no." Orihime replied with a flustered face.

"Then I'm taking you to one." Halibel said flatly.

"…what?" Ulquiorra asked. He did not like the idea at all, but he still managed to show absolutely no emotion. " The girl is fifteen. How do you think that you are going to get her in?"

"That's one advantage to this world." Halibel replied. "Since I'm a world famous model, I can do pretty much anything."

"Now you are being naïve." Ulquiorra said.

"Me? Naïve?" Halibel asked with a quirk of her eyebrow. "Ha! I'll show you!"

----------

"Who's the naïve one now?" Halibel gloated as the three stepped into the Bow Chika Wow Wow Ladies Club. Ulquiorra only followed in silence as they stepped into the room, which was illuminated by lights of several colors. Ulquiorra kept his focus on the lights, just so he wouldn't have to set his gaze upon the appalling display on the stage.

" Just because you might be sexually frustrated, it does not mean that you must drag the more pure of mind in the mud along with you." Ulquiorra scolded as he tried as hard as he could to not look at the scantily dressed gentleman on the stage shaking parts of his body that Ulquiorra thought should never be shook.

"Sexually frustrated? That sounds more like you." Halibel countered with a shrug as she scoped the place out. She then spotted an attractive male and handed him a hundred dollar bill and pointed over to Ulquiorra. "Here, let me help you out."

"No, that is completely unnecessary!" Ulquiorra tried to protest, but the skimpily dressed man was already hesitantly advancing toward him. Once the man was directly in front of him though, Ulquiorra's mildly distressed looking face shifted to one devoid of any emotion. "It figures that a person such as yourself would eventually be forced to work here."

"At least I'm only working here from orders by my superiors." Byakuya said just as plainly as Ulquiorra. "I knew that you were unsophisticated, but I never thought that even you would stoop as low as visiting a place like this."

The two emotionless men then started their slew of impassive insults as Halibel and Orihime watched. "Does Ulquiorra and Byakuya-san know each other?" Orihime asked.

"Oh, I'm sure they know each other, all right." Halibel commented. "All of us Espada figured that Ulquiorra was the gayest one of all."

"Really? I don't like assuming, but I figured Szayel Aporro was the most…you know." Orihime replied.

"Oh, don't let appearances fool you." Halibel said with a slight smirk. "If anything, Szayel is probably the most straight one out of all of us."

----------

Meanwhile, outside of the Big Melons Strip Club, Grimmjow marched ahead to go in the club and get it over with, but was immediately stopped by a woman with a husky build at the door.

"ID please." She barked out as he approached her.

"ID? I'm Grimmjow fuckin' Jeagerjaques! I don't NEED an I-" he started to say, but was soon pulled away by Noitora.

"You're only gonna get us kicked out that way!" Noitora said in a low voice. "We weren't given any sort of ID in this world, but we have Szayel!" Grimmjow only gave him a dubious look for a few seconds before he spoke.

"What the hell is he going to do? Eat her?!" Grimmjow said with a roll of his eyes.

"Szayel…would you be kind enough to show off expression number three hundred and fifty-nine?" Noitora requested with a wave of his skinny hand.

"Certainly." Szayel Aporro responded as he slightly bowed. Within a second, the corners of Szayel's lips twisted into a scary proportion as his teeth were bared. The irises and pupils in both of his eyes also shrank considerably as he contorted his face into maniacal glee.

"No, not THAT one!" Noitora exclaimed, but it was too late as the security guard woman was paralyzed with fear.

"You SAID expression three hundred and fifty-nine!" Szayel Aporro protested.

"That wasn't the expression I had in mind, but what the hell? This works." Noitora said with a sigh. "Let's go in."

As the four men walked in, they looked around the area, but finally decided on sitting on the row of seats closest to the stage. While the strippers did their routine, each four of the men reacted differently. Noitora, of course, was the ecstatic one as he threw dollar bills on the stage and yelled out vulgar suggestions, which in turn caused one of the strippers to slap him across the face. Noitora then gave her more money. Stark, surprisingly didn't fall asleep. Instead, he played it cool and handed the money over, which caused most of the strippers to pay more attention to him.

Szayel and Grimmjow didn't get into it as much as the other two though. Grimmjow just looked unimpressed, as when it came to the two things he liked the most about Orihime's body, although every single woman was forced to have plastic surgery, all the women clearly paled in comparison to his big-breasted wife. Szayel was also unimpressed, but instead of being quiet, like Grimmjow, he pissed off the women as he yelled out exactly what was wrong with each of their bodies.

After a couple of hours though, the curtain was raised as the backside of the headlining stripper was revealed. The only man among the group who didn't stare in awe was Grimmjow, as he was still disgruntled over the whole trip. Even Szayel Aporro couldn't find anything wrong with her body as his gaze traveled up her bare legs until he saw her skirt that just barely covered her ass. His gaze lingered for a few seconds and then traveled upwards. When he saw the hair though, his slightly agape mouth twisted into a wide grin.

The stripper then suddenly turned around to reveal the two tear drop marks on her face. She looked over the audience with a seductive gaze until she saw the pink-haired man directly in front of her. She instantly froze when she saw the grin she was all too familiar with. Within ten seconds, her face went from seductive to fearful to absolutely furious. Pointing at the man, she gritted her teeth.

"YOU!" She screeched, causing most in the audience to wonder if she was practicing some new sexy drill sergeant type of gimmick. Szayel Aporro simply brushed a stray hair aside with a finger and folded his arms.

"I always knew that you were a whore, but I thought I'd never see you stoop this low…" Szayel Aporro started, but paused to tame his wide grin to a simple smirk. "…Cirucci."

"Why can't you leave me alone?!" Cirucci screamed, balling up her fists. "I let you have a chance with me, and then you had to go screw it up!"

"Gave me a chance? Don't make me laugh. You were the one who always came running back to me. Besides, I wasn't the one who slept with Yammy." Szayel Aporro calmly argued. "If anyone 'screwed' anything up, it was you." Upon hearing his comment, Stark, Grimmjow, and Noitora gave Cirucci a very perturbed glance.

"God damn, the bitch really IS kinky." Noitora muttered in a combination of disbelief and excitement.

"And here I thought that Ulquiorra and Yammy were gay for each other." Stark said to himself.

"You know what you did!" Cirucci yelled. "Can you really blame me for not wanting to sleep with you after what you did?"

"I still don't see why you're so upset over it." Szayel Aporro said with a sigh, although he kept his amused smirk on his face. "I only did what you asked me to."

----------

Flashback

----------

Szayel Aporro was experimenting on his self-made Fraccion when he heard the door to his personal chambers creak open. Szayel Aporro stopped momentarily with a smug smile, but didn't bother to turn around to look at his expected guest as he continued on with his experiments.

"I thought you said that it was the last time." Szayel Aporro finally spoke as he examined Lumina. Szayel Aporro paused for several seconds, allowing Cirucci to speak, but when she kept herself silent, he continued speaking. "I told you that you'd be back."

"Shut up." Cirucci said with a scowl. "It's already humiliating enough how you stripped me of my rank…among other things."

"But yet, you still came." Szayel Aporro said as he gave a slight smirk.

"That's beside the point!" Cirucci spat out. "You raped me in front of everyone!"

"What was that saying again? Wasn't it something like 'You can't rape the willing?'" The pink-haired man countered. "Besides, you obviously enjoyed it, since you've come back here countless times now."

Cirucci opened her mouth to argue, but found that she couldn't find anything to argue about and shut her mouth again. She hated that man with every fiber of her body, but she couldn't deny the fact that he was the only man to ever make her orgasm. So naturally, she found herself coming to his room constantly, even if she hated him, as well as herself afterwards.

"Szayel Aporro-sama! Szayel Aporro-sama! Why is this Privaron in your room? Why, Szayel Aporro? Why?" Verona asked, as she continued to pester its creator. Szayel Aporro looked upon it with a raised brow for a couple of seconds before giving a slight groan.

"Would you shut the hell up?!" Szayel Aporro yelled. "Is it any of your business to know why anyone is in my room?"

"N-no…sorry sir." Verona replied as she bowed its head.

"Didn't think so." Szayel Aporro said in a calmer voice. "Now if you don't mind, go find something else to do."

"Yes sir!" Verona replied as she trotted over to another corner of the room. Szayel Aporro resisted the urge to slap his palm against his face as he wondered why his creations had to be so dim-witted.

"I mean get the hell out of here!" Szayel Aporro barked out. Verona finally got the hint and ran out of the room. The Octava Espada then looked around the room and sneered when he saw that the rest of his Fraccion was still in his room. "That means all of you!"

Giving a frustrated sigh, Szayel Aporro waited for all of his Fraccion to leave his room before he finally turned around to look at his purple-haired visitor. Regaining his composure, he gave Cirucci a confident smirk.

"I apologize for my subordinates behavior." Szayel Aporro said. "Now what is it exactly that you want from me?"

"Don't toy with me." Cirucci sneered.

"But isn't that what you like?" Szayel asked with a wider grin. When Cirucci didn't respond, he gave a slight shrug. "Very well, what device do you want to try out today?"

"I want…something different." Cirucci suggested.

"Very well, there's this new contraption I just created-" Szayel Aporro explained as he gestured toward something he had recently made, but Cirucci cut him off.

"No, that's not what I meant!" Cirucci exclaimed, and sighed a little before continuing. "I want you…to…um…eat me."

"Eat you?" Szayel repeated, with a quizzical expression on his face.

"Yes. I think I've done more than enough for you, so I thought maybe just this once, you could do me a favor." Cirucci explained.

"So you want me to eat you?" Szayel said, trying to confirm what she had just explained.

"Yes."

"Very well, lay down on the table then." Szayel Aporro ordered. With a grin, Cirucci did as he asked. Slowly, he walked over to the table. He stood still for a moment before leaning over her. He fixed his gaze upon her eyes as he brought his head closer to the lower portion of her body. "You really are the kinkiest bitch I've ever known."

Cirucci smiled victoriously, as he grabbed onto her leg. The smile was short lived, however, when she felt Szayel Aporro's teeth dig into the flesh of her ankle. Screeching, she flailed about.

"What the hell are you doing?!" she screamed. Confused, Szayel Aporro wiped the blood from his mouth.

"Only what you told me to." Szayel Aporro replied.

"That's it! This time it really is over!" Cirucci growled as she sat up and wobbled out of the door. Szayel watched her leave for a couple of seconds before giving a shrug.

"She'll be back." He commented to himself, not realizing how badly he misinterpreted her request.

----------

"Because of you, I have to get my foot surgically reattached!" Cirucci exclaimed.

"So what? You got a better foot, right?" Szayel Aporro countered.

"That's not the point!" Cirucci screamed. "Because of you, I was banished to this backwater world, and now I have to do this god forsaken job to earn a living!"

Meanwhile, the crowd in the club had a mixed reaction. Some guys got into the action and figured it was a show set up by Jerry Springer, while others were pissed, because they just wanted to see boobs. And then there was Noitora, who was strangely turned on by the whole ordeal.

"So this is your job?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Yeah, thanks to you." Cirucci pouted. Szayel Aporro gave her the smirk she hated with everything she had for a couple of moments before he walked onto the stage. Cirucci tried to scratch at him with her nails, but he just caught her wrist with his hand. He then forced her down to her knees.

"Then why don't we give these people a show they'll never forget?" Szayel Aporro whispered into her ear as he knelt down as well and pushed her down to the floor. Almost the entire crowd went wild (apart from Stark, who had fallen asleep at that point and Grimmjow, who was still pissed about being drug into the strip club). Cirucci thought about fighting him off, but cursed herself as she found herself not protesting to him ripping off her shirt.

One thing was for certain though, the audience was indeed in for one hell of a show.

----------

Elsewhere, at the Bow Chika Wow Wow Ladies Club, Byakuya swore that Yamamoto was the most bitter bastard that ever existed. Sure, Byakuya had helped Renji and Rukia escape to Hueco Mundo against his orders, but he thought that Yamamoto would never find out.

Unfortunately, he did, and he was sent to the real world to live for a while. He thought that punishment was bad enough, but then Yamamoto called him on his cell phone and instructed him to go work at that vile "Ladies Club" for the night. He didn't think it would get any worse, but then his sworn enemy that wore far too much eyeliner had to come into the place. And now, he was forced to compete in a mud wrestling competition with said rival by the several women that occupied the building.

Byakuya swore to himself that he would quit his job as soon as possible, but then he remembered that he didn't exactly have a choice in the matter.

"Good luck, Byakuya-san! Good luck, Ulquiorra-san!" Orihime cheered, finding it unfit to choose a side.

"This needs more mud." Halibel stated. She walked over to the ring, took a bucket of mud, and poured it over both Ulquiorra and Byakuya's pale bodies. Satisfied, Halibel rubbed her cat's head once before going to stand by Orihime again.

"Well, now that the world famous model and actress, Halle Berry has okayed the conditions, it's time for these two attractive men to fight!" the announcer yelled. "On the count of three…one…two…three!"

Neither Ulquiorra nor Byakuya made a move though. The women around them protested loudly, but the two proud men didn't care. It was already bad enough that their perfect bodies were covered with mud, so there was no way that they would wrestle each other for the enjoyment of the obviously depraved women. However, Halibel was not pleased.

"These men are not cooperating. Go rile them up a little, Cock Slayer." Halibel muttered to her cat. Mewing once, Cock Slayer jumped off from Halibel's shoulder to Ulquiorra's head. Ulquiorra tried to wrestle the cat off of his head, but it scratched him once on the face before jumping over to Byakuya and biting him in the chest. Despite the amount of pain both men were in, they still managed to keep their faces relatively emotionless.

"Now, both of you will compete in hot mud wrestling for the sake of this newlywed girl, or I will show you the real reason why I named my cat Cock Slayer." Halibel droned as her cat hung onto Byakuya's body with its claws and positioned its jaws above his most treasured part of his body.

"Alright, fine. I will compete." Byakuya surrendered, being the proud man he was.

"And I shall too." Ulquiorra agreed, being just as proud.

"Good." Halibel said, as she whistled for her cat. "Then let the games begin."

The two men stared at each other for a moment before Ulquiorra gritted his teeth and made the first move by attempting to put Byakuya into a headlock. Byakuya, however, brought his arms up and wrestled the green-eyed man over dominance in the match. Soon, the two men were on the floor, trying to keep the other down, but found each other switching positions on the ground.

Around them, women loved the action and yelled encouraging things to each competitor. Halibel didn't say anything, but was obviously satisfied, with the smug look upon her face. And even though she tried to hide it, Orihime also seemed to be enjoying the match as she watched with flushed cheeks.

"Aren't you glad you tagged along now?" Halibel said to Orihime. "I bet the guys aren't having half as much fun as we are."

----------

Halibel was half correct in her statement. Stark was still asleep, so he obviously couldn't enjoy the moment for himself. Grimmjow had since moved away from the stage to drink as much as possible at the bar to try to forget the whole night even happening.

However, Noitora watched every action that happened upon the stage and cheered his fellow Espada on (since he was not allowed to join in). And it was quite obvious that Szayel Aporro was having plenty of fun on the stage. Cirucci gave a loud groan as she came for what seemed like the twelfth time that night. Finally tired of giving everybody a show, Szayel Aporro pulled away and zipped up his pants as he searched for his shirt on the stage. When he found it, he picked it up and left the stage.

The audience stood silent in awe for a couple of seconds, before cheering loudly and demanding an encore. Szayel paid them no mind though as a group of other strippers gathered around him. Seeing the attention that her sex partner was getting, Cirucci quickly gathered her clothes and stormed off the stage.

"He is MINE, you bitches!" Cirucci yelled at her co-workers. Seeing her predicted reaction, Szayel Aporro gave Cirucci a knowing glance.

"I thought I screwed up that 'chance'?" Szayel Aporro said to her. Cirucci gave Szayel Aporro an unimpressed look. Looking at the other females in his company, Szayel gave another smirk. "I belong to no one, but I'm afraid I'm straight, so even the very thought of touching any of you is quite revolting."

The strippers started to laugh, but then the comment sunk into their shallow minds as they gasped. Finally, they stomped away as Szayel Aporro and Cirucci laughed at their impudence. After a while, Szayel Aporro finally looked over at Cirucci.

"Let me guess…you're now going to tell me that this is the last time, and it's actually over this time." Szayel Aporro said. Cirucci looked over at him with a different look in her eyes, but it was quickly erased with his next comment. "But we both know that you'll come back to me, like the whore you are."

"Like hell I will!" Cirucci spat out. "You're an insensitive jerk! This is the last time I let you do this to me, I swear!"

With that, Cirucci stomped away from the man she both hated and lusted after. Grinning at her all too predictable action, Szayel Aporro slid his glasses on his face and watched her leave.

"She'll be back." Szayel Aporro commented to himself as he looked at the pair of her thong underwear he had picked up along with his clothes. With a final smirk, he walked outside the building.

Meanwhile, at the bar, even after several shots of the strongest alcohol the bartender had, Grimmjow could not get the images out of his head of all that had transpired of the night. He heard a pair of footsteps approach behind him, but he did not turn around, as he knew exactly who it was.

"Now aren't you glad I brought you with?" Noitora asked. "This was the best night EVER!"

"You seriously need to get laid." Grimmjow muttered.

"I DO get laid!" Noitora protested.

"No, you get manhandled." Grimmjow corrected. "This was great and all, but I'm gonna go find my wife. I'm sure she'll be a much suitable source of entertainment for myself."

"Well whatever, suit yourself." Noitora said with a shrug. "You might want to go look at the Ladies Club though."

"And why the hell is that?!" Grimmjow exclaimed. With a sigh, Noitora took out his cell phone, tinkered around with it for a minute and showed a tiny picture of Byakuya pinning Ulquiorra to the ground. Along with it was a caption that read: "I bet us ladies are having more fun than you are."

"Oh for the love of-" Grimmjow muttered to himself as he immediately started to walk away. When the bartender tried to tell him to pay his tab, Grimmjow rammed his hand through his stomach and stormed outside of the building. To his surprise, he found the Bow Chika Wow Wow Ladies Club just across the street from his current location. With a scowl upon his face, he slammed through the two entrance doors. He was momentarily taken aback by the disturbing display of Ulquiorra and Byakuya fighting for control on the ground, but snapped out of it to find Orihime watching the action intently from the sidelines. Picking her up and slinging her under his shoulder, she gave a little yelp until she realized what was going on.

"Don't tell me you actually enjoy this stuff." Grimmjow muttered as he carried her out of the building.

"Well…uh…" Orihime mumbled, trying to figure out whether it was best to lie about it or tell the truth.

"Doesn't matter." Grimmjow said. "You'll enjoy tonight a whole lot more, I guarantee it." Orihime's face only grew more red as he silently (and quickly) carried her though the streets to their house.

----------

Hours later, Byakuya and Ulquiorra were still fighting for control in the mud pit. Although most of the women had gone home, because of how late it had gotten, Halibel was still around to spray the men with water and add more mud when she saw it necessary.

"There is no way I will let you win, so you might as well surrender now." Byakuya stated as he pinned Ulquiorra down with all he had. Ulquiorra, however, quickly reversed their positions as he tried to hold the man's body down with his own.

"I might say the same to you as well." Ulquiorra replied. The men kept switching positions, fighting in spite of their embarrassing situation, until both men finally passed out from exhaustion. At that point, all women, except for Halibel had left the area, since the spectacle was over with. In their place though, Noitora finally came into the club, looking for Halibel. Upon seeing Byakuya and Ulquiorra passed out next to each other in the mud, he gave a toothy grin.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Noitora asked.

"Put the two in compromising situations and take pictures, so we can blackmail the two later?" Halibel replied.

"Bingo." Noitora said as he pulled out a camera.

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Author's Comments

Sorry this one took so long to get out. . ;

I don't think I have anything to comment on in this chapter, so I'll go onto the preview of the next chapter! And those of you who think Stark isn't getting nearly enough action in this story will be happy!

In the next chapter of Worse Than Death, the Espada (and Orihime) find that Stark has the ability to predict the future, after he successfully warns Szayel Aporro of something completely horrifying in a dream he had. Realizing his potential, he warns the Espada (and a few others) of a fate he saw in his dreams, which brings bad news for everyone he warns. But will anyone be able to escape from his or her destined fate? Or will they only make it worse? Find out in the next chapter of Worse Than Death!


	6. Chapter 6

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Six

By Renegade Raine

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Two weeks later, it was another lively day at the Espada (and Orihime) house as Noitora walked around happily. Grimmjow's facial features were scrunched in a grumpy expression as his wife strolled around the house, trying to copy Noitora's walk.

"Ha, I told you all that our visit to the strip club would be the best ever!" Noitora exclaimed.

"Yeah, it would have been great, if it wasn't the WORST night ever." Grimmjow argued.

"Eh, you're just being a fucking baby about it." Noitora said with a shrug. "We got live porn, for god's sake!" In response, Grimmjow only smacked his head.

Meanwhile, Halibel looked unimpressed with Noitora, but cured her boredom by having Ulquiorra do random chores for her. If he refused, all he had to do was hold up a Polaroid snapshot up of him positioned beneath Byakuya's body, and he would instantly shut his mouth and quickly set out to do whatever errand Halibel told him to.

Elsewhere in the house, Stark had fallen into a deep sleep in front of Szayel Aporro's door, and the pink-haired Espada didn't look too happy about that. After giving Stark an impatient glare, he gave him a swift kick in the shin.

"Ow, what the fuck, dude?" Stark mumbled, after being disturbed from his slumber.

"You're in my way, I've got stuff I need to do." Szayel Aporro said.

"Okay, geez." Stark responded as he got up and stretched. Szayel Aporro was about to go in his room, when Stark suddenly remembered something.

"Oh hey, I wouldn't go in there if I were you." Stark spoke as Szayel Aporro touched his door handle.

"And why is that?" Szayel Aporro asked with a hint of impatience.

"Well…uh…I had this dream and…" Stark started to say, but was interrupted by a sigh from Szayel Aporro.

"Oh, I'm sure you did." Szayel said with an eye roll and opened the door.

"Okay…don't say I didn't warn you." Stark said weirdly and moved to the side of the door. Szayel Aporro briefly glanced over at Stark weirdly before opening the door. What he saw in his room didn't immediately comprehend in his mind, but once it did, he just stood in the doorway with a horrified glance. After about a minute, Szayel Aporro finally closed the door and put his back to it, as everyone in the house saw Szayel Expression #472, which could be best described as a mixture of confusion, intense fear, and disbelief.

"I…I don't know what the hell that was." Szayel finally spoke. "But from now on, you can bet that I'll be listening to you from now on. But right now, I need to do research to get that…thing out of my room!"

The rest of the house saw that exchange of words, and within seconds, they all rushed to Stark's side.

"Wait, so you're not fucking useless?" Grimmjow asked. "I'll be damned. So what do you see in the future for me?"

"Oooh! Do my fortune too!" Orihime exclaimed. "I love getting my fortune told! Tatsuki and I used to get our fortunes told all the time, but then the fortune teller lady got arrested for housing illegal immigrants and forcing them into a prostitution ring!"

"Heh, okay. It just so happens that I had a dream about both of you not too long ago anyways." Stark said with a lazy smile.

"Do I take over the world, with the help of Orihime's god defying powers?!" Grimmjow asked.

"Not quite." Stark replied.

"Will we both become giant robots who defend the world from evil?!" Orihime exclaimed, which caused Grimmjow to give her a weird look.

"Uh…no." Stark responded. "Actually, you two will bring eight children into the world together."

"EIGHT?!" Grimmjow exclaimed, with a look of complete horror on his face.

"I know, isn't it great?" Orihime said with a giggle, but then changed her expression to a more thoughtful one. "But I wonder if they'll be born with those skull thingies on their faces."

"Do any of them look like that bastard?" Grimmjow asked with a scowl on his face.

"How many times do I have to tell you? His name is Ichigo Kurosaki, not 'Bastard'." Orihime said with a pout.

"Tch. Like I give a shit." Grimmjow scoffed.

"Well, I don't remember what they all looked like, but I clearly remember a kid that had kind of blondish hair, but he clearly had a mullet like you, Grimmjow." Stark said.

"It's not a mullet, dammit!" Grimmjow protested.

"I don't remember much else, but I think you guys named him Demy, and he played a guitar-like thing. Oh, and he liked telling water to dance." Stark added.

"Oh, so maybe he's gonna be a musician! And he'll play on water! He'll be like a rocker Jesus!" Orihime exclaimed happily.

"Great, my son's gonna be a fuckin' pansy." Grimmjow grumbled, making sure his wife didn't hear him.

"How about me? Will I become a pimp and sleep with a bunch of chicks?" Noitora asked.

"No…but I guess there's a lot of sex in your future." Stark replied thoughtfully.

"Oh? With who?" Noitora asked eagerly.

"Halibel, of course." Stark said with a shrug.

"That's it?!" Noitora asked.

"What a surprise." Halibel said in a not at all surprised voice.

"Well I'm not completely sure, but you two are going to get married, so I'm guessing that's the case." Stark continued.

"…what?" Halibel said, looking none too pleased over the revelation.

"M-…married?" Noitora asked, not looking any more pleased than Halibel.

"Yep, you both heard correctly." Stark confirmed. "And it won't be a cheesy impulse wedding like Grimmjow's either. In fact, it looked like a pretty grand occasion."

"Hey, I was trying to win a bet, dammit!" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"No…" Halibel said in disbelief.

"It can't be true…" Noitora muttered.

"Anything but…" Halibel started. Noitora finished. Looking at each other, they gave a horrified look.

"Oh god, we can already finish each other's sentences!" Halibel muttered in terror.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but we can never have sex again!" Noitora exclaimed.

"Agreed." Halibel said.

"No wait…that's already like married life!" Noitora exclaimed.

"Hmm…you've got a point." Halibel replied. "Then it's settled. We'll go in Ulquiorra's room and not come out until we screw each other out of our systems to the point where we can't even look at each other anymore."

"That sounds like a hell of an idea!" Noitora said with a grin, and then followed Halibel into Ulquiorra's room.

"It took me forever to clean up after you two last time, I forbid you two to even enter my room." Ulquiorra droned, but the door had been locked and already the sounds of Noitora's man screams could be heard. At the sound, Grimmjow chuckled a little. Ulquiorra frowned a little and stepped back a little in order to kick the door down, but Stark put his hand out to stop him.

"Oh hey, I suppose you wanna know your future too?" Stark asked.

"I do not care for fortune telling, as it was purely coincidental that you 'predicted' what would happen to Szayel Aporro through a dream." Ulquiorra replied coldly.

"Well, I'll tell you anyways." Stark said. "If you keep living the way you do, you'll become fat. REALLY fat."

"When you say fat, do you mean slightly overweight or morbidly obese?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Oh trust me, the title of 'The Biggest Fat Ass in the World' will belong to you." Stark replied. "Seriously, you'll make children and some grown men cry just from them looking at you."

"I will not believe pure speculation." Ulquiorra stated. "However, I'm going on a run because I was planning on it anyways."

"Yeah, sure you were." Stark replied dubiously.

"Yeah, this has been great and all, but my wife and I are gonna go on a trip." Grimmjow said.

"Really? Where?!" Orihime asked.

"To the clinic. We're getting your tubes tied NOW." Grimmjow said with a scowl.

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Meanwhile, Szayel Aporro spent the next couple of hours in his makeshift laboratory he made in the basement of the house. Without taking a single break, he created an atom bomb. He knew that it wasn't very original, but at least it would get rid of that…thing in his room. Carrying it up the stairs, he saw Stark visiting with his good friend and landlord, Urahara.

"Hey, do you think that this will be enough to eliminate the threat in my room?" Szayel asked Stark.

"I don't know, lemma sleep on it." Stark replied. But before he could nod off, Urahara looked upon Szayel Aporro with a stern look.

"Oh, I'm sure it would work, but then you would destroy the house." Changing his expression from stern to a menacing grin, he continued. "And you wouldn't want to do that…right? 3"

"N-no." Szayel replied, trying to figure out a scientific reason why he could hear the heart in Urethra's speech. "Of course not. I'll go find another way."

"Now hold on a minute." Urahara said, adjusting his hat. "Stark told me all about your problem, and I think I have a solution for you."

"Oh?" Szayel Aporro responded.

"Here you go! 3" Urahara said cheerfully as he handed what looked like a piece of paper over to Szayel Aporro. Szayel Aporro looked over it briefly and threw it on the floor in disgust.

"That will only make the problem worse!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed.

"Okay, but I tried to help!" Urahara exclaimed with a shrug. As Szayel went back down the stairs to work on another project, Urahara turned toward Stark.

"So, I changed my mind. I totally want to hear my fortune! 3" Urahara said. "Will I continue to have the most lovely ladies gather at my house every night?"

"Yep, just as long as you keep the hat." Stark confirmed.

"Awesome!"

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Outside, Ulquiorra jogged through the town. He convinced himself that he was not running because of Stark's prediction, but rather because he was maintaining his current good figure. Although he was exhausted for running about four hours, he continued to push himself to run farther for some reason not connected to Stark's dream (or at least that's what he told himself).

As he ran though the downtown sidewalks of Karakura Town, Ulquiorra glanced briefly at a black limousine that he saw in the traffic, but only muttered how gaudy it was and continued to run. However, he soon saw a head, along with a very familiar looking hairpiece emerge from the sunroof.

"Hmph. It would figure that a hobo such as yourself would not be able to afford even the cheapest of transportation." Byakuya apathetically stated.

"I would rather be with no transportation than to ride in a gaudy vehicle such as that." Ulquiorra countered just as emotionlessly. "Although I suppose that it matches that atrocious looking thing in your hair."

"At least my body does not produce unattractive sweat in this vehicle." Byakuya droned. "The worst part is that your hair already looked greasy, and the sweat only makes it worse."

"In that case, at least I am getting exercise and will not grow obese." Ulquiorra said. "However, if you continue to ride in that trashy looking thing, your body will grow just as wide as the vehicle."

"Hmm. Resorting to that, are you?" Byakuya said with a quirk of his eyebrow. He then pulled himself on the top of the limousine and carefully jumped on the sidewalk next to Ulquiorra, all while not expressing a single emotion on his face. "Very well. I will show you that I am the superior being when it comes to physical shape."

"I see." Ulquiorra murmured. "Try to keep up then."

"I believe that is my line." Byakuya said as he sped ahead of him. Narrowing his eyes briefly, Ulquiorra pushed himself to a pace to keep up with him. At least now he had a reason to pin his reason on for going out to exercise. That, and there was no way that he would let that arrogant bastard beat him.

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Elsewhere, at the Kurosaki Clinic, Grimmjow looked irate as everyone else in the room tried to calm him down.

"What do you mean that you can't do the surgery?!" Grimmjow bellowed.

"Well, you see, Orihime-chan is too young for that surgery." Isshin tried to explain, but it only seemed to anger Grimmjow even more.

"I don't care! I don't want eight children, with one of them named Demy who dances with fucking water!" Grimmjow screamed.

"I think Demy is a cute name." Orihime said with a pout.

"It's a stupid name!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "You could at least add an X to the end of the name to make it look cool or something!"

"Fine, we'll do the surgery." Isshin said with a sigh. "Just quit arguing in my house."

"Alright, you wait here then, and we'll have your wife fixed in no time!" Isshin said to Grimmjow as he had Karin direct Orihime to a separate room. With a sigh, Orihime entered the room, but blinked when she saw that someone was already in the room.

"Inoue-san?" her orange-haired roommate said.

"Oh, hey Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime greeted.

"What's the meaning of this?" Ichigo asked his sister.

"Dad wants you to get her ready." Karin said in a deadpan voice.

"Ready for what?" Ichigo asked.

"He's gonna tie her tubes." Karin replied.

"What?!" Ichigo exclaimed.

In the waiting room, Grimmjow was getting impatient. Plus, Isshin's dopey face was starting to piss him off. Despite his warning, Grimmjow pushed past him and made his way to the room that Orihime was directed to. He eventually reached a door that he heard noises from, so he stopped to listen in.

"…Okay, now I'll need you to go behind here and take off your underwear-" he heard a familiar male voice say behind the door. Widening his eyes for a moment, his expression quickly turned to anger as he slammed the door open.

"What in the hell is going on here?!" Grimmjow yelled. When he saw Ichigo in the room, he looked even more furious. "You bastard!"

"It's Ichigo Kurosaki!" Orihime yelled from behind a curtain, to which Grimmjow only hissed at.

"What in the hell is your problem?" Ichigo said with furrowed brows.

"I take my wife to get her damned tubes tied, but here I find you trying to fuck her!" Grimmjow said in an incredulous tone. "That's my god damned problem!"

Before Ichigo could try to explain what was really going on, Grimmjow took out a vial of mace he started to keep on him and sprayed it at the "bastard". Ichigo ducked, but the stream still hit Karin's eyes. Instantly blinded, Karin tried to feel around the room until she fell out an open window and landed on top of the trailer of a large truck. Grabbing Orihime under his arm, he jumped out of the window and landed on the ground.

"Where are we going now?!" Orihime asked.

"Home. Like hell I'm going to let some bastard have his way with you!" Grimmjow exclaimed, still not understanding the process in having one's tubes tied. "I'd rather have eight little bastards running around than to have that one damned bastard touch you again."

"His name is-" Orihime started to say, but Grimmjow was already irritated enough.

"Can it."

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Back at the house, Szayel Aporro finally finished what he thought was the ultimate tool of getting rid of that atrocity in his room. In the span of eight hours, he created a liquid that would quickly dissolve anything that it was sprayed on, yet it would only work on the sprayed object, which meant that the house would not go down with it. Going up the stairs, he looked over at Stark.

"Will this be enough to get rid of it?" Szayel Aporro asked him. Before Stark could say anything, Szayel Aporro took out a blowgun and shot a tranquilizer dart at Stark's neck, instantly making him go asleep. A minute later, Szayel Aporro kicked him awake.

"Nope." Stark replied.

"Damn it." Szayel Aporro muttered as he went back downstairs to work on yet another project.

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It was now eleven o'clock at night, but yet Ulquiorra and Byakuya were still pushing themselves to be faster than each other. Although at this point, both had been going on for so long, that they were both going at a walking pace. Although he was worn out, Byakuya took a quick glance over at his rival, who looked even more exhausted than himself.

"It appears that you are near your limit." Byakuya noted. "Perhaps it would be best to declare the victory in my favor and admit that you will always be weaker than myself."

"Never. I'm nowhere near my limit." Ulquiorra responded, which was a complete lie. However, Ulquiorra saw his house approach and quickly constructed a plan. "However, I now see my humble abode, and I fear to see what the others have done in my absence. I must go and tend to other affairs. Farewell."

"It would figure that you would live in a house as dilapidated as this one." Byakuya commented, but Ulquiorra at this point was so worn out, that he didn't even look back in response.

"I have not declared defeat. We shall continue this competition tomorrow when we are both at full strength." Ulquiorra stated.

"Very well, I would be pleased to defeat you again." Byakuya replied with a slight turn of his lips before turning to walk away.

Going inside the house, Ulquiorra made his way to his room, but crashing and banging could still be heard throughout the whole house. Since he was too tired to care, he gave a scowl as he made his way to the door. Kicking it open, he didn't even bother to avert his eyes as he looked over at Noitora and Halibel, who finally stopped, as neither found the idea of Ulquiorra watching them to be hot in the least bit.

"Out. Both of you." Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"Yeah, yeah. Your room is too damned small anyways." Noitora said as he pulled up and zipped his pants. The both finished gathering their clothes and walked out of the room. Letting out a sigh, Ulquiorra went over to his bed that was a boring color of white and nearly laid down on it, but quickly realized that it probably wasn't the smartest idea. Grimacing in disgust, he pulled off all the sheets and fell asleep on the bare mattress.

Outside the room, Noitora and Halibel walked over to where Stark and Orihime played Super Smash Brothers Melee, while Grimmjow watched with an amused expression.

"Ha! You got beat by a girl again!" Grimmjow chuckled. "I don't know what's funnier that Link guy's man screams or Noitora's!"

Stark and Orihime laughed along, and even Halibel gave a slight grin at the comment. Noitora, however, looked off to the side with a scowl.

"Oh yeah, you guys are still gonna get married." Stark said.

"I figured as much." Halibel replied. "Ulquiorra interrupted us pretty early in the session."

"Early?" Orihime asked. "How long do they usually…you know?"

"A quickie to them is about a full day." Grimmjow explained.

"Yeah, we got gypped!" Noitora commented.

"Oh shut up, at least you're not going to have eight kids." Grimmjow said grumpily, causing him and Noitora to fight long enough to not notice Ulquiorra join them.

"It is hard to sleep with you imbeciles discussing your mindless drivel." Ulquiorra droned.

"Hey, I wanted to congratulate you!" Stark said.

"And why is that?" Ulquiorra asked.

"You're the only one so far that has managed to change their destiny!" Stark replied.

"So in your hypothesis, I will no longer be obese?" Ulquiorra inquired.

"Nope, you'll still be the skinny dude that you are now!" Stark remarked. "In fact, you will now be a figure of revolution!"

"Oh? Do go on." Ulquiorra said, trying to mask his pleased tone.

"Not only will you make a different in the afterlife, but you'll be the one of the two people to bridge the gap between Arrancar and Shinigami!" Stark replied, to which Ulquiorra frowned. He already did not like the sound of this. "Not only will you be part of the first gay marriage in the afterlife, you'll also be the first married Shinigami and Arrancar couple!"

"There's only one Shinigami I have met." Ulquiorra stated, and then uncharacteristically grew paler in horror. "But there is no way that I would ever marry that trash, Kurosaki."

"But doesn't he know Byakuya-san too?" Orihime whispered to Halibel.

"What he doesn't know can't hurt him." Halibel whispered back. "Besides, it will be amusing to see how this unfolds."

"HA! I think I have it now!" Szayel Aporro said as he ascended the stairs with a maniacal grin. "I'll just go in there and STAB it dead! And then when I stab it, I'll piss on it. And after I piss on it, I'll stab it again. And after that, I'll pour gas on it and light it on fire! And after the fire is put out, I'll eat the ashes myself!"

The others gave him a weird look as he laughed uncontrollably. Obviously the toll of him not getting any sort of sleep was affecting his lack of sanity. Shortly afterwards, Szayel Aporro shot Stark with a blowgun and kicked him awake a minute later.

"Yeah…that won't even come close to getting rid of it." Stark replied. Szayel Aporro blinked a couple of times before screaming out of frustration. Finally at his limit, Szayel stomped over to the piece of paper that Urahara had handed to him earlier and picked it up.

"I don't give a shit at this point!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed. "I'm crazy enough to try this!"

Stomping up to his room, the others looked over at Stark.

"His idea sounded good to me. Are you sure that your powers still work?" Grimmjow asked.

"Well…I'm not completely sure, but I'm pretty sure that they still do." Stark replied.

"Then tell us another dream that you saw." Halibel suggested.

"Well, there was this girl with black hair…I think her name started with a K and she had a red baseball cap on…"

"Karin?!" Orihime suggested.

"Yeah! That's the name!" Stark exclaimed. "Anyways, she'll get sucked up in some weird warp thing and land up in a land full of ninjas. Not knowing what to do, she'll be raised by some guy that looks suspiciously like Noitora…except that he doesn't have an eye patch. Since her eyesight will be bad, for some reason, she'll have red eyes and need to get glasses. Then when she gets older, she'll grow her hair out and dye it red. And then she'll become a bitchy hussy who will constantly hit on the guy that kills the person that raised her."

After the long explanation, even Orihime looked at him doubtfully.

"He's broken." Halibel commented.

"Thank god, we're not getting married!" Noitora said happily.

"And I won't have to deal with eight different brats anymore!" Grimmjow said as cheerfully.

"Aww…" Orihime sighed with a slight frown. "And I thought that Demy X would be a cool robot-like name for our first son."

Meanwhile, Szayel Aporro finally made his way to his room and slammed the door open. He scowled as he saw that both Loli and Menoli were still in his room giggling. They then held up a picture.

"Look!" Loli cried out. "We made you another picture with your brother while you were gone!"

Menoli held up the picture of Szayel Aporro and Ill Forte drawn into several different positions. Disgusted, Szayel help up the piece of paper.

"Fine, I'll do it your way. You show me a picture and I'll show YOU a picture!" Szayel Aporro said. Looking at the picture, Loli and Menoli were instantly intrigued.

"Is that…Ulquiorra?" Menoli asked.

"I think so!" Loli said. "But who's that other guy?"

"I don't know…but he's pretty hot!" Menoli responded. "You know what this means?"

"We are totally making a doujinshi out of this!" Loli exclaimed. "Besides, Szayel's a total nerd, and doujinshi of him with his prettier brother would never sell! But this…this is going to make us famous!"

"Okay, we'll make a deal with you." Menoli finally said, turning to Szayel Aporro. "If you give us that picture for reference purposes for our new doujinshi project, we will never draw a picture of you with your brother ever again."

"Deal." Szayel Aporro said as he handed the picture over to the two Arrancar girls. With a smile, they both tore up every picture they had of him and left the room. Sighing a breath of relief, Szayel Aporro stepped outside of his room to go over to Stark. "Thanks…without you, I would have never been able to get rid of that horror."

"No problem." Stark responded.

"Now, I think I'm gonna step outside quick for a breath of air." Szayel Aporro said, as he headed towards the front door.

"Uh…I wouldn't do that, if I were you." Stark warned. Heeding his warning, Szayel Aporro stopped dead in his tracks. However, Noitora was still in the room.

"Forget about it, he lost his power." Noitora commented. "He's just a hack now."

"Ah, in that case, I'm out of here." Szayel Aporro said in relief as he opened the front door. On the front step though, he found that Cirucci was about to ring the bell.

"Well, well…if it isn't my favorite little whore." Szayel Aporro said in a mocking tone. "You picked one hell of a time to come over."

"Idiot, I'm not here for that." Cirucci responded with the usual scowl on her face.

"What is it now?" Szayel Aporro said with a groan. Staring at him, Cirucci dug something out of her pocket and placed it in his hand. Szayel Aporro looked down at the device, which had a blue plus sign on it.

"I'm pregnant." Cirucci stated. Szayel Aporro stared at Cirucci for nearly a whole minute before he went in the house and shut the door. Leaning against the door, he looked even more horrified than before.

"I am never leaving the house again." Szayel Aporro declared wide-eyed.

----------

In an unknown location, Karin Kurosaki had rolled off the large truck onto the hard ground. After she recovered, she found that she still could barely see. Rubbing her irritated eyes, she attempted to find her way home. Eventually, she saw a light, and continued to walk toward it until she swore that she walked directly through it.

A feeling of dread festered in her gut as she saw the world around her grow dark for a split second. Her bad feeling was confirmed as soon as she saw herself within a deep forest. Wandering around, she finally came across a walking figure.

"Excuse me, sir!" Karin called out, which caused the stranger to stop and approach her. "Could you tell me where I am?"

"Odd…this child is dressed in a far different matter than I have ever seen." The stranger noted to himself. "To answer your question, you are close to my Sound Village."

"Sound Village?" Karin asked. "I've never even heard of that place!"

"Well, I don't blame you, I just established it recently." He replied. "Where are you from?"

"Karakura Town." Karin replied.

"Hmm…I never heard of that village before." The man noted. "However, if even I have not heard of it, then it's obviously a weak village. Come with me, and I can make you more powerful than you could ever dream of."

"Looks like I have no choice." Karin muttered to herself. "Okay, I'll go with you."

"Excellent, then you should know that my name is Orochimaru." The man said. "What is your name?"

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Author's Comments

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I'm sure there will be a few confused people after this chapter. For those of you confused by the last part, I took it directly from Naruto, as there's also a character named Karin in that series too. XD

As for the Demy/Demy X thing, that was inspired when I attempted to draw what a Grimmjow/Orihime son would look like on a post-it at work while I was bored. Since I only had a pen, I screwed up on it pretty badly, and found that the son looked a whole lot like Demyx from Kingdom Hearts 2. Google him, he actually looks like he could be the product of Grimmjow and Orihime. XD

I've had a couple people ask if certain Arrancars will appear, so here's my answer…

Yammy – I'm not really sure what to do with him, so until he actually does something halfway interesting in the manga (aside from bashing that one lady), he'll stay as a side character at Hueco Mundo.

Aaroniero – Dead. I won't rule out the possibility of him coming back in zombie form though. XD

Wonderwice – He'll probably appear again. He probably won't permanently move in with the Espada (and Orihime) gang, but I still see possibilities with him.

Dordonni – Actually, I found a way to use him. He might appear as early as the next chapter, but maybe not. Either way, he WILL appear as a side character.

Nell – No one actually asked about her (that I remember), but I can see it in the future. Definite yes. Not sure when though. And yes, Peshe and THE DON would appear with her too.

The other Espada – No one asked about them, but depending on how their personalities turn out, there's a possibility that I'll have them banished to the real world too. Both have potential, but I don't know enough about either to decide yet.

Anyways, onto the preview! In the next chapter of Worse Than Death, Aizen becomes sentimental when Gin reminds him that Father's Day is coming up. Feeling nostalgic, he goes to the real world to visit his "children" to see if they improved enough to come back home to Hueco Mundo. Will the Espada shape up in time to redeem themselves and return back to the place they know as home? Or will they all fail and be stuck in the real world for an even longer time? Find out in the next chapter of Worse Than Death!


	7. Chapter 7

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Seven

By Renegade Raine

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Sitting at the end of a long and empty table, Aizen closed his eyes as he enjoyed his urine-free Earl Grey tea. It had been a little hard to get used to complete silence during his tea breaks, as the three Espada that he hadn't kicked out were pretty quiet compared to most of the others. However, he found that the amounts of migraines he regularly encountered during the day with all of his Espada around had significantly dropped since he banished seven of them from Hueco Mundo. He was not able to enjoy his moment of peace for too long though as he heard Gin enter the room.

"Heya Aizen." Gin said with a wave as he walked over to Aizen. Aizen responded by giving a slight smirk and a nod of his head. "So I was wonderin' what yer gonna do tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Aizen asked. "Probably just create a few more arrancar to add to my army. Why do you ask?"

"Because it's Father's Day tomorrow, you know." Gin mused, widening his grin.

"Why should that concern me?" Aizen asked, raising a brow. "It's not like I have any children or a father for that matter."

"Are ya so heartless that ye don't consider your arrancar your own children?" Gin asked with a cock of his head. The suggestion made Aizen feel nostalgic as he remembered when all of his Espada were just little arrancar babies. Ulquiorra, of course, was a perfect child and never cried. Stark was also a complete angel, as he slept constantly, although Aizen wished that his narcolepsy wasn't still evident in the present. Halibel was also a favorite of his as she was the one who could effectively keep everyone in line, although most of her attention was focused on Noitora, because he would try to take her diaper off constantly, only to be bonked with a rattle in the face. Szayel-Aporro showed the most impressive growth when it came to his learning rate. However, he had a horrible biting habit that took forever to curb (although apparently he hadn't COMPLETELY curbed it after all). Grimmjow was a complete demon, as nothing seemed to ever satisfy him, and he destroyed far more merchandise than all of the other arrancars put together. To be honest to himself, Aizen still wasn't sure why he didn't just get rid of Grimmjow while he was still young.

"Alright, I guess I see your point." Aizen finally commented.

"And since you're the father, I reckon that makes me the m-" Gin started to say, but shut his mouth when he saw Aizen glaring at him with intense hatred.

"I swear, if you finish that sentence, I'll cut you down this very instant." Aizen growled, but then sighed and leaned back in his chair. "Besides, Tousen is more of the mom than you are. You're more like the creepy uncle that no one wants to talk to."

"I'll have you know that Luppi and I-" Gin tried to protest, but was cut off by Aizen again.

"Nobody liked Luppi. That's probably why you two got along so well." Aizen said. "But anyways, I think I shall go into the real world to see if my Espada have progressed at all."

"C'mon, just admit that ya miss the little bastards." Gin said with a grin. Before Aizen could groan in response, the sound of Tousen's footsteps echoed in the room as he walked over to Aizen's side.

"Aizen…for obvious reasons, I can not tell you what is in this book, but it appears that two of your arrancar are distributing it throughout the entire Los Noches establishment. Normally, I would not care, but Wonderwice apparently got his hands on a copy, and was forced to confiscate it once he filled the halls with his screeching." Tousen informed as he dropped a magazine sized material in front of Aizen.

Narrowing his eyes, Aizen scanned the cover, already not liking it as the title said I The Passion of Two Worlds /I and if Aizen wasn't mistaken, he was sure that one of the two males was his very own Cuatro Espada, Ulquiorra, was on the floor with another male positioned over him that struck an uncanny resemblance to Byakuya Kuchiki. He knew he shouldn't have continued from that point, but he had to know why a male strongly resembling Ulquiorra would be on the cover of that particular book. Although there were around fifty pages in the epic doujinshi, Aizen managed to read through about a dozen of them until the stoic male in which Aizen swore was Byakuya had the Ulquiorra look-a-like blushing as the other man put his hands on a part of Ulquiorra that Aizen NEVER wanted to see in his existence. Ignoring the weird glances from everyone else around the table, Aizen quickly burned the doujinshi with a kidou spell of his and stood up in disgust. He didn't know if what he had just looked at was based on fact or if whoever made the repulsive thing was just really sexually depraved, but Aizen was going to get to the bottom of it.

"I'm going to the real world." Aizen stated. "Tousen, I'm leaving you in charge. Make sure that Gin doesn't destroy the place."

"Understood." Tousen affirmed. Aizen then created himself a portal and stepped through. Gin and Tousen walked him leave, but after Aizen went through the portal, Gin turned to Tousen.

"Can I call you mother?" Gin asked.

"No." Tousen answered, already not liking the situation he was put in.

----------

Meanwhile, at the Espada (and Orihime) house, Stark walked into the living room looking rather drowsy as he just woke from one of his numerous naps of the day. On that particular day, Orihime and the rest of the Espada (aside from Ulquiorra, who happened to be absent at the present moment) sat around in the room as they all took turns playing Resident Evil 4. Well, nearly everyone as Grimmjow threw a fit when his game would be over when he killed the annoying Ashley character that you were supposed to be alive. After Orihime finally calmed him down, everyone else had banned him from playing the game. Szayel Aporro didn't seem interested in playing either, as putting himself under house arrest seemed to take a toll on his already diminishing sanity. Instead, he just went into a fit of laughter every time anything was killed in the game.

The sound of a door slamming open, followed by footsteps going down the stairs was heard, although everyone chose to ignore it. Finally making his way into the room, Ulquiorra threw a blanket on Noitora. Making a face, Noitora pushed the blanket off of him onto the floor.

"What the hell?" Noitora exclaimed. "This blanket is all sticky!"

"It should not bother you." Ulquiorra said. "After all, I think you two know very well of what kind of vile things you did on my bed the night before."

"Halibel, go clean the sheets for our comrade." Noitora ordered, but when he was met with only a glare from the dark-skinned Espada, he gritted his teeth and faced Ulquiorra. "Screw you, go clean the sheets yourself!"

"No." Ulquiorra replied, which thus led to an argument between the two. In the meantime, Orihime had finished her turn in Resident Evil 4 and gave the controller to Stark. Taking a seat over by her husband, Orihime gave him a small smile before turning her head to watch Stark's progress in the game. Orihime sensed Grimmjow move, but was surprised when she felt his arm go around her shoulders. Moments later, she leaned slightly on him as both continued to watch Stark play the game.

Outside, unknown to all of them, Aizen had sensed their reiatsu, and in turn had found the house that they all resided in. However, Aizen found it curious that he sensed another familiar reiatsu residing in a tent on the front yard. Cautiously making his way toward it, he slowly opened the tent door to be surprised.

"Cirucci? I thought you were dead?" Aizen asked. Cirucci gave a melancholy look before speaking.

"I was, but that pink-headed bastard put me back together. And put this god forsaken thing inside of me." Cirucci grumbled.

"Thing inside you?" Aizen asked.

"I'm pregnant, and I'm not coming out until my baby daddy acknowledges what he did!" Cirucci commented. Upon hearing her revelation, Aizen furrowed an eyebrow. It was just another thing to block out of his memory, along with the first time his arrancar learned to swear, when his arrancar learned to kiss, and then when his arrancar learned all there was to know about the birds and the bees. And now, apparently his arrancar could get pregnant.

"You're banned from Hueco Mundo. For life. The last thing I need is another one of you running around whoring it up and making yet more babies." Aizen said, causing Cirucci to look at him in horror.

"But what about Szayel Aporro?!" Cirucci asked.

"I'll deal with him." Aizen mumbled as he backed away from the tent and opened the door to the house. To his horror, Ulquiorra, Noitora, and Halibel were in the middle of a heated argument, Stark was playing some sort of video game, with Szayel Aporro laughing manically every couple of seconds, and he swore he saw Grimmjow's arm around a female that seemed awfully familiar. Cock Slayer saw him enter, and pounced in an attempt to obliterate the part he was named for slaying, but Aizen just smacked it away. Aside from the cat though, no one acknowledged his presence. So after a couple of minutes, he leaked just a little bit of his reiatsu out to freeze all of his Espada in place.

"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit…" Stark thought to himself as he felt that he was paralyzed, and could do nothing to stop the zombies that were attacking him. Finally, after a couple of minutes, Orihime turned around to see exactly who it was behind them.

"Oh, hi Aizen!" Orihime greeted cheerfully. Upon hearing his name, all of the Espada started panicking in their place.

"Fuck." Stark thought to himself, as he realized that the video game was the last thing he should be worrying about at that point. Glancing over at Orihime, Aizen instantly looked more pleased than he had been a minute before.

"So you guys got Orihime back already? I'm impressed." Aizen commented.

"Yeah, Grimmjow and I, we got-" Orihime tried to explain, but Grimmjow put a hand over her mouth before she could say the last word.

"Don't say it!" Grimmjow said through gritted teeth. Tilting his head a little, Aizen narrowed his eyes.

"Don't say what?" Aizen asked.

"We got married!" Orihime finished, pulling her head away from Grimmjow's hand.

"…what?" Aizen said, trying to comprehend the very thought of Grimmjow getting married to Orihime of all people. In fact, the thought of Grimmjow getting married at all sent shivers down his spine. Glancing at him nervously, Grimmjow quickly came up with an explanation.

"I married her because it was the only way to capture her!" Grimmjow blurted out. Hurt, Orihime looked over at him.

"Is that so?" Orihime said sorrowfully, and took off up the stairs to gather her belongings. Looking even more panicked, Grimmjow contemplated on what he should do. Finally, he started to get up from the couch to follow her to try to explain himself, but Noitora stopped him.

"Just let her be. You'll only make her more mad if you try to explain yourself now." Noitora said, intending to mess up Grimmjow's relationship, so he could get with Orihime later. Although what he didn't know was that there was actually some truth in what he said.

Minutes later, Orihime left the house, without bothering to say goodbye to anyone. If he weren't so dumbfounded by the whole scene in front of him, Aizen might have tried to stop the girl, but he was too far into the state of disbelief to do anything. Grimmjow too sat in disbelief for a couple of moments, before punching a hole in the wall and stomping upstairs to go vent in his room.

Aizen blinked a couple of times, and then went to sit in the middle of Stark and Szayel Aporro. Aizen watched as Stark played the game, disturbed by the fact that he could actually understand everything that the Spanish zombies in the game were saying. But when Stark killed one moments later, Aizen had to cover his ears as Szayel Aporro started laughing. Just when Szayel was starting to recover, Stark killed another zombie, causing him to laugh, and this time nearly deafening Aizen, as he didn't cover his ears that time.

"Would you stop the game for a while?" Aizen finally said with an irate tone in this voice. "I need to talk to Szayel."

"Oh. Sure." Stark replied, but still killed one last zombie, as he found Aizen's face amusing. The amusement, however, was not mutual on Aizen's side as he glared at Stark, before looking back over his Octava Espada.

"Is it true that you impregnated Cirucci?" Aizen asked.

"Impregnated? As in having a baby?" Szayel Aporro asked. Then grinning madly, he continued. "In that case, can I eat it?"

"Uh…" Aizen managed out, not knowing what to say of Szayel Aporro's obvious deteriorating state.

"Cirucci is a good whore." Szayel Aporro said. "Have you ever had her?"

"No, I'm not the type to do…that with another species." Aizen explained.

"Too bad, maybe you wouldn't be such an uppity ass if you got some every once in a while." Szayel Aporro spat out before Stark could reach over to shut him up.

Aizen, however, only glared at both of them before getting up off of the couch, only to see Noitora make yet another lewd comment to Halibel. He was about to sigh, but was relieved when Halibel pinned him against the wall in a chokehold. For a moment, he thought that maybe Halibel had redeemed herself enough to go back to Hueco Mundo, but the thought was instantly ripped out of his mind when he saw the both of them making out not long after that. Clenching his teeth, Aizen then made his way toward the door, but Ulquiorra stepped in front of him.

"Aizen-sama…would you like to go get some tea? I know a good place." Ulquiorra suggested.

"Yes, that sounds wonderful right about now." Aizen commented, remembering that Ulquiorra was one of his better Espada, and had to clear something up with him anyways. "Lead the way."

----------

Feeling the need to gloat, Noitora made his way upstairs, to rub it in Grimmjow's face that Orihime left him and that he was going to sleep with her and claim her for himself. As he got upstairs, he heard intense guitar playing. Figuring that Grimmjow was listening to metal music to vent, Noitora pushed the door open to be surprised that it was actually Grimmjow playing the music.

"When the hell did you learn to play the guitar?" Noitora asked. Grimmjow put his guitar down and wrote something on a piece of paper before responding to him.

"Think about it. My release command is 'Grind', which is sometimes used in reference to guitar playing. Then my zanpakuto's name is Pantera, which is also the name of a heavy metal band. And to top it all off, when I release, I turn into an 80's rocker. Really, my guitar playing shouldn't be that damned surprising." Grimmjow explained. Noitora was instantly reminded of Stark's prediction of Grimmjow having a child that plays guitar and tells water to dance, but he said nothing of it, as he was curious about what Grimmjow wrote down.

"What are you writing down anyways?" Noitora asked.

"A song." Grimmjow answered, and wrote a few more lyrics down. Noitora laughed at that point, as Grimmjow was showing all the stereotypical tendencies of an emo person after their girlfriend left them, which was about the last thing he expected from the blue-haired Espada.

"Lemme see that, you emo bastard!" Noitora said with a laugh as he grabbed the piece of paper that Grimmjow was writing on. Looking at the lyrics with his one good eye, Noitora looked horrified. "I'm going to slay the children of the earth and unleash the hellhounds on the elderly?"

"Is it too emo?" Grimmjow asked. Noitora looked at him horrified, which was saying something in itself. Realizing just how scary his roommate was, Noitora discovered that there was only one way to stop it.

"I'm going to help you get back together with Orihime." Noitora muttered as he left the room.

"Really? It's that bad?" Grimmjow asked, but Noitora was already out of the room. "I guess I'm losing my touch."

----------

Finally reaching the teahouse, Aizen ordered at the register. Realizing that it was his one chance to set him apart from the rest of the Espada, Ulquiorra decided to go back in the prepared tearoom to make sure that the tea was just right. However, once he went back in the room, he was horrified to see Byakuya preparing the tea, although he somehow managed to not show any expression on his face.

"I will make the tea." Ulquiorra stated. Recognizing the voice to be his rival in boring hate, Byakuya didn't bother to turn around as he finished the preparations of the tea.

"As if you could make better tea than me." Byakuya commented. "You can even try for yourself."

"I am sure that if you are any indicator, that tea will taste like trash." Ulquiorra said as he picked up a cup and filled it with just a little bit of the liquid from the pot. He immediately wanted to spit back out, but he was far too dignified to do that. "This tea is salty."

"You are only saying that, because you are obviously bitter that my tea is superior to yours." Byakuya countered.

"No, your tea really is salty, try some." Ulquiorra said as he offered the cup he drank out of to Byakuya. But he just turned his head away.

"No, I'm far too sophisticated to drink from a cup that has been contaminated by lips as vile as yours." Byakuya argued. Since the approval of Aizen was on the line, Ulquiorra was desperate. So he took the teacup and tried to force Byakuya to drink it. However, he wrestled back and soon the tea was spilt on the floor as Byakuya wrestled the shorter man onto the ground.

Aizen, in the meantime had noticed that it was taking Ulquiorra quite a long time to finish the preparations in the tearoom, so he finally entered. But once he went through the double doors, what he saw horrified him more than anything he had actually seen with his own two eyes in his entire life. His Cuatro Espada lied on the ground while a man that he knew for sure was the Sixth Division captain hovered on top of him, holding his hands down to the ground. If he wasn't mistaken, he could swear that his subordinate was also slightly blushing. Instantly reminded of the images he had seen in the doujinshi at Hueco Mundo, Aizen let out his frustration by smacking his head with a hand.

"A-Aizen-sama?" Ulquiorra stuttered, just now realizing that he had entered.

"I had thought that if I sent you all down here, that maybe you would all see how miserable it is in this world, that you would all shape up. But no! Szayel Aporro got a Privaron pregnant and needs to be admitted to a mental clinic, Stark is an arrogant jerk who's still lazy, Noitora and Halibel have no concept of restraint, Grimmjow got married, and to top it off, you're fraternizing with a Shinigami!" Aizen vented.

"Shinigami?" Ulquiorra asked, and looked over at Byakuya who had since gotten up and stared intently at Aizen.

"Aizen Sousuke, I have been ordered to dispatch you on sight." Byakuya informed.

"My day has been bad enough." Aizen said with a groan, and then created a portal for himself. "None of you bastards are coming back home for a long time, you can count on that."

Aizen disappeared shortly after, and Byakuya and Ulquiorra were left to stare at each other.

"So…who are you really?" Byakuya finally asked. Ulquiorra hesitated, but figured he might as well tell at this point.

"Ulquiorra Schiffer, Cuatro Espada." Ulquiorra responded. "And yourself?"

"Byakuya Kuchiki, captain of the Sixth Division of Soul Society." The two continued to stare at each other, not knowing what they should do next. They knew that they should fight each other, but yet, neither of them had the capability to do so at that moment.

"You know if I ever get my powers back, I will have no choice but to kill you." Ulquiorra finally spoke.

"The same goes for me as well." Byakuya deadpanned. "From now on, our rivalry will be more intense."

"Indeed." Ulquiorra said. With that, the two went separate ways, and Ulquiorra convinced himself that he did not blush, his face was only flushed from the heat the room generated. But yet, he looked forward to the next time he and Byakuya would meet, for a reason he convinced himself was all about their rivalry, and nothing else.

----------

Elsewhere, Grimmjow grumbled as he walked down a street downtown. Noitora had sworn to help him and Orihime get back together, but all the plan had apparently consisted of was walking to the area that Noitora had figured out that she was in after doing extensive stalking. After he had reached the front of a chocolate shop, Grimmjow chose not to go inside, but to instead wait for her to come outside.

As she opened the door though, rain instantly poured down from the sky. Both Grimmjow and Orihime were so surprised that they didn't notice each other at first. But once the shock wore down, both looked straight ahead and saw one another. Orihime looked surprised at first, but instantly changed into a huffy expression and started walking away. Grimmjow quickened his pace and grabbed her hand.

"Wait!" he called out, but Orihime pulled her hand away and continued to walk forward.

"You only want me back to capture me." Orihime muttered. "But I'm no toy, I won't go back with you to that awful place!"

"That's not true." Grimmjow called out, causing Orihime to stop. "That's not why I married you."

"Then why…why is it that you married me?" Orihime asked as she turned around. "And why couldn't you say it in from of Aizen?"

"Well, I was afraid of what Aizen would do to me." Grimmjow explained. "And to be honest, the real reason I married you was because Noitora and I had a bet about which one of us could sleep with a woman first."

"I see." Orihime said, looking very unimpressed with the answer. As she continued down the street, Grimmjow just realized how awful the statement was that just came out of his mouth. Letting out a sigh, he looked down at the wet sidewalk.

"Don't leave." Grimmjow said in a defeated voice. Although he only said two words, the tone was enough to stop Orihime in her tracks. She had known Grimmjow for some time now, but never had she heard him beg like that. Turning around again, she gave Grimmjow a sympathetic look.

"Alright. I'll go back with you." Orihime said. "But only if you say it."

"Say what?" Grimmjow asked. Orihime gave him a depressed look before looking at the ground.

"Say that you love me." Orihime said in a quiet voice. Grimmjow groaned, because it was not his style in the least bit. He was a master of showing his affection in the bedroom, but he wasn't so suave anywhere else. After he didn't respond for a few seconds, Orihime sighed and turned to leave yet again. Realizing he didn't have any other choice, Grimmjow put his hands on her shoulders to hold her in place. Bringing his lips close to her ears, he whispered exactly what she wanted to hear.

Turning around one final time, Orihime turned around to see if Grimmjow really meant what he said. He only looked down at her before picking her chin up to kiss her in the rain. When they parted, Orihime gently grabbed onto Grimmjow's hand. Again, it wasn't Grimmjow's style, but he chose not to mind it as the two started heading toward their home.

"So…what did you do when I was gone?" Orihime asked.

"I wrote some songs…I even entered some music competition. I could become a rock star if I win." Grimmjow replied.

"Oh! That would be so cool!" Orihime exclaimed as she happily walked beside him.

Emerging out of the corner, Noitora praised himself for a job well done. He had watched eighty cheesy romance flicks, and from there had managed to figure out how to get Orihime and Grimmjow back in the most romantically cliché way possible through watching the weather channel to know when the next downpour would be, figuring out the timing of Grimmjow's walk to a science, and extensively stalking Orihime to know exactly what her schedule was.

Orihime wasn't the only person he stalked though. Glancing over at the nearest clothing shop, Halibel emerged with a bag in each hand. Grinning before executing his plan, Noitora made his way over to her.

"Noitora…what are you doing here?" Halibel asked, with a bit of genuine surprise.

"The way we've been living, it's not right." Noitora started, making it sound as dramatic as possible.

"Well yeah, that's a given." Halibel replied.

"I haven't been treating you right." Noitora continued. "But I've come to a realization."

"Okay…" Halibel said in a weird tone. Grabbing onto her shoulders and bringing her closer to his body, Noitora picked Halibel's chin up and looked down at her in the most melancholy face that he could muster.

"I can't live without you." Noitora said perhaps a little too dramatically. "I want you to be mine forever."

When Halibel didn't say anything in response, Noitora brought his face down to kiss her. However, he was met with a slap to the face. Dejected, Noitora noted to himself that cheesy movie clichés didn't work on Halibel as he found himself carrying both of her bags all the way back home.

----------

Back at the house in which Stark dubbed the SHOGUNS house (he noted that if you take all the first letters of everyone's name in the house, that it was what it spelled), Stark had since moved onto Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. However, he chose not to follow the missions, as he was amused that Szayel Aporro laughed gleefully every time he killed a hooker by beating them to death with a dildo. But after a while, Stark had to finally say the thing that had been on his mind all day.

"Dude…you so need to go outside more often." Stark said to the pink-haired man beside him. Szayel Aporro almost laughed at the statement, but then realized what he said. Instead, he sunk to the ground as he went into a crying fit.

"I can't! That thing is outside!" Szayel Aporro sobbed. "My life will be over!"

"Because of a kid?" Stark asked. "I think you're being just a little paranoid."

"My reputation will be ruined!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed. "And Cirucci is such a whore that she's probably bothering me because I have the intellectual scientist thing going on!"

"Geez, why not just drag the chick to the Maury Show after she has the kid, and you can find out for sure if the little kid is yours." Stark suggested.

"You know…that's not a bad idea." Szayel Aporro said. "And in the meantime I can get the whore off the lawn and when she has the little brat, I can finally prove that the kid isn't mine!"

"So yeah…go outside now." Stark said.

"Yeah, I think I finally can." Szayel Aporro said as he went to go tell Cirucci of the stipulation of waiting until the child was born and having a paternity test on the Maury Show. Although what Szayel Aporro didn't know was that Stark thought that the Maury Show was the most awesomely bad show ever and only wanted his comrade to go on the show so that he could laugh at him.

----------

Finally returning back to Hueco Mundo, Aizen breathed a sigh of relief to know that he was back in a place that wasn't as bad as the Espada that he had long since exiled from the dimension. As soon as he entered Los Noches though, he immediately sensed that something was horribly wrong.

His suspicions were confirmed soon after as he saw Tousen running through the halls with his hands on his crotch chasing after a laughing Gin. Seeing that Tesla was nearby, Aizen demanded to know exactly what was going on.

"Well…from what I hear, Gin put itchy powder in Tousen's trousers while he slept, but then also applied super glue to his hands as well. So therefore, Tousen has had his hands stuck to his groin the whole time while trying to capture Gin." Tesla explained.

"Get back here!" Tousen exclaimed. "Justice will be served…on your ass!"

"Now, now mother, you shouldn't speak like that." Gin provoked. Upon watching his two most trusted people in Hueco Mundo running down the halls, Aizen again slapped his palm against his forehead.

"God I hate my life." He muttered while trying to figure out how he was going to straighten up this mess.

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Author's Comments

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Sorry for the delay in this chapter, but I had a bit of a writer's block. I already knew what I was going to do with Ulquiorra and Byakuya, but wasn't sure what to do with anyone else. And then I see Grimmjow's release, which as I mentioned looks like an 80's rocker (not that I have anything against 80's rockers, in fact, some of them were kind of hot back in the day), and that his sword's name is PANTERA. XDDDD

Thanks to that, I also know what to do in the next chapter, which is going to be WICKED fun to write. And for the record, I had originally intended Ulquiorra and Byakuya to have a platonic rivalry, but somehow it evolved to something completely different. . ;

Anyways, in the next chapter of Worse Than Death, Grimmjow gets a call that dramatically changes his life. A record company heard his songs and offers him a contract deal! Soon afterwards, he finds himself thrown in the middle of the rock and roll world. Will Grimmjow (and Orihime for that matter) be able to handle his manager's demands, the groupies, the tabloids, and the fame that his new profession will bring him or will he just crash and burn? Find out in the next chapter of Worse Than Death!


	8. Chapter 8

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Eight

By Renegade Raine

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Opening her eyes, Orihime looked around the room as her eyes adjusted to the light. While waiting for her body to fully awaken, she considered all the possibilities that she could do for the day. She hadn't spent much time with Tatsuki lately, so she could call her up today and see what she was up to. Or there was also the possibility of making her favorite new food dish of macaroni noodles topped with taco sauce and red pepper. She thought about offering some to Grimmjow, but knowing him, he'd probably take a look at it and never acknowledge its existence ever again.

Stretching out her arms, Orihime gave a slight smile as she looked over at Grimmjow sprawled out across the bed. He was a major bed hog, but it didn't matter to Orihime, as she usually fell asleep with her head on his body anyways. As she attempted to roll over off the bed though, Grimmjow shifted his position, which trapped Orihime under an arm of his. Orihime didn't want to wake him up, so she attempted to slowly slide under his arm. She didn't get to far though before Grimmjow shifted his position again.

"Stay." He mumbled, struggling to open his eyes. Looking back toward him, Orihime watched him lazily open his eyes. His hair was a complete mess, as only certain sections were still spiked up from the hair gel he put in the day before and his eye liner was smudged a little, but Orihime still noted to herself how hot he looked at that moment. Although most of it probably had to do with the fact that he preferred to sleep naked.

Crawling back up on the bed, Orihime returned to her position beside her husband. Grimmjow reached over and pulled her closer for a kiss. After a couple of minutes of making out, he put a hand on her rear to push her in a position over him. And then he let out a groan of frustration as his cell phone started to ring, but chose to ignore it as he slid a hand on the small of Orihime's back. She seemed to like it, but at the same time had that look that indicated that something was bothering her.

"Don't you think you should answer the phone?" Orihime asked. "It might be important!"

"Just ignore it." Grimmjow said huskily, as his hands trailed down to the bottom of Orihime's nightshirt (despite the fact that he tried to convince her to sleep naked too) and began to slide it up. "If it's so damned important, they'll call back."

That answer didn't seem to please Orihime though (although everything else he was doing certainly did), so finally she got up off of Grimmjow and answered the cell phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, is Grimmjow Jeagerjaques there?" a male voice asked.

"Yep, just a second!" Orihime said cheerfully as she handed the phone over. Scowling, Grimmjow took the phone and brought it to his ear.

"It's nine o'fucking clock in the morning and I was about to get laid. This better be pretty god damned important." Grimmjow grumpily answered.

"Perfect! You already have the rock star mentality!" the male voice exclaimed.

"I swear to god I'm going to kill you if you don't get to the point." Grimmjow growled.

"Right, right." The voice said in an apologetic tone. "I reviewed the demo tape that you sent us, and I think you'd be perfect for our label. Honestly, that was some of the most hateful stuff I've ever heard in music in my whole career. People will love it!"

"Wait…so you're actually willing to sign me under your label?" Grimmjow asked in a dubious tone. "Every where else I sent my demo tapes, I got sued because people either committed suicide out of sheer terror or just had a heart attack."

"Of course! That's the kind of publicity that makes a superstar!" the record producer explained. "We'll need to assign you a manager to go over the things you need to do to appeal to a bigger audience, but we think that you'll be our next big draw."

"Awesome." Grimmjow answered. "When do I start?"

----------

In the next few minutes, a commotion started in the SHOGUNS house, Orihime had already packed her luggage and dragged it behind her. Grimmjow only carried his guitar on his back. Looking at the two curiously, Szayel Aporro approached them.

"So…if you're going to be a rock star, do you think I can be your roadie?" he asked.

"Why the hell would you want to be my roadie?" Grimmjow responded.

"Because although it's going to be another eight months before the kid comes out, Cirucci moved in next door and she won't stop nagging at me. I need to get away for a while." Szayel Aporro explained.

"Well…fine. Just as long as you promise not to eat the other stage hands, you freak." Grimmjow said with some thought. Awakened by all the commotion, Stark sauntered into the room.

"Hey, I want to be a roadie too!" Stark said.

"No way, you're too lazy." Grimmjow said.

"Aw, c'mon!" Stark protested.

"You should give him a chance!" Orihime said. Grimmjow gave her a dubious look, and then let out a sigh.

"Fine." Grimmjow said. Seeing his chance, Noitora stood up.

"Me too! I'll take all of your groupies!" Noitora exclaimed.

"No." Halibel replied. Surprised, Noitora looked over at her.

"What the hell? We're not in any sort of commitment!" Noitora argued. He then realized something and gave a little smile. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

Halibel gave her answer through a bitch slap to Noitora's face. The rest in the room (even Orihime) all laughed. Grumbling, Noitora plopped down on the couch and looked for something to watch on the television. Shortly afterwards, Grimmjow, Orihime, Szayel Aporro, and Stark all left the house. After being sure that everyone else was gone, Halibel turned to Noitora.

"I need you." She said.

"God damn, this early in the morning?" Noitora commented.

"Not that, you idiot." Halibel chided. "If Grimmjow becomes famous and earns more money than I am, then he'll be the new head of the house. I will not allow that to happen."

"So what the fuck do you want me to do about it?" Noitora asked.

"You're going to help me make sure that I stay the most popular celebrity in the world." Halibel answered.

"What's in it for me?" Noitora asked with a quirk of his brow.

"Oh, I'll make it worth your while." Halibel said in a suggestive tone.

"You'll let me be on top for once?" Noitora asked.

"Maybe." Halibel replied.

"Alright, I'll help you then. I just have one question." Noitora said. "Where the hell is Ulquiorra?"

----------

Going down the lonely morning streets of Karakura Town, one could say that it was easy to tell that something was troubling Ulquiorra on that particular day. But that one person would be a lying bastard, because Ulquiorra had the same damned expression on his face that he did on every other day. However, the very fact that he had unwittingly run into the Sixth Division captain in several instances and had only exchanged petty words with him. The part that really got to him though was that he almost considered him as a friendly rival, although he still thought that hairpiece was atrocious.

To get his mind off of things, Ulquiorra left the house early in the morning (since he was the only early bird in the house anyways), so that he could enjoy the town before it was filled with the moronic citizens of the area.

Seeing a bookstore within his vicinity, Ulquiorra decided to go in to see if there was any intelligent book that would further develop his superior intelligence. However, shortly after he got into the bookstore, he saw his eternal rival scanning through the pages of another book. Sensing that something was up, Byakuya looked up and looked into Ulquiorra's eyes. The two stared at each other for nearly a full minute before Ulquiorra decided that the best course of action at that point was to just turn around and walk back out of the store.

Back on the streets, Ulquiorra had a feeling that this particular day wouldn't be as easy as he had originally though.

----------

Meanwhile, Grimmjow had just finished signing all the papers he needed to, with Orihime, Stark, and Szayel Aporro sitting near him at the long executive table. Looking over the forms, the producer looked pleased.

"Excellent!" he exclaimed. "You're all signed up then! There's just one more thing we need to do."

"And that is…?" Grimmjow asked.

"You need a manager if you ever want to get famous!" the producer exclaimed.

"A…manager?" Grimmjow echoed. "I don't need no fuckin' manager!"

"Don't you worry, I lined up the very best of all managers for you. In fact, he's the person behind Gackt's fame!" the producer boasted.

"Gackt? What the fuck is Gackt?" Grimmjow asked. The producer did not answer his question, but instead motioned for someone to come in. When he came in, Grimmjow was immediately dumbfounded by the guy's…fruitiness. He had purple hair, weirdly colored clothes, and something on his eyelashes that Grimmjow had no idea as to what their use would be.

"Yumichika-san?" Orihime asked. He looked over at Orihime and brightened his expression.

"Oh, Orihime-chan! Are you going to become a rock star?" Yumichika asked.

"Well…no." Orihime answered. "But Grimmjow is!"

"Grimmjow?" Yumichika asked.

"Yeah, that's me, you fruity bastard." Grimmjow grumbled. Yumichika gave him a curious look before circling around him, making some mental notes to himself.

"Hmm…I guess you're not too bad." Yumichika commented. "You have that that bad boy image that some girls like. But we'll still need to make some changes to have you appeal to the female base even more!"

"But my music isn't supposed to appeal to only chicks!" Grimmjow argued.

"But if you want to become super famous and rich, you're going to have to sell yourself to the ladies!" Yumichika countered.

"Yeah…I'm thinking not." Grimmjow said. "There is NO way I'm going to change myself just to appeal to women!"

----------

About an hour of arguing later, Grimmjow came out with a scowl after changing into some completely different clothes. He didn't really mind the black leather jacket, as he was used to wearing jackets that showed off his physique, but it was the tight-fitting snake print leather pants that pissed him off.

"Why the hell do I have to wear these pants?!" Grimmjow yelled.

"Have you paid attention to the rock world at all? All the most popular rockers wear those kinds of pants. The tight-fitting pants doesn't leave a whole lot to the women's imagination, if you know what I mean."

"So you're changing me to appeal to the perverts?" Grimmjow asked.

"Yeah, exactly!" Yumichika chirped. "They're the ones that pay the most money!"

"Great…it can't get any worse than this, I guess." Grimmjow mumbled.

"Oh, by the way, I still need to show you how to move during your concerts." Yumichika added.

"What do you mean? All I have to do is rock the place, right?" Grimmjow asked.

"Oh no. Have you ever watched a concert in this day and age? Rocking out might have been okay in the eighties, but today, you have to do a whole lot more than that if you want to get remembered!" Yumichika said, and then walked over to the stereo system and turned on some music, which happened to be one of Grimmjow's songs.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Grimmjow exclaimed. But was immediately quieted when Yumichika went down to his knees and started crawling on the floor seductively.

"Of all the years I served in Hueco Mundo, this is by far one of the most horrifying things I've seen in my life." Stark grumbled.

"Yeah, it definitely ranks up there." Szayel Aporro agreed.

It only got worse though as the music got to a certain point and Yumichika started to run a hand down his body. Grimmjow, Stark, and Szayel Aporro only stared in disbelief as he started to gyrate his hips.

"I take that back, THAT'S the most horrifying thing I've ever seen in my life." Stark commented.

"You guys might not like it, but the women will go nuts!" Yumichika explained. The other guys immediately looked over at Orihime who still looked dazed from all that had just happened.

"Orihime…please don't tell me that you like this kind of stuff." Grimmjow said with an incredulous tone.

"I'm…not sure what to think." Orihime said, trying to figure out why she was so strangely transfixed by what Yumichika was doing.

"You see?" Yumichika said. "Some women with senses of morals, like Orihime here, might not understand what is going on, but they'll still go wild for it!"

"What the hell have I done by signing up for this?" Grimmjow mumbled as he resisted the urge to bash his own head against the wall.

----------

As he continued down the street, Ulquiorra pondered to himself on what he should do next. And more importantly, he had to find somewhere to go that he knew that Byakuya would not be at. As he passed by a mini mall, he was sure that he found the perfect place: the barbershop. Byakuya's hair was already perfect, so there would be no need for him to be in a place such as that, even if Ulquiorra hated the fact that he could admit that Byakuya's hair was perfect.

Walking into the establishment, Ulquiorra calmly walked up to the desk and scheduled himself an appointment. Shortly afterwards, he heard the sound of the bell attached to the door ringing, followed by some oohs and ahs. Curious to see what the commotion was all about, Ulquiorra turned and was horrified (although you couldn't tell by his facial expression) to see Byakuya standing there looking a little annoyed.

"Hey, I found this guy on the street and had to bring him in to show everyone how perfect his hair is!" a random guy said. At that point, Ulquiorra cursed himself and his dumb luck. Finally, Byakuya looked around and finally met Ulquiorra's gaze.

"Why am I not surprised that a person as unsophisticated as yourself would go to a place as unsophisticated as this to get your hair done?" Byakuya said in an impassive voice.

"And why is it that I am not surprised that trash such as yourself would allowed to be touched by trash such as the person next to you?" Ulquiorra deadpanned. The two glared at each other for a couple more seconds before Byakuya turned around and left the store. Ulquiorra watched him leave and only turned around when the barber asked if he was ready for his haircut.

"No, you heard me. This place is trash." Ulquiorra responded before calmly leaving the store. Perhaps he was going about this wrong. If he wanted to be in a place to think without running into Byakuya, perhaps he had to think of places that he himself would not bother to think twice about, even if it would be at the cost of his pride.

----------

In the mean time, crowds crammed into the Karakura Square Garden as Grimmjow and the rest of his gang hung out backstage. Since this was his first concert, Grim Jaw (Yumichika changed his name to sound more metal) would be the opening act, but was promised to be the main event in future concerts if he drew enough attention.

"Hey Grimmjow, I was told that you need to be on the stage in ten minutes." Stark said, walking into his dressing room.

"Alright…it's time to rock and roll. But who the fuck am I opening for again?" Grimmjow said to Orihime.

"They're called Dethklok. Apparently, they're known as the world's greatest culture force and the twelfth greatest economy in the world." Orihime explained. "I haven't actually listened to their music though."

"Death clock? I'm opening for a band named after a fucking mechanical device?" Grimmjow growled.

"I guess." Orihime said with a shrug. Grimmjow gave a groan before stepping out of his dressing room.

"I can't believe I'm, opening for pussies!" Grimmjow exclaimed. He continued to walk toward the stage, but was stopped by five looming figures.

"Who's are y'callin a pussy?" the blond man said with a heavy Swedish accent.

"What the fuck is up with your stupid accent?" Grimmjow asked, as he was barely able to tell what he was saying.

"What's up with your blue hair? You look like a gay Billy Idol!" another man growled, whom Grimmjow assumed was the leader. "You're not brutal enough to open for us!"

"I was born with this color of hair, you morons!" Grimmjow countered. "I don't know who the fuck Billy Idol is, nor do I care, but I promise you that I'll out rock you douche bags tonight!"

Before any of them could get another word in, Grimmjow walked past them onto the stage. Some people gave a cheer, but most kept quiet, as this would be his debut into the music world. Grimmjow was a little pissed at the lack of reaction, but walked to the microphone and grabbed his guitar from behind him as the other members of his live band began playing the first song. After a while, Grimmjow began strumming his guitar

"Emerging from the cracks of hell was my birth! Do all you motherfuckers think you're ready? I'm going to slay the children of the earth! And release the hellhounds on the elderly!" Grimmjow growled into the microphone. After singing for a while, the guitarist in his band proceeded to play the guitar solo in the song that he had written. Remembering Yumichika's instructions on what to do at this point, Grimmjow knew that there was no way that he was going to whore himself out by gyrating on the stage. Only tools would hump nothing in front of people. However, as his eyes searched out in the crowd, he saw Orihime in the front row smiling at him. Instantly thinking of an alternate plan, he pulled her onto the stage.

"Grimmjow, what are you doing?" Orihime said in a hushed tone. Grimmjow only gave her an evil smirk as he gently pushed her on the ground. Before Orihime could make another move, Grimmjow got down on all fours and crawled over her. Already, the other women in the crowd went into an awed silence as they continued to watch.

Disregarding Yumichika's advice to touch himself, Grimmjow instead slowly slid his hand up Orihime's body. Orihime's already present blush intensified when she realized just how close Grimmjow's hips were to her own. Before she could say anything though, he grinded against her.

The crowd reaction was instant…and not pretty. The other girls in the crowd were now jealous and started a riot. The guys in the crowd thought it was cool and started a mosh pit. The mothers in the crowd that were keeping an eye on their children immediately threw a fit, and went to the security to complain, despite the fact that they should have known not to take their children to the event in the first place.

As the entire place rioted, finally Stark and Szayel Aporro went on the stage to escort Grimmjow and Orihime off before the rioters could get to them. Backstage, Grimmjow was dismayed to see Yumichika waiting for him in his dressing room.

"So I suppose I'm done in the rock world, eh?" Grimmjow said. Yumichika looked surprised at his suggestion.

"Done? Are you mad? You just caused a riot…on your very first performance! And guess what?" Yumichika said excitedly and pulled a newspaper out of his pocket. "You're already on the tabloids!"

Squinting his eyes, Grimmjow looked at the paper with a huge photo of him grinding against Orihime on the stage with the words "IS ROCKER GRIM JAW A PEDOPHILE? WE THINK SO!" in big, bright letters.

"What the hell? This just happened five minutes ago!" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"The first thing you should learn about this business is that the tabloids work fast." Yumichika explained. "However, it's good that you're getting this much attention."

"But I'm not a pedophile!" Grimmjow bellowed. "Can't I have one of those press conference things to explain my side of the story?"

"Oh fine." Yumichika said with a sigh. "But to warn you, those things never come out good."

----------

"Damn…his first concert and he's already getting this much attention." Halibel mused as she picked up the latest tabloid paper. "For once, the media isn't focusing their attention on my divorces, my cat, or my abuse of you!"

"Thank god for that." Noitora said in an exulted tone.

"Shut up. You're supposed to be helping me!" Halibel said. "But now we're going to have to find a way to out do him!"

"Hey, I think I heard that he's going to have a press conference. Maybe he'll clear his name and forever be out of the tabloids?" Noitora suggested.

"Hmm…I doubt it. However, we'll see what happens. If he becomes any more popular though, we will step in." Halibel said. "I'll show the world just how conniving I can be."

----------

Meanwhile, Grimmjow stood with an eerily calm expression on his face as the media murmured around him. Orihime, who sat beside him, put a hand on his arm in attempt to keep him calm.

"So I read that you stupid fuckers think I'm a pedophile and that I violated this chick beside me." Grimmjow said, setting a whole new level of being totally unprofessional in a press conference. "But if you stupid dumb shits had enough time to find out that she was fifteen, maybe you could have found out that she was my wife!"

"If she's fifteen and you married her, wouldn't that still make you a pedophile?" one reporter asked.

"Do you even know how fucking old I am?" Grimmjow fired back. "I don't even know how old I am! So if you cock suckers want to make any more accusations against me, get your fucking facts straight first!"

The reporters then went silent out of shock, but the other spectators applauded the statement. With that said, he calmly walked away from the microphone stand, with Orihime hanging onto one of his arms.

"He thinks he can escape our wrath so easily?" the tabloid reporter said out loud, garnering him several weird looks from the people around him. "He hasn't seen anything yet!"

----------

About a month, several concerts, and a full album later, Orihime came stomping into their bedroom. Grimmjow was still asleep, but Orihime shook him awake.

"What the hell, woman? I'm sleeping!" Grimmjow mumbled, but a newspaper was shoved in his face.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Orihime exclaimed. Grimmjow finally opened his eyes and looked at the paper. "GRIM JAW AND PAMELA ANDERSON DATING? ARE BOTH CHEATING BASTARDS? WE THINK SO!" read the tabloid front page read, and displayed a picture of the two in an awfully compromising position.

"The hell? I've never seen the woman in my life!" Grimmjow said, which was the truth.

"I know that's you in the picture." Orihime said sorrowfully. "I just wish that I was enough for you."

Running out of the room, Orihime didn't bother to slam the door behind her. Instantly, Grimmjow jumped out of bed and hastily put on a bathrobe. Opening the door, Grimmjow pushed past his more obsessive fans as he ran after Orihime.

"Orihime! I don't know how they got me in that picture, but I swear that I haven't seen that broad in my life!" Grimmjow yelled out and got down to his knees. Orihime finally turned around alarmed at how he was lowering himself. "Baby, you're the only one for me!"

Relieved, and slightly disturbed by the lengths Grimmjow was willing to go, Orihime was then convinced that he truly had nothing to do with the notorious celebrity, figuring that it was some sort of Photoshop trick. Pushing her way through the fans, she walked to Grimmjow and pulled him up.

"You shouldn't do these kind of things with all these people around." Orihime said. Grimmjow only scoffed at her as he brought her closer to him.

"Do you think I really give a shit at this point?" Grimmjow muttered as he ignored the cries of rage from his fangirls as he kissed Orihime in front of everyone.

However, the commotion was interrupted when a newspaper fell beside the two. Picking the paper up, Grimmjow read the headline of "IS GRIM JAW ORIHIME'S BITCH? WE THINK SO!", with a picture of Grimmjow begging in his bathrobe.

"That's it!" Grimmjow growled as he punched the nearest reporter in the stomach. "I am nobody's bitch!"

Seeing another newspaper drop beside him, Grimmjow picked it up and gave a scowl as he read the headline of "DOES GRIM JAW NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT? WE THINK SO!" with a picture of Grimmjow punching the reporter in the stomach.

"What in the hell? That just happened like thirty seconds ago!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "Are those fuckers on Red Bull and cocaine or what?"

"We better get inside." Orihime suggested.

"Yeah, that sounds like a damned good idea right now." Grimmjow agreed as both pushed their way back into the house.

----------

"Just in the past hour, that bastard Grimmjow has had three different tabloids with his face on the front cover." Halibel said. "Apparently those reporters are running on that Red Bull and cocaine mix again. After all, how the hell would they be able to keep up with Paris Hilton's deterioration?"

"I noticed." Noitora commented. "So now that the fucker's gotten himself even more infamous, how are we going to knock him out of the spotlight?"

"I hear he's got a concert going on tonight." Halibel said. "We'll make sure that it doesn't go as planned."

"I see." Noitora said. "If we embarrass him enough tonight, he'll be too ashamed to make any more music, and the media would have no further use for him, as no one would care anymore."

"Precisely." Halibel said. "Now let's get moving."

----------

Knowing that he had to get the equipment ready, Stark took his usual caffeine pill, as it was what kept him awake long enough to efficiently do his job. Unknown to him though, Noitora and Halibel replaced his caffeine pill with a sleep aid pill. Immediately, he thought it was weird that he was feeling more tired than awake, so he took another pill, which Halibel figured would happen ahead of time and switched all the pills in his bottle.

Stark found it weird that he still felt sleepy, but figured that he'd eventually wake up if he walked it off. Finishing the inventory check on stage, he gave the okay to start the show. Grim Jaw, at this point, was so popular that if he bothered to get an opening band, they would be torn to pieces by the rabid fans, so instead the show was always just his band.

On that particular night, Stark was assigned to watch over the special effects board, which Stark already had a bad feeling about before, but he was assured that even he could handle the job. However, it was not long into the show when Stark lost the battle with himself and instantly fell asleep. Falling on the sound effect board, the emergency sprinklers immediately went off over the stage. However, instead of hindering the performance, the fangirls instead squealed in delight, as Grimmjow was drenched in water.

"This was not how it was supposed to work out." Halibel said, watching from backstage.

"Yeah, we only made his fangirls even more crazy." Noitora sighed. "Perhaps we should be targeting Szayel Aporro…that guy's fucking crazy."

----------

In the next performance, Halibel and Noitora spied on Grimmjow enough to know that Szayel Aporro was stationed to be taking care of things in the catwalk above the stage. Knowing that it had been a long time since Szayel Aporro had the chance to feast upon the brains of a creature, the two set up a human that they drugged the hell out of, and dressed him up in a Fraccion suit.

Going up to his station once the show started, Szayel Aporro cursed himself for the fact that he didn't have enough time to eat on that particular day. However, once he saw something that he swore was one of his own Fraccion, he first pinched himself to see if he was delusional (or at least more than usual), but when he saw that he wasn't imagining things, he snuck up to the man in the suit with a wide grin. Moments later, the audience was horrified to hear a loud crunching noise, followed by a massive amount of blood pouring out onto the stage.

Grimmjow at this point, however, knew exactly what the audience wanted as the blood poured down on his chest, he rubbed some of it across his chest, causing a major part of his fangirl fan base to pass out from the action. Backstage, Noitora and Halibel did not look pleased.

"What the fuck is wrong with that guy's fans?" Noitora exclaimed.

"I guess it's settled. No matter what we do, Grimmjow will only make it worse…and the people love him for it." Halibel noted. "I think we better stay out of his business for now on, if we want that guy's popularity to ever die out."

"Yeah." Noitora said. "Maybe we should just join him as roadies."

"What the hell is wrong with you? There is no way I'm lowering myself to that level." Halibel said as she bitchslapped Noitora across the face. Moments later, a tabloid paper mysteriously dropped beside the two. Picking it up, Noitora instantly gave a sour face when he read it. "DOES HALIBEL HAVE HER BITCH WHIPPED? WE THINK SO!" the headline read with a picture of Halibel slapping Noitora across the face.

"God I hate tabloids." Noitora muttered.

----------

Going inside the most redneck bar that he could find, Ulquiorra instantly hated that he had to resort to going inside that establishment to avoid running into Byakuya. Going up to the bar, he ignored the bartender when he asked him what he wanted to drink. However, another voice caught his attention.

"What is the matter? Did you forget to speak?" a very familiar voice said, devoid of any emotion.

"No, I am just laughing on the inside that a supposed sophisticated person as yourself, according to you, is at a place like this." Ulquiorra said.

"If there was ever a time to use the phrase of calling the kettle black, this would be it." Byakuya countered. Knowing that he was right, Ulquiorra only glared at him. Fighting the urge to start a verbal fight with him, Ulquiorra finally got up from his bar stool and left, not knowing that Byakuya was doing the same exact thing.

Pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, Ulquiorra decided to make arrangements to the one place that he knew that Byakuya would never go to. Finally, the person he called picked up.

"Hello. I would like one ticket to the Grim Jaw show." Ulquiorra droned.

----------

Despite all of his recent success, Yumichika continued to instruct Grimmjow on what to do to become even more popular. And as much as he hated to admit it, his advice did actually lead to his success, even if he usually put his own twist to Yumichika's suggestions.

"You are doing WONDERFUL!" Yumichika raved. "I would have never thought to spread the blood on my body! However, to become even more famous, you need to do one more thing."

"And that is…?" Grimmjow asked.

"You need to make more songs about sex." Yumichika said.

"The hell?" Grimmjow commented. "I already made twelve different songs about sex! How many fucking songs do you need about…fucking?!"

"You can never have enough." Yumichika answered in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Oh fine, but maybe I could write better songs about that topic if I ever had enough time to fuck." Grimmjow grumbled. "Between concerts, recording, interviews, and appearing on stupid VH1 shows, I never get any time to myself!"\

"It's not my fault that you won't touch the groupies." Yumichika said with a sigh.

"When Szayel Aporro won't even touch them, I know I'll probably get eighty different types of genital warts just from looking at those skanks!" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"Save your arguments for another time." Yumichika finally said. "We need to look at the final version for your music video for 'Release the Hellhounds'."

Grimmjow already had a bad feeling about the video as the director started to play it on his laptop. The numerous scenes of Grimmjow wandering around in the desert were already annoying enough, but when Grimmjow saw a huge puppy monster make an appearance. Upon seeing that atrocity, Grimmjow grabbed the laptop and threw it out a nearby window. A moment later, Grimmjow watched as it somehow exploded.

"No! That was the whole video!" the director said mournfully.

"Thank god." Grimmjow said. "What the fuck was up with the dog monster?"

"Well, the song IS called 'Release the Hellhounds'." The director said.

"That didn't mean that you had to put a stupid fuckin' puppy that walks on its two hind legs!" Grimmjow yelled.

"Well, to appeal to the mass market-" the director attempted to explain, but was cut off by Grimmjow.

"I don't give a fuck about the mass market! It has to appeal to me. ME." Grimmjow fumed.

"Grimmjow! Now we have to spend even more money to make another video!" Yumichika scolded. "But oh well, you have another concert coming up, so you have to get ready."

Grimmjow only growled as he left the room to go on his tour bus. Pulling out a piece of paper, Grimmjow grinned as he looked over it. If the public wanted a song about sex, Grimmjow had one hell of a song for them tonight.

----------

Staring at the empty stage, Halibel finally came up with a plan that she knew would put her in the spotlight, instead of Grimmjow. She then looked over at Noitora, who was blissfully unaware of what she had in mind, as he thought that they were just simply attending a Grim Jaw performance. However, unknown to Noitora, it would be the two of them making one hell of a performance.

Elsewhere, Orihime didn't notice the excited murmurs in the crowd, as she anxiously awaited Grimmjow to set foot on stage. Two women looked at her for a moment before approaching her.

"Hey…aren't you Grim Jaw's chick?" one said to her.

"Well, his name is GRIMMJOW, but yes, I am his wife." Orihime responded.

"We were wondering…how big is he?" the other woman said.

"Well, I believe he was six foot four, if I remember right." Orihime said thoughtfully.

"No, no. That's not what we mean!" woman #1 said. "We want to know how big his dick is."

"What?!" Orihime exclaimed as a huge blush went across her face.

In another part of the crowd, Ulquiorra did his best to ignore the idiots around him. Some punk-looking girls tried to hit on him, but Ulquiorra only had to comment on how trashy they looked to make them go away.

Although the situation already seemed bad for him before, Ulquiorra suddenly got an impending sense of doom, which forced him to look to his right. Although it was a vast space, Ulquiorra was still extremely dismayed to see Byakuya in the crowd. However, Ulquiorra just decided to stay in his place, hoping that in doing so, he would have no chance of running into his rival.

Backstage, Szayel Aporro approached Stark, as he noticed that the formerly higher ranked Espada had an uncharacteristic melancholy look upon his face.

"What the hell is your deal?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Well, it's just that the past eight months have been some of the greatest in my life." Stark said. "Being Grimmjow's roadie has really been great."

"Yeah, it has been swell." Szayel Aporro said in agreement. "So why the hell do you look so crestfallen?"

"I had a dream today." Stark explained. "And according to it, our lives will go back to normal after tonight."

"Shit!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed. "My life CAN'T go back to normal! That whore is going to pop out the kid any day now!"

"It sucks, I know." Stark said. "But the only thing we can do is make the best of tonight."

"Let's keep on drinking until we can't feel feelings anymore!" Szayel Aporro said as he went to the mini fridge and pulled out several bottles of beer.

"Yeah, I'm with you on that." Stark said, opening a few beers for himself.

Elsewhere backstage, Grimmjow heard the band start the first song, so he sauntered onto the stage to be greeted by a huge cheer. Grabbing the microphone, he sneered at the audience.

"Are you fuckers ready to ROCK?" Grimmjow yelled, and was again answered with a large cheer from the crowd. Going into first song, Grimmjow immediately started to scan the crowd for his wife. Spotting her, he gave a grin.

"Get up here." Grimmjow ordered during a break in the song.

However, Orihime was being held up by the two groupie-wannabes. One took out a picture they had taken before and showed Orihime.

"Okay, fine. We understand that you haven't measured it, although we don't see why you didn't. So just tell us if it's bigger than this one." Groupie #2 said.

Orihime looked at the picture and her face flushed even more than it was before, but at the same time was finally getting pissed. Yeah, Grimmjow's penis was definitely bigger than the one shown in the picture, but it wasn't like those bitches had the right to know. And then when Grimmjow summoned her to go up on stage, the two women tried to block her way. She knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, but she had enough of the damned groupies. Surprising everyone, Orihime balled up her fist and punched both of them in the gut, knocking both women out, before running up on the stage.

When she finally got up on the stage, Grimmjow decided to do a repeat of his first concert, but this time would have a different twist to it. He lowered Orihime to a lying position on the stage and once again got on all fours.

" And when I get you on the ground." Grimmjow sung as he crawled over to Orihime. Once he got on top of her, he continued to sing. "The things I do to you are profound."

"Grimmjow…" Orihime said, too dazed to think of anything else to say.

"In this motherfucking god, you can trust." Grimmjow purred out as he once again moved his hips against hers. "While deep inside of you, I will thrust."

Already the crowd was going nuts, although only half of it had to do with Grimmjow's performance. Unknown to Grimmjow, once the music started up, Halibel began to abuse Noitora in a way that was strangely a turn on for everyone else watching.

"I did not agree to these terms!" Noitora shouted out.

"Shut up, bitch." Halibel muttered. "You know you like it."

"That's not the point!" Noitora yelled out, but then went into a man scream once Halibel began to abuse him more.

"So many things that I will do." Grimmjow said as he licked the side of Orihime's face. And then bent his face down to whisper the last line of the song. "I'm going to come all over you."

With the last line of the song sung, the crowd went into a complete frenzy, causing several people to create a massive mosh pit. Ulquiorra tried to stand his ground, but was being pushed all over the place, as was his eternal rival, Byakuya. Both were so concerned with staying in their place that neither noticed just how close they were, until both were pushed into each other, and their lips met.

The fangirls around them instantly went into a bigger frenzy upon witnessing the two attractive strangers kissing, even if it was not either of their intention in the least bit. Finally breaking away from each other, the two looked impassively at each other for a moment before running out of the crowd to head to separate bathrooms to immediately start cleaning their lips. Again, Ulquiorra felt his face grow hot, but this time, he convinced himself that it was just purely embarrassment from being forced into that kind of situation.

On the stage, Grimmjow finally finished his song, but did not look happy. He had intended his song to piss everyone off, but instead, everyone still looked as happy as ever. Picking up his guitar, he threw it into the audience, and didn't even care that he injured somebody with it.

"That's it!" Grimmjow yelled. "I fucking QUIT! I had enough of this shit!"

Grabbing Orihime, Grimmjow immediately left the stage, carrying Orihime over his shoulder. He didn't care where it happened, but he was finally going to get laid. And now that he wasn't a rock star any more, not one bastard could stop him. He saw a newspaper fall on the ground beside him, but didn't care enough to read the headline, which read "ROCKER GRIM JAW HAS RETIRED! WILL WE, THE TABLOIDS MISS HIM? WE THINK SO!". In a smaller section of the front page had a picture of Halibel beating Noitora up, which read, "Noitora voted biggest bitch of celebrities of all time!"

----------

Elsewhere, an impatient looking Cirucci was finally handed her newborn child. Despite all of his years in the business, Isshin had to admit that Cirucci was the scariest case he ever had to work with as far as childbirths had to go.

"It's a girl!" Isshin exclaimed as Cirucci looked at the purple-eyed child. "What would you like to name her?"

"Nikita." Cirucci answered. Despite all of the months of having trouble of picking out a name, and profusely rejecting Szayel Aporro's suggestion of "Dinner", she had finally found the perfect name while looking through the television section at a video store, and seeing the series of La Femme Nikita.

"Nikita Thunderwitch?" Isshin asked.

"Hell no, Thunderwitch is the worst last name ever!" Cirucci yelled. "Nikita Grantz has a far better ring to it."

"Grantz? Is that the name of the father?" Isshin asked.

"Although the bastard doesn't know it now, there's no way that it could be any other kid." Cirucci muttered. "And when the Maury Show proves it, he'll have no reason to not become a father to this child."

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Author's Comments

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Oh man this chapter was fun to write. XD

The explanation that Cirucci gives to naming her child is actually very similar to the way I picked it. I work in the music and DVD department at work, so sometimes when I'm desperate to look for names, I'll just look at random DVDs and CDs until I finally come up with a name. And I thought Nikita was strangely fitting.

The lyrics I used in this chapter were formed when I was REALLY bored at work. XD

And for those of you confused by the Dethklok reference, they're the band featured in the cartoon of Metalocalyspe on Adult Swim. God I love that show. 3

Anyways, in the next chapter of Worse Than Death, Cirucci has birthed her child, which means it's off to the Maury Show for her and Szayel Aporro! Will the show prove that Cirucci is really a whore and that Szayel Aporro truly is not the father? Or will our favorite pink haired scientist's life change if he is the father? And what the hell does Dordonii have to do with this chapter? Find out in the next chapter of Worse Than Death!


	9. Chapter 9

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Nine

By Renegade Raine

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"C'mon dude, I packed the last of your luggage, so let's go already!" Stark shouted impatiently as he waited by the front door of the SHOGUNS house.

Szayel Aporro emerged from his room with a weird look on his face. There were several things weird about the situation before him. First of all, Stark was a lazy ass and had a tendency to sleep. A lot. However, Stark was strangely the liveliest out of every one in the house at that very moment. Secondly, why was he so eager to carry his luggage out for him? Finally, why did Szayel Aporro get the sinking feeling that Stark was implying that he was going too?

Before Szayel Aporro could ask a single question though, Halibel stepped out of her room with a strangely grouchy expression on her face. Folding her arms, she scowled at Stark from above the staircase in the house.

"You're sleeping all the time, so you get your ass up here and find a cure for my insomnia!" Halibel grumbled, startling Szayel Aporro, as he was not used to her slipping away from her usual calm demeanor. However, Stark suddenly looked VERY pissed off.

"Oh hell no, I've been waiting MONTHS for my chance to see someone I know get owned on the Maury Show, and I'll be damned if I'm going to lose that chance by finding a way for your bitch ass to fall asleep!" Stark yelled.

Despite being in a very grouchy mood, Halibel joined Szayel Aporro as he stared at the typically laid-back member of the Espada in disbelief.

"What in the hell?" Szayel Aporro muttered. "Is this bizarro day or what?"

"There is no way I am wearing this!" a voice shouted from behind Halibel's door, which Szayel Aporro figured was Noitora.

Turning around from the irate Stark, Halibel stomped toward her door, slammed it open and walked in. A moment later, Szayel Aporro heard a faint sound, which he figured was Halibel smacking the offender.

"Shut up, bitch, and put the damned costume on NOW or I'll make sure that the next time we screw will be extra painful for you!" Halibel screamed.

Not wanting to know what was going on in the room, Szayel Aporro sighed and gave a slight shrug.

"At least some things never change." Szayel Aporro mused.

"C'mon, we're gonna be late!" Stark hollered.

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to hate this day more than I usually hate every other day?" Szayel Aporro muttered as he followed Stark out of the door.

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"You're hungry for what?" Grimmjow asked with an incredulous tone.

"Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Orihime repeated with a look of confusion.

"Just peanut butter and jelly?" Grimmjow asked.

"Yeah…what's so strange about that?" Orihime replied.

"That's exactly it. There's nothing strange about it." Grimmjow retorted. "Normally I would think it's a good sign, since I was getting tired of you making things like salmon covered with maple syrup, cheddar cheese, and cilantro for supper, but this is like a sign of the fucking apocalypse."

"Don't you think you're over reacting just a little bit?" Orihime asked as she nervously scratched behind her head.

"You've been cheating on me…haven't you?" Grimmjow muttered.

"HUH?!" Orihime exclaimed. "Now you're really over reacting!"

"I know you, and you wouldn't be craving normal food for any normal reason." Grimmjow explained.

"So because of that you think that I've been cheating on you?" Orihime said in an incredulous tone.

"So you have been sleeping with that god damned Shinigami, haven't you?" Grimmjow growled.

Orihime only looked at him in disbelief. She had practically been attached to him by the hip since Grimmjow had given up on his rock star dreams whenever she wasn't at school or hanging out with her friends.

When the doorbell rang a few moments later, Orihime sighed in relief, as Grimmjow shifted his accusatory glare toward the door. Since Grimmjow didn't make a move, Orihime went across the room and opened the door. What she saw caused her mouth to drop in further disbelief.

"Oh hey, Inoue-san." Ichigo greeted and handed over a jar of peanut butter. "I noticed I had an extra jar of peanut butter in the cupboard at home, and I thought I'd see if you wanted it."

"I fucking knew it!" Grimmjow shouted before Orihime had a chance to respond. Within a second, Grimmjow had Ichigo pressed against the wall with a hand around his neck.

"What the hell, you psycho?" Ichigo choked out. "Is giving somebody a container of peanut butter a sign of cheating now?"

"Apparently it is now." Orihime said with dismay. "Thank you for the peanut butter, Kurosaki-kun. I'm sorry that my husband is acting like a damned idiot."

Orihime glared at Grimmjow briefly before slamming the door and leaving the two men outside. Upon hearing Orihime swear, even if it was a rather mild cuss word, both Grimmjow and Ichigo looked at the door in disbelief.

"Oh hell no." Ichigo mumbled. "You've started to rub off on her."

"I guess I really pissed her off this time." Grimmjow mumbled in an equally disbelieving tone.

"But seriously, we're not doing anything." Ichigo said with a shrug of his shoulders. Grimmjow sighed and paced a little in front of the door.

"Yeah, I didn't think she would." Grimmjow admitted. "But still, there's something off about her."

"You DO know who you married, right?" Ichigo said with a raised eyebrow.

"That's the point. Today, she told me that she was craving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." Grimmjow said.

"Yeah? So? What did she want with it? Sardines?" Ichigo asked with a dubious look.

"No. That's all she wanted." Grimmjow replied. Ichigo stared at Grimmjow for a couple of seconds before the realization dawned on him.

"You better keep an eye on her." Ichigo said as his face took on a more serious tone. "Last time she craved for normal food…well…she got kidnapped by your gang."

"…I better get inside." Grimmjow said. Ichigo looked at his former rival warily before he turned to leave. Grimmjow watched the orange haired man leave, and realized it was the first time that he had talked to the Shinigami without even a punch thrown. Picking up the jar of peanut butter, he turned back toward Ichigo and gave the man a friendly wave before he chucked the jar of peanut butter at his head. Upon seeing Ichigo fall to the ground unconscious, Grimmjow was satisfied and went back inside.

----------

Elsewhere in the house, Halibel looked up from her bed expectantly as Noitora walked into the room from the bathroom with a mortified look upon his face.

"I knew you were kinky before, but I had no idea that you had a thing for men in sheep suits." Noitora said as he tried to keep his eyes off of Halibel.

"Can it and jump over the damned bed." Halibel commanded.

"I can't jump that far!" Noitora protested.

"Do it, dammit!" Halibel demanded as she hit Noitora with the whip that she kept by her bedside at all times. Noitora gave a yelp of pain before he finally jumped over the bed.

"Why the hell are you turned on by this?!" Noitora exclaimed. "Even by MY standards, this is some messed up shit."

"I need to get some sleep, so I'm counting the sheep." Halibel answered. Noitora stopped what he was doing and narrowed his eye in disbelief. However, he continued to jump over the bed after Halibel whipped him again.

"You know, this just isn't working." Halibel commented.

"Then can I stop?" Noitora asked.

"No."

Before Noitora could start jumping over the bed though, the door to the room was opened. Immediately, both Halibel and Noitora could feel the hatred emanating in the room, even if Ulquiorra's expression conveyed nothing at all. In his hands, he held the comforter to his bed, which had some suspicious looking stains on it. Before Ulquiorra could speak on the matter though, a feeling of dread passed through the pale-faced espada as he saw both Noitora and Halibel stare at him with a mischievous look in their eyes.

"You wouldn't happen to have another sheep suit, would ya?" Noitora asked.

"Of course I do." Halibel answered as she pulled out another sheep suit from beside the bed and threw it at Ulquiorra.

"No." Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"Do it or I'll give the doujinshi twins more pictures of you and Byakuya doing…very naughty things." Halibel threatened.

Ulquiorra sighed and promptly went into the bathroom with the sheep suit to change.

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"Welcome back to the Maury Show!" the host greeted as the show came back from a commercial break. "Today on this show, we've been performing paternity tests for women whose paternity of their child is being disputed with their partners! Next on the show, we have Cirucci who admits to cheating on her boyfriend of sorts, but still claims that he's the father of the child and only cheated on him because he was quote 'a sadistic bastard'. Please welcome, Cirucci!"

The studio audience politely applauded as Cirucci walked across the stage to sit on one of the chairs on the stage with a huffy look upon her face. Maury waited for the audience reaction to die down a little before he continued.

"Welcome to the show, Cirucci." Maury greeted. "Please tell us about your current situation.

"Sure. Well, first of all, I born as this thing called a Hollow. But I got sick of looking like a BLEEP skull bee, so I pulled off my mask to become one of the first Arrancar ever. Hell, I was even considered to be one of the best. But then my master Aizen had to be a BLEEP and make fake Arrancars and one in particular was ESPECIALLY frustrating so I-" Cirucci started, ignoring the weird glances that all but two people in the audience gave her.

"Uh…I was talking about the baby situation." Maury butted in.

"Oh fine. Szayel-Aporro and I…well…we started off on bad terms. In fact, you could probably call it borderline rape, but that's pretty much how all relationships start in Hueco Mundo, I guess. But anyways, we we're what you'd humans call BLEEP buddies. But honestly, even after all of his weird and kinky experiments, I got bored, so I…well…" Cirucci explained.

"You slept around." Maury finished.

"Yeah." Cirucci answered. "But anyways, I got kicked out of Hueco Mundo after a while, and had to work at the local strip joint to survive. Then, like a scene from the most nightmarish fairytale ever, I find Szayel Aporro in the audience." Cirucci continued, narrowing her eyes as she mentioned Szayel Aporro's name.

The screen then shot to backstage, where Szayel Aporro was waiting backstage. The audience booed, but the pink haired man only shrugged in response.

"Then one thing led to another…and well…let's just say that we gave the audience one hell of a show that night." Cirucci said.

With that information, the audience laughed and made rude catcalls until Maury made them shut up.

"Then the next thing I know, I'm puking my brains out the next week, and one of my co-workers told me to get a pregnancy test. And sure enough, it turns out that Cirucci, once the prided part of the Espada, was now pregnant." Cirucci said with malice. "So because of that, I had to quit my job, because I didn't have the money to afford an abortion, and now I live on the god damned streets."

"That's…quite the story." Maury finally commented. "But you mentioned that you slept with other men before. How are you sure that neither of them are your baby's father?"

"Maury, when you're an Arrancar, you can't get pregnant, because you are, y'know, dead. But it has been proven that a gigai is both capable of reproducing as well as giving birth. So there's no way that I could have gotten pregnant in Hueco Mundo. And even if I might be low in morals, there is no way that I would allow a filthy human to touch me!" Cirucci growled out, further confusing most of the audience.

"Well, I don't understand anything that you just said, but tell us if this Szayel Aporro has done anything for your child since she has been born." Maury said.

"Nope, not a thing. The damned psycho locked himself up in his house and then became Grimmjow's roadie, so that he wouldn't have to deal with me." Cirucci responded, to which the audience booed.

"I also understand that you have brought along a guest in the audience along with you today?" Maury asked.

"Yeah, right there in the audience…it's my father." Cirucci said with a slight smile as she pointed in the crowd. Stark, who was in the audience, followed the direction of her fingertip and squinted his eyes as he swore he saw an all too familiar face.

"Dude, you're still alive?" Stark said aloud. Promptly, the man turned around and pointed his finger at him.

Don't you interrupt my introduction, nino!" The Privaron yelled at the Espada. "As the lovely nina was saying, I, Dordonii Alessandro Del Socacchio, am indeed her father."

"How the hell is that even possible?!" Stark said with obvious confusion.

"I've gotta tell you nino, the sixties was a wild time for Dordonii." He started to explain. "I got really high one night at Los Noches, don't ask me how I managed to do that, but I did it. So then I made myself a gigai, and went to the Woodstock festival in sixty-nine, and met this beautiful nina named…well…Nina. Anyways, we hit it off and became lovers for about ten years until she gave birth to a child."

"So wait…Cirucci's mom was a hippie? That must be where she gets her whorish tendencies from." Stark commented.

"Don't you dare talk about Nina like that!" Dordonii yelled. "She died of fear when she gave birth to Cirucci, as I never told her about my Arrancar side, and when the child came out, she was in the form of a Hollow. I was very saddened by this, so I gave the child her mother's last name. And after that, I promised that I would not love another woman after that, but let's just say that I got carried away."

Dordonii got a little misty-eyed mentioning his departed lover, but Stark only continued to give Dordonii a weird look.

"So you're saying that your daughter gets her whorish qualities from you?" Stark asked.

"Well, I wouldn't call it whorish…but…yeah, pretty much." Dordonii replied.

"Well, I don't think I or any of the rest of the audience knows what any of you are talking about, but let's hear from the other side of the story!" Maury finally said.

The video on the screen flickered on as Szayel Aporro looked calmly at the screen.

"Greetings, my name is Szayel Aporro Grantz, the Octava Espada. It has been brought to my attention that the whore, Cirucci, has given birth to a child, and thus expects me to be the father. Now, I've done my research on the show, and Wikipedia tells me that the typical responses from the fathers are that they're anywhere from one hundred to five million percent sure that they are not the father. However, if they were to have sexual relations with the woman in question within the period that the woman conceived the child, the possibility of them not being the father would not be one hundred percent. I'm not ignorant trash like those said men, so I will admit that there is a chance that I am the father, as we put on one hell of a show about nine months ago. At the same time, however, there is a reason why Cirucci is known as a whore from where I come from. So if I take the possible father candidates that I know, which, including me, is one hundred and forty-seven. Thus the possibility of me being the father is roughly only 0.068 and the possibility of me not being the father is about 99.932." he started to explain, as the crowd already looked very bored. "But if you take into account the time period that the whore was kicked out of Hueco Mundo, we have no scientific data to make an accurate hypothesis on the correct percentage that I, Szayel Aporro, am or am not the father. I would assume that most sexual activity would cease with the Arrancars, as most Arrancars have a sense of pride that would make them be turned off by an exiled Arrancar, such as Cirucci, which would thus increase the likelihood of me being the whore's child immensely. On the other hand, however, the masses of people on the planet Earth is quite large, and knowing how sexually active the whore is, the chances are that the possibility of me being the father is actually probably even lower than 0.068. Furthermore, if you factor in-"

Finally, the video was cut off as the show went into a commercial break, as Szayel Aporro's video was taking a far longer time than most videos. However, the video still played for the studio audience, who was now audibly yawning, except for Dordonii, who was yelling at the video, and Stark, who was waiting so ever patiently for the drama to unfold before his eyes.

----------

Back in Karakura Town, Ulquiorra's permanent frown seemed to be slightly deeper than usual. He had jumped over the bed a couple of times with Noitora, but when Halibel still wasn't feeling tired at all, so she yelled for someone to go out and get her sleeping pills. Ulquiorra was about to turn around to tell Noitora, the lower ranked Espada, to go get them, but when he flashed a couple of pictures that he had saved from the photo session in the strip club, Ulquiorra immediately left the room, not bothering to go take off the sheep suit.

He ignored the strange glares of the people around him as he made his way to the nearest pharmacy. However, once he got nearer, Ulquiorra was a little confused to see a wolf standing in front of the store, holding a promotional sign. The writing on the sign was done in pencil, so Ulquiorra could not read it from his current position, and cautiously watched the wolf as he advanced closer.

Once he got in front of the store though, Ulquiorra was a little humiliated to find out that not only was the wolf actually someone in wolf's clothing, but it was also Byakuya in the said costume. If blackmailing wasn't a threat against Ulquiorra in that instance, he would have just walked away, however, he was determined to get those sleeping pills.

"Well, it seems that you have finally surrendered in trying to admit that you are sophisticated." Byakuya commented.

"Well, at least I am not a lamb in wolf's clothing." Ulquiorra droned.

"The only sheep that I see here is you." Byakuya countered. Before the argument between the two could reach the boring climax that the two managed to always achieve though, the pharmacy's owner came out looking a little peeved.

"I'm payin' ya to advertise our new promotion, and you sit out here with a shoddy looking sign? I tell ya what, kid, yer fired!" the man yelled at Byakuya and then turned toward the street to yell at the passer-bys. "Attention, Wolfe Pharmacy is now holding a deal on medical marijuana, come get your free sample now!"

Within seconds, a whole mob of people started to rush toward the pharmacy, completely disregarding the two costumed figures in front of the store. Since the two didn't have the time or the room to get away, Ulquiorra was shoved against the wall, with Byakuya in between him and the wall.

Immediately, Ulquiorra attempted to push back to get away, but could not, as there was no room to get away. Instead, the two trapped men only stared at each other impassively. A particularly aggressive gentleman then pushed his way through, which caused Ulquiorra's body to be pushed even closer to Byakuya's. Knowing that there was nothing he could do about it, Ulquiorra just stayed in the position, hoping that the whole ordeal would be over soon. A couple of minutes later, a couple of snapping noises could be heard, and Ulquiorra was immediately pushed away by Byakuya.

"If you would have paid attention, you would have noticed that the crowd has died down for a couple of minutes now." Byakuya deadpanned. "And now it seems as though as a couple spectators have taken it upon themselves to take some pictures."

"Haha, you moronic jackass!" Noitora taunted as he stuck his grinning head out of a car window, followed by Halibel sticking her own head out with a quiet sense of amusement.

"What is going on here?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Well, you see, I was actually tired." Halibel explained. "But once Noitora and I found out exactly who would be in front of the pharmacy today, we changed our plans so that we could get even more blackmail on you. So I called up on an old friend of mine, and had several pounds of medical marijuana shipped to the pharmacy to ensure that you would run into the way, sandwiching Byakuya in the process. Who cares if I get any sleep when I can get loads of money from Loli and Menoli for these pictures?" Halibel explained.

"I hate you two." Ulquiorra commented.

"It's okay, we don't like you either. But yer too damned fun to blackmail." Noitora countered as he stuck out his tongue.

"But if it makes you feel any better, we're having a celebration party at the nightclub tonight. Since you were generous enough to provide us with these photos, I'll make sure that your drinks are free." Halibel suggested. "But until then, I have to get these pictures back to the doujinshi twins. Farewell for now."

With that, Halibel rolled the window up to the limousine that she and Noitora rode in as the vehicle sped off. Looking to the side, Ulquiorra noticed that Byakuya had left quite some time ago. Naturally, Ulquiorra was confused, but the thing that had him the most puzzled was that if Byakuya had known that the crowd had been gone for a couple of minutes at least, why hadn't he tried to push him away sooner?

Ulquiorra gave a slight sigh as he finally decided that Byakuya was only trying to humiliate him further by bluffing, when clearly the crowd had just dispersed at that very moment of time. Satisfied with his conclusion, Ulquiorra began to walk toward the nightclub. Obviously, he was going to need a drink or two to forget about this day.

----------

On the set of the Maury Show, the video of Szayel Aporro's testimony continued as the show came back from the commercial break.

"And THAT explains why I don't think that I am the father of the girl. If I am the father, my reaction will be various, depending on the state of the child. If the child turns out to be intelligent and competent, then naturally I would hope the child could aid in my future studies. However, if the child were plump and delicious, I would obviously want to consume the child. If I am not the father though, I'm telling that whore once and for all to leave me the hell alone, unless of course she wants to have kinky, experimental sex with no attachments afterwards." Szayel Aporro spoke, as the video finally ended.

"Well…that…was interesting." Maury said, as he stifled a yawn. "Without further ado, let's welcome him to the stage."

Szayel Aporro finally made his way from backstage to the set as the audience booed him very loudly. At first, he only gave the audience an unsatisfied look, but then grinned madly as he pulled a vial out of one of his pockets and threw the acid content into a section of the audience. There was some screaming, before the rest of the audience smartened up and kept quiet. Normally, Maury would complain about abusing the audience, but he already knew that this show would be one of the most watched ever, so he kept his mouth shut as well.

"Hello Szayel." Maury greeted.

"Hello to you as well." Szayel Aporro replied. "But the name is Szayel Aporro, not just Szayel."

"Oh…right. Anyways, it seems to me, from what Cirucci said, that you have a high possibility of being the father. However, why is it that you're so apprehensive about becoming this baby's father?"

"Well, Maury, if you would have paid attention to the video, you would have seen my complete analysis on why I believe I am not the father. As for your second question, the woman is a whore and the child was indeed my own, she would become an embarrassment to myself from her likely promiscuous traits that she would inherit from her mother."

"Excuse me, but who was the one known as the playboy of Hueco Mundo?" Cirucci fired back. "You've never rejected me once! In fact, you were the one to initiate the sexual contact in the first place!"

"I'm only known as the playboy of Hueco Mundo because apparently the women around there are attracted to the intellectual types, such as myself. I don't see how that's my problem. And I only initiated your so-called sexual contact because you thought that you were more powerful than I was, and I proved you wrong as I had you underneath me on the floor, moaning my name." Szayel Aporro countered.

"It seems to me as though you could both use counseling. Or jail. I'm not sure which one." Maury commented.

"Can it, old man." Cirucci yelled. "Anyways, the child is obviously yours, so admit to it. As the typical guest on this show would say, you are my baby daddy!"

"The typical guest on this show apparently has no concept of grammar usage." Szayel Aporro noted. "If you are so sure that I am this baby's father, please enlighten me as to why you think so."

"Maury, could you please do that thing where you have the split screen with the baby and the father please?" Cirucci requested.

"Oh…sure." Maury responded as the video changed to show Nikita on one side and Szayel Aporro on the other side. With a satisfied look upon her face, Cirucci walked over to the video screen.

"Look at the damned screen!" Cirucci exclaimed. "They look exactly alike!"

The audience cheered as they agreed with her. Szayel Aporro though looked unsatisfied as he walked over to the screen as well.

"That child has purple eyes. I have orange colored eyes." Szayel Aporro said.

"I have purple eyes, you moron!" Cirucci yelled.

"I guess I never bothered to notice." Szayel Aporro said with an amused smirk, which caused Cirucci to grit her teeth. "Anyways, what do you see in this child that supposedly makes it look just like me?"

"Oh, I don't know." Cirucci said sarcastically. "Maybe it's because she has the same shape of eyes as you. Or maybe it's because she has the same shape of nose as you. Or maybe I'm a little crazy for thinking this, but she has pink hair when I know that every other self respecting guy anywhere does not have natural pink hair!"

"Still, it doesn't prove that the child is mine." Szayel Aporro commented, which caused everyone in the studio to give him a wary glare, including Stark.

"That child is yours, nino!" Dordonii yelled as he walked upon the stage. "Quit being a wimp and be a man!"

"Oh, I think your daughter would say that I was a man plenty of times when she called out my name." Szayel Aporro answered smugly.

"Don't you talk about my daughter that way!" Dordonii said in rage as he threw a chair at the Espada.

"Oh snap!" Stark laughed as he applauded with the rest of the crowd.

Szayel Aporro managed to dodge the chair, but was a little confused when another woman came onto the stage. Szayel Aporro immediately noted how unattractive the woman was as she came over to him and slapped him.

"What the hell, woman?" Szayel Aporro yelled at her. "Who are you anyways?"

"I'm Courtney Love, you asshole!" she slurred. "You pissed off my boyfriend, now I'm going to BLEEP you up!"

"Go back to your seat, Courtney!" Dordonii yelled.

"No, you promised me that you'd get me those drugs, and I'm BLEEP on edge!" Courtney continued to slur.

"You're dating Courtney Love?" Szayel Aporro said in an unimpressed tone. "From what I've read about her, she's like the most drugged up woman on the planet."

"That's precisely why I thought she'd make an excellent girlfriend. But she's proven to be more trouble than I hoped for." Dordonii said with a sigh.

"BLEEP you man, I'm gonna go make some more terrible noise, call it music, and sell it on the market to pay for my drugs!" Courtney Love yelled out as she stormed out of the audience.

"Well…that was completely random." Stark said aloud.

"Oh well, I guess I can get another girlfriend." Dordonii commented. "So Maury, what's Connie Chung up to today?"

"Well, I think she's broadcasting somewhere, why?" Maury replied, but noticed that Dordonii was already gone. "Oh well, let's get to the paternity results."

"Finally." Cirucci groaned.

"But before we get to Szayel's result…" Maury said.

"Szayel Aporro." He corrected.

"Whatever. He requested that we test the other one hundred and forty-six possible father candidates." Maury continued.

"What? I didn't even sleep with that many guys when I was in Hueco Mundo!" Cirucci exclaimed.

"We'll find out, won't we?" Szayel Aporro mused as the show went into another commercial break.

----------

Back at Karakura Town, it was nighttime, and the nightclub was absolutely packed for the celebration of Loli and Menoli's new doujinshi simply called "Wolf & Lamb". Most of the people inside the building were either dancing or conversing with each other. However, Ulquiorra simply sat at the bar and ordered drink after drink in an attempt to forget about the day.

Outside of the club, Halibel and Noitora finally arrived as they made their way to the front door. Halibel didn't need to flash her ID, as the doorman instantly recognized her and let her in immediately. However, the doorman grunted at Noitora until he took out his own identification. The doorman took it and rose an eyebrow.

"Your name is Nnoitra…with two ns?" the doorman asked.

"Yeah, but don't tell anyone. The name is seriously not cool, and my parents obviously hated me when they picked out my name." Noitora commented.

"Alright, you can go through." The doorman said as Noitora hurriedly put his ID back in his pocket and went inside. He saw Halibel at the bar, sitting beside Ulquiorra. Grinning, Noitora walked over to sit on the other side of him.

"What's the matter? Aren't you happy with your publicity?" Noitora said with a laugh.

"Just so you know, I still hate both of you." Ulquiorra said with a slight slur in his speech, causing Noitora to laugh even harder.

"That's alright. Just keep drinking your strawberry daiquiris, you little pansy!" Noitora countered, to which even Halibel smirked at. However, when Halibel saw someone else enter the nightclub, her smirk immediately turned into a grin.

"Well, well. Look who else has shown up." Halibel commented as she put a hand on Ulquiorra's shoulder.

"I do not want to know." Ulquiorra replied.

"Oh, c'mon, go dance with him or something." Noitora teased.

"I will not." Ulquiorra replied.

Before Halibel could blackmail him to go do it, Byakuya noticed the three at the bar and immediately vacated the premises. Noticing the man flee, Halibel turned to her subordinates, Appache, Mira Rose, and Sun-Sun.

"Go get him." Halibel ordered.

"Yes, ma'am." The three responded as they chased after him.

"Why do you get to have your subordinates here, but I don't get to have mine?" Noitora whined.

"Because my bitches are loyal." Halibel replied.

Shortly afterwards, the three women returned with fearful looks upon their faces, as they were not fast enough to catch Byakuya. Looking very displeased, Halibel pulled out three cell phones from her pocket and threw one at each woman. The subordinates yelped and ran off. Not long after that, the fatigue finally hit Halibel as she passed out on the ground. Noitora raised an eyebrow before picking the woman up.

"I do not even want to know what you're going to do to her incapacitated body." Ulquiorra said.

"What the hell, man? You think I would stoop that low?" Noitora said as he narrowed his eye.

"Yes." Ulquiorra immediately responded.

"Che, it's not any fun that way." Noitora commented. "I better get her to her own bed before someone else tries to claim her."

"She really does have you wrapped around her finger, doesn't she?" Ulquiorra mused, slightly influenced by his consumption of alcohol.

"Shut up!" Noitora sputtered as he dragged her out of the nightclub. "At least I'm not the one drinking stuff with fuckin' umbrellas in it!"

Ulquiorra blinked a couple of times before he finally told the bartender to give him a wine cooler instead.

----------

"In the case of Yammy being the father…" Maury said with some exhaustion, as he already read off one hundred and forty-five results, all of which tested negative. "…he is NOT the father."

"I could have told you that." Cirucci commented.

"Now finally, when it comes to the case of Szayel…" Maury started.

"Szayel Aporro." He corrected once again.

"I don't give a BLEEP. Anyways, you are…NOT the father." Maury said.

"HA! I KNEW IT, BITCH!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed as he tipped his head back and laughed with maniacal glee.

"The hell? Did some pink-haired faggot rape me at night then?" Cirucci wondered as she gritted her teeth.

"Just kidding. I felt like being a bastard today." Maury said with a slight grin. "You're actually the father. I just wanted to see your disappointed face after I revealed the truth."

"HA! I KNEW IT!" Cirucci screamed as she jumped out of her chair. "SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

"God, I hate my life." Szayel Aporro muttered.

"Man, this was totally worth it!" Stark exclaimed as he laughed along with the rest of the audience.

"What will you do now that you're the father, Szayel?" Maury said with a condescending tone.

Szayel Aporro finally snapped as the corners of his lips turned up in an angle that most thought was impossible for mankind to achieve. He slowly reached inside of his pocket and pulled out a gun of sorts. When Maury shifted his expression to one of fear, Szayel Aporro looked even more amused.

"I told you that the name was Szayel Aporro, god dammit." He said as he pointed the gun to Maury's more intimate area and fired a single shot. "And just so you know, when I fire this, it will only affect the area that it entered from. Since I shot at your dick, the toxins from the dart that I fired will slowly make their way through your member, and very slowly disintegrating it at a very sluggish pace. Oh, and it will hurt like hell too."

With that, Szayel Aporro left the stage to go backstage to look at his child. He heard footsteps behind him, but didn't bother to turn around.

"Don't you dare do anything to my baby!" Cirucci growled. Szayel Aporro only shrugged.

"She doesn't look big enough to make a decent meal anyways." Szayel Aporro commented.

"And just so you know, I already filed the papers so that we have joint custody over the child, since I moved in next door anyways." Cirucci informed.

"…what?" Szayel Aporro muttered.

"What? You think I'm going to take care of the kid all the time? Dream on, pinky." Cirucci said. "You're going to play a role in Nikita's life whether you like it or not, asshole."

Satisfied, Cirucci picked up Nikita, placed her in a stroller, and walked off with a little jive in her step. Szayel Aporro's gaze was momentarily directed toward Cirucci's rear, but then snapped out of it and started to curse under his breath. After a while, Stark joined him backstage.

"So, since you're her baby daddy and all, do you think that I could be the godfather?" Stark asked.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Szayel Aporro responded.

"Sweet. So now I can put dead horses heads in other people's beds and stuff." Stark commented happily.

"I don't understand anything that you said, but I don't care. Let's go home and see if everyone has had an exciting day as we have." Szayel Aporro muttered.

"Dude, today totally rocked." Stark commented. "But yeah, I guess it's time to go home."

----------

Back at the SHOGUNS house, Grimmjow had an apathetic look on his face, as both he and Orihime got ready for bed.

"Why does it feel like that all I did today was watch you eat?" Grimmjow commented.

"Because that is all that you did today." Orihime replied. "Because you got all paranoid over nothing."

"It's not normal, dammit!" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"You didn't seem to mind it when I was eating the banana." Orihime said.

"Well, that was pretty fuckin' hot, but my day was still wasted!" Grimmjow grumbled.

"I kept telling you that I was just in the mood for normal food, so it's not my fault that you didn't believe me." Orihime said with a slightly annoyed tone. "And besides, now I'm kind of hungry for my pickle flavored ice cream."

"…Pickle flavored ice cream?" Grimmjow asked.

"Yeah. Do you have a problem with that too?" Orihime said with a huffy tone.

"No…not at all." Grimmjow said. "I'm just relieved."

"Ah, that's good then!" Orihime said in a more cheery tone. "Did you want some too?"

"Hell no, I don't have the same fucked up taste in food that you do." Grimmjow replied.

"Alright, but you're missing out." Orihime said with a shrug and left the room. Sighing once in relief, Grimmjow laid back on his bed. However, there was still something that seemed off about Orihime today, but Grimmjow decided to forget about it. She was just having a weird day today. Or at least he hoped so.

----------

Meanwhile, back at Hueco Mundo, Aizen looked even more distressed than usual as he rested his head on a hand. Shutting the TV off in front of him, Gin only laughed a little.

"Hey Aizen, now yer a grandpa!" Gin teased.

"Please be quiet." Aizen muttered. "Besides, I'm still waiting on your explanation as to why you were one of the people tested on the show."

"I like to have some fun. You should too sometimes." Gin said with a grin.

"Go away." Aizen said.

"Oh fine. Yer such a spoil sport, y'know?" Gin muttered as he left to go outside of the room, running into Tousen. "Oh hey, since Aizen said that yer like the mother of this place, I guess that makes ya a grandma."

Gin chuckled a little more before he finally left the room. Looking slightly displeased, Tousen turned to Aizen.

"Why isn't it that we haven't had that guy killed yet?" Tousen asked.

"I don't know." Aizen said as he gritted his teeth, trying to ignore the fact that he could hear Gin yell out through the halls that he was a grandpa.

----------

Author's Notes

----------

Sorry this took so long to get out. I was dealing with a serious case of the writer's block and then I got addicted to Eyeshield 21 and was obsessed with reading the series. But hey, I read the entire manga within five days. And yeah, you can probably expect some kind of cameo in the future.

Anyways, if you hadn't guessed, I REALLY dislike Courtney Love. And my sister suggested that she be Dordonii's random girlfriend, so I wrote her in. And despite what I did to Maury in this chapter, I don't hate him, but hey, he definitely had it coming in the chapter.

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Question/Answer Time!

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TheShamanMaster writes:

"Hey, what about Stark's prediction? He said '' go back to the way things were'' does that mean they're going back to Hueco Mundo soon?"

My reply:

Err…sorry. I guess I should have made it a little clearer. I just simply meant that things were going to go back to normal as far as the human world goes. Aizen would probably rather cut off his own limbs at this point before he would allow the exiled Espada to come back.

Penguin Knight writes:

"This is doubtlessly the funniest bleach fic I have ever read. My only question is as such: how much will we be seeing of the soul society? We've only seen Byakuya and Yumichika.

Please update soon!"

My reply:

Why thank you! As for your question, you will definitely be seeing more people from Soul Society eventually. Hell, I'll probably even try to add all the important people in some way, shape, or form at some point. In fact, there will be a couple of Soul Society citizens in the very next chapter!

----------

In the next chapter of Worse Than Death, everyone knows that Ulquiorra is quite gay. However, Ulquiorra refuses to admit to this fact. Since everyone is tired of the Cuatro Espada living in the closet, everyone teams up to force him out! How will everyone work together? Will Ulquiorra admit to his true sexuality, or will he forever be a citizen of the closet? And why the hell did Renji and Rukia feel the need to make an impromptu trip to Karakura Town? Find out in the next cracktastic chapter of Worse Than Death!


	10. Chapter 10

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Ten

By Renegade Raine

----------

"I'm leaving." Ulquiorra droned as he gave his roommates in the SHOGUNS house a brief look before walking outside.

"Goodbye, Ulquiorra-san!" Orihime said cheerfully, looking away from the television long enough to wave to him. Once he was outside though, Noitora groaned and leaned back against the couch.

"You know what I really hate?" he asked.

"Ulquiorra?" Halibel spoke.

"Yep." Noitora confirmed.

"Yeah, I don't think that any of us like that bastard." Grimmjow commented.

"You guys are mean!" Orihime huffed. "He isn't that bad!"

"Not that bad?" Szayel Aporro said in a weird voice. "Whenever any of us break a single rule, Ulquiorra always had to go tell Aizen, no matter how minor it was."

"Well, Ulquiorra is a very rule oriented person." Orihime said.

"Alright, then what about the fact that Ulquiorra is always cold, no matter what you do?" Stark added.

"He's just shy." Orihime answered with a shrug.

"We're going about this the wrong way. Take into account that the man not only brutally beat your two escorts from Soul Society, but also purposely killed that friend of yours. Ichigo was his name, correct?" Halibel said.

"Well…okay. I guess he can be kind of mean sometimes." Orihime responded with a thoughtful look. "But maybe he does that because he's confused about himself.

"Confused? About what? His sexuality?" Grimmjow snorted.

"Pfft, everyone knows that the guy is queer." Stark commented.

"He is not! And that's a mean thing to assume about Ulquiorra!" Orihime protested.

"There's no assuming, love." Grimmjow said. "The guy's obviously had a hard-on for Aizen forever. But when it became obvious that Aizen was only power-sexual, he moved onto Yammi."

"Yammi? Why that guy?" Orihime asked.

"Because he's the one that seems the second most gay in the Espada." Grimmjow answered.

Orihime almost mentioned Szayel Aporro's name, but then instantly remembered Halibel's statement about him the night of her bachelorette party. Stark didn't seem gay at all, so that eliminated him. Noitora was always hitting on women, so that eliminated him. And she had definite proof that Grimmjow preferred women. However, there was still one more person.

"How about that guy that you um…destroyed?" Orihime asked.

"Eh? Luppi?" Grimmjow responded. "Yeah, he definitely seemed gay, but that guy was an asshole. Him and Gin used to play pranks on Ulquiorra and Tousen all the time. It was funny for the rest of us, but it turned Ulquiorra off."

"So were Yammi and Ulquiorra…um…?" Orihime trailed off.

"Screwing each other? No, even Yammi turned him down after Szayel's little whore girl came onto him." Grimmjow responded.

"Turned down by Yammi…that's got to burn." Orihime muttered to herself. "Wait, do you guys have any actually proof that Ulquiorra is gay?"

"You were there the night of the bachelorette party, weren't you?" Halibel spoke.

Orihime blushed as she remembered Ulquiorra and Byakuya mud wrestling with each other. Despite the fact that Ulquiorra was covered in mud, she was pretty sure that he was blushing too. Not that she really blamed him, since Byakuya was quite good-looking. It was then when the realization hit her.

"ULQUIORRA AND BYAKUYA-SAN ARE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER?!" Orihime shouted.

"Who?" Noitora asked.

"The captain of the Sixth Division." Halibel answered. "You really need to remember names better."

"I can't help it, dammit!" Noitora exclaimed. "I have a sadomasochistic-working mind! Hell, if it weren't for your brutal and kinky 'study' sessions, I would have never passed my GED test!"

"God dammit, THAT'S why you passed and I didn't?!" Grimmjow growled.

"Please don't tell me that you want to have 'those' kind of study sessions now…" Orihime blushed.

"Hell no! I'd rather be in that damned school of yours forever than to get into that kind of crap!" Grimmjow responded.

"Thank god." Orihime said with a relieved sigh. "Anyways, is Ulquiorra aware that he's gay?"

"No. During an indirect psychological examination of the Cuatro Espada, I found that the man is, in layman's terms, in the closet." Szayel Aporro explained.

"So he really IS confused." Orihime mused. "Poor guy, no wonder why he goes on so many walks. He's just trying to find himself in the highway of life…"

"If on the highway of life, you mean in the pants of Aizen, then I definitely agree." Grimmjow quipped.

"Grimmjow, knock it off!" Orihime exclaimed. "As I was saying, if we can help him to understand that part of him better, then he would be a happier person!"

"Why the hell would we want HIM to be happy?" Noitora muttered.

"Because maybe he'd be too busy with Byakuya to bother with the rest of you?" Orihime suggested.

"The girl has a surprisingly good idea." Halibel said.

"Agreed, it would not hurt to experiment with this, and see if he truly does become more lenient with the rest of us." Szayel Aporro said.

"Heh, I already know the result of this." Stark commented with a smirk. "Either way though, I'll totally work with you guys."

"Tch. Whatever." Grimmjow muttered. "Let's get the fairy out of the god damned closet once and for all."

"Yay!" Orihime cheered, but then suddenly got a weird look upon her face. "I…um…have to go to the bathroom!"

Orihime then quickly ran up the nearby stairs to the bathroom. Halibel wasn't sure why, but something seemed off about the girl's actions just then. Halibel stared after the girl, narrowed her eyes, and got up.

"I have to use the restroom as well." Halibel said as she calmly went up the stairs. Grimmjow watched her as he gave a mystified face.

"The hell? Girls are able to share the bathroom?" Grimmjow asked. Noitora looked over at him and gave a laugh.

"Oh how little you know about women." Noitora mused. "But not to worry, I know all about women, so I guess I can give ya some information, since we're friends and all."

"I don't remember being your friend." Grimmjow grumbled, but Noitora paid no attention to him.

"One of the most mystifying things about women to men is when they suddenly go into the bathroom into pairs, and sometimes groups." Noitora explained. "But through constant hypothesizing and experimentation, I found that when women go into bathrooms, they're actually performing lesbian sex with each other."

"WHAT?!" Grimmjow shouted, nearly choking on his own spit.

"It's true. Why the hell else would they go into bathrooms? Obviously us men aren't cutting it, so they decide to experiment on each other. At the same time though, they don't want us men to know, because women are shy creatures." Noitora continued.

"Not cutting it, my ass!" Grimmjow grumbled, stomping up the stairs.

"Wait…why the hell am I staying down here, explaining this shit to you anyways?" Noitora said and got up to run up the stairs as well. "This is going to be the hottest shit ever!"

Once Grimmjow got up the stairs and opened the door though, he looked more disgusted than angry. In the bathroom, Halibel brushed her hair. That part didn't bother Grimmjow. However, Orihime was seated upon the toilet seat.

"I didn't want to see that!" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"Then you shouldn't have opened the door." Halibel replied. "Really, what were you expecting?"

"Noitora said-" Grimmjow began, but then realized how idiotic he sounded just from saying those two words. "It doesn't matter! I didn't want to know that women did those kind of things!"

"What? Poop?" Orihime asked. "You didn't know that?"

"Stop talking about it, god dammit!" Grimmjow shouted.

"So you guys weren't having lesbian sex?" Noitora finally asked.

"No, you idiot." Halibel replied. "We're both straight. Why would we participate in such a thing?"

"But I thought…" Noitora said, but was cut off by Grimmjow punching him in the head. "Ow! What the fuck was that for?"

"For making me see the cold, hard truth, you asshole!" Grimmjow replied.

"Um…could you close the door please?" Orihime asked from the toilet. Grimmjow gave her a quick, annoyed look before slamming the door. Orihime gave a sigh and went off the toilet.

"Men." Halibel groaned. "Anyways, it's probably best that you lie low about the subject for now, until I can get you that thing."

"Alright." Orihime said.

"But if it's true, when are you going to tell him?" Halibel asked.

"I…I don't know." Orihime said with a sigh. "I get the strange feeling that everything is going to go wrong today."

"Sounds like every other day around here." Halibel muttered. "Anyways, to change the subject, what are you going to do about Byakuya? Since you don't know anything about him, none of us are going to know where to find that man."

"Well, I think I know a couple of people that can help…" Orihime answered as she took out her cell phone.

----------

"Renji, you know I can't do that!" Rukia said with exasperation.

"Why the hell not?" Renji asked. "I mean, we've known each other forever, so I don't see why you'd want to wait to get married at this point!"

"My brother is really protective of me, and said that it would lower the family name if I were to marry you!" Rukia explained.

"He said that?" Renji growled and then gave a sigh. "Sheesh…he's even more of a bastard than I thought before."

"Please don't say such things of my brother." Rukia huffed, but then noticed her cell phone was ringing. Picking it up, she looked at the caller ID. "Huh? Orihime-san?"

Rukia answered the phone and quickly left the room to be able to get some sort of privacy during the conversation. Renji peeked out of the window and was intrigued by how Rukia's expression quickly changed from normal, to peeved, to shocked, to thoughtful, and finally devious before she finally hung up the phone and came back inside the house.

"C'mon, we're going to the real world." Rukia said.

"Huh? What for?" Renji asked.

"Do you ever want to be able to marry me?" Rukia asked.

"Y-yeah! Of course!" Renji blushed.

"Then shut up and follow me!" Rukia answered. "Apparently Orihime and her friends have discovered something about my brother that not even I bothered to notice before."

"What? That he's gay?" Renji asked.

"What? How did you know?" Rukia said with a dazzled look.

"I convinced myself that it was only a coincidence." Renji explained. "I swear though, when I first joined the Sixth Division, your brother wouldn't stop staring at my ass!"

"Odd…that sounds out of character for him." Rukia commented. "But we better hurry and get my brother to realize that he's gay before he gets sued for sexual harassment."

"Agreed, let's go." Renji said, following Rukia out of the door.

----------

Coming back from his daily walk, Ulquiorra found it both relieving and somehow strange that he didn't run into his eternal enemy, Byakuya. At this point, he was used to the banter with the Shinigami captain, so he immediately knew that this particular day would not be to his liking.

As he approached the door to the SHOGUNS house, he felt a sudden chill go over his body, letting him know that something was definitely not right. When he walked in the house and saw that everyone in the house regarded him with a warm smile, he definitely knew that everything was wrong in the house at that moment. It was not strange to see Orihime smile like that, but seeing everyone else like almost scared him.

"What is wrong?" Ulquiorra asked. "Did somebody set a fire somewhere? Did Halibel and Noitora break my bed? Or did you all create another disgusting collection of drawings of your imagination of my sex life?"

"Oh Ulquiorra, do you have such little faith in us?" Noitora said with a very fake sounding attempt of sweetness.

"Yes." Ulquiorra responded, which nearly caused Noitora to go choke Ulquiorra in retaliation, but Halibel and Stark managed to restrain him.

"I know that everyone else has been really mean to you lately, so I made them all chip in to get you a reserved seat in your favorite teahouse in the privacy section!" Orihime explained. Since Orihime was completely in character to how Ulquiorra was used to, not to mention that Orihime was actually telling the truth on the matter, Ulquiorra accepted her explanation.

"I see. I will accept your gift then." Ulquiorra said.

"Wonderful, let us lead the way then!" Szayel Aporro commented, as everybody walked outside. Ulquiorra paused, knowing that something was definitely not right, but he thought that since Orihime was in on the deal, that perhaps they were being genuine. After all, the girl wasn't a corrupted creature like the rest of them.

Ulquiorra followed the group outside and watched as Halibel snapped her fingers, which somehow summoned a limousine to come rolling up to the front of the house. Ulquiorra blinked at the suddenness of the action before going into the enormous backseat with everyone else.

"I assume that the backseat was cleaned of all unpleasant stains?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I never use the same limousine twice." Halibel answered. "Besides, the only time Nnoitra and I screwed around in a limo was after the time we got those blackmail pictures of you and Byakuya by the drugstore."

"I…I did not wish to know that." Ulquiorra said and kept quiet the rest of the way to the teahouse.

When the limo reached the destination, everyone piled out and went into the building. Walking up to the lady at the front desk, Orihime put on a cheery face.

"He's here for the one o'clock reservation in the privacy room!" she chirped, motioning over to Ulquiorra.

"Oh wonderful, right this way then!" the waitress said, moving away from the desk to go to a secluded room in the back. She opened the sliding door and gave Ulquiorra a quaint smile.

Ulquiorra took a step, but then stopped, remembering that every other time that he had been to that particular teahouse, in recent memory, he had to go through some kind of trauma. However, since all of his housemates were in the area, he figured that he had nothing to fret about. Making his decision, he stepped into the room. He immediately regretted it when he heard Nnoitra snicker a little.

"Have fun, emo boy!" Nnoitra said in a singsong voice.

Knowing that something was up now, Ulquiorra attempted to go outside of the room, but Grimmjow quickly slammed the door shut. Ulquiorra scowled, although it was barely noticeable.

"Let me out. Now." Ulquiorra ordered.

"Go to hell." Grimmjow responded.

"Grimmjow!" Orihime protested and then sighed. "What he means is that he hopes that you have fun with your guest."

"…guest?" Ulquiorra asked.

As if on cue, the sliding doors on the other side of the room opened. In a split second, Renji and Rukia pushed Byakuya into the room. Both Ulquiorra and Byakuya attempted to escape from the room, but the door was shut quickly.

"What is the meaning of this?" Byakuya asked calmly.

"Brother, there are things that you need to realize about yourself." Rukia explained.

"I realize that I am in a room with an incompetent fool, who has a horrible sense of fashion." Byakuya droned. "Now let me out."

"I guess you misunderstood her, captain." Renji leered. "We're not lettin' ya out, until you admit your feelings for that other guy in the room."

"My feelings?" Byakuya said. "Surely, you must be joking."

"I do not know why the rest of you feel the need to sympathize with that trash, but since this does not concern me, let me out this instant." Ulquiorra said as he kept his gaze

"Oh, but it does concern you." Szayel Aporro inflected from the outside of the other side of the room.

"And why is that?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Because we're sick of your shit and you just need to admit that you're a f-" Grimmjow started to say, but Orihime put a hand over his mouth before he could finish the last word.

"What he means is that we all know that you're madly in love with Byakuya-san, and we all want you to be happy." Orihime said, causing the others around her to snicker a little. Orihime ignored them. "When you two admit your love for each other, then we'll let you out."

"The only feelings I have for that particular piece of trash is disgust for that hideous hairpiece." Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"Ulquiorra, besides myself, I thought you were the only sensible one in the Espada." Halibel calmly said. "But obviously, you must be an idiot if you're still in denial."

"I am not in denial." Ulquiorra protested.

"Oh yes you are." Halibel said. Before Ulquiorra could dispute against her though, her cell phone rang. Quickly she answered the phone, conversed very briefly, and then hung up the phone. "I'm going to go pick up something."

"I'm coming with. I'm already bored as hell." Noitora hissed.

"No, you stay here." Halibel commanded.

"But-"

"Do you really want to make me angry?" Halibel threatened, while narrowing her gaze.

"No, but-" Noitora exasperated.

"Stay here with the others." Halibel said. "And give me a call if you have to resort to plan B."

"Fine." Noitora groaned as Halibel turned away. Once she was out of the building, Noitora snapped around as he heard Grimmjow laughing at him.

"Now THAT'S what I'd call being pussy whipped!" Grimmjow taunted before laughing even harder, earning him a glare from Orihime.

"Grimmjow, you should really stop saying things like that!" Orihime chided.

"What do you mean? The fucker deserves it!" Grimmjow scoffed.

"Pot. Kettle. Black." Noitora commented impassively.

"You shut up! This isn't the same!" Grimmjow growled.

"Your woman is telling you how to talk now. I'd say you're pretty whipped too." Noitora said.

"Guys, don't you think that we should be keeping an eye on Ulquiorra and Byakuya-san?" Orihime spoke quietly, but she was ignored, as Grimmjow grabbed Noitora by the neck and pinned him against the wall. Grimmjow thought that he felt a weird sense of déjà vu, but he was too pissed off to care at the moment.

"I am NOT whipped, dammit!" Grimmjow snarled. Noitora only grinned.

"Y'know, Halibel does this to me sometimes." Noitora choked out. "You wouldn't think that autoerotic asphyxiation would be all that great from the description, but I'm totally hooked."

Disgusted, Grimmjow instantly removed his hand away from Noitora. Instead, he punched him in the stomach. Noitora countered by twisting Grimmjow's fist around. Orihime gave a sigh as the two then got into a full out brawl. She was about to step in, but she suddenly got a weird look upon her face, put a hand over her mouth and turned to Stark and Szayel Aporro.

"I've got to go to the bathroom again! Please keep an eye on Ulquiorra and Byakuya for me!" Orihime said hurriedly, before rushing to the bathroom. Szayel Aporro observed her, as a realization dawned upon him.

"Is she-?" Szayel Aporro asked, trailing off before he reached the last word.

"Yep." Stark replied, as he leaned against the door. "I was wondering when you'd figure it out."

"Interesting." Szayel Aporro commented and then turned to watch Noitora grab a chair and smack Grimmjow with it. "But not as mind-boggling of a fact that both of those idiots over there are ranked higher than me."

"Yeah, not even I can understand that fact." Stark said, as he watched Grimmjow pick up a teakettle and smashed it across Noitora's face. "Although you have your occasional meltdowns sometimes."

"I guess. You know what's REALLY puzzling though?" Szayel Aporro asked, as Noitora grabbed a random person to shield himself from a hit from a teacup.

"What's that?" Stark said, while watching Grimmjow take a teapot off of a tray of a walking waiter, and threw the hot, scalding water at Noitora's face.

"Why haven't we been thrown out yet?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"You know, I was wondering the same thing." Stark admitted, as both of them watched a fire form in the middle of the main area of the building with cool expressions.

Coming out of the bathroom, Orihime gave a horrified expression as she surveyed the damage in the café.

"Grimmjow, Noitora, stop please!" Orihime begged, but was met with deaf ears. Seeing that pleading wasn't going to work, Orihime narrowed her gaze and formed a shield between the two men to prevent any further fighting.

"Orihime…remove the shield." Grimmjow growled.

"No! I told you a couple of times before, but I've had it up to here!" Orihime exclaimed. "You need to quit being an asshole for once!"

The commotion in the teahouse instantly ceased, as everyone stared at the girl in awe, except for Stark, who only looked on in amusement. Orihime then turned around to Noitora.

"The same goes for you too!" Orihime said, pointing a finger at him.

"Yes…yes ma'am." Noitora mumbled and leaned over to whisper to Grimmjow. "The sex is always better when the chick's pissed off. So make sure you screw her tonight."

Grimmjow wanted to kick Noitora for that comment, but Orihime was watching him with an expression that didn't look pleased in the least. Finally, he gave a sigh and turned away as Orihime rejected the damage done to the teahouse with her powers.

"In the end, both Noitora AND Grimmjow are whipped. Big time." Stark commented. Szayel Aporro nodded in agreement.

"Shut up. My woman NEVER acts like this!" Grimmjow grumbled. "You'd be scared too if you were in my position!"

Szayel Aporro and Stark only pointed and laughed as Grimmjow sulked in the corner. Noitora sighed and sulked in the other corner of the room. Finishing up her restoration, Orihime turned around to the group of men with a smile.

"Now was that so hard?" Orihime chirped, to which Noitora and Grimmjow only grunted at. The moment of peace only lasted for a couple of seconds though, before crashing and banging could be heard in the privacy room. Hastily, Orihime rushed to the door and slid it open to find both Ulquiorra and Byakuya on the floor, unconscious.

"Wow." Noitora said with a raise of a brow. "I didn't know they were into the kinky shit."

"Not even those two know the sense of chivalry." Orihime said with a disappointed sigh.

"I'm just disappointed that they didn't kill each other off." Grimmjow scoffed.

"To plan B?" Szayel Aporro suggested.

"Looks like we'll have to resort to it. I'm feeling a little weak right now, but I'm sure you guys can carry the both of them, right?" Orihime said with a big smile.

The men didn't seem too excited about carrying Byakuya and Ulquiorra to the car, but Stark and Szayel went over to Ulquiorra and dragged him out to the limo waiting outside. After making a quick call to Halibel, Noitora was able to carry Ulquiorra out by himself. Grimmjow, however, detected that something was off and stayed by Orihime.

"So what the hell is your deal today anyways?" Grimmjow asked.

"What do you mean? I'm fine!" Orihime said with an obviously fake smile, to which Grimmjow only glared at. "Okay, okay, fine. I guess that…well…I haven't been feeling good all day."

"That's it?" Grimmjow said with a raise of his brow. "Then go home and get to bed."

"No, it's not that bad, honestly!" Orihime reassured him. "As long as there's a bathroom nearby, I'll be fine!"

Grimmjow then came to an epiphany, remembering the events of that morning, as well as the day before. He gave a sigh before looking back at Orihime.

"I guess it's all that food you ate the day before. Figures you'd get indigestion." Grimmjow groaned. "Do you want me to make one of the other guys get that pink stuff for you?"

"No, that's really not necessary!" Orihime exclaimed. "Besides, I really hate the taste of Pepto-Bismol!"

That was totally a lie, since Orihime actually really loved the taste of Pepto-Bismol, but she didn't want him to go off sending someone to get medicine that she really didn't need. Grimmjow accepted the answer though, as he rolled his eyes and turned to follow the rest of the group.

Orihime looked on with a forlorn expression and sighed. She didn't like having to lie to Grimmjow about her suspicions, but she was afraid of how he might act if she told him the truth. All she could do right now though, was wait for Halibel to deliver her item, which would clear up matters.

"So…uh…what's goin' on?" Renji asked with a silly expression, as he and Rukia stumbled out of a supplies room, while straightening out their clothes.

"Were you guys in there the whole time?!" Orihime asked. "I almost forgot that you two were here! There must have been some really neat things in there!"

"Oh, there sure was!" Renji replied with a lecherous grin, causing Rukia to elbow him in the stomach.

"We apologize for our lack of diligence in keeping guard on our side of the room." Rukia said with a slight bow of her head. "However, the…things in the supplies room were just too distracting for us."

"That's okay!" Orihime said. "We were sure that this plan was going to fail anyways. However, this next plan will push them to their limits!"

----------

A few hours later, Ulquiorra and Byakuya woke up to find themselves in a shoddy looking room, which consisted of the walls being entirely made of mirrors and the floor of a cheap looking white tile. In the corner of the room, a man was lying face down on the floor. The most interesting part of waking up though, was finding that a long chain handcuffed both Ulquiorra and Byakuya to each other.

"I wanna play a game." A gritty sounding voice said through an intercom in the room.

"I think I have seen this movie." Ulquiorra commented. "I did not want to see it, but everyone else in the house was watching it and had the surround system turned up to the loudest possible volume. If I remember correctly, one of us is most likely going to have to cut off our arm."

"Cut off your arm then." Byakuya responded.

"No." Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"Sheesh, you guys have no sense of humor!" the two heard another voice say, which seemed awfully familiar to Ulquiorra. "That voice changer thing is awesome though! 3"

"Urahara-san?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Yep, that's me! 3" he replied.

"Why are we locked in this room?" Byakuya asked.

"Oh, it's quite simple, really." Urahara explained. "You two can look all around, but there's no way out!"

"We apologize for not giving you a bed, but I'm sure the wall or the floor will be a sufficient enough space for you two to fulfill your carnal desires." Halibel spoke.

"Halibel?" Ulquiorra said, and then sighed. "That must mean that Noitora is there with you as well."

"Damned straight, emo-boy!" Noitora taunted. "But it's not just us three, all of us are here!"

"Even Orihime lowered herself for this?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I'm really sorry for having to resort to this!" Orihime said in an apologetic tone. "But I know you'll be much happier this way! And despite what Halibel-san said, you guys only have to kiss, and we'll let you out!"

"So I suppose you people are sick and twisted enough to have video cameras in here to broadcast this?" Byakuya asked.

"No, why would we do that when everyone in Karakura Town is watching you at this very moment?" Szayel Aporro answered. "You see those mirrors in your room? They're actually two-way mirrors. So while you two might only see yourselves, everyone outside here can see everything going on in the room right now."

"Just one more question…why is there a dead man in the room with us?" Ulquiorra asked.

"The lazy fucker isn't dead." Grimmjow answered.

"Huh? What's going on?" Stark grumbled as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"An unfortunate turn of events, I'm afraid." Szayel Aporro explained.

----------

Flashback

----------

After Noitora carried Ulquiorra into the room, Grimmjow and Orihime knelt down and adjusted one part of the handcuffs to him.

"Brings back memories, doesn't it?" Grimmjow leered. Orihime only blushed.

Stark and Szayel Aporro came in the room a couple of seconds later, carrying Byakuya into the room. Renji and Rukia entered the room as well, to adjust the handcuffs on him. Urahara popped his head into the room a few seconds later.

"You guys better hurry up, the time lock will activate in five seconds!" Urahara warned. Everyone in the room then finished their tasks and ran out of the room. However, Szayel Aporro noticed something and turned around and found that Stark had fallen asleep on the floor.

"Oh no! Stark hasn't taken a nap all day!" Orihime said. "We've got to get him out!"

"It's too late, the lock's already set." Grimmjow said and then shrugged. "The dumbass will probably sleep the entire time anyways."

"Yeah, I guess…" Orihime muttered.

----------

"So I'm stuck in the room until these guys kiss?!" Stark exclaimed.

"I'm afraid so." Halibel answered.

"Weak." Stark sighed.

"So am I correct in assuming that all of you talking to us are involved in this scheme?" Byakuya asked.

"Yes." Rukia's voice spoke. "Szayel Aporro designed this room, Urahara supplied us with the needed materials, and Halibel funded everything. Grimmjow, Noitora, Stark, Renji, and I all assisted in the construction of the room."

"So Orihime at least had the decency to not actively participate in this?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Are you kidding? She was the mastermind of it all." Rukia answered.

"Well, I wouldn't say mastermind…" Orihime spoke.

"Anyways, I think that's enough questions." Halibel said. "You two will somehow declare your romantic feelings for each other, or else you will be trapped in that room forever."

"I will do no such thing." Byakuya said.

"I thought you might say that." Halibel replied, and then turned a knob. "Thus, we have all sorts of controls that might…encourage you to think otherwise."

Ulquiorra and Byakuya didn't think too much of it at that moment, but within a minute, the room seemed very hot. Stark wiped his brow before pulling off his jacket and shirt, causing the women in the crowd gathering outside the room to squeal in delight.

"I don't have a problem being bare-chested in this room with you two, but if you're going to do some gay crap, please tell me, so that I can at least look the other way." Stark said.

Although the two other men in the room didn't want to submit to what the others obviously wanted them to do, it was too hot to sit in the room with all their clothes on. Finally, both took off their upper garments, ripped it enough for them not to be stuck on the handcuff chain, and set the clothing on the floor next to them. Stark, however, easily walked over and took their clothing on the floor, and walked back to his corner.

"Give us our clothes back. Now." Ulquiorra demanded.

"No way, man." Stark replied. "I just realized that I could totally make a pillow out of your guys' clothes."

"Let's leave them in their bare-chested glory for a while, so that the females may enjoy it." Halibel said outside of the room.

"Sure, they did pay good money to see this, after all!" Urahara responded.

Halibel then turned to Orihime and presented her with a small paper bag. Noitora was also in the room and looked on curiously.

"So what's in the bag?" he asked.

"None of your damned business." Halibel answered.

Noitora scowled, but then his eye went momentarily wide as an epiphany hit him, as he took into account the events of his recent memory.

"Wait…I thought about this all wrong." Noitora said to himself. "If you factor in what happens in most soap operas and chick flicks when this kind of thing happens, this means-!"

"Yes." Halibel answered.

"See?! I totally know women!" Noitora exclaimed.

"Well, at least you know them more than him." Halibel commented, watching as Grimmjow walked in the room. Orihime's face went pale for a second, before putting on another fake grin.

"What's in there?" Grimmjow asked.

"Uh…um…I need to go to the bathroom!" Orihime said nervously, rushing to the nearest one that she could find. Grimmjow watched her with a weird look, before turning around to Halibel.

"I know what's in there." Grimmjow said calmly.

"You do?" Halibel asked, with a hint of surprise in her voice.

"Yeah." Grimmjow replied. "You got her that pink medicine that tastes like crap, right?"

"…yeah. That's it exactly." Halibel replied.

"I figured. I tried that stuff once, after that woman made some weird shit, and I thought it tasted like crap. So therefore, I figured she'd love the stuff. She was probably just too embarrassed to ask me to ask someone else to get it for her." Grimmjow said.

"You dumbass!" Noitora hissed. "If you'd get your head out of your ass, you'd clearly see that she was-"

Halibel glared at Noitora with the evilest of eyes at that moment. Noitora gulped a little, but was downright terrified when Cock Slayer, the cat, crawled up Halibel's shoulder and glared at him at well.

"Clearly she's crapping her guts on the toilet right now!" Noitora said nervously.

"That's what I was alluding to, you idiot!" Grimmjow grumbled, and tried desperately to get the image out of his head.

"Nice save." Halibel said, after Grimmjow walked away.

"How long are you guys going to keep him in the dark anyways?" Noitora asked.

"I don't know." Halibel answered. "I'm not even sure if there's something to keep him in the dark about yet."

"Should we move onto Phase 2 yet?" Urahara shouted from across the room.

"Might as well, since Stark provided us with unexpected help." Halibel answered.

"Very well then! 3" Urahara exclaimed, as he turned the temperature knob down.

As soon as Stark detected that the temperature was no longer sweltering, he knew what was coming and put his shirt back on, and also used Byakuya and Ulquiorra's clothes to cover himself up. Byakuya and Ulquiorra looked at him curiously, but then noticed that it was getting very cold.

The two men tried to curl up into balls, to keep themselves warm, but that didn't do much. Finally, Byakuya sat up and put his arms around Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra blinked a couple of times and looked up at his grayish eyes.

"What are you doing?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Keeping myself warm. I would suggest you to do the same to me, if you also want to stay warm." Byakuya answered.

Ulquiorra didn't want to do it, but as it grew colder and colder in the room, he finally just put his arms around Byakuya and rested his head on his shoulder. The girls on the outside, in the meantime, went into a frenzy.

"I feel a little awkward." Ulquiorra said.

"Don't be." Byakuya said. "I have proven that I am completely heterosexual. Everyone seems to have forgot that I was married."

"About that, we didn't want to have to stoop to this level, but it looks like it's necessary." Rukia said, and then called Don Kanonji over. He performed a short ceremony, and the ghost of Hisana appeared in the room before Byakuya's widened eyes.

"Hisana!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, it's me." She replied.

"How is this even possible?" Byakuya asked.

"It's about as possible as dying from a disease when you're already dead." Hisana replied with a flat face. "Anyways, it looks like you found someone else. I'm glad."

"No, you have it all wrong." Byakuya explained. "Because I am not attracted to other men like that."

"Are you sure about that?" Hisana said with a raised eyebrow.

"You should know. I married you." Byakuya replied.

"But you never made love to me to me even once!" Hisana exclaimed.

"I…I didn't think you were ready." Byakuya reasoned.

"On our honeymoon night, I ran around the room naked." Hisana countered. "But you didn't look the least bit interested."

"I…was tired." Byakuya said.

"Not tired enough to play with your hair all night." Hisana said, to which Byakuya remained silent. "I mean I'm surprised that even you don't know. Your zanpakuto is a bunch of cherry blossoms, for Christ's sake!"

"The zanpakuto form was not my choice." Byakuya said.

"Yeah, alright." Hisana said with a sigh. "But in my time with you, I always knew that you were never completely happy with me. I knew you loved me in your own way, since you found and took care of my sister for me, in which I thank you for, but you were never attracted to me. So please quit lying to yourself and admit that you're in love with the man in your arms now."

"I will take it into consideration." Byakuya said, as Hisana faded out of the room, although he really wasn't going to.

"So how about it? Kiss or not?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"No." Ulquiorra responded.

"Alright, this seems like cheating, but it's time for the last phase. Stark, I'd suggest making yourself a mask out of your extra clothing now." Szayel Aporro said.

Following his advice, Stark quickly took off his extra layer of clothes and tightly wrapped it around his nose and mouth.

"Soon the room will fill with a non-lethal gas, which will act as a sort of aphrodisiac." Szayel Aporro said. "In other words, for each minute that you two do not kiss, the gas will slowly cause you two to grow more and more attracted to each other, until you get to the point where you'll be screwing each other's brains out on the floor."

The two men only figured that the pink-haired scientist was bluffing, until a few minutes later when they realized that their contact of skin on each other was feeling a whole lot hotter than it was before. Both of them immediately removed their hands off of each other and blushed.

"Should we just kiss now, before we do something a lot more embarrassing?" Byakuya asked. Ulquiorra blinked once before bringing his lips up to touch Byakuya's. What was originally intended to be just a quick peck though turned into a more passionate kiss as the gas continued to flow into the room.

Orihime watched as Byakuya threaded his hand through Ulquiorra's hair and blushed for a moment, before turning to the rest of the group.

"Guys, don't you think they've done enough?" she asked.

"Yeah, alright." Szayel Aporro responded. "I really don't want to watch them go at it anyways."

He then turned the gas knob off and put in a code to open up the door to the room. The whole group, including Renji and Rukia, then walked into the room to congratulate the two in discovering their newfound sexuality. However, they were all mystified when Byakuya and Ulquiorra suddenly started literately melting away before their very eyes.

"What the hell?" Renji muttered.

"Did you all enjoy the show?" the group heard a voice say from behind them. Turning around, they saw Ulquiorra, Byakuya, and another stranger in a black robe with red clouds on it.

"How is this possible?" Szayel Aporro asked with extremely shocked expression #376. "We saw all saw you remove most of your clothing, yet you're both here with everything on!"

"And who the hell is that guy with the weird face wrinkles behind you anyways?" Noitora asked.

"I am afraid to tell you, that you all have been deceived." Byakuya replied.

"And my name…" the stranger said behind him. "…is Itachi Uchiha."

"None of this still makes any sort of sense." Grimmjow sneered.

"Very well, let us explain." Ulquiorra said. Itachi then turned around to look at a curious angle.

"And for you people reading about these adventures at home, allow us to show you in flashback form." Itachi said.

"Whom exactly are you talking to?" Byakuya asked.

"The world is a large place, isn't it?" Itachi vaguely answered.

----------

FLASHBACK

----------

"So, it would appear that you have people on your side just as bad as Halibel and Noitora." Ulquiorra commented.

"I knew that Renji was never any good, but I did not expect this kind of embarrassment from the very woman that I adopted as my sister." Byakuya answered.

The two then remained silent as they sat at opposite ends of the table from each other in the privacy room in the teahouse.

"Perhaps we should put our rivalry aside for a while, so that we may get revenge on the people that have trampled on our pride." Ulquiorra suggested.

"I agree." Byakuya said.

"How do you suggest that we go about doing so though? The numbers are against us." Ulquiorra said.

"Indeed, that is a problem." Byakuya agreed.

Then at that moment, a large portal opened in the room, and a man with long, dark hair fell into the room. Ulquiorra and Byakuya looked on curiously as the man picked himself up from the floor. The stranger then eyed the room for a moment before looking at the others in the room.

"It would appear that I have been transported into another dimension." Itachi commented to himself.

"Who are you, and where are you from?" Ulquiorra asked.

"I am Itachi Uchiha. As far as where I come from…I do not know how to explain it to you in terms that you would understand." He answered. "I was in the middle of fighting my foolish little brother, and sensed that he was the better fighter of us both. But he was not a true Uchiha, do you know why?"

"No, I can not say that I follow you." Byakuya answered.

"It's because he lacked the Uchiha's ultimate technique…the Art of Run jutsu." Itachi explained. "It's a technique that you use only for the most desperate of situations. The danger of this technique was known to me, but I would have never imagined that I'd be transported into another dimension."

"I am still not following you." Byakuya said.

"No matter, I'll just test my newest technique, which will place you in a world of your biggest nightmare." Itachi said before making a strange sign with his hand. When nothing happened a couple of seconds later, Itachi looked upon them strangely. "Perhaps my powers don't work in this world."

"No, we are already living in our biggest nightmare." Ulquiorra explained as an idea came to his head. "But if you would kindly assist us, we can bring you a few targets to test on."

"Very well, I think us three will make a good team." Itachi said after some thought. "Come with me…I'll create shadow clones of you two to lure the others into the plan."

----------

"So this whole time, those were only clones of you?" Szayel Aporro asked. "I should have known, since my release's power is similar to this!"

"Yeah, you should have known…slut queen." Grimmjow snickered.

"Shut up! It's not my fault that my damned zanpakuto's name had to mean that!" Szayel Aporro growled.

"What were you three doing then this entire time?" Stark asked.

"We found a different teahouse." Byakuya answered. "We found that the three of us have a lot in common."

"So all three of you are in love now?" Orihime asked.

"Love? Far from it." Itachi replied. "During our tea drinking session, I did a psychological analysis and found that Byakuya and Ulquiorra both fall under the same sexuality as myself."

"Homosexual?" Noitora sneered.

"No. Self-sexual." Itachi explained. "For instance, Byakuya was clearly pressured into marrying, as he was part of a noble family, so therefore he married a woman that resembled himself in appearance. In summary, all three of us are too narcissistic to ever love anyone but ourselves."

"But he stared at my ass!" Renji exclaimed, pointing to Byakuya.

"The only time I ever stared at you was when I imagined daggers being thrown at your back." Byakuya fired back.

"I think that is enough questions." Ulquiorra said. "Itachi, please commence your experiment."

"Very well." Itachi deadpanned, and made a gesture with his hand. Within an instant, Stark, Szayel Aporro, Noitora, Halibel, Grimmjow, Renji, and Rukia were all in various stages of despair. Once Orihime came out of the bathroom, Itachi looked at her for a moment before turning to Ulquiorra and Byakuya.

"Shall I perform the jutsu on her as well?" he asked.

"She had a part in this, so yes." Byakuya replied.

"Then should I perform on…both of them?" Itachi asked. Byakuya and Ulquiorra looked at each other for a moment in surprise, but then looked back at their comrade with blank expressions.

"No, only the girl will be fine." Ulquiorra responded. Itachi nodded and performed his jutsu on her as directed. Once everyone was under the spell, the three looked at each other.

"Well…what should we do now?" Itachi asked.

"I should get both Renji and Rukia back to Soul Society." Byakuya responded. "After that though, I am up for criticizing everyone's sense of fashion at the mall."

"We will meet in an hour then?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Sure, I really don't want to wait around here for two hours while this jutsu lasts anyways." Itachi replied.

With that, the three parted from each other.

----------

TWO HOURS LATER

----------

"WHERE IS MY PENIS?!" Noitora screamed

Halibel watched in amusement as Noitora screamed in agony. She had been affected by the jutsu as well, but as soon as she saw Noitora topping her, she knew it was too ridiculous to be true and broke out of the spell. So for the past two hours, she amused herself by watching Noitora writhe on the floor. She also went through his billfold and found a very intriguing fact.

Finally, Noitora broke out of the jutsu and looked up to see Halibel looking down at him. He then suddenly reached his hand down to feel something before sighing in relief.

"Thank god…it's still there." Noitora assured himself.

"Welcome back, Noitora." Halibel said, and then narrowed her eyes mischievously. "Or should I say Nnoitra?"

"Where did you find this information?" Noitora scowled, to which Halibel presented his own ID to him.

"God dammit." Nnoitra muttered. "Now the whole world will know my retarded name."

"Indeed they will." Halibel mused as she walked away.

Elsewhere, Grimmjow wandered around as he amused himself by looking at other people's nightmares. Stark's was a little lame, as he dreamt that he had no pillows. Szayel Aporro though had dreamt that he had lost all of his intelligence and lived with an incestuous family in Alabama. Grimmjow's nightmare had consisted of him being bombarded with children that looked like Ichigo. But when he figured that the Shinigami would probably never get laid, he easily broke out of the jutsu.

After watching Szayel Aporro for over an hour though, he got bored and moved on to find Orihime. Unlike the others though, she did not beat the ground or writhe on the floor. She simply sat on the floor with her head rested on her knees and cried silently. Grimmjow didn't understand the emotion coming over him, but he knelt down to sit beside her.

"Don't leave me…please?" she muttered. Grimmjow stared at her incredulously. That's what she was so damned afraid of? Being alone?

"C'mere." Grimmjow sighed as he pulled her unconscious body closer to his. "Like hell I'm gonna leave you alone."

"Grimmjow?" Orihime spoke, as she woke up.

"About damned time you broke out of it." Grimmjow muttered.

"Grimmjow, when I told you earlier that I wasn't feeling well, I didn't tell you the full truth." Orihime said softly.

"I know, you had indigestion, right?" Grimmjow said with a roll of his eyes. "You don't need to tell me more than that."

"No, that's not it!" Orihime exclaimed.

"It's not?" Grimmjow asked.

"No, Halibel suspected something, so she got me this and well…I'll let you see." Orihime explained as she showed Grimmjow some weird device with a plus sign on it.

"What the hell is that?" Grimmjow asked.

"Grimmjow…I'm pregnant." Orihime finally admitted. Grimmjow remained silent for nearly a minute as his brain processed everything.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT?!" Grimmjow shouted, which caused the other housemates to look at him.

"You just NOW figured that out?" Szayel Aporro asked. "That was the most obvious thing ever."

"Wait…all of you knew?" Grimmjow asked.

"Well, I can see the future, so I knew before she started showing signs." Stark said. "But I think that even I would have figured it out without my power."

"Women's intuition." Halibel explained. "I thought something seemed off when she went to the bathroom this morning, so I followed her and put two and two together. I then called one of my associates and had them set me aside the fastest working pregnancy test possible."

"I figured that even an idiot like you would figure it out when her mood swings were all over the place, not to mention she ran to the bathroom often." Szayel noted.

"And since I know all about women, from their stupid soap operas and chick flicks, even I figured it out." Nnoitra said.

"Even that Itachi guy figured it out." Orihime said with a sigh. "It really should have been obvious."

"Oh fuckin' hell." Grimmjow muttered as he sunk his face in the palm of a hand. "I'm going to be a father."

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Author's Notes

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Sorry for the long wait everyone, but as you should have noticed, this was one long ass chapter. And for the love of god, I'm not singling anyone out, but please don't hound me for the next chapter!

The story might seem really random, but it requires a shitload of brainstorming to try to figure out how I can take it to the next level. Plus factor in my desire for writing angst, the fact that I work five to six days a week, my mother who nags about nearly everything, the fact that I'm practically acting as the mother of my youngest brother, and that when I do go on the computer, I'm usually kind of exhausted. I don't expect or want a pity party because of it, as I love writing and I'm flattered that this story has become so popular. But it just irks me a little when people will accuse me of being lazy (which I am, EXCEPT for writing) or merciless (which I am, if you really have it coming).

Anyways, I don't like ranting, so let's move on to other stuff.

To the yaoi fans, yes, I know I'm an evil bitch. Gyahahahahahahaha!

Pretty much all of you guessed (and I'm glad my not so subtle hints in the previous chapter were picked up on), but yeah, Orihime is totally pregnant.

First of all, to those who might be confused, Itachi Uchiha is a character from Naruto. And like Ichigo, he'll most likely be a recurring character in this story, meaning he'll show up every once in a while, but not all the time. As for the "Art of Run" jutsu, it's kind of an inside joke, basing off the fact that every Uchiha so far has a tendency to run away. A lot.

To those of you not further along in Bleach, Grimmjow referring to Szayel Aporro as "slut queen" is from the fact (and I'm not lying here) that Szayel Aporro's zanpakuto's name translates to "Slut Queen". Oh Kubo, it's like you're writing this shit for me! XD

Oh, and Ulquiorra and Byakuya waking up in "Plan B" was a direct reference to the first SAW movie.

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Question/Answer Time!

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The Masquerade Moth writes:

"But what was Stark talking about when he said, "So now I can put dead horses heads in other people's beds and stuff."? That really confuzzled me."

My reply:

I KNEW I forgot something last chapter! I figured at least one person wouldn't get the reference and I forgot to put it in my notes. Anyways, that reference is from The Godfather movie. I haven't actually seen it (although I really want to), but I hear there's a scene where a guy wakes up next to the severed head of a horse.

Candy Bomber writes:

"Grimmjow working back in music... that's the best XDD I myself am a little crazed when I go through the whole membership shpiel too."

My reply:

Okay, it's not actually a question, but I had to note that I totally know what you mean. It's gotten to the point where I can say the whole spiel without even realizing what I'm saying. Oh the things I do for work.TT

Kitty8688 writes:

"I do wonder if Noi. and Halibel are actually having some kind of thing in the Manga series... And also, i kind of forgot how Noi. was labeled as a perv...? I have been thinking about it for quite some time now- and I forgot why was he labeled as that..."

My reply:

Well, unless you count the scene in the manga where Nnoitra is all like "Lawlz man, those guy look weak" and Halibel is like "Bitch, didn't you hear what Aizen-sama just said? Don't underestimate them."

Well, okay, it didn't go exactly like that, but afterwards Noitora is all like "I didn't mean it like that, for fuck's sake! Are you scared, or something?", to which Halibel replies with "…". So no, unless Halibel jumps in and saves his ass from Neliel sometime in the future, I don't think anything is going on there.

As for your other question, here's the excerpt from chapter 249:

Nnoitra: So how was she doing? That pet-sama?

Ulquiorra: Nnoitra.

Nnoitra: I know what you are up to. You've been ordered by Aizen-sama to look after that woman, right? I'm so envious!

Nnoitra: So…just how much did you "teach" her.

Ulquiorra: …disgusting.

Oh Nnoitra, I loves you, ya violent, evil pervert. 3

Of course, I've also had a fetish for eye patches, long dark hair, skinny guys, and long tongues for a while, even before the guy showed up. . ;

Anyways, on the next chapter of Worse Than Death, Michael Jackson has gotten himself into yet more trouble! Uh oh! So what can the fallen star do? Kidnap Nnoitra and force him to act in his place! Elsewhere, Grimmjow and Orihime go shopping in Tokyo for their expected addition of their family! Will Halibel step up to the plate to keep her favorite bitch? Who is the devilish man that strangely resembles Grimmjow? Will Stark and Szayel Aporro actually do something noteworthy? Find out in the NEXT cracktastic chapter of Worse Than Death!


	11. Chapter 11

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Eleven

By Renegade Raine

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As he scanned through the magazine section of the local Barnes & Noble, Nnoitra ignored the strange looks from other customers as he tore the plastic covering off of distinguished publications, such as Playboy and Penthouse, and scanned through them. A couple of people tried to tell him that he couldn't do that, but he just told those people to "Fuck off and die". Finally, after a while, a manager of the store came up to him.

"Sir, you need to pay for that magazine before you take it out of the plastic covering," she informed.

"Well goddamn, don't you think that a man has a right to see if the chicks in these things are worth looking at before buying the magazine?" Nnoitra asked.

"Well…sure, but-" the manager interjected.

"There's not one reason why I shouldn't be able to preview what I'm buying, right?" Nnoitra cut in.

Finally, in frustration, the manager picked up her phone to call either another manager or the cops, but before she could do that, a couple of men in black suits came up to her and handed her a wad of hundred dollar bills.

"We were watching his behavior with our client in the Disney magazine section, and we sympathize with this man's cause." One man said. "Take this money, as it should pay for that man's magazines. Keep the rest for yourself."

"Well…okay…thanks, sir," she said, as she quickly pocketed the money and walked away.

"So are you into the girlie books too?" Nnoitra asked the suited men, and then handed them the stack of magazines. "You guys can have them, the magazines aren't kinky enough for me."

"Actually, we'd like to have a word with you outside," one of the men said.

"Oh hell no, whenever somebody wants to talk with me outside, it either ends up in a drug deal, attempted rape, me crying on the inside, or a combination of the three. I'd rather not deal with any of those options tonight." Nnoitra said with a scowl. He attempted to walk away, but was prevented from doing so when a man on each side of him gripped his arm, forced him outside, and then into a waiting limo. Before Nnoitra could ask another question, he felt something strike the back of his neck, causing him to lose consciousness.

When he woke up a couple of hours later, he was temporarily relieved when he found himself in a large and comfortable bed, but sneered when he saw that his hands were in chains. He rolled his one good eye before trying to get out of the restraint.

"Goddamn it, Halibel! You promised me that you would be the one in restraints this time!" Nnoitra shouted, despite the fact that she never made a promise of that kind in her life.

When the same man from the bookstore came in the room instead, Nnoitra was visibly pissed off.

"Halibel!" he roared. "I am NOT going to sleep with another guy for your enjoyment! One of the only rules we made, as far as our kinky little games go, was that there were to be no threesomes of any sort, unless it involved you, me, and something from the stash of stuff you have lying under your bed!"

"I hate to spoil your fun, sir, but the supermodel Halle Berry is not involved with this in any way, shape, or form." The man spoke in a stern voice.

"Really?" Nnoitra asked with genuine surprise, but then sneered. "Then why the hell am I in these chains?"

"To make sure you won't run away." He answered.

"What don't you want me to run away from?" Nnoitra asked, already not liking the situation he was in. When another person walked into the room and Nnoitra wasn't even able to tell whether it was a male or female, his last hopes were lost.

"Well, you see my client here, Michael Jackson, has gotten himself into a whole bucket of hot water, due to his fascination with children. However, we don't think we can pay his way out of a guilty verdict this time, so we need someone to take the fall." The man explained. "We saw you at the bookstore, and we decided that you'll do Mr. Jackson's jail time for him."

"Son of a bitch," Nnoitra muttered as two other men held his arms as they let him out of restraints. Normally getting out of restraints was a good sign for him, but right now he had never wanted to cry as much as he wanted to at that very moment.

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Normally, Grimmjow would have been annoyed to ever step foot in a mall again, especially after his short-lived career as a music seller at a Barnes and Noble. That was not, however, what ticked him off today. He wasn't even bothered by the fact that Orihime convinced him to go all the way to Tokyo to have more access for buying items for their future baby. The reason he stood scowling at that moment was because Orihime held up a fuzzy pink onesie, decorated by a cute kitten, with lettering that said "My Daddy is the Bestest!"

"What's wrong with this one?" Orihime asked with a sigh. "I thought you'd like this one. After all, it has a cat on it, and your released form looks like-"

"I do not look like a fucking cat!" Grimmjow growled, but immediately calmed down a little when Orihime gave him a disappointed look. "Sorry, but it's a sensitive subject. Anyways, there are a lot of things wrong with that. First, we don't know whether the kid will be a boy or girl, so pink might make him look like a pansy if he's a boy. Two, using words like 'bestest' will make my spawn look like a dumbass. Three, as I said earlier, I'm sensitive about that whole cat thing."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Orihime said as she scratched her brow in embarrassment. "Alright, fine. We'll go and buy our baby clothes from Hot Topic then."

"Good, I can deal with their clothes." Grimmjow grumbled as Orihime put the onesie back on the shelf. As the two left the store a couple of minutes later, Grimmjow continued to complain about how much he hated the clothes in the store as Orihime tuned him out a little and looked ahead. She thought she heard an awful lot of swearing ahead of her, so she looked across to a sports store of some sort.

"I can't believe the fuckin' shrimps destroyed all the equipment!" a male voice grumbled.

"You blackmailed the principal for the money, so why does it matter?" a female voice asked.

"Fucking manager." The man scoffed, as Orihime finally looked across the mall to see a tall, skinny man with blond, spiky hair, feral-looking eyes, and elf-like ears scowling at a smaller woman with short, brown hair. "The damned shrimps should've got the equipment themselves!"

"Really, Hiruma-kun, you should go easier on everyone." The woman said with a sigh. "And my name is Mamori Ma-mo-ri. Not 'fucking manager!"

Coming to an epiphany, Orihime stood still as she looked at the couple across from them. Even if the male's blond hair was far from the color of her husband's blue hair, the way the two arrogantly walked with their hands in their pockets, the irritated expressions on their faces, and the fact that their face shapes were very similar was enough for Orihime to see the resemblance between the two. When she then looked at the female beside him, trying to calm him down, it was then when Orihime came to a sudden conclusion.

"Grimmjow, look!" Orihime exclaimed, pointing to the couple across from them. "It's us from another dimension!"

"Eh?" Grimmjow said with a raised brow. "How many times do I have to tell you, woman? There's no such thing as other dimensions…well…aside from Hueco Mundo and Soul Society."

"When will you get it right?" Orihime huffed. "My name is Orihime, Or-i-hime, not woman!"

"What's your problem? You never used to get mad about that!" Grimmjow growled.

"It's because you've had a bad attitude all day!" Orihime exclaimed.

The two looked away from each other, so they didn't see the female across from them looking at Orihime with a sympathetic expression. She had to deal with that kind of crap all the time from Hiruma, so she could understand her pain. She was sure that she probably had the same trouble from the people around her, accusing her of having a relationship with that guy, when she clearly didn't even like him.

However, when Grimmjow sighed, grabbed Orihime, and kissed her hard, Mamori's face visibly paled. She then looked up and saw that the two were walking out of a baby clothes store and blushed. Hiruma noticed her expression and raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell had her so bothered and looked across to where her vision was aimed.

At first, he thought that maybe Mamori was thrown off by the humongous breasts that the female had, but when he looked at the male who towered over her, and donned a surprised expression of his own before masking it with his usual demonic grin.

"Kekekeke…" Hiruma cackled, causing Mamori to snap her head in his direction.

"Do I want to know what's going through your head right now?" Mamori asked warily.

"You wanted to know about my family, fucking manager?" Hiruma grinned. "Well, that fucking blue-hair over there is my older brother. Turns out he's not dead after all."

----------

Meanwhile, back in Hueco Mundo, Tousen was again fleeing through the halls of Hueco Mundo away from Gin. This time, however, he was running because Gin was chasing him with an oversized mallet and trying to hit him over the head with it, while singing the hammer power-up song heard in the original Donkey Kong and Super Smash Brothers games.

"Gin, stop this now!" Tousen yelled back. "This behavior is not appropriate for a superior such as yourself!"

Gin didn't seem to give it any mind though, since he continued to manically chase after him, all while humming the song. As he turned the corner though, he didn't realize that Zommari Le Roux was also walking among the halls of Los Noches until his hammer crashed against his head. Conveniently, right at that moment Aizen walked out of the throne room and surveyed the scene with a sigh.

"If there's any sort of commotion going on, surely Gin is the one behind it." Aizen said in dismay, and then turned to the fallen Zommari. "Zommari…are you alright?"

Zommari opened his eyes, and Aizen sighed in relief. However, he then picked himself up with a goofy grin.

"I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a, I love to sing-a!" Zommari sang in a low voice. Aizen and Gin warily looked at the tall Espada for a brief moment before the sound of Gin's laughter broke the silence, followed by the sharp sound of Aizen smacking his hand against his head. After a moment, Aizen adorned a firm expression, created a garganta, and pointed his finger at it.

"YOU," Aizen directed at Zommari. "Real world. NOW."

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Elsewhere, Szayel Aporro was well aware of the knocking at the front door, but did not make a move to answer it. He had hoped that the person on the other side of the door would go away, but the knocking only continued. Eventually, Stark looked up lazily from playing Guitar Hero 3 and gave Szayel Aporro an irritated look.

"Could you answer that? I'm trying to beat medium mode on this damned game!" Stark grumbled.

"It's because you refuse to stand up while you play. Just face it, Grimmjow is the only one of us that has and will ever be capable of beating every song on that game on expert with perfect ratings." Szayel Aporro responded.

"Well yeah, I know that." Stark said. "But don't change the subject, go answer the damned door. It's seriously getting annoying."

Szayel Aporro then looked at Halibel, who was seated on a love seat, filing her nails. She sensed that the pink-haired man was staring at her, so she turned her head to glare at him.

"Don't look at me, it's your own problem." Halibel spoke. "We're both higher ranked than you, so deal with it."

With a sigh, Szayel finally answered the door and gave a sour look as he glanced upon Cirucci's condescending face. She handed him baby Nikita, along with her stylish diaper bag (which she had bought with Szayel Aporro's money, of course), and gave an amused look as she noticed Szayel Aporro inspecting her new attire, which consisted of a white jacket, which left quite a bit of cleavage for showing, along with a matching white mini-skirt.

"I presume it's Look-like a-secretary Day at the whorehouse?" Szayel asked dryly.

"It was a strip club, not a whorehouse!" Cirucci scoffed. "Besides, I quit that place, since I don't want my baby to follow in my footsteps and get knocked up by some guy she absolutely hates."

"So if you're not working, why am I taking care of it again?" Szayel Aporro asked, ignoring the miffed glance that Cirucci gave him.

"Sure, I might not be able to sit on my ass all day and make inventions to carve my living, but I DO have a job, you idiot!" Cirucci said with a scowl and then lifted her face up arrogantly. "Just so you know, I recently got hired at the local research institute."

"Nice try, whore, but even Yammi could tell you that you don't have the intelligence for a job in science." Szayel Aporro said with a smirk.

"Go to hell." Cirucci growled. "Besides, you don't NEED to be smart to get a job as a receptionist."

"Ah, I see." Szayel Aporro said with a nod. "You're planning on screwing your way to the top."

"No, you ass! I'm not a 'whore' like you claim I am!" Cirucci exclaimed. "My intentions are to use my good looks and shapely figure to my advantage, so that I may smuggle documents and materials, so that our daughter may learn the latest technological secrets before anyone else and become an even better scientist than you!"

"What makes you think that this child even has the capability of surpassing a genius such as me?" Szayel Aporro asked with an arrogant grin.

"She solved a Rubik's cube in fifteen seconds." Cirucci stated.

"A Rubik's cube isn't hard to figure out when all the colors haven't been mixed around," Szayel Aporro said with a roll of his eyes.

"I did mix the colors! I even did it seven different times to make sure it wasn't just a weird coincidence!" Cirucci shrieked. "Just face it, with her advanced hand-eye coordination and potentially superior logic, she WILL surpass you!"

"Whatever," Szayel Aporro muttered. "Is there anything else I need to know about her?"

"Oh yeah, she has a weird habit of chewing on people, and if she gets fussy, just put in Dawn of the Dead…for some reason, she loves that movie." Cirucci shrugged. "Anyways, I'll be late on my first day if I don't go now, so have fun with her!"

Cirucci then turned to leave while Szayel Aporro cursed her under his breath, although his eyes did not scorn her as they glanced upon Cirucci's departing form favorably, before slamming the door shut. He stood silently for a moment, looking at Nikita in his hands, who also gazed at him curiously.

"Halibel, you're a woman…how do you change the diapers on these things?" Szayel Aporro suddenly spoke.

"…I'm going to find something else to do that doesn't involve being in this house." She replied while quickly getting off the couch and dialed a number on her cell phone as she left the house. Szayel Aporro sighed and walked into the living room with his child.

"Stark, do you know anything about changing diapers?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Oh hell no." Stark replied, not moving from his video game.

"You still owe me for dragging me onto the Maury Show and getting me into this mess." Szayel Aporro said.

"Fine…did your kid take a crap or something?" Stark grumbled, turning off the Playstation 3.

"No, but I like to take precautions." Szayel Aporro answered.

"Well, if your kid is as smart as your baby mama says, then there's absolutely no reason why you can't potty train her." Stark shrugged. Szayel Aporro gave him expression #397, which was also known as one of his many glares of dubiousness. However, his lips slowly curved upward, and his eyes brightened as he considered the possibility.

"I'm well aware of the fact that most human children aren't potty trained until somewhere between the ages of two and five, but this is no ordinary child! Alas, this is a child of what was former Arrancar blood! This child is superior to a mere human child! Not superior to a genius, such as myself, but superior nonetheless!" Szayel Aporro explained, causing Stark to sigh.

"There you go again on one of your repeating spiels." Stark mumbled.

"This child is only at the mere age of six months, but already she's a thousand steps ahead of everyone in evolution! It's times like these when I'm glad I didn't have my offspring as a snack! For I shall prove to everyone, once and for all, why I, Szayel Aporro, am-" Szayel Aporro continued, but was immediately cut off by Nikita, who promptly began to gnaw on his hand.

"Thanks kid, I owe you one when you get older," Stark said with amusement.

"Damn kid!" Szayel Aporro cursed, nursing his fingers. Stark only laughed at him until he noticed Szayel Aporro glaring at him unfavorably.

"Alright, so how are we gonna teach this girl to crap in the toilet and not in her diaper?" Stark sighed.

"I already have it all planned out," Szayel Aporro proclaimed. "This spawn of mine shall simply be seated upon the throne in the restroom until she relieves herself."

"That's a pretty simple plan," Stark said with some doubt, but then shrugged. "But what the hell, I like things best when they're simple."

---------

Knowing that the others were probably taking part in idiotic things that likened them to the rest of the trash on Earth, Ulquiorra figured that he was better off away from them. So when Byakuya asked if he wanted to come along with he and Itachi to get their hair conditioned at the most expensive hair salon in town, he at first declined, as the humans who worked there were not worthy enough to touch his hair, not to mention that he didn't want to admit that he probably didn't have enough spare cash to pay for a mere conditioning job. However, when Byakuya then told him that Itachi had used his Sharingan powers to not only get out of paying, but to also make the hair stylists forget that they had even touched hair as perfect as theirs, Ulquiorra changed his mind.

He and Byakuya were sworn rivals, but after countless times of being blackmailed by the others (although Halibel and Nnoitra were almost always behind it), they figured it was time to bury the hatchet, and formed an alliance with Itachi, who seemed to relate the two of them. Since then, the three began hanging out around town, doing such non-trashy things such as drinking tea at the best teahouses (and not getting disturbed, thanks to Itachi's powers), insulting people's fashion sense at various public places, and complaining about how unsophisticated the world that they lived in was (although it was mostly Ulquiorra and Byakuya doing the complaining, while Itachi sat quietly and nodded).

"So you guys really don't want anything more than to get your hair conditioned?" a woman at the hair salon asked.

"If you do anything else to our perfect hair, I'll cut your hands off." Byakuya scoffed.

"It's okay, we understand!" the lady responded in a strangely chipper matter.

"Don't worry, they will not do anything I haven't commanded them to do," Itachi spoke.

The three were then led to neighboring seats, as their hair was being rinsed for the conditioner. All of them then relaxed a little, before they started talking, doing their usual game to see who had the worst week.

"I have to deal with my housemates who are worse than trash." Ulquiorra started. "In fact, Nnoitra and Halibel did things to my room that I do not want to repeat now."

"Perhaps you should humiliate them by publishing a tell-all book and name it 'Worse Than Trash'. It would be detrimental to Halibel's career after all." Itachi suggested.

"No, the worse the rumors are surrounding her, the more popular she becomes." Ulquiorra said with the tiniest of frowns.

"Well, I can top you this week," Byakuya stated.

"It's statements like those that make every one else think that you two have a relationship, you know." Itachi said. When both of his companions glared at him emotionlessly though, he put his head back.

"As I was saying, I got hired as a dishwasher. I think the severity of it's detriment on my mental state is self-explanatory." Byakuya continued.

"Indeed, a job where you actually work with trash would be stressing on a psychological level." Ulquiorra agreed. "How about you, Itachi?"

"Actually, my week was quite beneficial to me." Itachi answered. "I received my doctorate's degree in psychology."

"And I am guessing that you used your eye power to obtain that degree?" Byakuya questioned with an impassive stare.

"Of course." Itachi confirmed. "But only because I knew everything that the professors were already teaching. Now, I can set up my own psychology office and force people to pay me to diagnose them with a psychological condition that will be passed to them through my Sharingan."

"If I weren't so desensitized to other people's needs through my mistreatment by Captain Yamamoto, I'd make a stand against you," Byakuya said.

"I realize this, but as you said, you're not going to go against me, correct?" Itachi replied.

However, before Byakuya could respond, the bell by the door rang, although Ulquiorra, Byakuya, and Itachi paid no mind to it at first. When a tall individual stood in front of them though, all three looked upon him curiously.

"Zommari Le Roux?" Ulquiorra asked. "Finally, one of the more tolerable members of the Espada is here. I hope you're here to tell us to come back to Hueco Mundo?"

Zommari did not respond though, and instead looked over to Byakuya, recognizing him instantly. He stood motionless for a moment, but then suddenly pointed to him with a big grin on his face.

"Wait…I think I vaguely remember your face." Byakuya said thoughtfully. "What was your name again?"

"Wheeeeen yourrrr foot moves ahead, without your permission, that's amooooooore!" Zommari sung, in the tune of Dean Martin's "That's Amore". Both Ulquiorra and Byakuya looked upon the former Espada with disbelief, as the normally calm and quite boring man was now singing in tune to an old, classic song. To make matters worse, it seemed as though Aizen hadn't even bothered to make the man a gigai, as the people in the salon were being controlled by his "amor" power to frolic around the building with him, while providing back-up vocals to his parody of a song.

Although the scene also confused Itachi, his power of indifference seemed to be stronger, as he kept a calm face, trying to figure out the meaning of the scene before him. Byakuya was the most confused of all, as he was sure that he had defeated the man in combat, but now here he was, singing in the way that actors did in the musicals his former wife used to watch.

"What is the meaning of this?" Byakuya asked, turning his head to Ulquiorra.

"I don't know, but I have a feeling that bastard Gin is behind it." Ulquiorra answered.

Unknown to them, Gin sneezed for a brief moment in Hueco Mundo, before he continued to chase Tousen with a mallet.

Finally getting frustrated with the commotion, Ulquiorra sat up from the chair, without even bothering to have his hair dried, and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Itachi asked.

"Back home to warn everyone else," Ulquiorra answered. "There is no way this guy is moving in with us."

----------

At the Neverland ranch, Nnoitra looked in disbelief at the two men in black suits as they tried to teach him how to dance like Michael Jackson. He didn't mind the fancy little footwork and the twists and spins, but when they started to grab their crotch, Nnoitra had enough.

"Alright, I thought it was stupid enough when you guys said you chose me because I was white and skinny, and I thought it was retarded when you guys drew an eye over my eye patch with a black Sharpie when I pointed out that Michael Jackson has two eyes, but now you guys seriously believe that the media will believe that I'm Michael Jackson just by doing some queer little dance?!" Nnoitra was exasperated. "God, my colleagues claim that I'm stupid, but compared to you guys, I'm a genius!"

"Shut up!" one man exclaimed. "The media IS stupid, so perhaps you're the one that's uninformed!"

"So your client hasn't been handed the guilty verdict yet, right? So why aren't you investing your time by hiring a lawyer, or something?" Nnoitra asked.

"Well, we were going to," the man admitted. "But then we found that the prosecutor that they hired is this weird guy that wears some kind of visor and drinks a lot of coffee."

"So?" Nnoitra asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

"Apparently the guy has a close to perfect record in the court!" he exclaimed. "And the only couple of times that he lost were when the real culprit of the crime confessed in the courtroom!"

"They must have been dumbasses," Nnoitra muttered. "But how do you know that Michael Jackson isn't guilty? I mean, the guy was a pimp back in the day, right? So why would he stoop down to children? That guy could have as much ass as he wanted to!"

"You would think that, wouldn't you?" the man sighed. "However, the evidence is against us, unfortunately."

"Let me talk to this Jackson guy." Nnoitra said with a groan.

"I'm sorry, but we can not allow you to-" the main guy in black tried to say, but was cut off.

"It's fine," an effeminate voice resounded from another room.

"Are you sure, sir?" he asked.

"Yeah, go ahead and send him in." Michael replied.

The man in the suit frowned for a moment, but then he nodded, signifying for Nnoitra to go ahead. Nnoitra sneered at him, but still continued ahead in the room and looked at the pathetic face of the former star. Without hesitation, Nnoitra promptly slapped him.

"What the hell's wrong with you?!" Nnoitra exclaimed. "You used to be the master of pimps back in the day!"

"All stars have to fade out sometime," he replied.

"Bullshit! Flavor Flav hasn't done shit in ten years, and bimbos are still all over him! What the hell happened? 'Billie Jean' is one of the greatest songs ever, and you banged Elvis' daughter! But then you married that ugly bitch and did a bunch of stupid shit, and now I have to pay for it!"

"Alright, I'll admit to doing some stupid things in the past, and yeah, I don't know what I was thinking when I married that ugly bitch and had kids with her, but one thing I am not is a child molester." Michael said wistfully. "But I don't stand a chance in court, and I don't want to go in jail. All I want to do is make the children happy with my music and dance moves, but the people in prison wouldn't understand."

"So you're making me pay for your fuck-ups?" Nnoitra growled. "That's bullshit! You're not the Michael Jackson I know!"

"That's enough." The man in the suit scowled. "We have to be at court in an hour, and you wouldn't want your punishment to be more severe in jail, would you?"

"Goddamn it," Nnoitra mumbled, following the men into the black SUV. "It's times like these when I wish I was back home being manhandled by Halibel."

----------

"So let me get this straight, before I died and became a Hollow, and then an Arrancar, I was your brother?" Grimmjow asked warily.

"Yeah, every fucking brat has a mother and father, you just happen to have the same ones as I do, fucking blue hair," Hiruma replied sarcastically.

"Alright, you can claim whatever you want me to be, but explain why I have natural blue hair and you have the ears of a fucking elf." Grimmjow said as he folded his arms.

"Do I have to fucking explain genetics to you now?" Hiruma scowled. "Sure, our parents are fucking lazy asses who only made money by being the inspiration for a couple of video game characters, but I shouldn't have to explain that every kid has a different set of genes we inherit from our parents. Anyways, we have different fathers. So really, we're half-brothers."

"Your guys' parents were the inspiration for video game characters? Cool! Which ones?" Orihime asked enthusiastically.

"I don't remember the exact game names, but I think my whore of a mom was the inspiration for some chick character named Zelda," Hiruma said with some thought.

"THE Zelda from the Legend of Zelda games?" Orihime gasped and looked over at Grimmjow with awe. "Grimmjow, your mom is an elf girl! That must mean that you're half elf!"

"Goddamn it…first a cat and now an elf…" Grimmjow muttered as smacked his palm against his head. "Alright, so who's modeled after my father?"

"I think he was some character in one of those Final Fantasy games. I don't even remember which one though." Hiruma shrugged.

"It must be Seymour from Final Fantasy X!" Orihime exclaimed. "I mean, he has blue hair and his voice even sounds like yours!"

"Great, so now I'm a cat, an elf, and some freak bag with weird shit on my face. Wonderful." Grimmjow said sardonically.

"Well, you did have that jaw for a while…" Orihime said, but then nervously laughed when Grimmjow glared daggers at her.

"So anyways, great I'm your older brother, so what do you want from me?" Grimmjow asked.

"What do I want? Now do you really think that I'm a greedy bastard like that?" Hiruma asked in a failed attempt to look innocent.

"Somehow I get the feeling that you're not the type that would hold an impromptu family reunion just for the hell of it." Grimmjow grumbled.

"You assume correctly." Mamori mumbled.

"It's not like I want anything now, but just know that when I do want something from you, I have all the blackmail in the world to get you to do anything." Hiruma grinned. At that statement, Grimmjow's expression went from grumpy to absolutely sour.

"And what kind of blackmail do you have on me?" Grimmjow asked. Hiruma didn't say anything right away, instead opening his laptop and slid it around to show Grimmjow a QuickTime video of Yumichika teaching an awkwardly dancing Grimmjow on the art of grinding.

"You know that I can easily put this file on a site, such as Youtube, and you could be famous again. You know the Star Wars geek and the Numa Numa guy? Yeah, I was the one behind posting those clips." Hiruma said in a nonchalant manner.

Grimmjow only gritted his teeth, knowing that he was at the disposal of the younger man who claimed to be his brother. Grinning, Hiruma set his legs up on the table, while Mamori only sighed. Orihime noticed the tension in the room and decided to try to lighten up the mood.

"So, how long have you two been going out?" Orihime asked innocently enough, although the question brought forth a scary glare from Mamori.

"WE. ARE NOT. DATING!" Mamori growled between her clenched teeth.

"You don't need to lie, I can keep a secret!" Orihime chirped happily, however Mamori's expression only more bitter.

"The fucking manager and I have better things to do than go on some fucking date." Hiruma commented.

With her attempt to create a peaceful environment failed, Orihime only sat in awkward silence. She then looked over at Grimmjow, who looked even more uncomfortable than she did.

"Um…I think we should go now!" Orihime said, standing up.

"Yeah, we've got a train we need to catch," Grimmjow added, as he also got out of his seat.

"Good, because I was about to tell you two to get out anyways." Hiruma grinned, causing Grimmjow to furrow his eyebrows in irritation. However, he walked up to Hiruma and leaned over a little.

"When you finally win her over, always use protection," Grimmjow said in a low voice. Hiruma only gave him a weird look before leaning back in his chair again.

"Of course, I'm not as much of a fucking idiot as you are," Hiruma remarked, causing Grimmjow to lose his temper again, as he posed his hands to choke his younger brother.

"Grimmjow, I'm leaving!" Orihime shouted. "And you can carry all of the bags!"

"God damn it…" he muttered, sulking away from Hiruma to go get the bags that Orihime left on the floor. Even as he left the tiny building, Grimmjow growled as he heard Hiruma cackling about his situation.

He didn't know much about his supposed brother, but already he dreaded the day when he would be forced to do his bidding.

----------

"So let me get this straight," Stark said. "Zommari has been thrown out of Hueco Mundo…and he's doing musical numbers?"

"Yes," Ulquiorra deadpanned.

"Yeah, okay Ulquiorra." Stark said sardonically. "I never thought you to be the joker type, but maybe this world is starting to take its toll on you."

"I realize this is hard to believe, but what I say is the truth," Ulquiorra insisted, not believing that he was the one with the seemingly ridiculous story this time.

"Alright, I realize that we've been rather mean to you this last year or so, but stupid practical jokes like this aren't going to work on us." Stark sighed. "We're smarter than that."

Ulquiorra only glared at him with a mild look of annoyance. Usually he was the condescending one, but now he found himself in the opposite position and he hated it. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to convince the higher ranked Espada, Ulquiorra turned away.

"Alright fine, I'll allow you to deal with him then." Ulquiorra said. "But just so you know, I warned you."

"Geez…talk about a sore loser." Stark shrugged.

"Stark! I need some help here!" Szayel Aporro yelled from the living room.

"What now? We've already potty trained the kid a few years early. What else could you want?" Stark mumbled, walking into the living room. When he made his way to the room though, the sight of Nikita's teeth latched onto the pink haired man's neck should have been disturbing, but Stark instead laughed hysterically.

"Go ahead, laugh it up while I'm practically dying here." Szayel Aporro said bitterly.

"You're getting your ass kicked by your infant daughter! This is great!" Stark laughed, falling on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Yeah…could I get some help here?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Did you put the Dawn of the Dead movie in yet?" Stark suggested.

"Yeah, but apparently she's bored of that movie…and she's taking it out on me!" Szayel Aporro panicked.

"I'm not helping you anymore. I already paid my debt to you." Stark replied. "I've been itching to play Resident Evil 4 all day, and you're not going to interfere in my plans!"

"I hate you." Szayel Aporro said, while Stark turned the Wii on. However, when Stark started to play the game and started to get attacked by zombies, Nikita finally pulled her mouth away from her father's neck and giggled.

"Your child is kinda cool, y'know." Stark commented, while playing his game.

"I don't know if I should be proud or concerned that my spawn finds this amusing, but as long as it keeps her from biting me, it's all good." Szayel Aporro said, going into the next room to grab a few bandages for his neck.

However, the peace didn't last long, once Stark killed all of the zombies and moved on to collect all the treasure. Upset, Nikita screamed, piercing the ears of both men in the room. Instinctively, Szayel Aporro hid behind a couch to prevent Nikita from chomping on him.

"Damn you, Stark! Get attacked by zombies again!" Szayel Aporro yelled.

"Screw that!" Stark protested.

At that moment though, Grimmjow and Orihime came through the door. Hearing the sound of high-pitched screaming, Grimmjow cringed at the anticipation of what he'd have to go through in a few months. Orihime, however, raced to the living room.

"What's wrong?!" Orihime exclaimed.

"Apparently my offspring has a fascination with zombies." Szayel Aporro explained from behind the couch. "Stark, however, keeps killing the zombies."

"Well, that's because Stark is a good gamer. There is a solution to this problem though." Orihime nodded. "Grimmjow!"

"What?" Grimmjow said dully.

"Play this game," Orihime ordered. Grimmjow looked at the screen and sneered.

"Can't I play Guitar Hero 3 instead?" Grimmjow asked.

"No, you suck at this game, so therefore you're the perfect candidate." Orihime said. With a groan, Grimmjow took the controller, and as predicted, he was soon attacked by zombies, prompting Nikita to laugh in delight.

"Thank god." Szayel Aporro sighed in relief. "This won't last long though. Apparently she inherited the trait of getting bored quickly from me."

"Where's Nnoitra?" Orihime asked. "He's surprisingly good with kids after watching all of those soap operas and romantic comedies."

"Apparently, the idiot got himself roped into some deal where he has to act as the real Michael Jackson." Szayel Aporro said. "He tried to call the house to get us to bail him out, but there's no way we're helping that idiot out."

"What?! He'll get put in prison for sure! Does Halibel know about this?!" Orihime exclaimed.

"I don't know, but I doubt she'd care anyways." Szayel Aporro observed. Worried, Orihime thought for a moment before turned to go run up to her room.

"Grimmjow, keep sucking at that game…I've got a phone call I need to make," Orihime demanded before pulling out her cell phone.

----------

Halibel had fully intended to go relax when she left the SHOGUNS house, however, five minutes after she departed, a Victoria's Secret representative spotted her on the street and offered a large sum of money for a modeling campaign. Unable to refuse that much money, Halibel agreed and had spent the day modeling for the campaign.

After she was done though, her cell phone vibrated. Thinking it might be another job offer, she took the phone out of her pocket and looked at the caller ID. Seeing it was Orihime's phone, she raised an eyebrow, as she usually didn't call her. Opening the cover, she finally answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Halibel! Do you know about Nnoitra?!" she exclaimed.

"What? Did he get beat up by some other woman for being lewd again?" Halibel asked dully.

"No, not this time." Orihime sighed. "He got captured by Michael Jackson's security and is being forced to act as him, so that he gets his jail time!"

"So?"

"SO?! Aren't you two in a relationship?" Orihime asked.

"It depends on how skewed and twisted your views on relationships are." Halibel answered.

"So you really aren't going to do anything?" Orihime spoke in a wistful tone.

"No, that idiot probably did something to deserve it." Halibel replied coldly.

"Fine, I didn't want to say it this way, but if you let him go to jail, you won't be able to manhandle him anymore. He'll be somebody else's bitch. DO YOU WANT THAT?!"

Halibel stood speechless, partially shocked by Orihime's change of personality, and partially contemplating what to do as her words soaked in. Making her decision, she gave a sigh.

"Fine. We'll be home in no more than an hour."

"Great! We'll be waiting for you!" Orihime said happily before hanging up the phone.

Halibel stood motionless for a moment, before opening her phone again to dial another number.

"Hello? Yes, it's me, Halle Berry. I have a job for you that only you can do." She spoke as she walked toward the local courthouse.

----------

"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?" the bailiff droned.

"Go fuck yourself," Nnoitra answered, eliciting gasps from the jury.

"Bitter and harsh…just like the taste of black coffee…my favorite kind." The prosecutor smirked.

"What?" Nnoitra said with a raised brow, although he wasn't the only confused one in the court.

"W-well…anyways, Mr. Jackson, it appears that you have been charged with several counts of child molestation. Do you accept these charges?" the judge asked.

"Fuck no, I don't!" Nnoitra exclaimed.

"Objection!" the prosecutor exclaimed.

"But there's nothing to object against!" Nnoitra cried out.

"In our courtrooms, ANYTHING can be objected," The judge said with a nod. "Please continue, Prosecutor Godot."

"Thank you, your honor." Godot grinned. "Mr. Jackson, the evidence against you is overwhelming, not to mention you don't even have a lawyer to represent your case. If I were you, I would just admit to the crime here and now. It'll save all of us the time."

"For reasons I can't explain, because of this shock collar around my neck, I can not tell you the full truth of my situation. However, there is no way I will submit to these crimes!" Nnoitra shouted out. "Even if nobody will represent me, I'll represent myself!"

"Objection!" another voice called out from the back of the courtroom. Nnoitra was at first annoyed that someone objected to him again, but when he realized that it was not Godot making the objection, he twisted his head to see Halibel standing with a younger man with spiky hair.

"Jesus Christ, Halibel!" Nnoitra exclaimed. "I'm gone for less than a day and you replace me with this shmuck?!"

"Ah…er…no," the man said, the sweat drops on his face visible.

"This is Phoenix Wright," Halibel explained. "If he doesn't win this case for you, he'll regret it."

"Erp!" Phoenix said with a pale face.

"Halibel…you came to save me?" Nnoitra asked, his eye on the verge of watering.

"No, you're my bitch. There's no way I'm letting you be anyone else's," Halibel answered.

"That…that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me!" Nnoitra sniffled.

"Ah…young love…" the judge said in admiration.

"It's sweet indeed, like the taste of a mocha frappuccino topped with extra whipping cream. However, there's still a case that needs to be resolved," Godot stated as he presented his coffee cup forward. "So Trite, let's see you try to get this guy off the hook."

"Alright, I accept your challenge," Phoenix said with a nod. "Perhaps we should start with the fact that this man…IS NOT MR. JACKSON AT ALL!"

"WHAT?!" Godot exclaimed, as he spat out his coffee. "Where's your proof for this ridiculous claim?"

"Right here," Phoenix said, as he presented a recent picture of Michael Jackson. "Perhaps if it was still the early nineties, it would be able to confuse this man with Mr. Jackson, but if you look at this picture now, you can clearly see that this man looks NOTHING like Michael Jackson!"

The whole courtroom then went into an uproar, as the truth was finally uncovered. The sound of a gavel being pounded resounded through the room, silencing the audience once again.

"Very well, Mr. Wright, I see your point, but if he's not Mr. Jackson…well…then where is he?" the judge asked.

"That part's simple, your honor," Phoenix said confidently. "See that man in the robes in the front row of the gallery?"

Phoenix then left the defendant's desk for a moment to go over to the covered man, and removed his hood.

"Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to introduce to you, Michael Jackson, the king of pop!" Phoenix announced, causing the courtroom to go in an uproar again.

"Explain yourself, Mr. Jackson!" The judge bellowed. "It's a bad thing to do what you did to those poor children, but now you rope someone else to do your time? Unforgivable!"

"Let me explain myself!" Michael Jackson pleaded. "First of all, I never did anything to those children!"

"Then why, Mr. Jackson, did you go through all of this trouble to pin the crime on someone else?" Godot asked.

"Because…because I'm a coward." Michael sighed. "I'm so used to being dependent on others, so when the parents of children started to accuse me of those terrible things, I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. Because of that, all the charges racked up against me, and there was nothing that I could do. Instead of fighting though, I only ran away…I ran away and forced this man to take my place."

"That's a very touching story, Mr. Jackson." Godot replied. "However, I'm not convinced."

"Then perhaps THIS will convince you!" Phoenix gloated, as he signaled for the parents he gathered to step forward.

"What he says is the truth," One parent confessed. "We knew that Michael Jackson was filthy rich, so we took advantage of it and made false claims. We're sorry!"

"Can this day get any worse for me?" Godot muttered while smoking a cigarette.

"Well, I think that settles it!" the judge nodded. "In the case of this man and Michael Jackson, I find the defendant…NOT GUILTY."

Nnoitra was then confused as cheers roared through the courtroom and confetti started to fall down from the ceiling.

"The fuck?!"

"Our courtrooms are rather festive, Mr. Jiruga," Phoenix smiled.

However, the courtroom got even more festive as someone else busted through the door. Turning their heads, Halibel and Nnoitra saw the figure of someone familiar.

"Zommari? What the hell are you doing here?" Nnoitra asked. However, the tall man did not respond. Instead, he broke out into dance.

"It's close to midnight, evil's lurking in the dark. Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart…" he started to sing.

"Zommari?" Nnoitra asked. "Since when do you know the lyrics to 'Thriller'?"

He still didn't answer as nearly everyone else in the courtroom joined in on his dance. Michael Jackson looked upon the man, as his eyes grew big with hope.

"Go for it, you deserve it." Nnoitra said. Taking the center stage, Michael Jackson started to sing along with his song.

"'Cause this is thriller, thriller night. And no one's gonna save you from the beast about the strike!" Michael sang.

Soon even Phoenix Wright joined the dance as Halibel and Nnoitra looked on with weird looks upon their faces.

"Let's get out of here," Halibel spoke.

"Yeah, this shit's getting too freaky for even me," Nnoitra agreed, sneaking out of the courtroom with Halibel.

----------

About an hour later, every member of the SHOGUNS house was finally reunited. Upon Nnoitra and Halibel's testimony of Zommari making a musical number in the courtroom, Ulquiorra had uncharacteristically stomped out of his room and yelled at Stark for knowing that he was right, before he stomped back into his room and slammed the door.

Hearing the wail of Nikita in the living room, Nnoitra sauntered into the room, picked up the baby, and held her in the air.

"Don't worry, Uncle Nnoitra is here!" he said with a strangely pleasant smile. "Was everyone else being morons like they usually are?"

Nikita cooed happily in response, causing everyone else in the room the glare at the two hatefully. He then continued to play with the little pink-haired girl, until she was sleeping in his lap.

"I don't know what's more frightening," Stark remarked. "The fact that Nnoitra is good with children, after the whole Neliel incident, or that he's seemingly the only person that Nikita likes."

"Both are equally scary," Grimmjow replied. "But at least the brat stopped crying."

"Grimmjow!" Orihime huffed. "Pretty soon we'll have a baby of our own, so I'd prefer if you didn't call him or her a brat."

"If it's a brat, I'm gonna call it a brat." Grimmjow retorted.

"You better stop before she makes you sleep on the couch." Stark commented, prompting a fit of laughter through the room.

"I hate you all," Grimmjow growled.

"Just so we're clear, we are not to allow Zommari Leroux into the house." Halibel said..

"Yeah, because SHOGUNZS doesn't look as cool as SHOGUNS." Stark added.

"You just said the same thing twice." Szayel Aporro said with a wave of his hand.

"I did not! Ah, you guys wouldn't understand. Apparently you guys can't break the fourth wall," Stark groaned.

"The fourth what?" Orihime asked.

"Never mind," Stark mumbled.

"Well, from what I hear, we've had an Espada do a complete personality switch, Grimmjow has a brother that's just as vile as him, Szayel's baby is apparently a genius with a zombie fetish, we went into the weirdest courtroom ever, AND we got Michael Jackson back on the right track," Nnoitra observed. "So at least we can take comfort in the fact that tomorrow probably won't be as insane as it was today."

"I wouldn't count on it," Halibel said. "Knowing our luck, it'll probably be even worse tomorrow. Speaking of which, let's go raid Ulquiorra's room. I don't think he's had enough stress yet today."

"Agreed, let's go!" Nnoitra said with a cackle, knowing there was nothing that Ulquiorra could do without his friend with the weird eyes.

----------

Author's Comments

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Took me long enough, eh? . ;

That's what happens when writer's block strikes.

For those of you who didn't pick up on the references, Hiruma and Mamori are both characters from Eyeshield 21. Maybe it's just me, but I think Hiruma and Grimmjow resemble each other in a lot of ways. So therefore, they're brothers.

Godot and Phoenix Wright are both characters of the Phoenix Wright series, since I knew I had to include them somehow. XD

As for songs, I'm an appreciator of music (as my job is SELLING music), and I've long had the fantasy of being in a live action musical, so after Zommari's attack of "Amor" was revealed, I immediately linked him to Dean Martin. And since he's boring in the manga, he'll be my official musical character that'll appear every once in a while.

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Question time, with Renegade Raine!

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TheShamanMaster writes:

"Also, can u please keep calling Noitora, Noitora? I really hate his official name, it just don't suit him. Will Nell make an apperance? (now that she's been revealed as Ex-Espada number 3) and what about Aizen? Will he ever let them back? And what about Cirruci? Does she have plans for Syazel?"

My response: Sorry, if I don't call him by his official name, I'll get eight different reviews saying "ZOMG HIZ NAME IS LIEKS NNOITRA, NOT NOITORA!" and it gets annoying after awhile.

Yep, she sure will. XD

Maybe, maybe not!

And I think I answered the last question in this chapter.

TheSmallestGhost writes:

"WOW! your story is awsome! i love it to DEATH! XD

i wonder if u do requests? if so...then since ichigo is a recurring character could he have a pairing? please? i mean since u explain about Byakuya, Itachi and Ulquiorra both fall in the Self-sexual category maybe ichigo could be the same...but he would be in love with HICHGO! because they're TWINS! XD

beside the RenjiXRukia pairing has been set and i don't want to leave that alone!

and if that's not possible...how about Gin and Tousen planing a blind date for Aizen with ichigo as the lucky Uke! (yeah i said it! AizenXIchigo forever!) at least Grimmjow would b happy! XP

oh yeah...is Luppi alive? is he and Gin dating?! hope not, Gin can do SO MUCH BETTER! . 

anyways, i can't wait for the next chappi...but i have too! TT.TT

later!

TSM"

My response: …

Alright, there's so many things wrong with your request, but what the hell.

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Ichigo's Date!

-----------

"Hey man, if you had sex with me, it wouldn't be gay, it would be more on the lines of masturbation." A creepy voice spoke out.

"Go away, you freak!" Ichigo cried out. "If I wanted to masturbate, I'd pick up the latest issue of Playboy!"

----------

The next day…

"I can't believe you managed to blackmail me into doing this." Tousen muttered.

"Yep, since yer blind, it makes takin' blackmail photos of ye rather easy, y'know." Gin grinned.

"And you know Aizen is going to kill us when he gets back." Tousen spoke.

"Nuh uh…I've got blackmail on him too." Gin shrugged.

Meanwhile, Ichigo knew that he shouldn't have accepted the invitation, but the curiosity was too much for him to bear when he received a love letter in the mail, telling him to meet them at a special restaurant. However, when he saw that Aizen was the only person in the restaurant, he smacked his head.

"Oh god." Ichigo muttered. "I have multiple personalities wanting to get in my pants, and now my sworn enemy wants to take me out to dine. TEEN ANGST, QUIT TAKING IT OUT ON ME! I'm emo enough as it is!"

Aizen watched Ichigo's meltdown with a raised eyebrow and put the pieces together. Scowling, he raised his fist to the air.

"DAMN YOU GIN!" Aizen shouted, as the passer-bys gave both men weird looks.

----------

Yeah, there's no way I would write either pairing. XD

But to answer your questions, HELL NO Gin is NOT dating Luppi. Luppi is DEAD. And if I bother to give Gin a pairing, it'll be with Rangiku.

And yes, I will give Ichigo a pairing. Who is it? You'll see!

Bladerkun writes:

"Amazingly hilarious. Question: I recently got Shattered Blade, would Arturo have any part in this story? He's not canon, but he's still an arrancar. But I bet you won't have 'em here."

My reply: Thank you!

I haven't played the game, so for now I wouldn't put him in the story. However, if I ever do get around to playing it, he MIGHT have a chance of making it in there. Can't say for sure though.

Kitty8688 writes:

"Are you sure Ulq. is not gay in your story...?"

My reply: Maybe he is, maybe he's not. But I WILL resolve it. Keep in mind that Stark has NEVER gotten a prediction wrong.

She also writes:

"3) I find it odd that you put Rukia and Renji together in this as couples... I am SO use to Ichigo and Rukia... So, I'm like- What the heck!? BUt hey, it's your fic... Not really a comment, but more like a question...?"

My reply: Renji/Rukia is my OTP mate, so naturally I'd have those two in it. I only like Ichigo/Rukia as comrades.

She also writes:

"And as a side thing, why the heck did you update your other story, um, "Doomed From the Start" and not this one (yet)?!? That kind of made me 'mad'."

My reply:…

Honestly, cracked out humor isn't really my thing. The angst is more what I'm used to, and is what I feel more comfortable writing. Honestly, if this fic hadn't as gotten as popular as it has, I wouldn't have bothered continuing this. So really, I prefer writing people in character. XD

Tiffanie writes:

"I fricken want your brain. XD Where do you come up with this stuff?"

My reply: Autism, having nothing better to think about, and the combined cracktastic brain power of me and my sister's brains.

----------

On the NEXT wonderfully cracktastic chapter of Worse Than Death, Ichigo has taken a child under his wing. But what if she's not what she seems? Why is Nnoitra trying to stop Ichigo from being around the kid at all costs? Also, Halibel has gained her first obsessed stalker! How will she deal with him? Will Zommari do any crazy musical numbers? What will Orihime's mood swings make her do this time? AND WILL NNOITRA HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?! Find out in the NEXT chapter of Worse Than Death!


	12. Chapter 12

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Worse Than Death

Chapter Twelve

By Renegade Raine

--

"So let me get this straight…" Ichigo said as he gave the three people on his doorstep a weird look. "You want me to baby-sit her?!"

"Yes." Pesche replied.

Ichigo waited for Pesche to elaborate as to why exactly he needed to baby-sit the toddler-like arrancar, but when he realized that he wouldn't say anything else, Ichigo groaned in annoyance.

"So why exactly do you need me to baby-sit?!" Ichigo said with exasperation. "I mean, why is it me that has to watch her anyways?!"

"Well, first of all, Dondochakka and I have tickets to the latest musical craze in all of Karakura Town!" Pesche began to explain.

"Yes, it was a shock to us that Zommari was talented enough to create his own Broadway-like production, don'tcha know?" Dondochakka added.

"So we were going to ask that lady friend of yours…uh…what was her name again?"

"Rukia?" Ichigo suggested with a quirk of his brows.

"No, no, the one with the pleasantly large bosoms…" Pesche said as he shook his head.

Ichigo gave a groan as a blush arose on Pesche's mask. He didn't know how that was even possible, but it still annoyed him.

"Okay, so what about Inoue-san? Why couldn't she do it?"

"Well, it wasn't that she couldn't do it," Dondochakka said with a thoughtful expression. "It's just that she lives with a bunch of the Espada army, don'tcha know?"

"It's our duty to make sure that our Lady Neliel is to be kept safe at all costs, so we couldn't risk sending her over there," Pesche explained. "And plus, she seems rather attached to you. She refused to even consider letting anyone else take care of her."

"Itsygo!" Nel exclaimed happily before hugging one of his legs. "Can I pwease thtay at your house…pwease?"

Ichigo looked down at Nel with a weird expression on his face before he sighed one last time. "Fine, I'll do it."

"Well, I guess we're off then!" Peshe announced as he grabbed Dondochakka by one of his arms. "We'll be back later to pick her up!"

"Hey, wait!" Ichigo tried to holler out to the two Arrancar, but they were already both long gone. He put his head down in despair while he looked down at Nel's overjoyed face. "I don't even know how to take care of a kid this young!"

"I wanna pway Doctor!" Nel said with a giggle.

Ichigo looked at her with a horrified expression. He didn't even want to think about how "Doctor" was played in Hueco Mundo, nor did he want to find out. Instead, he promptly went to the nearest phone in his house and dialed a number as fast as he possibly could.

"Yeah, Inoue-san? Could you please come over here as soon as you can? I don't know the first thing about taking care of a child…really? Thank you."

Relieved, Ichigo hung up the phone and looked over at Nel with a weary look on his face. Nel only looked up at him in what seemed like an innocent, child-like grin, but when he looked down at her face, it turned into something far more sinister.

"We're gonna have lots of fun…aren't we, Ichigo?"

Ichigo was far too disturbed by the look on her face to even notice that she didn't call him "Itsygo". Despite the fact that she was only a child, he was petrified at her expression, which seemed strangely flirtatious. As he smacked a hand against his head, he prayed inside of his head that Orihime would be there soon.

"C'mon Itsygo, I want to pway Doctor!" Nel whined while dragging the taller man by the hand, with a surprising amount of strength.

Ichigo might have seemed indifferent on the outside, but on the inside, he was weeping endlessly.

"Why do these things always happen to ME?!" Ichigo muttered as he followed Nel into the living room.

--

It was Valentine's Day, and most couples were out, declaring their love for one another. However, for Halibel, the first appealing thing in her mind was to go search for new "toys" in the nearest S&M shop. Specifically, Nnoitra had broke the last ball gag she put in his mouth, and she hated it when he talked during their little games, although his man screams were almost satisfying enough to make up for it.

However, as she browsed through the store, she couldn't help but get the feeling that she was being followed. She was not about to give her stalker the satisfaction of looking at him, so instead she used her peripheral vision to confirm that there was indeed someone following her. She figured that if she just ignored him for a while, he'd just go away. After about fifteen minutes of purposely making it clear that she didn't want to be bothered though, she noticed that he was still following her.

"If I give you my autograph, will you go away?" Halibel said coldly.

"An autograph from the beautiful model, Halibel? I'd LOVE an autograph!" the very unattractive man replied.

She was about to draw a single line on a paper for the fan's autograph, but then she realized something and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Wait…you didn't call me Halle Berry?"

"Well no, because it's not your REAL name, right?"

Halibel's eyes now narrowed, as she realized that her situation was quickly getting very creepy.

"How do you know my real name?" Halibel said with a hint of apprehension.

"I know EVERYTHING about you! For instance, you have a cat named Cock Slayer, and you live in a house with Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, otherwise known as Grim Jaw, the legendary rocker. However, despite popular opinion, I know that you're not secretly sleeping around with him behind his wife's back, because you consider her to be your best friend! Not to mention that you have a very controversial relationship with some non-employed guy named Nnoitra, who was confused with Michael Jackson in a trial case a couple of weeks ago. But like a true hero, you came in and saved him at the nick of time!" the fan raved. "However, no matter how hard I look, I can't find your last name. I figure that it's either because you hid it very well, or you don't have a last name. I tried running a DNA test on an eyebrow hair I found on the runway of one of your shows, but for some reason, the results basically told me that you weren't a human. However, I agree one hundred and fifty-nine percent, as you're clearly an angel!"

Halibel stood in silence, with a look of disbelief on her face as she looked at the man in front of her. He pretty much embodied the stereotypical fan as he was very overweight, he wore glasses, his hair was balding, his face was very greasy looking, his age was somewhere between forties and fifties, and you could clearly see the sweat marks under his armpits on the shirt he was wearing. The last thing she wanted was to have him follow her all day. So to prevent that from happening, she did the only thing that she could do at that moment; she kicked him in the balls.

Despite the amount of force she put in her kick though, he seemed to be unaffected. Instead of the cry of pain that Halibel expected, he laughed a disgustingly jolly laugh.

"So I guess the rumors of you being a ball-buster are true!" the fan exclaimed happily. "Fortunately for me, I had my testicles removed because of an operation to remove a hernia a couple of years ago!"

"Ugh…too much information…" Halibel muttered. "Would you please just go aw-"

"Oh! I haven't introduced myself yet! The name is Dan Chase!" the fan said, stretching his hand out. When Halibel made no move to shake his hand though, he continued talking. "So I couldn't help but notice that you were all alone today, and a pretty woman like yourself shouldn't have to be alone! So if you want-"

"I swear to god, if you finish that sentence, I'll have you-" Halibel said, with her teeth gritted. Never before had she been so frustrated in her life, and it only grew as Dan interrupted her.

"As I was saying, I know I'm just a lowly fan, but I'm sure that you'd like me if you got to know me!"

"Oh, that's it." Halibel said threateningly as she pulled out her cellphone. She quickly dialed a number and held it against her ear. "Hello? Yes, this is Halle Berry. I have a situation with an obsessed stalker. Yes, that's right. Name? I think he said it was Dan Chase. Correct, Dan Chase. What? What do you MEAN that he's had over two thousand complaints? Why the hell haven't you peons done anything about it? UGH! I am SO throwing cellphones at all of you next time I see you!"

In a fit of anger, Halibel took her phone and threw it at the obsessed fan in front of her, which only seemed to make him even more enamored with her. With a frustrated groan, she then pressed her palm against her face in irritation, as she suddenly found why it wasn't so great to be famous. However, she did still have her main bitch, who still owed her a favor for saving his ass.

She reached into a pocket and pulled out another phone, and dialed the number for Nnoitra's cell. However, it rang a few times before going to his voicemail.

"Yo, this is Nnoitra Jiruga. If you're hearing this, I probably don't want to talk to you, so please hang up and kindly go fuck yourself. If you're a hot chick though and want to have sex with me, please leave a message and your phone number and I'll get back to you. If this is Halibel, I was just joking about the last part, so please don't put the spiked ball gag on me tonight…please? Anyways, if this is Halibel, I probably forgot my phone at the house, so leave a message, okay, my love?"

Halibel made a mental note to herself to bitchslap Nnoitra the next time she saw him as she waited for the beep on the answering machine.

"Nnoitra, you're an idiot and you're getting the spiked ball gag tonight." Halibel said in a flat tone before hanging up the phone. Without giving her stalker another look, she immediately picked out a spiked ball gag, threw some money on the cashier's counter, and stormed out of the building.

She knew she had to get rid of her stalker somehow, but she wasn't quite sure how she was going to do it. The man was seemingly unaffected by physical confrontation, so sending Cock Slayer was out of the question. Sending Nnoitra to do her dirty work was clearly also out of the question, as he seemingly forgot his cellphone at the SHOGUNS house. So therefore, the best option left to her was to start a high profile relationship with another celebrity. However, she wasn't quite sure who would be the lucky male…or perhaps female, as starting a lesbian relationship would really get the tabloids going.

However, as she walked down the street and observed the scene in front of her, the decision was made for her. Although she had a pretty good crowd of fans following her, after she left the S&M shop, the long haired man across from her on the sidewalk had both a massive group of fangirls and a TV crew following behind him.

"Good morning and welcome to the Doctor Itachi Show," the man spoke into the camera. "Today, I'm walking on the streets to cure the normal, everyday piece of trash of whatever problems they may have in their head."

Itachi then approached a man who carried an acoustic guitar on his back and had a very disheveled appearance. Itachi wrinkled his nose, as the man actually smelled like trash, but he still walked until he was only about a foot away from him.

"Oh thank god, it's Doctor Itachi!" the man said as he started to bawl. "I've always had dreams of being a rock star, but my mom said that my college was more important! So I left home, dropped out of college, and decided to live my life on the streets. But I didn't become famous! And the ladies say that I smell like trash!"

"You do smell like trash." Itachi said dryly. "And clearly you're a foolish man for actually choosing to live your life on the streets. My advice to you is to go run in the middle of traffic."

"What kind of advice is that?!" the man shouted before Itachi activated his Sharingan and calmed the man down. "Obviously the good kind!"

Without a second thought, the man then dashed in front of an incoming semi truck. His blood splattered over the crowd of people, but they still applauded as Itachi walked away from the scene and toward the camera.

"Due to my professional and invaluable advice, that foolish man will never be sad again," Itachi said in the most emotionless way possible. "You imbeciles obviously have nothing better to do with your lives, so join me again tomorrow, where I shall save another person's life from peril. Farewell."

The TV crew then praised Itachi for another great show, even if he really didn't care about their opinion. What really got on his nerves though were the squeals of approval that came from the crowd of his fans. However, as he turned around and set his gaze on Halibel, time seemed to stop for both of them.

She knew that he was the foil to her and Nnoitra's plans of humiliation for Byakuya and especially Ulquiorra, but part of her respected the amount of power that he possessed. He knew that she was one of the sworn enemies of his two allies, but deep down inside, he had always admired the fact that she knew exactly how to manipulate people.

"Together, we would have the masses at our feet." Halibel said as she approached him. "We should date."

Both crowds of fans simultaneously let out a gasp as both celebrities stared each other down. Dan, the obsessive stalker then started to bawl uncontrollably, causing Itachi to look at him. Upon seeing the crazed stalker, Itachi gave a sigh and tilted his head at a weird angle.

"I'm sure I know what all of you at home, reading this is thinking that this is the most stereotypical representation of a stalker ever. However, I feel that I should inform you all that this character is actually based on a person that the author knows in real life. I don't know why she felt the need to release him in our world though." Itachi droned as the crowd looked at him questioningly.

"Who is he talking to?" one fan whispered to another. However, Itachi quickly turned his face back to Halibel and walked forward.

"Very well then, shall we be off?" Itachi asked.

They were about to leave for their date, but then Loli and Menoli stepped out from the crowd of Itachi's fangirls and stood in Halibel's way.

"Uh-uh, there is NO WAY we're going to let you interfere with our OT3." Loli said haughtily.

"Yes, the thought of Byakuya, Ulquiorra, and Doctor Itachi getting together in a hot threesome is hot and meant to be!" Menoli said with a nod.

Normally, Halibel would find the situation amusing and collaborate with the two to get their fantasy, just to humiliate Ulquiorra, but this time they were interfering in her plans. She was about to reach for another phone from her seemingly endless cellphone collection to throw at both of them, Before anything could get tossed though, Itachi stepped in front of her and activated his Sharingan against both of the offenders.

The two girls stood with a vacant expression on their faces, as their minds were warped to another dimension. However, both were soon toppling over with horror.

"OH GOD! It's heterosexual porn!' Loli screamed out. "Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!"

Halibel and Itachi watched the two girls with the slightest hint of amusement in their expressions before departing the scene, with Dan, the stalker, close behind. As they walked though, none of them saw the newspaper that dropped behind them that read: "Are Victoria's Secret Model, Halle Berry and TV Psychologist, Dr. Itachi Going Out?! WE THINK SO!"

--

"I still don't see why I need to come and help the fuckin' Shinigami with babysitting." Grimmjow grumbled as he followed Orihime up the stairs to Ichigo's house.

"I told you already," Orihime said with a sigh. "I'm nine months pregnant, and the baby is due at any time now! You need to learn to take care of a child, since you're going to be a father really soon."

"Alright, I get that. But why the hell does Nnoitra have to come with us?!" he complained as he grimaced at the lanky man behind him.

"Because despite the amount of disbelief I have over the matter, Nnoitra is the best of all of us when it comes to children. I mean, have you seen how much Nikita loves Nnoitra? You could learn a lesson or two from him."

Nnoitra only laughed as Orihime continued to chide Grimmjow about his lack of parenting skills. Even if her nagging really got on his nerves though, Grimmjow knew that she'd be back to the gentle and sweet girl that he was used to after she had the baby. At least, he hoped so.

Orihime finally knocked on the door, but looked a little confused when Ichigo didn't answer right away. After a couple of minutes of no response, Grimmjow finally just kicked down the door, all while ignoring his wife's cries that he was being too impulsive about the situation. However, as all three of them went through the door, they all stood with dumbstruck expressions on their faces as they saw Ichigo on the floor, handcuffed to the legs of a coffee table.

"You know, if this guy wasn't supposed to be babysitting, that would look like a kind of sexy situation I'd want to get into." Nnoitra said after a long, awkward silence.

"Well, this is a situation I DON'T want to be in, so get me out!" Ichigo exclaimed.

"Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime said after a few seconds of thought.

"Yes?"

"How did you get handcuffed to a coffee table in the first place?"

"Isn't it obvious? That brat did it!" Ichigo shouted. "Now can you guys please get me out?!"

"There's something fishy about his story," Grimmjow spoke out. " I mean, how could some brat handcuff a grown guy like him?"

"For once, I think I actually have to agree with you." Orihime said with a sigh. "And look at little Nel! How could anyone think that she was a brat?"

Despite the fact that she held the keys to the handcuffs in one of her tiny hands, Nel managed to muster up an innocent look as she watched the action unfold from the couch. Nnoitra, who was watching the television, turned around at the mention of the former Espada's name. Once the lanky man spotted her on the couch, the joyful expression on his face suddenly turned sour.

"You…why are you here, you little hussy?" Nnoitra spat out.

"Huthy?" Nel said after a few blinks and turned to her babysitter. "Itsygo, what's a huthy?"

"Uh…how do I explain it? I guess…it's a word that you should forget forever!" Ichigo nodded as he answered, thinking it would be enough of a response for her.

"A huthy is a word that you thould forget?" Nel echoed and then gave a laugh. "So Nel ith a word that I thould forget? That'th funny!"

As she continued to laugh over the matter, Ichigo gave Nnoitra a dirty look and turned to Orihime with an exasperated look on his face.

"Why exactly did you guys bring that psycho over again?!" Ichigo attempted to ask while whispering, but the malice in his voice projected it enough so Nnoitra could hear.

"I swear that he's good with other kids!" Orihime spoke out, but still turned to give Nnoitra an unfavorable look. "I don't know what's wrong with him today."

"You guys haven't had to deal with her shit!" Nnoitra cried out before glancing over at Ichigo. "Why the hell did you agree to baby-sit this little demon in the first place?!"

"Nel? A demon?" Ichigo gave a little laugh before continuing. "I think someone's a little paranoid today."

"Nel ith not a demon! Nnoitra's mean for athuming that I am!" Nel stated as she unlocked Ichigo's handcuffs.

"I agree." Orihime huffed, before noticing how dirty Nel had gotten from ravaging through the contents of the fridge. "Oh my…I guess I better give you a bath!"

Quickly, she grabbed Nel and went into the nearest bathroom. She then set the small arrancar on the toilet as she filled the tub with warm water. As she searched through the room, Orihime was surprised to find several different bottles of bubble bath liquid in the cupboards.

Bringing a hand up to her mouth, she muffled a laugh at the ridiculous thought of Ichigo taking bubble baths. However, before she could make the logical assumption that the bottles probably belonged to Yuzu, her face turned beet red as her over-reactive imagination twisted her thoughts in a slightly less innocent manner. Before her brain could really make the thought really perverted though, she snapped out of it and shook her head furiously.

"I'm married! I shouldn't be having these thoughts about other men!" Orihime said in a panicked tone. "What if the baby can see what I'm thinking? Oh god! He probably thinks I'm a pervert!"

In an attempt to erase the notion from her head, she instead thought of her husband. This time though, she wasn't able to hold back as she laughed hysterically. The thought of the generally mean Grimmjow relaxing in a tubful of bubbles was enough to drive her to cry from laughter. At the same time though, the idea of it became strangely hot to her. Once again, Orihime held a flushed expression on her face as she spaced out with the impure thoughts.

"AH! I Iam/I a pervert!" Orihime yelled out, not realizing that Grimmjow as in the doorway behind her looking confused, but yet Ivery/I intrigued at the same time.

"Normally, I'd tell you to elaborate on what you just said in full detail, but I figured that I better let ya know that you're about to flood the entire bathroom instead." Grimmjow said as he motioned toward the bath with his eyes.

Instantly, Orihime whipped around and rushed to turn off the faucet just before the bubbles could spill over the edge. Sighing in relief, she reached her hand in the water and drained enough to ensure that Nel would not drown. Carefully, she then set the little girl in the tub.

"I want Itsygo to give me the baff!" Nel protested as Orihime attempted to scrub her head.

"But wouldn't you rather have another girl give you a bath?" Orihime asked sweetly.

"No! I want Itsygo to give me a baff!" Nel said with a pout.

Although Orihime was a little hurt that Nel didn't want her to be the one to give her a bath, she still smiled and left the room to send Ichigo instead. He was a little apprehensive to giving the young girl a bath, as his teenaged mind found it a little wrong, but Ichigo still entered the bathroom.

"Could you pwease shut the door? Nel geth a little embarrathed to be naked in front of evwebody!"

Ichigo thought it was a little odd that she seemed fine in front of him, but he still turned around and shut the door. When he turned back around toward the tub though, it was no longer occupied by the little girl that was in it just a few seconds before. Instead, Ichigo barely managed to contain a massive nosebleed as the grown up version of Neliel was now in the tub, with the bubbles just barely covering her most revealing parts.

"Wh-wh-what the hell happened?!" Ichigo shrieked.

"I got big again!" Neliel said happily. "You should come take a bath with me!"

"I don't know what's considered normal in Hueco Mundo, but normally when a man and a woman take a bath together it's…it's…" Ichigo muttered with a wide-eyed expression.

"It's what?" Nel asked with a giggle.

"It's just wrong, dammit!"

Upon hearing his response, Neliel blinked a few times and tilted her head in confusion. After coming to her own conclusion, she stood up in the bathtub, revealing her entire front half to Ichigo.

"Is there something wrong with my body?" Neliel asked coyly.

Quickly, Ichigo grabbed a piece of toilet paper as he prevented his nosebleed from spreading onto the floor. He then attempted to answer her question, but all that came out of his mouth was incoherent babbling. He then felt dizzy and didn't even realize that his face landed between her bosoms as he lost consciousness.

"Men…" Neliel said with a sigh. "Oh well, at least by the way he acted, it seems like he's a virgin…just my type! I'm going to have fun with this one!"

A wicked grin covered her face as she bent down and started to remove the young man's clothing. One way or another, he would take a bath with her. She'd make it an experience that he would never forget.

-- 

Back in the living room of the Kurosaki residence, Grimmjow, Orihime, and Nnoitra watched the television, totally unaware of what was going on in the bathroom. Since there was nothing else on that Grimmjow and Nnoitra could agree on, they watched CSI reruns, mostly so the two men could learn what not to do if their need to kill someone rose again. Presently though, the show switched over to commercials, which left Orihime with nothing to occupy her mind, allowing her fantasies to play out in her head once again.

"Hey, Grimmjow?" Orihime said suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you…um…oh, never mind."

"What? Spit it out, woman."

"Well…uh…I was wondering…do you ever take baths?" Orihime managed to finally blurt out.

Grimmjow looked at her oddly in response. For a moment, Orihime thought that her husband figured out her train of perverted thoughts , and prepared to hide behind her hands in embarrassment. However, her fears were erased when he opened his mouth.

"Why? Do I smell bad or something?" he asked while sniffing his armpit.

"No! I didn't mean it like that!" Orihime said nervously. "I was just wondering if you like to take baths."

"Fuck no, it's like sitting in your own filth." Grimmjow grumbled. "Nnoitra, tell her that baths are for girls and pansies."

"I don't like baths, but I do like watching girls bathe." Nnoitra commented while watching the television.

Realizing that both she and Nnoitra shared a weird bathing kink, Orihime resisted the urge to slap her palm against her face. She thought it was bad enough that they both shared common interests in children and really cheesy movies, but now she was finding that she was having more in common with him than she wanted to admit. But she supposed that as long as she didn't become a masochist and engage in acts of bondage with Grimmjow, she should be okay.

"Besides, you should know after what happened on our anniversary that I prefer showers." Grimmjow added.

Upon remembering the mentioned date, Orihime blushed again, causing Grimmjow to laugh wickedly. Intrigued, Nnoitra pulled his head away from the TV set once the incident was mentioned.

"So…what did you guys do exactly?" Nnoitra tried to ask in an impassive face, but the wide grin that broke out only made him look creepy.

"Access denied! Access deniiiiiiied!" Orihime cried out, shaking her head frantically.

"All this reminiscing stuff has been great and all, but has anyone else noticed that the Shinigami is taking a really long time to give the brat a bath?" Grimmjow observed.

"Grimmjow! You're going to be a father soon, so I'd appreciate if you would quit with the name calling!" Orihime said with a huff.

"For once, I agree with the guy." Nnoitra said with a sigh. " She might seem all sweet and innocent right now, but the truth is that Neliel is what us people in Hueco Mundo call the 'Cherry-Popper'."

"Oh, so she liked to pop cherries with her fingers or something?" Orihime asked and then gave a thoughtful look. "That sounds kind of weird, but I guess that could be fun."

Both Grimmjow and Nnoitra looked at each other for a minute before breaking out into laughter. Orihime looked puzzled over the matter, but Grimmjow suddenly realized that he didn't like Nnoitra thinking of his wife that way and elbowed him in the gut.

"Sorry princess, but he means that she liked to have her way with the virgins around the place." Grimmjow answered.

"And as a cultural rule, a virgin in Hueco Mundo is considered to be someone who hasn't had sex as an Iarrancar/I." Nnoitra added. "So basically, she's pretty much screwed every arrancar in Hueco Mundo."

"Wait…so Grimmjow…did you…?" Orihime suddenly spoke out.

Before Grimmjow could say a word though, Nnoitra interrupted him with a cackling laugh. Grimmjow punched him in the chest this time, but Nnoitra would not stop laughing.

"Don't you dare say it," Grimmjow growled, but Nnoitra didn't look the least bit threatened.

"I guess he didn't tell you that before you came along, he was a virgin!" Nnoitra shouted out while laughing before breaking into hysterics. Grimmjow only sat and gave him a glowering look. Orihime, however, reverted back to a soft expression.

"Grimmjow…you were a virgin?"

"Believe me, it wasn't by choice." Grimmjow said with a sneer. " It's a well known fact that I have anger issues, so the whole reason Neliel started to sleep around with everyone was to piss me off. She started with Nnoitra and well…you should know the rest of the story. Basically, the brat did it to make sure that I was the only virgin in Hueco Mundo."

"Wait…Nnoitra did it with Nel?!" Orihime exclaimed. "So Halibel was the virgin between you two?! Huh…I always thought it was the other way around."

"Wrong," Grimmjow said. "When I say that Nel slept with every virgin, I really mean that she slept with Ievery/I virgin."

Orihime's mind then flashed back to the time when Halibel told her that Szayel was the straightest one of the Espada. At the time, Orihime found it was a little odd that Halibel didn't say that she herself was the most heterosexual, but now it all made sense.

"Yeah, although I still think it's funny in an unbelievably ironic way that mister ISex/Ita over there was the only virgin in Hueco Mundo, that bitch Neliel really did a number on me." Nnoitra said with a discontent sigh.

"How so?" Orihime asked.

"The dumbass was idiotic enough to fall for her." Grimmjow answered.

"I thought that she was into me, you know? Szayel, who I was tight with back then, warned me not to mess around with her, but I was convinced that we were in love, so I ignored him. I mean, it was all perfect until we screwed around one night. I'm not sayin' that it wasn't good, but after that, she just kept ignoring me. I figured it was a woman thing, so I let it go," Nnoitra explained. "But then, I entered her room one day, and she was goin' at it with fuckin' Yammi! Can you believe that shit?!"

"Geez…Hueco Mundo women must have really bad taste, because it seems that a lot of them like Yammi…" Orihime mused.

"I know, right?" Nnoitra said. "Then I tried to talk to her, but she told me that she had her fun with me and that we were through! The worst part was that she started following me around on every mission I went on, just to throw it in my face! So then, that's when my views on women became very skewed. I mean, I got fucked over by a woman that had more power than me, so why the hell wouldn't I be pissed by those types of women?"

"But isn't Halibel higher ranked than you?" Orihime asked.

"Yeah…so I hated her too," Nnoitra replied. "But despite all the hell that woman's put me through, at least she hasn't abandoned me like that bitch Neliel did."

Nnoitra's expression then went calm, causing an epiphany to unveil in Orihime's brain.

"Nnoitra…you actually love her, don't you?"

Startled, Nnoitra looked at Orihime with a strange expression. Before he could answer though, Grimmjow rudely interrupted by clearing his throat.

"I hate to break this shit up, but have you all forgotten about the fact that the shinigami's been in the bathroom with the brat for a fuckin' hour now?!" Grimmjow exclaimed. "By the way, Nnoitra, you've pretty much cemented your spot as a woman, you damned pansy."

"You should learn to be more sensitive like Nnoitra." Orihime scolded, returning back to her foul mood. "I'll go check on them."

Timidly, Orihime walked up to the bathroom door. Without thinking, she then slammed the door open and froze in horror. In the bathtub, Ichigo was completely naked. Normally, Orihime would simply blush and get the hell out of the room as quickly as possible. However, Nel (who had somehow returned back to her child form) was sitting on his lap.

"I'm sure that there must be a good explanation for this." Orihime muttered out of hope.

Curious about his wife's reaction, Grimmjow appeared behind Orihime to examine the scene for himself. Upon seeing the very compromising situation, he turned to look at his wife with a triumphant smile.

"I bet yer glad you married me, and not him about now," Grimmjow said. "I mean, at least I'm not a pedophile."

"What?! I'm not a pedo, I swear!" Ichigo said frantically. "A minute ago, she was big and she tried to molest me!"

Both Grimmjow and Orihime gave him a dry look in response.

"The only one I see doing the molesting around here is you, ya god damned pedo." Grimmjow muttered before whipping his head back to Orihime. "Can I kick his ass yet?"

"Let it go this time. Maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding," Orihime said, causing Ichigo to sigh in relief. However, the threatening look she threw his way caused him to tense up. "If I see another situation like this though, he'll have it coming."

Seeing that Orihime was picking up more traits from her husband, Ichigo made a mental note to never piss her off again. For all he knew, she'd probably ram her hand through his stomach next time, and that scared the hell out of him.

"Can Itsygo and I pway upstairs?" Nel asked.

"Wouldn't you rather have me play with you?" Orihime asked. "I think Ichigo is a very confused man right now."

"No!" Nel shouted. "I want Itsygo to pway wiff me!"

"I still have a bad feeling about this, but I guess that it's fine." Orihime answered.

"Yay! C'mon, Itsygo!" Nel exclaimed happily as she grabbed Ichigo's hand. "Let's go have some fun!"

He tried desperately to get away from her, as he knew it would mean trouble for him later. Despite her small size though, Nel proved to be the stronger one by clenching his hand in place. As she dragged him up the stairs, Ichigo could barely contain his inner weeping, knowing that the days of his youth were numbered. Finally, Nel dragged Ichigo into his room and locked the door behind them. She then turned around and changed backed to her adult form.

"Now…where were we?" Neliel asked.

"This isn't necessary, you know!" Ichigo said while looking for a chance to escape. "I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy!"

"Really?" Neliel questioned coyly. In a sudden movement, she pushed Ichigo back onto the bed before crawling on top of him. "Well, it turns out that I'm not a very old-fashioned girl at all."

She then proceeded to tear off the little clothing she was wearing before stripping Ichigo down to his boxers. He knew that he should have at least tried to show some kind of resistance at that point, but he was too entranced by her curves to make a move. Reaching for the waistband of his boxers, Neliel smiled as she leaned in to give the younger man a kiss. Before their lips could meet though, she gave a frustrated groan and reverted back to her child form again. Shortly afterwards, Ichigo's door was destroyed by a single kick by Grimmjow.

"See? I told you that nothing was…" Orihime said haughtily, but paused when she observed Ichigo in another compromising situation.

"I fuckin' Iknew/I it!" Grimmjow shouted while making a downward punch to the air to reinforce his point. "Can I please beat the shit out of him now?"

"Might as well, he won't learn any other way." Orihime muttered.

"There is nothing to misunderstand about this! The guy's a freakin' pedophile! So why the hell can't I-…" Grimmjow blurted out, anticipating her reaction. However, he stopped when he realized what her answer really was. "Wait…you said that I could actually beat him up?"

"Yep," she answered.

"I think that this might be one of the happiest moments of my life!" Grimmjow said with an expression of glee, which scared the hell out of Ichigo. "I finally got my wife's permission to beat you up! You better believe that I'm going to savor this experience to the very last second!"

"Just remember to kick him in the crotch a couple of times. I hear that it hurts for men," Orihime added. "I'm going to go watch some TV with Nnoitra and call the cops. Try not to destroy the place too much, okay?"

"Alright, love, have fun watching TV!" Grimmjow said in a voice far more cheery than anyone in the room was used to.

Orihime then grabbed Nel, put her clothes back on, and went out of the room to go watch TV. Soon, everyone could hear the sounds of Ichigo's man screams from up the stairs. Nnoitra laughed hysterically while Orihime consoled a crying Nel. However, everyone's attention was directed towards the TV when CSI was interrupted by a breaking news report.

"Sorry to interrupt your show, but we have a report that Victoria's Secret model, Halle Berry, and TV psychologist , Doctor Itachi Uchiha have started a romantic relationship!" the news anchor announced.

Footage of the two entering a bar was then aired on the TV. At first, Nnoitra just looked a little surprised, but eventually, Orihime could practically see the steam rise from his face as he seethed.

"I don't fucking believe it!" Nnoitra yelled. "The lawyer guy was suspicious enough, but now she's with the guy that's ruined our fun? What the fuck?!"

Footage of Halibel and Itachi standing calmly in front of a violent crowd in war then aired, which only infuriated Nnoitra even more.

"And she's doing random acts of evil with him?!" Nnoitra said in a shrill voice. "Do I mean nothing to her?!"

Orihime gave him a look of pity, before coming to a realization.

"She has to care about you, at least a little bit," Orihime said. "I mean, she wouldn't have haired a lawyer for you if she didn't like you?"

"She just didn't want me to be someone else's bitch." Nnoitra replied.

"Well…uh…that's a start!" Orihime said in the most optimistic voice possible. " But you know what you have to do?"

"Give up?"

Instantly, Orihime slapped him across the face. At first, Nnoitra was a bit turned on by the impact, but quickly the shock of the situation spread through his mind.

"No, you have to be a man!" Orihime responded. "Quit being a girl and step up to the plate to claim your woman!"

"But how am I going to compete against a guy who can convince people to kill themselves without even touching them?!" Nnoitra pointed out.

"You have to try!" Orihime said. "Now, c'mon! The police are on their way to arrest Ichigo, so we can go so you can tell Halibel your true feelings!"

Jumping off the couch, Orihime walked to the base of the stairs and shouted up.

"Honey, you can stop beating him up now! We have to go get Nnoitra and Halibel back together and I don't think that you want to be left behind!"

Grimmjow groaned in disappointment, but he stepped on Ichigo's crotch once more before going down the stairs. Orihime hesitated, as she didn't want to leave Nel alone in the house with Ichigo. When she saw a police car pull up to the curb though, she quickened her pace to get out the door with Nnoitra and Grimmjow, as the mere sight of a police car had her paranoid after living in the SHOGUNS house for over a year now. Quickly, the three went into the car and drove off to their next location.

--

Elsewhere in town, Halibel and Itachi sat calmly at the darkest corner of the bar, while nearly everyone else in the place went wild over the appearance of the two celebrities. Both of them drank martinis, as they figured it was the most stereotypical "evil" drink possible.

At the counter of the bar though, Byakuya and Ulquiorra sipped at their drinks with the bitterest expressions possible. Their ally's personal life was usually irrelevant to them, but when he was dating one of their sworn rivals, it only meant that it would cause trouble for the both of them. Halibel's ability to seemingly to plan nearly everything perfectly was bad enough, but now without Itachi to battle off against her, the two of them had no way of surviving against her.

"Another drink, please." Byakuya droned.

"Alright, whaddya want?" the bartender asked.

"Anything really strong," Byakuya answered.

"I'll have the same," Ulquiorra added.

Without another word, the bartender set off to make the drinks quickly and set the glasses down in front of them. Both Byakuya and Ulquiorra were already feeling pretty buzzed, but due to their situation, they quickly downed their alcoholic drinks and asked for another. Both of them knew that they'd probably wind up doing something disgraceful because of how much they were drinking, but at this point, they didn't care.

However, they weren't the only ones that were getting boozed up. Back in the corner, both Halibel and Itachi were also drinking a lot, as their fans kept buying them drinks. Halibel had recently built up an impressive tolerance to alcohol, but Itachi was slowly feeling his head get more and more dizzy. Itachi was a proud man though, so he continued to drink to make sure he at least looked equal to Halibel.

After an hour passed by though, Halibel glared at the man across from her as he mumbled about his "foolish little brother" and how he'd been trying all of his life to steal his eyes from him all of his life. Halibel tried to put up with him, but more and more, she felt the urge to slap him across the face. However, just when she thought that he was at his worst, she saw a whole different side to him.

Itachi started laughing maniacally, causing the entire bar to freeze in horror. The normally calm man now held a crazy-eyed expression, while crashing his glass down for seemingly no reason at all.

"All of you in this bar are worthless excuses for beings! I've worked to be the best my entire life, but now that I'm in this damned world, all I can see are lazy obese people who only care about how entertained they are! Well, I for one, hope you all burn in hell!" Itachi yelled in a drunken rage.

Although everyone was inching away from him in absolute terror, Itachi and Byakuya laughed, as both of them were feeling the effects of alcohol in full swing at that point. Finally picking themselves up from their bar stools, Ulquiorra managed to catch Byakuya by the shoulders before he fell to the ground. However, the impact only caused Ulquiorra to fall back onto the bar counter, causing the both of them to laugh again.

"We should really get out of here before the pieces of trash start stampeding on us." Byakuya said in a drunken slur.

Ulquiorra grunted in agreement, and the two soon had their arms over each other shoulders while they hobbled toward the door. In the meantime, Halibel had bitchslapped Itachi across the face and stormed out another door. Both of them stopped from the noise of the slap, but they just shrugged their shoulders and continued out the door.

"You know, although that hairpiece is still atrocious, your hair looks really good." Ulquiorra muttered out.

"I know I'm beautiful, but your skin is flawless, although your makeup is unsophisticated." Byakuya slurred back.

"We both kind of look like each other, do we not? So naturally, we're both beautiful." Ulquiorra said.

The two continued to compliment each other's beauty while walking into the sunset, all while ignoring the fact that they were so drunk, they didn't even notice that they bumped into nearly every person they walked past and caused a few car accidents to happen as they crossed the streets.

On the other side of the bar though, Nnoitra's car pulled up to the curb, and he quickly emerged from the vehicle with Orihime, while Grimmjow dragged behind them. Nnoitra dashed out in front of them, but as he saw a distressed looking Halibel come out of the establishment, he froze. Noticing the lanky man from across the street, Halibel paused as well, while they both just stood and looked at each other, while the wind wildly blew Nnoitra's long hair behind him.

Realizing that the scene in front of her resembled one from a stereotypical shoujo anime, Orihime's eyes started to water. Despite the fact that several cars were honking around them, Nnoitra and Halibel continued to stare at each other.

"This is fuckin' stupid," Grimmjow muttered as he watched with an obvious annoyed expression.

Slowly, Nnoitra and Halibel walked towards each other until they were only a foot apart in the middle of the street. While Halibel's expression was unreadable, Nnoitra looked on with a soft expression.

"I know that I'm worthless in your eyes…but…I can't stand the thought of you being with someone else." Nnoitra said as he looked away. "Halibel…I…I think I'm in love with you."

Halibel blinked a few times while Nnoitra continued to look away. Finally, Halibel maneuvered Nnoitra's face so that he was looking directly at her face. She then took her hand and slapped him hard across the face. Nnoitra yelped in pain, but it didn't stop Halibel as she then proceeded to knee him in the groin. He doubled over in pain, but Halibel only continued her assault on him for a good two minutes before looking down at him while crossing her arms.

"Why didn't you answer your phone, you imbecile?" Halibel growled at him.

"I forgot it at home?" Nnoitra choked out, which only prompted Halibel to kick him a few more times.

"You idiot! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have that pathetic idiot chasing me around everywhere!"

"She has another idiot, Ibesides/I Nnoitra following her around?" Orihime muttered under her breath.

"Halibel! That psycho doctor wasn't for you! I'm the one for you! Me!" Dan the Stalker cried out.

Upon seeing the obese man, Nnoitra went over to the man and smacked him across the face. When the man was seemingly unaffected, Nnoitra continued his attack by elbowing him in the gut. However, when Dan still didn't seem too hurt, Nnoitra looked back at Halibel in disbelief.

"What the fuck is up with this guy?!"

"That's what I've been dealing with all day," Halibel droned. "And now, I'm left with one option."

"Hanging from a helicopter and shooting him with a grenade launcher?" Nnoitra suggested.

"No, I hired some guy with an animal name to do that earlier today," Halibel said with a sigh. "It didn't affect him."

"Well…then what the hell else can we do?" Nnoitra asked.

"Nnoitra…" Halibel said as she stared intensely at him. "Marry me."

Nnoitra stood in silence, not believing what he just heard. Orihime, who was on the verge of tears, suddenly had a strange look of strain upon her face. Stark and Szayel Aporro, who walked out of a Game Stop, the next door over, paused as they noticed that the entire household was in one area. Grimmjow, in the meantime, still looked really annoyed over the whole situation.

"Did…did you just propose to me?" Nnoitra asked.

"Of course I did," Halibel replied. "So do you accept it or not?"

Although Orihime looked happy about the whole thing, she looked to be in pain. She then stiffened for a moment before looking over to Grimmjow.

"Grimmjow…I think my water broke." Orihime said as she groaned in pain.

"Huh? What the fuck does that mean?" he asked with a confused look on his face.

"You dragged her along with you?" Halibel said to Nnoitra with a scowl. She then smacked the back of his head. "Idiot! Get in the car and drive us all to the hospital!"

Hurriedly, Halibel and Nnoitra supported Orihime into the car, while a clueless Grimmjow followed behind and went in the car. Dan the Stalker tried to follow, but Grimmjow kicked him away before he could enter one of the car doors. Watching the drama unfold, Szayel Aporro and Stark looked even more confused.

"Wow…that was like…two cliffhangers at the same time." Stark commented.

"And knowing Ulquiorra, he probably got himself into another gay cliffhanger with Byakuya." Szayel Aporro added.

--

Flash forward to the next morning…

--

Although his head was throbbing, Ulquiorra could not sleep anymore. Slowly, he opened his eyes and gave a low groan of pain. Normally, the former Cuatro Espada didn't dream, but for some reason, he swore that he dreamt that he had sexual intercourse with himself. The scary part was that the very thought of it was strangely appealing. However, he had to erase those kinds of thoughts from his mind, otherwise he would be no better than that cad, Nnoitra.

Finally, he managed to sit up in his bed. Around that time was when he noticed that he wasn't wearing any cloths, which was odd, because he Inever/I slept naked. All of the sudden, a feeling of dread knotted in his stomach as he realized that he was very intoxicated the night before. Hesitantly, he turned his head to the side and looked in horror as he saw who was next to him in the bed. It didn't take him long to piece together what had really happened in his dream as he promptly slid off the bed and put his pants back on.

"Byakuya, wake up," Ulquiorra said after turning around. "We need to talk."

--

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Stark said with a nod.

"Why is it that we seemingly do a lot less than everyone else in the house?" Szayel Aporro asked. "Because aside from us two going to Game Stop to pick up a copy of Manhunt 2 to entertain my daughter here, we really haven't done anything else today."

"Probably because I usually sleep all day and you hole yourself up in the basement doing who knows what." Stark said with a sigh. "But the surprising thing is that Nikita hasn't bit you the whole day today."

Indeed, although Nikita looked a little bored while being carried by her father, she had not bit him yet.

"Well, it's either because she's starting to grow fond of me, or she's tired, I guess." Szayel said with a shrug.

"Probably the latter," Stark replied.

"Yeah, probably." Szayel Aporro said in agreement, while the two began to walk across the street to the car. "So…what should we do next?"

"Oh! I almost forgot! I need to tell you something!" Stark exclaimed.

"And what would that be?" Szayel Aporro asked as he rose a brow.

However, before Stark could reply, Nnoitra backed up his car quickly, not even noticing as he accidentally knocked him unconscious onto the street. Szayel Aporro, who was just barely out of range of getting hit, looked down with weird expression #427 before giving a frustrated groan.

"Well, at least we all got our cliffhanger ending."

--

Author's Notes

--

So yeah, THE CRACK IS BACK IN FULL FORCE, BABY! WOOOOOO!

In case you missed Itachi's little dialogue, Dan Chase is someone I actually know. And trust me, he's the creepiest person I've ever met. He's the only person that if I see him, I RUN the other way. .

Then for the people who didn't catch the reference, when Nnoitra said something about firing a grenade launcher from a helicopter, that was referring to Solid Snake's Final Smash attack in Super Smash Brothers Brawl, which is a sweet game by the way.

In personal news, for anyone attending Anime Detour in Minnesota this year, I'll be up there with my sisters every day. I'll be cosplaying as Hueco Mundo Orihime, so look for me there!

Anyways, in the NEXT chapter of Worse Than Death, the answers to all the cliffhangers I left you all with will be answered! Will Nnoitra accept Halibel's proposal?! Will Orihime deliver her baby safely?! Will Stark recover from being hit by a car?! What did he need to tell Szayel anyways? And what the HELL is going on between Ulquiorra and Byakuya?! All of these questions shall be answered, and the results may just split the SHOGUNS group apart! Will they be able to work through the changes or will everyone tragically be torn apart? Find out in the next EXCITING chapter of Worse Than Death!


	13. Chapter 13

--

Worse Than Death

Chapter Thirteen

By Renegade Raine

--

"Mfph mff mf fph mphmpfh fffpfh!"

"What Grimmjow? I couldn't understand you!" Nnoitra said with an exaggerated wave of his hand before making a sly grin. "Could you repeat that for me?"

Grimmjow glared back at him hatefully. If he could, he'd strangle the damned man, but his hands and feet were being restrained with a set of restraints that Halibel conveniently took with her wherever she went. The thing that pissed him off the most though was that she also tied a cloth tightly over his mouth. And now, both Nnoitra and Halibel just kept making fun of him as he tried to yell at them to untie him.

However, Halibel was right to restrain him after the stunt he pulled. Hearing her scream from outside the room, he mistakenly thought his wife was under some horrible kind of torture from the medical staff. Busting into the room, he threatened to kill the doctors and nurses in the loudest and most profane way possible, which led to everyone deciding that it would be best if he were to be restrained until the baby could be delivered.

"Nfphff mph phfff nphf!"

"Your words don't make any sense," Halibel said calmly. "Care to repeat that again?"

Grimmjow mentally swore that he was going to kill both of them once he got the damned ties off from his limbs.

In the meantime, Szayel Aporro and Stark walked down the hallway. Surprisingly, Stark looked to be in perfect health. It turned out that after he arrived at the hospital, the car never actually hit him. What actually happened was that Stark fell asleep right before Nnoitra's car crashed into him. The impact of hitting his head against the pavement rendered him unconscious, but his body fell right underneath the car and managed to escape from any serious injury.

"Isn't that usually Nnoitra's position?" Szayel Aporro asked as he looked down at Grimmjow on the floor.

"No, that's just the idiot position, and Nnoitra usually does at least one stupid thing a day," Halibel replied.

"Mphf nmphf nph nphmphmffph!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Grimmjow. I don't understand the speech of morons," Szayel Aporro said with a shrug. "Perhaps you'd like to try again in a more intelligent matter?"

"Mphf nmphnphf phfmnph mphnphf nphf mphf nphf mphff nphfphf!"

"Huh? What was that?" Stark asked as he made an exaggerated confused expression. "I could have sworn I heard something!"

Grimmjow grumbled as the three other men laughed at him. Apparently he had some others he'd have to go after whenever his limbs were free again.

"Oh man, this is too fun," Nnoitra said as he laughed. "I bet if Ulquiorra was here, even he'd get in on the fun!"

Coincidently, the mentioned man just happened to go through the doors of Ryuuken's clinic (since Grimmjow did not want the baby delivered at the Kurosaki Clinic at any cost). Upon hearing his name mentioned, he walked towards the others in the waiting room. However, upon his abnormally disheveled appearance, everyone aside from Stark looked at him strangely.

"Wow, Ulquiorra. You look like hell," Stark commented as he made a wolfish smirk. "But we both know why, don't we?"

"Oh really?" Nnoitra said with a grin. "Care to enlighten the rest of us?"

"I swear, if you tell anyone what happened..." Ulquiorra said in a threatening tone, but Stark only shrugged him off.

"Nah, it's more fun to keep everyone in the dark," he said. Before he continued, he gave Ulquiorra an uncharacteristic look of warning. "I can't believe you'd try to intimidate me though, _number four_."

Ulquiorra didn't pay much mind to him though as he looked down at Grimmjow's bound form on the ground. Exasperated, Grimmjow sighed and looked away.

"Mph nphf phff…"

The two looked at each other silently for a moment after that. Finally, Ulquiorra closed his eyes before talking. "I'm afraid I could not understand a word that you just said. "

Grimmjow was now glowering as Stark, Nnoitra, and Szayel Aporro broke into laughter again. Eventually though, the laughter died down as Szayel Aporro looked back at Ulquiorra.

"So why is your appearance so…untidy today?" Szayel Aporro asked. "From my observations, I would hypothesize that from your droopy eyes and the smell of your breath, you appear to be intoxicated."

"Yes, your assumptions are correct," Ulquiorra responded, figuring it was best to admit that much, at least.

"Then the stereotypical thing to do, after getting drunk, is to wind up sleeping with someone. Then typically, you wind up regretting it by the morning," Szayel Aporro continued.

It was fortunate for Ulquiorra that his face was naturally emotionless, otherwise the horror would be written all over his face. However, he figured that it would again be best to just go with it. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh! Szayel found something juicy!" Nnoitra said with great glee before patting an arm on Ulquiorra's shoulder. "So…who was it? Was it a fat chick? A butter-face? A tranny?"

"Neither," Ulquiorra answered. However, he figured that now was as good time as any to tell a lie. He didn't like having to resort to it, but if he remained unresponsive, Halibel or Nnoitra was bound to figure out who his real bed partner was the night before. "I don't remember her name, but I do recall that she was supposed to be the vice-captain of the Tenth Division in Soul Society."

"Wait…wait…you mean Rangiku Matsumoto?!" Nnoitra asked him.

"Yes, I believe that's what her name was," Ulquiorra affirmed.

The other men looked back at Ulquiorra with awe. Even Grimmjow looked a little impressed on the floor.

"No shit?!" Nnoitra exclaimed. "Wow, I think we all misjudged you, Ulquiorra! I mean…that chick is HOT. How did you do it?!"

"Well, when one drinks enough alcohol, it greatly skews their perception of things, I suppose," Ulquiorra said, knowing all too well how true that statement was.

Halibel, however, didn't seem to buy it. "Wasn't it you that I saw at the bar last night? And if I remember right, I believe I saw you leaving with Byakuya in the corner of my eye."

"Yes, I was at the bar last night with that uncivilized man," Ulquiorra responded, while quickly trying to dig for a scenario in his head. "But that bar was too low class for even his tastes, so we both left. However, once we got outside, we disagreed on our next location, so we split off from there. All I remember after that was that I entered another location, had a couple of drinks, and woke up next to that woman."

"So why the hell are you so hesitant to talk about it?!" Nnoitra chided him. "I'd be bragging about it all day long!"

"Of course you would," Ulquiorra said dryly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Nnoitra said with a raise of his brow. "But anyways, why are you here anyways?"

"Inoue-san sent me a text message yesterday, saying that she was going to have her child soon," he answered. "Normally, I would not care, but she's treated me fairly well, so I figured that I could come see her at least."

"Oh yeah, that chick was having a kid, wasn't she?" Nnoitra thought out loud. "I almost forgot, since terrorizing Grimmjow has been so goddamned fun."

Everyone looked at Nnoitra dryly, but no one was surprised to hear idiocy spew from his mouth once again.

"And may I inquire as to why the two of you are here?" Ulquiorra asked Szayel Aporro and Stark. "Usually, you two rarely ever leave the house."

"Well, Szayel thought that I got totaled by a car, so he called an ambulance. However, as you can see, I'm perfectly fine! I just wanted to stick around, to see how Nikita would act around the new kid. I am her godfather, you know?" Stark explained. "I'm almost touched that Szayel cared enough to call the ambulance though."

"I only did it because you said that you had something to tell me, you idiot," Szayel Aporro grumbled.

"Oh yeah! That's right! I was gonna tell you…" Stark said excitedly, but then went into deep thought. "…ah shit, I forgot."

"Surely you're joking?" Szayel Aporro suggested, but was answered with a shake of Stark's head. "Then I guess that I have no other alternative."

In a flash of movement, Szayel Aporro promptly took out a tranquilizer gun out of a pocket and shot a dart at the offending man's neck. To everyone's surprise though, Stark didn't seem affected by it at all.

"Ow!" Stark exclaimed as he pulled the dart out of his neck. "What the fuck was that for? You don't have to be an ass about it!"

It was then when Szayel Aporro came to a disturbing conclusion. "Stark…why is it that you haven't fallen asleep since you woke up a few hours ago?"

"Huh…that is kind of strange, isn't it?" Stark said thoughtfully before freaking out in an uncharacteristic matter. "Wait! If I can't fall asleep, I won't be able to make use of my cognitive skills! Even with my ability to break the fourth wall, I'll never get back into Hueco Mundo this way!"

"What the hell is this 'fourth wall' anyways?" Nnoitra asked.

"Heh, even Aizen didn't know, but part of the reason my ranking is so high is because he thought that it sounded powerful," Stark explained before tilting his head at an odd angle. "But you guys at home understand what I mean perfectly, don't you?

"I think that the car crash has messed with his head." Halibel said dryly. "I think he's delusional."

"See? Your guys' minds are incapable of grasping the real meaning of our existence," Stark said with a sigh. "If you guys knew the truth about everything, I guarantee that _none_ of you would be able to handle it!"

"Now the stupid fucker's trying to scare us!" Nnoitra said with a roll of his eye.

"Speak for yourself, dude," Stark said with a shrug.

Needless to say, Nnoitra was not pleased. He started to walk toward the higher ranked man with a scowl on his face, but a nurse came into the waiting room before it could escalate to a physical fight. The nurse gave Grimmjow a weird look upon seeing him on the floor before speaking.

"Congratulations, it's a boy!"

"Mmph nph mff mmf mph nphf mmphf?"

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that again?" the nurse asked with a mischievous look in her eyes.

Exasperated, Grimmjow slumped to the ground as everyone, aside from Ulquiorra and Halibel, laughed at his expense. Apparently he had a whole legion of people to take down on his list. After the laughter died down though, Halibel finally removed the restraints from his body. He had the urge to punch her in the fact, but he had to go and make sure that his wife wasn't being subject to some terrible torture, even if Halibel scolded him, informing Grimmjow that it was normal to scream during the delivery. He'd deal with everyone else later.

In a rush, he busted through the door of the room that Orihime occupied. Startled by his sudden entrance, she blinked a couple of times before giving off a nervous smile. "With the expression on your face, it would seem like you thought that I was under some horrendous kind of torture or something!"

Orihime laughed, but it still scared Grimmjow on how accurate his wife was at reading people sometimes.

"Of course not!" You think that I'm an idiot or something?" Grimmjow replied with a forced laugh. "I…uh…just wanted to see my son!"

She gave him an odd look for a couple of seconds, which made him fear that he didn't buy her story. However, her face quickly brightened up. Luckily, she was very gullible, as well as insightful.

"Oh yeah, silly me!" she said as she lifted her new child. "Look, there's your daddy, Demy-X!"

He had been trying to mentally prepare himself to be a father, but as he stared at his son, the gravity of it all finally hit him. He was a father now, and he didn't have a single clue as to what he was supposed to do now.

"Pick him up!" Orihime suggested to her confused husband.

Both father and son looked at each other curiously before Grimmjow hesitantly reached his arms out. Holding his son out away from him, he continued to inspect the child. However, the bonding moment was soon broken as a voice filled the room.

"Naaaaants igonyaaaaama bagigithi baba!' Zommari sung.

All of the sudden, a group of nurses stuck their heads into the room and provided backup vocals. "Sithi uhm igonyama!"

The nurses then went back into the hallway as Grimmjow donned a dull expression. "Oh god…"

"We know this one!" Orihime said excitedly." It's from the Lion King!"

"Yeah, I know," Grimmjow grumbled.

What she didn't mention was that she had made him watch the movie dozens of times to try to make him feel better about the fact that his released form resembled a cat. However, it only further embarrassed him.

"Naaaaants igonyaaaaaama bagithiiiiii babaaaaaa!" Zommari continued, which caused Demy-X to giggle in delight.

Again, the nurses popped their heads into the room to provide backup. "Sithi uhhmm igonyama! Igonyama!"

"If you exist, please kill me now," Grimmjow muttered as he tilted his head in the air.

Zommari and the nurses continued to sing in the background as Stark and Szayel Aporro came into the room.

"Oh, Lion King today, huh?" Stark commented, as he was used to Zommari's random musical outbursts. He then turned to Grimmjow and Orihime. "So, I thought it would be a cool idea to bring Nikita her to see how well the kids would react to each other. Are you okay with that?"

"That is a good idea!" Orihime said happily. "I say go for it!"

"Get your kid out then, Szayel," Stark said to his companion, but he looked back at him with sour expression #187.

"No, last time I took her out of the baby carrier, the brat bit my finger off!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed. "So you can do it. At least she likes you!"

"Oh fine," Stark said as he walked behind him to retrieve Nikita from the carrier on Szayel Aporro's back. He then held Nikita out in front of Demy-X.

Upon seeing another infant, Demy-X squealed happily. Nikita, however, didn't seem to enjoy the meeting as much as the boy did. She continued to analyze him though, so she could secretly figure out if he was a good potential candidate to be a future lackey of hers. With her advanced intelligence, she figured that she could never be too young to plan her own future.

However, when Demy-X reached out to touch her, she quickly reached a tiny hand out to his face. Instantly, Demy-X started bawling.

Grimmjow only looked more confounded than he already was. "What the hell just happened?"

"I…I think she just baby-bitchslapped him!" Stark answered in a humorous tone.

"It's love already!" Nnoitra proclaimed as he entered the room with Halibel.

"Naturally, you _would_ think that…" Szayel Aporro said with a sigh.

"Uh-uh! No son of mine's gonna be a bitch to anyone else!" Grimmjow protested as he held Demy-X in the air. "You're going to be a _real_ man, just like your dad!"

Everyone laughed about the situation, but Nnoitra watched silently. Halibel had proposed to him the day before, and it was all that ran through his mind since then. He knew that he would always be below her in her eyes, and he'd only commit to that if he chose to go through with the marriage. As he watched Grimmjow interact with Demy-X though, he realized that he wanted to be able to do that as well someday. In fact, it was then that he realized that his biological clock had been ticking like crazy for the last year or so.

"Halibel…" he spoke suddenly. "Let's get married."

"It's about time you decided," Halibel said dully as she pulled out a cellphone and dialed the number of her manager. "Hey, this is Halle Berry. Yeah…I'm going to need the most elaborate and ridiculously expensive wedding planned as soon as possible. What? Are you sure that's the only priest available? Oh, alright…I can deal with it. Oh, and one more thing? I need this all tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?!" Nnoitra shrieked as Halibel put the phone back into her pocket. "Oh hell no! I saw that movie! These two people fall in love and say that they're gonna get married the next day. The next day comes, and the bitch gets thrown into a well. Then basically, the chick falls in love with a douchebag lawyer and the dumbass prince winds up marrying another chick that was just kind of there!"

"Oh! I know that movie too!" Orihime shouted out. "That was Enchanted!"

"YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME FOR THAT GODDAMNED LAWYER!" Nnoitra shouted as he pointed an accusing finger at his fiancé.

"I don't think that movie is the best metaphor for this situation though," Orihime muttered under her breath.

Halibel sighed and slapped him across the face. "From now on, you're officially banned from all chick flicks!"

"Well, it's not like I have any reason to watch them anymore," Nnoitra grumbled in a bitter tone.

"Anyways, we're getting married tomorrow," Halibel announced to everyone in the room. "We need seat fillers, so all of you better be there."

She then grabbed a part of Nnoitra's shirt and dragged him out of the room to prepare for the next day.

--

The next day, Szayel Aporro was concerned to see that Stark was still awake, playing video games when he came up from his room in the basement. He didn't care about the fact that his comrade was suffering from a major case of insomnia. He just knew that there was something that Stark had to tell him, and it was driving him crazy to not know what that something was.

"Have you even tried to go to sleep yet?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Halibel made me take some of her sleeping pills. Apparently, she carries the bottle around with her to create controversy if she's not in the tabloids enough," Stark answered. "But when it didn't affect me, she made me take the whole bottle. Normally, it would be enough to kill a person, but it barely even caused me to blink!"

"Huh…well, did you try anything else?"

"Uh huh," Stark said with a nod of his head. "I tried tiring myself out, then I tried to render myself unconscious again. Neither of those tactics worked. And then, Nnoitra tried to chloroform me, because he wanted to know if Halibel was going to leave him for some 'douchebag lawyer'."

"None of that worked?"

"Nope."

"Hmph…it would appear that I need to do more experimentation," Szayel Aporro said right before his cellphone went off. Upon hearing "Happiness in Slavery" as the ringtone, he gave a sigh.

"Who's calling? I don't think that I heard that one before…" Stark commented.

"It's Nnoitra," Szayel Aporro groaned. "The last time that idiot wanted something from me, we wound up shrinking Neliel, which in turn led us to go on a life-changing adventure through alternative universes."

"Wait…what?!" Stark exclaimed. "Why did I never hear about this?"

"We both swore to never speak of it again," Szayel Aporro said, trying to block the horrible memories of his past adventure. Deciding that it was best to finish whatever it was that Nnoitra wanted, he finally answered the phone. "What the hell do you want _this_ time?"

--

Fifteen minutes earlier…

--

"Why is Tesla not answering his phone?!" Nnoitra shrieked as he threw down his phone. "That fucker was supposed to be my best man!"

"Somehow, I get the feeling that it has something to do with the fact that none of my bitches are answering their phones either, "Halibel muttered.

--

Elsewhere, in Nnoitra's old room at Hueco Mundo, Tesla sat in a hot tub with Halibel's entire fraccion surrounding him.

Appache heard her cellphone ring and quickly checked the caller ID.

"Guys, it's Halibel-sama! What should we do?" Appache exclaimed as she quickly stood up in the hot tub. "More importantly, how the hell do our phones pick up calls from other dimensions?!"

"Ah, that's because Aizen-sama has gifted us with the best cellphone rates in all of existence," Tesla explained to her. "But don't worry about Halibel-sama, she was exiled from this place, remember? So let's just relax ourselves in Nnoitra-sama's room, since he can't do anything about it anyways."

"You know what? You're right," Mila Rose said. "Don't even bother answering the phone. That bitch can do her own work for once!"

Mila Rose's phone started ringing soon after, but she ignored it. Sun-Sun's phone then rang. She tentatively looked over at it, but then she ignored it as well.

"I have the feeling that we're going to regret this later," Sun-Sun said with a sigh.

"Oh loosen up, Sun-chan!" Tesla said as he put an arm around her. His phone rang, but he didn't bother to even look at it.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Sun-Sun asked.

"One missed phone call is nothing compared to hanging out with you three ladies," he replied with a wink. He then put his arm around the other two women in the hot tub. "So…what sign are you ladies anyways?"

--

"So who the hell are you going to use as your maid of honor then?" Nnoitra asked.

"Well, there's always Nel, as she _was_ the one who-" Halibel suggested, but was quickly cut off.

"No," he replied flatly.

"Then I guess that leaves me with Orihime," she said with a shrug. "Somehow I get the feeling that she'd probably be overjoyed getting the offer anyways. What are you going to do about finding a best man?"

"Well, Ulquiorra sucks, so that rules him out. Stark's boring, so that rules him out too. And Grimmjow? He's a douchebag," Nnoitra mumbled to himself. "So I guess that leaves me with my ol' pal, Szayel."

"You guys were friends?" Halibel said with a raised brow.

"Yeah, we used to pull all sorts of jackass stunts with each other!" Nnoitra said as he smiled at the nostalgia of it all. However, it didn't last for long as his lips curled down in a deep sneer. "That was until we got stuck in some weird adventure where we traveled through alternate universes."

"…why did I never hear of this?"

"Because after we got stuck in the Tetris realm, we swore to never speak of it again," Nnoitra explained. "That game seems innocent until you're an I-block caught between an O-block and a L-block. It was then when I realized that the game was one big orgy!"

Halibel only gave her fiancé a knowing look. Upon figuring out that he said a little too much, Nnoitra cursed out loud. She only rolled her turquoise eyes in response.

"We've got things we need to plan, so get your ass on the phone, so you can be my bagboy, bitch," Halibel said in her annoyance.

"Y-yes, ma'am…"

--

In the meantime, after Szayel Aporro left to attend to the duties of being the selected best man, Stark decided to hang around the house and for the first time in a long time, he actually _tried_ to sleep. However, as soon as he thought he might drift off, the doorbell rang through the house.

Irritated, he picked himself up from the bed and walked to the door. He pushed the door open and saw a woman that seemed vaguely familiar. After giving it some thought though, he immediately recognized her.

"Halle Berry? The REAL Halle Berry?" Stark asked as he looked in confusion.

"Yeah," she affirmed in a curt tone. "You know where that imposter bitch is at?"

"I think she was getting married at that Square Garden thing in town, why?"

"That's all I needed to know," she murmured and started to head away from the door. Before leaving the area though, she regarded Stark with one last look and handed a DVD over to him. "Here, you can have this as a token of my thanks!"

Stark just scratched his head as he looked on with a bemused expression. He didn't know why the real Halle Berry was looking for Halibel, but he finally just shrugged it off. With everything that had happened to him since being exiled to Karakura Town, there really wasn't anything that shocked him too much.

He finally looked down at the DVD and frowned slightly when he looked at the title. Out of all the possible movies she could have given him, why was it _that_ movie? He had never bothered to watch it before, but he had only heard bad things about it.

In reaction, he was tempted to catch up to that presumptuous actress and fling it at her face. However, after thinking about it a little, he wondered if it was a blessing in disguise. He knew that he wasn't going to be able to sleep, but at least he could be cured of his boredom. Even if the movie was as terrible as he heard from everyone else, it had to at least be as entertaining as the Street Fighter movie or any Steven Segal movie, right?

He knew that he would never hear the end of it from anyone else if he got caught watching it, but all the tenants of the house just happened to be busy at the moment. So without feeling any shame, he set up his DVD player and put his newly acquired movie on. Although the knowledge of him being soulless was already common knowledge, the epiphany of it all hit him. He was a grown man, and he was spending a perfectly fine afternoon watching Catwoman.

There was no turning back for him now.

--

About one hour before the wedding, the sky was a terrible shade of grey and the rain pelted down heavily from above. The weather, however, did not wash away Ulquiorra's determination of stopping the event at all costs. It was true that the Cuatro Espada was starting to get used to Halibel and Nnoitra's antics, but what was terrifying to him was the prospect of the two of them procreating.

Nnoitra was an evil bastard to the core and Halibel was cunningly intelligent and had an impressive ability to take control of any situation she came across. Individually, they were bad enough, but as a team, they were nearly unstoppable. However, if they were to have a child (or god forbid, _children_) that would inherit all of their dominant traits, it would surely mean that his life would be even more hellacious than it already was in the present.

So even though the rain had him completely soaked as he stood in front of Karakura Square Garden, Ulquiorra disregarded it as he held up a sign, which protested the wedding. The thing that shocked him the most though was not the fact that every bystander seemed to just ignore him, but the fact that Byakuya was not there protesting along side him. Sure, he had told the Shinigami captain to stay away from him, but this wedding signified everything that was wrong in both of their worlds.

However, before Ulquiorra lost all hope, he soon saw his comrade, Itachi, approach from a distance. Upon seeing the pale-faced man in the rain, Itachi gave him a blank look before casting his gaze to the sky.

"The weather is quite unfavorable for holding up paper signs, don't you think?" Itachi commented as he looked at Ulquiorra's dilapidated sign.

"Do you have a better idea to stop this apocalyptic event then?" Ulquiorra asked.

"No," Itachi answered. "In fact, I'm here to tell you that I'm ending my alliance with you, as of today."

"What is the meaning of this?" Ulquiorra asked, without giving the slightest hint of anxiety in his speech, although the emotion surged through his head. "I thought you sympathized with me and Byakuya."

"I only allied with you two until I found my place in this world." Itachi said coldly. "And I believe my place in the food chain of this world is far higher than the likes of you fools."

"So why are you betraying us now?"

"Remember when I classified myself as 'self-sexual'?" Itachi asked. Ulquiorra didn't respond, but he continued anyways. "Well, I had long thought that to be true, but in the brief time of my romantic entanglement with Miss Halibel, I found that I am indeed heterosexual. In other words, I fell for her. However, I made a mistake and there's no way I can get back with her now. Nevertheless, I still fully intend to make it up to her, and the first step is to sever my ties to people I never should have aligned myself with in the first place."

"So you're going to attend the wedding?"

"Yes," Itachi replied simply before turning to Karakura Square Garden. But then he remembered something and tilted his head around. "Oh, and when I told you that you were 'self-sexual' as well? That was a lie to make you feel better. I've always known that you were gay."

"I am not homosexual."

"Oh yes you are," Itachi retorted. "And since I know you're subconsciously wondering about it, my power to see beyond the fourth wall tells me that you'll find the answer to Byakuya's sexuality soon enough. So you might want to admit to truth to your self…and him before it's too late."

With that, Itachi left to go inside the building, leaving behind a very confused Ulquiorra in the worsening storm.

--

In the meantime, as Orihime was in another room, getting prepared for the wedding, Grimmjow had to wait in another room with his newborn son. The worst part of the situation though was that Demy-X had been crying ever since they got into the building. Oddly, Orihime had been happy about it, as she knew that it was usually a little while babies could wail like he did, but Grimmjow just wanted to bang his head against the wall in frustration.

After an hour of listening to his bawling, Grimmjow could feel his violent urges rising up in his mind. However, he was determined to mold his son into a true man, and killing him wouldn't accomplish anything. He also got the feeling that his wife wouldn't be too happy about it.

Instead, he let out a sigh as he unzipped his electric guitar from its case. After looking around a bit, Grimmjow managed to find a place to plus his amp in, and hooked his guitar up to it. He placed the baby carrier that Demy-X was in on the ground before picking his instrument up to practice playing the main riff of the song he was somehow roped into performing during the wedding.

At first, he was so caught up in his playing that he didn't even notice that his son stopped crying. But once he moved onto playing one of his original riffs, he momentarily paused in amazement as Demy-X cooed in delight. Intrigued by his son's apparent interest in guitars, he began to play heavier songs by bands such as earlier Metallica (because according to Grimmjow, their more recent stuff was for "pussies"), Slayer, Dimmu Borgir, Children of Bodom, and Dethklok. Amazingly, each song only seemed to make the baby even happier. Finally, Grimmjow stopped playing, but Demy-X continued to stare at his father in awe.

"Y'like that, huh?" Grimmjow asked. "Well, I suppose I can teach you how to play. Even if you grow up to be the pansy boy I think you're gonna be, if you learn how to play the guitar, all the bitches will love you."

Demy-X made a sound in approval, which caused his father to grin.

"Atta boy!" he exclaimed. "Now first of all, this is an E string…"

Orihime came into the room a few minutes later, and was happy that her husband was bonding with his son, however, she thought that maybe he getting a little too eager about the whole thing.

"Um…honey…I don't think he can remember all of that yet," Orihime said with a slight laugh.

"Y'gotta start them young," Grimmjow said with a shrug. "But anyways, since you're back, I wanted to talk with you about something."

"Oh? What did you need to talk about?"

"I think we should move," Grimmjow stated.

"Eh? But the SHOGUNS house won't be the SHOGUNS house without us!" Orihime exclaimed in horror.

"Trust me, I'm really worried about that, but we've got other things to worry about," Grimmjow said sarcastically. "Mainly, that if Nnoitra and Halibel are married, they'll probably engage in random acts of sadomasochism even more than usual, and I really don't want my son to get into that kinda shit."

"Even if I wish you wouldn't swear around the baby, I see your point, I guess," Orihime said with a sigh. "So are we going to find another place in town?"

"Hell no, we're getting out of the fuckin' country," Grimmjow replied, while ignoring Orihime scolding him about his language again.

"Another country?! But I have friends here!" Orihime protested.

"They can come visit," Grimmjow countered.

"Fine," Orihime said in defeat. "Where do you suppose we should move to?"

"I thought long and hard about this," Grimmjow smirked. "First of all, the US is full of fatass people, and I don't want any of us to be like those fuckers. The English people have bad teeth, the Netherlands is full of stoners, German people scare me, the French are pussies, Mexico has shitty water, the Caribbean islands are full of more stoners and reggae music, Canada only has maple syrup, moose, and Celine Dion, so that's a big fuck no, Russia has stupid looking fluffy hats, Romania is full of vampires, Antarctica has penguins, which I'm fully convinced are secret minions of Ulquiorra, South America has malaria and cocaine, China has too many fucking people, India has those scary Bollywood movies, and I'm not even gonna start with Africa."

"Wow," Orihime said simply as she took all of his words in. "I think you just managed to insult every country on Earth. Are you proposing that we go to another planet?"

"Nah, I thought about it, but it would be too much work," Grimmjow said with a shrug. "Instead, I propose that we go to Australia, because they just talk weird and have kangaroos and dingos. Plus, it seems like a manly place to raise my son."

"O…kay," Orihime stuttered. "So when are we moving?"

"Right after the wedding."

"Wait…_what_?"

--

Around a half an hour later, a massive amount of people sat in their assigned seats as they waited for the wedding to start. The crowd hushed in anticipation as the lights dimmed in the arena. The room then lit up in a variety of colors as a laser light show was displayed on the main stage.

"Many years ago, two arrancar were created in another dimension. These two people grew in power and became two members of the legendary evil force of the Espada. Through there, the egos of the man and the woman collided, which first led to mutual hatred, but eventually led to a lot of hate sex," an ominous voice spoke through the PA system. "Despite their rocky beginning though, Nnoitra, the arrogant warrior, learned to accept the fact that he would always be Halibel's man bitch. And thus, today, the two shall be wed in an unholy matrimony. This…is the wedding…of Halibel and Nnoitra."

Instantly, another one of the stages lit up, and the members of BECK, a band that recently achieved worldwide success, were made visible to the crowd. Normally, BECK would not play for weddings, but the money they were being offered was far too much to refuse. A couple of minutes after they started, two more stages opposite from each other from both sides of the area lit up. On one side, Andrea Bocelli started singing. Shortly afterwards, Sarah Brightman, who was on the other side, started singing along with him in Italian.

No one in the arena (aside from Itachi, who was somehow fluent in all languages) understood what was being sung, but everyone sat in an awed silence, as a rock opera was about the craziest opening for a wedding ever. A few minutes later, the performance came to an end, and the audience continued to sit in a stunned silence before giving a standing ovation.

After the applause died down, a spotlight on the main stage centered on the priest of the event, Don Kanonji. The audience was ecstatic as they roared their cheers. Don made a "cool" pose before signaling for the crowd to be silent.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I, Don Kanonji, is here today to present to you, the wedding of Halibel and Nnoitra!" he paused to let a few cheers in before continuing. "Without further ado, let's get this ceremony started!"

Another stage lit up above the main stage, which revealed Grimmjow looking rather disgruntled in punk-looking clothes, along with a hired back-up band. Everyone looked up to him, wondering why he was there, but Grimmjow just stood in silence. That was, until someone spoke into his earpiece.

"Do it."

"No, I get enough shit about how I look exactly like the blue haired version of Billy Idol as it is!" Grimmjow grumbled.

"Deal with it, or I'll make sure that the rest of your life is a living hell."

"Fine, Halibel…"

Although he still looked pissed off about it, Grimmjow picked up his guitar and began to play the opening riff to Billy Idol's "White Wedding". Everyone thought it was a very odd song choice at a wedding, but as the main stage was covered in fog, the audience shifted their attention as Szayel Aporro and Orihime rose up from the ground onto the stage. Strobe lighting enhanced the stage as Nnoitra ran onto the stage (wearing a white suit with black lining), riling the crowd up, before taking his place by Don Kanonji.

Finally, Halibel appeared at the other end of the arena, to a loud burst of cheers. Aizen, who was standing next to her, escorted her down the aisle, although he looked rather unhappy about the whole ordeal. The men (and some of the women) ogled over Halibel's appearance, as her very revealing gown was the first ever wedding dress made by Victoria's Secret. What the audience didn't know that because Halibel advertised the gown at her wedding, Victoria's Secret paid a good sum of the cost of the wedding.

After Halibel took her place on the main stage, Grimmjow's performance came to an end, and he immediately left the stage, as his part in the wedding was done. Don waited for the crowd to quiet down again before he began to speak. "Unfortunately, I was told to cut my usual routine for this wedding, so Halibel and Nnoitra shall now exchange vows."

Nnoitra cleared this throat before beginning. "I, Nnoitra, vow to be your bitch until the end of time, because it's not like I have a choice in the matter."

A few laughs went through the crowd as the simple vow was pathetic, but true. Halibel nodded and looked at the list of vows she made. "I, Halibel, shall take thee to be my man wife. Thus, if you complain about being the bitch, anything I might want to include in our intimate encounters, or even try to dominate me, I'm going to cut your testicles off."

Nnoitra looked horrified, but the crowd once again erupted into laughter. Don gave the two a weird look but shrugged his shoulders and continued.

"Alright, if anyone is against the marriage of these two fine individuals, speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Instantly, the doors in the back of the area were kicked open and the actual Halle Berry appeared with a furious expression on her face. Everyone looked on in confusion, as no one realized who it actually was.

"That bitch stole my name!" Halle shouted as she pointed an accusatory finger towards Halibel.

Halibel just merely raised an eyebrow.

"Don't raise your eyebrow at me, bitch!" Halle growled. "Because of you, I can't get any work. I won an Oscar, dammit! I should be more relevant than you!"

"Do you not realize that you stopped being relevant after you did the Catwoman movie?" Halibel pointed out. Halle didn't like that comment too much, but the audience ate it up as they cheered for the two to get in a catfight. Halibel, however, just merely sent Cock Slayer to dispatch the woman.

Don Kanonji regarded the situation with an odd look before speaking. "Anyone else object to the wedding?"

Stark then burst through the doors with an urgent look on his face. He saw Halle Berry lying on the ground, but he only gave an apathetic look in reaction,

"Hey! I remembered what I was supposed to tell ya, Szayel!" Stark exclaimed. "I'm not sure whether I should thank or curse her corpse, but Catwoman was so bad in a not entertaining way, that I finally fell asleep!"

"Oh? Then what are you waiting for, you idiot?" Szayel Aporro yelled back. "What was the important thing you had to tell me?"

"Audition for the next season of Project Runway!" Stark replied.

Szayel Aporro's enthusiastic look immediately dropped from his face. "If I remember right, that's a show where fashion designers compete to be the best designer, right?"

"Yeah," Stark affirmed.

"Uh…I'm a scientist."

"So? You're the person that stopped a fight to go change, and it can't be a coincidence that if you try to do an image search with the word 'Szayel', it asks if you meant to put in 'style'!" Stark retorted. "And besides, I promise that it's the key to getting the power in this world that you need!"

"Really? Hmm…" Szayel Aporro said as he considered it in his head.

Suddenly, Cirucci burst through the door behind Stark, with Nikita in her arms.

"You're going to enter or else I'll make you pay up the ass for child support!" Cirucci screeched. "And I'm going to enter the competition as a model!"

"A model? I thought you had a job as a secretary at some scientific organization!" Szayel Aporro said before giving a snide grin. "Or did they fire you once they figured out that the only talent you have is to screw people?"

"Shut up! You had me more than anyone else, so you would know the best!" Cirucci yelled back before calming down with a frustrated groan. "But I got fired because I tried to steal technology from them."

"So the whore is a thief as well, huh?" Szayel Aporro commented. "So who are you going to screw to get into the model portion of the competition?"

"You know what? Go screw yourself!" Cirucci spat out.

"This is worse than an episode of Jerry Springer," Tatsuki commented in the audience, as she did her best to shield Demy-X (whom she was babysitting) from the horror of it all..

"Uh…this is all great and all, but we're trying to have a motherfuckin' wedding here!" Nnoitra finally growled out.

"Oh right, my bad," Stark said apologetically as he took a seat, which he promptly fell asleep in. Cirucci just scowled and left the building in a huff.

:"Okay…is there anyone else?" Don asked.

Dan the Stalker barged through the window, but Itachi appeared from behind him and knocked the man unconscious with a single movement. He then looked up to the main stage at where Halibel was standing.

"Halibel…there is no woman greater than you," Itachi started, instantly making Nnoitra angry. "And I think you could have married a far better man than that idiot."

"Hey fuckface!" Nnoitra shouted out, but was promptly ignored.

"If the circumstances were different, I think we could have conquered the world and all of its pathetic citizens. However, I know I screwed up that chance, and for that, I'm sorry." Itachi said with a bow of his head. "I know that I should have dealt with your stalker problem directly, but if I get a drop of alcohol in my system, I turn into a lunatic. However, I'm here to say that if any other stalkers should cross your path, they'll get a one-way ticket to my television show. And my guests are well known to die in random acts of violence.

I know my newfound love for you shall go unrequited, but my alliance shall always be with you."

"Shall I go kick his ass?" Nnoitra asked, as the whole speech had him agitated.

Halibel looked over at Itachi, who was now kneeling on the ground before responding. "No."

"Why not?!"

"Because for one, you'll be obliterated. Also, I think our feud with him should end once and for all." Halibel answered. She then bowed her head back towards Itachi. "Thank you, and I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding a woman to satisfy your needs."

"As if another single woman could satisfy my needs…" Itachi scoffed. He snapped his fingers, and a crowd of woman surrounded him, lavishing the man with attention. "I'll see you all later."

He then left with his pack of women, leaving the rest of the people in the building in yet another awed silence.

"Anyone else?" Don asked in an exasperated tone.

Neliel then appeared through the doors.

"Oh hell no," Nnoitra muttered. "She deflowered both of us, and now she's going to rape both of us!"

"…don't look so excited about that, Nnoitra," Halibel commented.

"No, I already had my fun with both of you," Neliel replied. "Since I deflowered you guys, it's kind of like seeing my children get married. So I just wanted to come and say congratulations!"

"That…that's kind of creepy," Orihime said under her breath.

"But anyways, I need to go bust Ichigo out of jail," Neliel said as she turned to Orihime. "Oh, and sorry about making your friend look like a pedophile. I thought it would be funny to mess with all of your heads."

Neliel then left the room with a slight wave, leaving Orihime with a quizzical look upon her face.

"Should I even ask?" Don mused to himself.

He gave a sigh as the doors to the arena exploded in a puff of smoke. As the fog cleared, Nnoitra flinched in terror as Kenpachi appeared. He hid behind Halibel and scowled at his rival.

"YOU STAY AWAY!" Nnoitra hissed.

"Oh, Nnoitra, you claim to be so tough, but you're hiding behind a woman," Szayel Aporro said with an exaggerated sigh.

"You shut up!" Nnoitra grumbled.

"Sorry, but I got bored," Kenpachi said with a grin. "Wanna see my bankai?"

"Your WHAT?!"

Kenpachi gripped his zanpakutou, but paused when Unohana grabbed his shoulder from behind.

"Now, now, Zaraki-san, we both know that the world will implode if you do that," Unohana said calmly. "And if you do that, then I'll have to deal with you, won't I?"

Kenpachi looked over at Unohana, and was instantly terrified by her smiling expression. He immediately turned around to leave the building.

"C'mon, Yachiru, let's go beat up a random hobo instead," he muttered.

"Yay! That sounds like fun!"

Yachiru hopped on Kenpachi's back as he left the building. Unohana quickly apologized for the interruption before leaving as well. Don Kanonji, in the meantime, had a sour expression on his face, because he wasn't getting that much attention.

"Are we done yet?"

"I'm afraid not," a voice spoke out. Shortly afterwards, Mayuri came through the hole in the door with Nemu at his side. "I've been looking for you everywhere, but now I've found you, Szayel Aporro Granz!"

Mayuri pointed towards the pink-haired man, but as he followed the path of his finger, he found that he had already hidden himself. Nnoitra glanced behind Orihime and rolled his eye.

"Who's hiding behind women now?" he said dryly.

"Stop being a coward and reveal yourself!" Mayuri shouted. "Because my daughter and I have dealt with this long enough! It's time for you to start taking a role in your son's life!"

"Say what?!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed as he peeked from behind Orihime's shoulder.

"Remember that time when you impregnated my daughter with your clone?" Mayuri asked.

"…ohhhhhhhh," Szayel Aporro said after some thought.

"Yeah, she raised your son while you were recuperating at Hueco Mundo. Reluctantly, I also became a grandfather-like figure to the kid," Mayuri explained. "But your son is a total brat! I should have expected it, as he is the clone of a lower form, such as yourself, but I'm not dealing with him anymore!"

All of the sudden, a man that looked exactly like Szayel Aporro appeared through the broken doorway.

"So you're my real father? I hate you!" he complained. "Because of you, I have pink hair, and everyone thinks I'm gay!"

"Right, I'll make sure that you never have to watch over my clone ever again," Szayel said with a sigh.

"Good," Mayuri replied.

In a swift movement, Szayel Aporro pulled a device out of his pocket and pressed the button. Immediately, his clone blew up, splattering blood all over Mayuri, Nemu, a sleeping Stark, and a few other audience members in the general area. Oddly, nobody seemed too bothered by it.

"Need anything else?" Szayel Aporro asked.

"Uh…no. We'll leave now," Mayuri responded. As promised, he and his daughter then left the arena.

"Jesus fuckin' Christ, Szayel!" Nnoitra yelled. "Is this my wedding or is it the Szayel Aporro special on the Maury Show today?!"

"It's not my fault that I attract so much drama!" Szayel Aporro exclaimed with his #672 exasperated expression. "Anyways, feel free to continue on with the wedding."

Don Kanonji didn't ever bother to ask if anyone else had any objections to the wedding, because he predicted that the chaos was not over yet. He was right as Hiruma (along with the rest of his Deimon Devilbats team) invaded the wedding briefly, followed by Chuck Norris (who apparently showed up to roundhouse kick Nnoitra in the face for no reason before leaving), Zommari showed up to do a musical number to Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" (whether or not he intentionally rickrolled the wedding was unknown), and even David Bowie made a random appearance during the wedding.

Just when everyone thought that the appearances would stop though, the TARDIS appeared in the middle of the stage. The Doctor then stepped out and looked around cautiously. He realized what was going on as his expression brightened. "Oh, a wedding!"

Rose stepped out as well and took a look for herself before turning to whisper to the doctor, "I don't think we should be here."

"There's probably aliens, so let's stick around!" he assured her. "Besides, weddings usually have buffets, so let's help ourselves!"

Halibel and Nnoitra didn't look too pleased about it, but they didn't say anything as the two left the stage. Fed up with all the interruptions, Halibel took the microphone.

"I swear that if anyone else comes through to interrupt this wedding, I'll send Cock Slayer to claim their kidneys!" she yelled. "Now does anyone else want to try their luck?!"

After a few minutes, when no one else bothered to show up, Halibel signaled Don to continue the wedding.

"Well, with all the power invested in me, I now pronounce you two woman and man-wife! May love always be with you!"

Instead of the usual kissing tradition, Halibel simply dragged Nnoitra to another room to do things to him that the rest of the audience didn't really want to think about. In a row of the seats, Aizen sat with Tousen and Gin at his sides and gave a groan.

"Gin?" he spoke.

"What'cha want, Aizen?"

"When we get back, make sure you bring me my happy pills and a bottle of tequila," Aizen demanded. "A self-induced state of unconsciousness is sounding very appealing right now."

--

Later at the wedding reception, Grimmjow was again roped into playing a musical set, much to his chagrin. Even if David Bowie randomly showed up again to sing "Let's Dance" with the blue-haired man, he cursed Halibel the entire time in his head.

In the meantime, Ulquiorra had long given up on protesting the wedding, and entered the room for the reception. He scanned the area for a while before he spotting and advancing toward the person he was looking for. Thinking about what Itachi said to him earlier, Ulquiorra used the rest of the day to sort out his thoughts, trying to figure out how he actually felt about Byakuya. However, he had come to a decision and knew that he had to make his feelings known tonight.

Eventually, the two stoic men faced each other. Byakuya had the slightest hint of confusion on his face, while Ulquiorra had the same dull look on his.

"Why are you here?" Byakuya asked.

"I might ask you the same," Ulquiorra responded.

"We swore to never even look at each other again, did we not?"

"Yes, but I find it odd that even you would lower yourself to appearing at this horrendous event,"

"Speak for yourself," Byakuya said.

"Touché," Ulquiorra finally said in defeat. "But I came here to tell you that I think that we should not have to fear Halibel and Nnoitra anymore. Or anyone else, for that matter. In fact, I think that we should continue to be allies."

Byakuya gave Ulquiorra an odd look, trying to decipher his cryptic statement. He then closed his eyes and gave a curt nod.

"Very well," he responded. At that point, Yoruichi made her way between the two men before putting her arm around Byakuya in a casual matter. "Then as your ally, I suppose I can tell you that Miss Yoruichi and I have been engaged to be married. The ceremony is next month."

"That's right!" Yoruichi added. "Then afterwards, Byakuya-bo and I are gonna move to Rwanda to go do that whole humanitarian thing that's popular right now!"

Shell-shocked, Ulquiorra could only look on in silence before Byakuya spoke up again. "I suppose as allies, I should invite you to the wedding."

"That won't be necessary," Ulquiorra responded as he quickly tried to find a way to get out of the situation. "In fact, I'm planning on moving to the other side of the world…in South America."

"South America?" Byakuya asked.

"Yes, I found…a good business opportunity," Ulquiorra lied. Byakuya didn't look too convinced, but before he could ask any more questions, Ulquiorra was, for once, relieved to see Halibel approach him. That was, until he saw another woman beside her.

"It was him?!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, Rangiku," Halibel answered. "According to him, he was the one that participated along with you in your drunken tryst the night before."

"Oh, thank god!" she said as she gave a relieved laugh. "I thought I might have slept with a real loser! But you're really cute!"

Instantly, Rangiku took Ulquiorra in a tight hug and promptly stuffed his face into her ample-sized bosoms. It was annoying at first, but then it got downright torturous as he attempted to pull away from her. She would only squeeze him tighter, to the point where he was nearly strangled to death.

At a table nearby, Gin, along with a drugged-up Aizen, watched the events transpire.

"Weren't you the one that was mysteriously missing last night?" Aizen asked with a bit of a slur. "You said you had to visit an old friend."

"And visit I did," Gin said with his ever-present grin. "But this is too amusing to break up, don'tcha think?"

Aizen only rolled his eyes as he took another swig from his tequila bottle. Unfortunately, he was somewhat of a lightweight and passed out at the table.

All of the sudden, the door to the room burst open with a loud bang, and everyone turned to see what the cause of the commotion was. Upon setting their eyes upon the grotesque appearance of the late visitor, most people sneered in disgust. However, there were a few people that reacted in an entirely surprised matter.

"Holy shit, it's Aaroniero!" Nnoitra exclaimed. "How the fuck are you still alive?!"

Before he could explain anything, Urahara appeared from behind with a jolly expression on his face and waved.

"How do you guys like my wedding present?" he asked. "I found this guy lying on the ground shortly after all of you rented that house from me, and I got bored. I couldn't restore his human form, but I think that as long as you put a really long paper bag over his head, he should be fine!"

"**You guys let me get killed by a** _fucking cat_!" Aaroniero growled in his dual voices.

"You let yourself get killed by a fucking cat!" Grimmjow yelled as he finished his last song for the night.

"Didn't you also nearly get killed by the cat?" Szayel Aporro countered.

"Shut up!"

All of the Espada (aside from Stark, who was inconveniently passed out on the dance floor) continued to argue with one another until Halibel stepped forward with her cat on her shoulder. Aaroniero looked over at her and shriveled in fear as he glanced over at the feline.

"_What?_ **You guys still have the** _fucking cat?!_"

"It's not a 'fucking cat', this…is Cock Slayer," Halibel said calmly before shifting her eyes over to her cat. "You know what to do."

At first, Cock Slayer was about to do its usual thing and go for the man's most sensitive area, but upon seeing the two little heads floating in the tank of water, its interest was immediately piqued. In a nanosecond, the cat sprung from Halibel's shoulder and landed on the top of Aaroniero's tank head. In another swift movement, it jabbed its paw through the glass and fished one of the heads out. As Cock Slayer began to bat the head with its paws, Aaroniero screamed in agony before collapsing backwards onto the ground. The rest of the glass shattered upon impact, leaving the other head totally exposed. By then, Cock Slayer already had one of the heads in its mouth, so it just simply used the other head to play around with.

Urahara watched the entire scene unfold before his eyes with a bewildered expression, but as he looked down, his face brightened again.

"Oh well!" he said with an exaggerated shrug. He then bent down and stole Aaroniero's coat. "I always wanted this coat with the pimp ruffles anyways! See ya guys later!"

Everyone stood in place as Urahara left the place with a gleeful laugh, but went back to what they were doing after he was gone. But then, Grimmjow took the microphone, cleared his throat, and spoke as he got everyone's attention.

"Just thought I should let all of you fuckers know that the wife, baby, and I are moving to Australia," Grimmjow announced. "So the rest of you in the house are gonna have to pay more for the rent."

Stark finally woke up and as he listened to Grimmjow, his face twisted in distress. "Oh no! That means that I'm going to have to rename it to the…um…SHUNS house!"

Szayel Aporro then stepped on the stage and declared that he would temporary move to America to participate in Project Runway.

"Um…I guess that makes it the SHUN house?" Stark said after some thought.

Halibel then dragged Nnoitra onto the staged and proclaimed that since she was starting to get less modeling contracts in Japan, she would be moving to France with her husband to pursue a modeling career there.

"Well…shit…I guess that makes it the US house?"

Finally, Ulquiorra went on the stage and told everyone that he would be moving to Colombia, but failed to give any explanation as to why he was moving there. Enraged. Stark went on the stage with the rest of his housemates.

"Wait…does that means that I'm going to be at the house alone to pay for all of the rent?!" Stark yelled at them. "What the fuck? We're the SHOGUNS house, not the S house!"

Stark waited for someone to give in and admit that they would stay in Karakura Town, but no such thing happened. For nearly two minutes, everyone on the stage remained silent. But then, Halibel looked at her watch and widened her eyes slightly.

"Alright, as a sort of parting gift, I suppose I should tell you all that I lined up Dethklok to play here next. And I should warn you that people have a tendency to die at their concerts," Halibel said as she dragged Nnoitra out of the building.

Hearing a helicopter fly above them, the rest of the SHOGUNS gang fled from the premises immediately before the band landed on the building.

--

The next day, at the airport, the SHOGUNS were gathered in the waiting area. Although Stark was staying in town, he came along to see everyone off. An announcement was made for a flight taking off to Los Angeles and everyone turned to Szayel Aporro.

"Nope, I'm going to New York," he replied.

But then, the group was surprised to see Itachi walking toward the airport gate, with a legion of women carrying his luggage behind him. Ulquiorra glanced at him oddly, but it was Halibel that stepped forward and spoke.

"You're going to America?" she asked.

"Normally I would not lower myself to visiting that place, but since my show has gotten so popular here, of course, FOX wants to make a remake of it in America," Itachi explained. "Of course, like any American remake of anything, it's probably going to be a watered down version of my show."

"You're going to allow your show to be manipulated by Americans?" Halibel asked.

"Of course not," Itachi replied. "I'll play to their rules for a little while, but then slowly conquer the country for myself."

"I see," Halibel nodded. "In that case, I wish you good luck."

"And I wish you luck in conquering France as well," Itachi responded as he left to get on his plane.

A few minutes later, the flight to Colombia was announced and Ulquiorra stood up, carrying only one briefcase behind him. Nearly everyone looked happy to see him leaving, but Orihime stood up to hug him (although after the run-in with Rangiku the night before, Ulquiorra did his best to avert from the embrace). Stark stood up and put a hand on one of his shoulders.

"You'll become very powerful, but make sure it doesn't come to bite you in the ass, okay?" Stark warned him.

Ulquiorra blinked, but had no other reaction to his statement. Silently, he dragged his suitcase behind him and boarded the plane. Next, the flight for Paris, France was called, and Halibel rose, carrying a small bag, which Cock Slayer was stuffed in. Behind her, Nnoitra carried dozens of bags with a sour expression. Stark thought a little big, before facing them.

"You should get Tesla to move in with you guys," Stark suggested.

"Huh? Why would I invite that back-stabber to stay with us?!" Nnoitra exclaimed.

"Because he'll make the perfect nanny for your child in a couple of years," Stark replied.

"…please tell me that I didn't hear what I thought I just heard," Halibel muttered.

"We're going to have a CHILD?!" Nnoitra exclaimed happily. "C'mon, Halibel! Let's go and raise our kid to be as smooth as I am!"

Nnoitra raced ahead of Halibel joyfully, leaving her looking very frustrated. Under her breath, Halibel let out a curse and threw a cellphone at Nnoitra's head to slow him down. Orihime then looked over at Grimmjow with a grimace.

"Let's hope their kid doesn't turn out to be as 'smooth' as Nnoitra," she said with a sigh.

Grimmjow rolled his eyes before looking at his own son. He got lost in thought before a woman over the PA system announced that the flight for Sydney, Australia was boarding. Orihime picked up Demy-X and headed toward the gate. Grimmjow got up to follow her, but Stark stopped him to give his advice.

"Get a big house. You'll need it, trust me," Stark said.

Grimmjow glanced at him oddly but he just simply shrugged and gave a short jog to catch up to his wife. While waiting for Szayel Aporro's plane to arrive, Stark picked up Nikita and played around with her. Cirucci tried to put the moves on her "baby daddy", but he didn't seem to pay her any attention. Shortly afterwards, the flight for New York City, New York was announced and she snatched Nikita out of Stark's arms.

Unhappy with being separated from her second favorite person, next to Nnoitra, she gave a wail before biting her mom in the arm. Cirucci cursed, but before she could drop her child, Stark picked her up one last time and held her above his head.

"I'm gonna miss you. I mean, all those times you caused trouble for your daddy? Those were classic!" Stark said with a little laugh. Szayel Aporro scowled behind him, but Stark ignored him and handed a bag to Cirucci. "I gave your mom a whole bag full of zombie movies, so you should never get bored, alright? But don't feel sad! Uncle Stark will come visit you sometime, okay?"

Nikita still looked a little sad, but when Stark handed her over to Cirucci again, she didn't react as violently as she did before. Stark then went over to Szayel Aporro, the guy that was probably his best friend in the house, and patted him on the shoulder.

"I don't even need to give you any advice, man," Stark said with a smile. "Just make it work, okay?"

Szayel Aporro gave a cocky smirk and shrugged as he walked away. Stark just stood as he watched the last of his housemates walk away to board the plane. Although his former comrades in the Espada really just annoyed him in Hueco Mundo, he actually felt a little sad to be separated from them all. However, his loneliness was short-lived as Urahara seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"So I hear you're all alone now, right?" Urahara asked.

"Yeah man," Stark replied.

"Feel like starting a fortune-telling business to scam people out of millions of dollars?!" Urahara asked.

"Hell yeah!" Stark responded. "Let's go get some drinks to celebrate our awesome idea!"

"Now you're talking!" Urahara said as he walked toward the door of the building. With a grin, Stark followed his best friend out the door, thus ending the legacy of the SHOGUNS.

But was it truly over? Only time would tell.

--

Author's Notes

--

ZOMG, it's FINALLY DONE!

Sorry about taking so long, but basically, real life was taking my time. And as you see, this was a REALLY long chapter. I'm not sure how long it will be until I get to the next chapter, but I think I'll take a little hiatus from this story, just so I can get other stuff out.

I'm sure that I'll confuse people with all the references I put in this chapter, but oh well!

Really, I guess I don't have much to say this time. But I must say, Aaroniero's coat IS the pimpest thing I've ever seen in the Bleach manga. The friggin' RUFFLES are AWESOME. Too bad that was the only awesome thing about Aaroniero (even if it was pretty lulzy in the anime when it looked like he was forcing Rukia to give him a BJ).

--

Question Time, with Renegade Raine

--

Larethiana writes:

Hum... please can you teach me the recipe of your crack?...or maybe it's a mushroom infusion... well whatever... What just go through your head ?

Dear Larethiana,

My recipe is one dose of autism, an additional helping from my also cracked-out sister, having way too much time on my hands, aaaaand ceiling badgers. We have a don't ask, don't tell thing going on, so that's as much information as I can tell you, I'm afraid.

And then, you take those ingredients

Mix them together

??

PROFIT!!


End file.
